Failing as a parent

[starshaker]

My DD2 (7) its behaving so badly. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start.
A few weeks ago she was grounded. I got up in the morning and she was gone. She was at the park down the road. She told me there was no point grounding her because she would just go out anyway.

I tried removing things and she doesn't care
She misbehaves at school
There was 1 day she was playing in her bedroom, only she wasn't. I got a text telling me she was knocking on peoples doors trying to sell sweets. I went out to find her and I couldn't. After an hour of looking and calling friends and putting a post on Facebook i gave up and called the police. She turned up as i was on the phone. She had gone over the road and was playing beside the burn.
I caught her stealing from asda and made her take the toys in (it was a balloon and a set of bubbles). The staff didn't care and she thought it was funny so I took her round to the police station. She still thought it was funny.
Tonight she has cut my sofa with a knife. Theres a 4 inch gash in it.

I don't know what to do. Im a complete failure. I have tried everything I can think off.

Is there anybody who can offer me some advice?

Sorry you are going through this. I think in your position I would speak to the school and / or GP. Ask if she can be assessed by the educational psychologist as you are concerned about her behaviour. Sounds like they have concerns too. Please don’t feel you’re failing as a parent; you are obviously doing your best. Her behaviour sounds unusual and you need some support and practical help here.

Make a dr's appointment and see if there may be any medical cause for her behaviour. Also speak to the school and ask how she behaves at school and find out if there are any issues at school? Has her behaviour changed suddenly? Think back - have any major changes occurred in her or your life recently which is affecting her ?

Ive been to the doctors 3 times now. We are waiting on a referral but it could be months. The school agree her behaviour is awful at the moment. She hides under the table and refuses to come out or if she's sent out the room she won't go either. She's so bloody clever its infuriating too.

I’m sorry but supervision is your answer.

You can’t trust her to be doing as she is asked so you need to get out of bed in the morning. During the day surely it isn’t too difficult to keep your door locked and your ears open to ensure you know where she is?

I just wanted to come and say you’re not a failure. I have an 8 and 7 year old (my 7 year old has Sen). I’d start by making sure she cannot get out the house so everything is locked and you’ve got the keys well hidden.

I’d also start noting down her behaviour for when your referral comes through. Has anything in yours/her life changed? Is there anyone she looks up to who could talk to her? Do you have a list of house rules? Can you lock the kitchen so she doesn’t have access to knives and such.

Kids are challenging and it does sound like she maybe has some additional problems. Can the school support you to push the referral through quicker?

I can't supervise her constantly. I get up at 7am because thats when the dogs want out. She was already out then.

I get up at 7am because thats when the dogs want out. She was already out then.

So you can get up for your dogs but not for your DD

‘I can’t supervise her’ is a cop out. She needs you to parent her.

I already know I'm a crap mum. How do I supervise her constantly? I have 2 other children and I need to make dinner etc. They all deserve better than me

You are no way a shit mum please don’t feel like that! I think waiting for the medical referral is the best thing - in the mean time maybe keeping door keys out of reach and knives inaccessible would be sensible.

I am shit. Ive spoken to the school today and have agreed to her contacting social work. Im a failure. They are gonna come and see how shit I am and they are gonna take my kids and give them to somebody better. That will be the end for me

This is awful to read, your last post is heartbreaking.

You’re doing your damn best and that’s all you can do, you’re a Mum not a failure.

You have been to the GP what more can you do, by asking for help you’re not a bad parent it shows you care.

If my 7 year old left the house I’d be

Keep strong

my best isn't good enough

Social worker will hopefully be able to get you help. Its easy for Migraleve to say what h her more but she can always get IP earlier because she can sleep whenever she wants and you have twhbe up for the kids. You can't be up 24/7 for the ne t decade regardless of what Migraleve thinks.

Can you put a top lock on the doors to stop get getting out? Alarm so at least you'll know she's gone?

Can you put an extra lock on the door where she can’t reach and move the keys out of sight?

The only other option is to constantly supervise but I understand that that’s not not possible to supervise 24/7.

You are NOT a bad parent. You are NOT a failing parent. A failing parent walks away from the situation, you are engaging and trying to work out solutions.

I do understand about the difficulty of supervising early mornings as my DS is an early riser (6.20 am without fail). I think that you need to introduce more 'pull' factors. What can your DD get by playing quietly in her room ? Ipad/tablet time? treats or rewards? She needs to work with you and you with her but the first thing is to recognise that she is her own person and you are not a 'shit' parent because you do not control her every move. I know the 'you do this, I give you that' approach feels mercenary but its about her learning about the social contract, that her behaviour has consequences. You say the you have tried removing things and she doesn't care, and I get that, but perhaps the not adding things would feel more immediate. In any case, bad parent you are not so don't hit yourself with that stick!

The disappearing has stopped now. I think she got a fright when I was so upset and worried. She's not done it since. I personally think she is feeling abandoned. The twins dad came into their life last year, met them twice then buggered off. Then my relationship ended in June at she really loved him. Ive been struggling with that too.

I know she's only 7 but maybe you could try to have a chat with her, not about her behaviour but maybe enlisting her as your helper, if she's the eldest? give her some responsibilities she can handle, maybe if she feels better about herself, her behaviour might change, She must be feeling guilty and bad about herself even if she doesn't show it.
Also, it's not your fault. She might have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which could explain a lot of her behaviour. Not easy to deal with for a parent. I'm sorry you're in this situation but don't blame yourself. Life throws so many challenges our way, your best IS good enough.