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Parenting

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Original poster

Is this mean or am I ridiculously soft?

80 replies

skidaddle · 18/04/2007 09:11

Now I know it's not nice to judge the parenting of others especially when their dd is only a month old BUT...
a couple we know leave their newborn dd to cry while they are having dinner because they decided before she was born that she wasn't going to disrupt their life (?!). We have had dinner with them twice recently, once at theirs and once at ours and each time we have had dinner through her screaming her little heart out (also waking up our dd to boot!). Each time dinner went on for maybe 20-30 mins.
I just don't undertand this - we would have happily waited until she had fed her, or else could one of them not have picked her up while we ate? They also leave her to cry at night for 15-20 mins before getting up? I just don't understand this - am I really soft (I have been accused of this before ) or does this sound mean to you? Is there anything to be gained? I certainly don't think she will 'learn' anything from it, do you?

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October · 18/04/2007 09:14

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DaisyMOO · 18/04/2007 09:14

No, you are not soft, this is horrible. I certainly wouldn't be able to eat my dinner with a baby screaming for want of a cuddle. Leaving her to cry for 15-20 minutes before picking her up is just stooopid. What's it going to acheive except keep them all awake for longer and make her harder to settle when they do go in?!

littlelapin · 18/04/2007 09:14

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Lovecat · 18/04/2007 09:18

At a month old?

I don't know how the mother can bear to hang on for 20-30 mins at that age! Dd's crying went through me like knives until she was at least 6 months old...

Whilst I did allow her to have a wee bit of a cry when settling herself to sleep, it was never for more than 5 minutes at a time (sat outside the bedroom with a stopwatch!) and sometimes not even that long!

Certainly not at that tender age - I don't think I started doing that until she was a good 4 months old and I made sure she knew I would always be there, but that it was bedtime and she should sleep... possibly I was very fortunate in having a child who would only cry for about 5-10 mins and need 2-3 visits before settling to sleep, but that still seems very harsh to me.

At a month old, a child isn't crying because they want to 'test' their parents, it's because it's the only way they can communicate! As for her 'learning' anything, it just makes me think of that NSPCC advert with the baby standing up in teh cot - 'Johnny doesn't cry because he's learnt that no-one will come for him if he does' - horrible.

Pruni · 18/04/2007 09:19

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littlelapin · 18/04/2007 09:19

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Lovecat · 18/04/2007 09:20

I know, LL, it makes me well up just thinking about it... I never used to be this tearful before I had a child!

littlelapin · 18/04/2007 09:21

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iris66 · 18/04/2007 09:27

Original poster

skidaddle · 18/04/2007 09:28

I did want to go and pick her up but I thought that would be so bad - make them feel like I was criticsing their parenting. The first time, under the pretence of showing dd the new baby, I did get up from the table and go over, before I knew it she had my finger and was sucking on it like her life depended on it!! So after that I was determined not to interfere. i mean new parents have enough to contend with without being criticised by other parents (especially their friends) so it is difficult. But to hear her cry like that while her parents much through their pesto... poor little angel

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Original poster

skidaddle · 18/04/2007 09:30

lovecat, I know I well up at anything these days - even burst into tears reading dd 'And Ruby flew too' where the baby duck flies off into the world alone At least I can blame it on the pg hormones for now, don't know what my excuse will be after that..

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NineUnlikelyTales · 18/04/2007 09:31

Oh this is so sad How could anyone do it? I still can't listen to DS cry (7m) and if that makes me a wimp then I'm happy with that. Have they been reading books, do you think?

pansypants · 18/04/2007 09:33

couldnt possibly leave my lo,,, also cry at anything,, dh laughs at me now, as i was hard faced cow pre baby

nailpolish · 18/04/2007 09:35

o h god i couldnt enjoy a meal with a baby screaming in the background

i think i would start crying too

how mean ARE they? this makes me angry

nailpolish · 18/04/2007 09:37

at that age dh and i only ate meals that could be eaten with one hand IE fish pie, pasta, cottage pie, sandwich, because it was therefore easier to hold/feed baby AND have yer tea at the same time

dishing up the food is baby's cue to start crying for christs sake

nailpolish · 18/04/2007 09:40

oh skiddadle - we read 'And Ruby Flew Too' last night

munz · 18/04/2007 09:42

that's awful. realy is. althou I admit to being a bad mummy when J was that age - once and only once DH/MIL thought you didn't 'demand feed' a baby at that age and give in everytime he screamed wiht a boob in his mouth, anyhow I walked away nother room while DH tried his upmost to calm him down 5 mins later I walked in to 'I think he wants feeding' - my responce I told you he did - I don't think you should leave a baby screaming like thhat esp not for 20 mins while you have tea.

Original poster

skidaddle · 18/04/2007 09:59

What a great idea nail polish - one handed meals - we just took it in turns last time but will def try one-handed this time.

I have also been crying at 'There is a house in my mummy' - do you know that one? And this is just flicking through it myself

Nineunlikely, no I don't think they have been reading books - I think they just think this is how they want to parent

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Lllllllllllledodgy · 18/04/2007 10:01

We read 'And Ruby Flew Too' last night as well!

Hulababy · 18/04/2007 10:06

Oh how horid. It would have really bothered me to sit and eat with the baby crying in the background. I'd have felt so uncomfortable and certainly not enjoyed my meal!

Isn't learning to eat meals one handed, and accepting that someone else needs to prechop your food up for you, part and parcel of having a newborn?

MintChocChippyMinton · 18/04/2007 10:07

I certainly couldn't do it. We had meals that could be left in the oven/fridge and whipped out as soon as the babies were calm or asleep, took it in turns, or ate one-handed. If friends with babies come round now, i always offer to hold the baby while mum eats.

JodieG1 · 18/04/2007 10:07

Poor thing Never let any of ours cry. Ds2 always wants feeding when we have dinner, maybe he smells the food and gets hungry hehe. I just feed him and eat one handed, much easier than letting him get all worked up and stressed.

linjasmom · 18/04/2007 10:08

Maybe you could suggest in a very kind way that leaving kids screaming is not supposed for babies as little as theirs? We let our dd scream when we knew she was just fussing, but never for want of food, new nappie or cuddle and in fact she was well older than 6 months by then. I know it's especially hard to criticize friends.

flutterbee · 18/04/2007 10:09

1 month is too young to leave to cry in any circs.

At about 4 months DH and I would leave DS crying for 10-15 mins at night because by then we knew when he was crying just for the sake of crying and when he needed feeding, attention etc

Putting my food (and Oh God I love my food) over my child is something I have never ever done.

However it is each to their own and although it may seem a little mean to most of us it certainly isn't abuse.

harpsichordcarrier · 18/04/2007 10:13

"not disrupt their lives"
dear god, what horrible people. sorry to be so blunt.

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