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Original poster

2 year old saw us pull a body from the sea

53 replies

ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 09:01

My two year old DD was with us at the beach recently when we saw someone floating face down in the water. DH and I pulled the poor man from the sea and waited for the police - and DD was with us the whole time.

I don't know how to talk to her to make sure this doesn't become a big deal for her. She's talked about the poorly man and the police officers helping him a few times since. We've acknowledged what she saw, and said we hope the poorly man is feeling better now, as well as showing her a video I took earlier of the day of her happily splashing in the water.

Does anyone have any advice about anything else I should do? I'm wary of making it an even bigger deal when there's a chance she'll forget all about it.

OP posts:

blueskyinmarch · 01/10/2017 09:03

If i was you i would let it go and only speak about it if she mentions it. Be matter of fact but don't elaborate too much. She is only 2 and is likely to forget about it soon.

StinkPickle · 01/10/2017 09:05

I'd just let it go. Stop talking about it and making it a big deal. She is 2. She won't remember next week.

JeanSeberg · 01/10/2017 09:05

Was the man dead or able to be resuscitated?

KadabrasSpoon · 01/10/2017 09:07

When I was about 3 I was alone with a family member when she died in a public place.
I'm not sure what official advice is but from experience I would mention to her. I ended up quite worried about it happening to others and stopped eating. No one really mentioned it to me but I think I didn't have the language to ask.
There are a few child bereavement charities that might have good advice on how to talk about it.

Butterymuffin · 01/10/2017 09:07

I don't have any experience with this kind of thing. But I would probably leave it alone if she doesn't mention it, but if she does, talk about the importance of helping people and that the police do this as their job but other people do it too as you and her dad did.
I would guess it's likely to come up when you go back to that beach (or any other beach) so you can think about what to say for those occasions.
Did the man survive? The use of 'body' in the title made me think not, but then from your post maybe he did.

StylishDuck · 01/10/2017 09:10

Are you and your DH ok OP? I found my neighbour after he'd killed himself last year and it stayed with me for ages afterwards.

I would think your 2yo, thankfully, will be too young to be affected long term by it. I agree about only talking about it if she mentions it and making sure you're matter of fact about it when she does.

Annabelle4 · 01/10/2017 09:10

You need professional advice here OP.
Don't forget yourself and your dh in it either. Sometimes we're too quick to worry about our DC's feelings, whilst ignoring our own.

Silver47 · 01/10/2017 09:11

Its no big deal to a two year old. It is a big deal to you because you have been culturally conditioned to think it is, but it isn't anything at all to her. In many places in the world it would just be a normal everyday experience, not all cutures big up death like ours and make a huge fuss and massive taboo about it. In other places in the world, I have seen dead bodies being given a tour of their favourite places in life just before they are cremated, and being publically and elusively welcomed in every one.

Brokenbiscuit · 01/10/2017 09:11

It must have been quite traumatic for you and your dh as well, OP? Your dd may pick up on that, so make sure that you are getting support if you need it.

BBQueen · 01/10/2017 09:12

Thanks for your replies, the man didn't survive. He was dead when we found him.

I think I will continue to be matter of fact and hope she stops mentioning it soon. I wonder if taking her back to a beach quite soon might be a good idea, just to try and "replace" any memories she might have (or dilute them?!).

blueskyinmarch · 01/10/2017 09:13

I am advising from the viewpoint of a parent who has lost a child. My now DD1 was age 3 when her sister died and it affected her quite badly but she hated it being talked about. We answered her questions when she asked but tried not to talk about it too much in front of her as she responded badly. She managed to come through it unscathed.

I accept this is a fairly extreme example but i hope it helps OP to work out how to deal with is. OP - i would say that how you feel about this is very different to how your DD feels about it and it is important to keep this in mind.

Expemsiveuniform · 01/10/2017 09:14

You are in danger of making it stick in her head with all the over talking of it and the attempt to over right memories. She's 2. She won't remember it if you let it drift away naturally and don't mention it. And if she talks about it just be matter of fact. But you are viewing it as how traumatised you are as an adult but she's only 2.

BBQueen · 01/10/2017 09:14

Thank you Annabelle and Brokenbiscuit, DH and I are OK, but mindful that it might take a while to process what we saw/did. We're being really careful not to mention anything in earshot.

BBQueen · 01/10/2017 09:18

Thanks for all the advice to only discuss it if she brings it up, and to keep everything I say matter of fact. Should I mention anything to DD's nursery in case she talks about it there? I'm minded not to, in case they make a big deal of it.

WindyWednesday · 01/10/2017 09:24

OP have you name changed halfway through a thread?

I think I know where you mean. There was a case of the same thing in the local news this week.

Athome77 · 01/10/2017 09:26

I'd mention it to nursery, it's more likely to be a big thing if she starts talking about it and staff haven't been warned

Lovemusic33 · 01/10/2017 09:28

Was the man dead?

I remember seeing a child being dragged from a swimming pool when I was about 3 years old but it doesn't haunt me, as far as I know the girl was resuscitated and was fine.

Brokenbiscuit · 01/10/2017 09:30

I think it would be sensible to mention it to the nursery too. It could set off all sorts of alarm bells for them if you don't and dd starts talking about what she saw.

Silver47 · 01/10/2017 09:30

but mindful that it might take a while to process what we saw/did. I think you are building it up into a big thing, when it really isn't. everybody in the world will or has been a dead body at one stage, and been seen by multiple people, sometimes dozens, sometimes hundreds, the average number of dead bodies seen in a life time are multiple. As I said, its only in some modern western countries that this is seen as something traumatic, rather than something natural, and a final opportunity to express love and goodwill to the departed, ( whether you knew them or not) and to acknowledge our common mortality.

Obviously, witnessing a sudden violent death can be upsetting, and of course will be more so if it was a loved one, but a stranger in the sea, long after the struggle is over shouldn't in any way need "processing" - what ever that might mean!

It certainly isn't going to be more than of passing interest to a two year old, who is only going to be traumatised if you pass on your perception of trauma to her.

Why should the nursery make a big thing of it?

Mustang27 · 01/10/2017 09:32

Talk about it when she does. There isn’t much else to be done. So sorry you all had to go through that

Brokenbiscuit · 01/10/2017 09:34

Really? You wouldn't find it at all disturbing to find a body in the sea and pull it out? I'd find it a little odd if someone was not affected by that tbh.

Miserylovescompany2 · 01/10/2017 09:35

Thread is slightly confusing as OP has name changed mid way through?

I wouldn't bring it up again and only address/answer questions if the child themselves brings it up.

I hope you and your DH are OK?

goldenclaire · 01/10/2017 09:37

thats awful. at two though i doubt she will remember it.

Original poster

ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 09:38

Shit, I tried to use an old name and didn't realise I had to change for each post. Apologies for any confusion... not an intentional name change as I'm not a prolific poster in any case.

Silver, your posts are useful as I had a minor worry that DH and I were too ok with what we saw and did, IYKWIM.

My heart goes out to the posters kind enough to share experiences of their losses, it's reassuring to know that some of you have helped DC deal with heartbreaking losses and DC are fine.

I really hope this will be forgotten by DD or just be part of the overall memory of the day. I wanted to know if there was more I should be doing and appreciate all the advice.

OP posts:

KarateKitten · 01/10/2017 09:38

For a 2 yr old I don't think it's a big thing, especially if you are factual about it. I'd make sure to say,

Poor man had an accident.
He died.
The police came and helped.
We stayed with the man till help could come.

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