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Original poster

2 year old saw us pull a body from the sea

53 replies

ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 09:01

My two year old DD was with us at the beach recently when we saw someone floating face down in the water. DH and I pulled the poor man from the sea and waited for the police - and DD was with us the whole time.

I don't know how to talk to her to make sure this doesn't become a big deal for her. She's talked about the poorly man and the police officers helping him a few times since. We've acknowledged what she saw, and said we hope the poorly man is feeling better now, as well as showing her a video I took earlier of the day of her happily splashing in the water.

Does anyone have any advice about anything else I should do? I'm wary of making it an even bigger deal when there's a chance she'll forget all about it.

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 01/10/2017 09:39

I don't know why people are saying things like "you're over talking it" when OP was clear that DD asked about it and she glossed over it!

OP it will be fine. She'll forget in days.

highinthesky · 01/10/2017 09:40

Let her lead the conversation, in her own time. Deal with it then, but by all means ask nursery to report back any odd conversations she has.

ShovingLeopard · 01/10/2017 09:40

I would talk about it when she does, but not go over it otherwise. Also, when she talks about it, extend the discussion of that day onwards, so you talk about what happened afterwards, e.g. 'Then we went to get a lovely ice cream, do you remember? What flavour did you have?' etc. This will hopefully stop her mind going on a loop over and over the incident, and will help her see things were fine for you all afterwards. But like pps have mentioned, at 2 she may well not be traumatised at all.

highinthesky · 01/10/2017 09:41

Actually very young children do retain memories, and they surface in the oddest ways at the strangest moments. The dismissive approach is not helpful, but then neither would re-stoking the memory for DD.

blue25 · 01/10/2017 09:44

Well I'd certainly find it upsetting to find and pull out a dead body from the sea. Your dd will have picked up on the general anxiety/upset around the situation which may have affected her. As others say, let her lead the way in regard to how much it's talked about and just respond to her need.

Hulder · 01/10/2017 09:44

She's 2. She doesn't really know what dead means. She also saw you upset or stressed which is unnerving.

So she has loads and loads of factual questions about what happened which may seem rather gruesome or tactless to adult eyes. Doesn't necessarily mean she's upset.

I'd just answer any questions as they come up and not bring the subject up if she doesn't, so you are projecting how calm you are about it.

When she is few years older and discovers more about death eg gets a concept of forever, don't be surprised if she comes back to the man on the beach and asks more.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/10/2017 09:45

Howntraumatic fornyou! But if she asks, I'd just tell her that the poor man is better now. No need to overburden such a little one.

Not quite the same, I know, but my Gdd at just under 2 was very upset and worried after finding a photo on my iPad - a close up of my (sleeping)!mother in her 90s after a bad fall - I had taken it to show siblings far away. She frankly looked rather corpse-like anyway - advanced dementia - and her face was a mass of purple bruises.
I just told her the poor old lady was much better now, and she seemed happy to accept that. But I kicked myself for forgetting that the photo was there at all for her to find.

Original poster
ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 09:46

The reason my first post isn't clear that the man was dead is because my DD isn't aware of what "dead" is (I hope). My concern is more about any confusion/upset she might have around me and DH shouting in the moment, seeing the "poorly" man (including a futile attempt to resuscitate him) and speaking with the police after. I'm sorry if this has caused confusion!

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 01/10/2017 09:46

How traumatic for all of you.
My kids are 2.5 and 4.2. I would worry about the older in this kind of scenario but I wouldn’t about my 2.5yo.
I’d talk to them about what happened in a matter of fact way and expect them to forget it.
All children are different though, obviously

toopeoply · 01/10/2017 09:46

It will have affected you far more than her. She'll forget soon enough. If she mentions it just answer factually. I hope you are OK though op, in my line of work I see dead and injured people often and it stays with me for months after Flowers

Original poster
ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 09:48

Hulder, your post is spot on. It will be interesting to see if she remembers in years to come, and good to be prepared.

OP posts:
QueenUnicorn · 01/10/2017 09:52

It's important that she processes it. We need to talk things through to help us come to terms with things.
I'm not saying bring it up all the time but if she wants to talk about it I would make sure I answered all her questions and let her process it. When we try to push things to the back of our mind before we process them we can get more issues in the long term.

I think it's a good idea to tell her that the man got better. My 3 year old still doesn't understand death so unless it was a family member/pet who they would noticeably miss then I wouldn't try to explain death at this age.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/10/2017 09:53

I have very clear memories of when I was there but none at two. I'd tell her he got better and leave it at that tbh.

What a shock for you.

Original poster
ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 09:57

I've been saying the police helped him, and we hope he feels better now. I hope that's enough closure.

OP posts:
Greenday90 · 01/10/2017 09:59

She doesn't understand at this stage. She won't remember it. Memories only stick from age 3.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 01/10/2017 10:12

Hi op - your kid is ok. Seeking advice after an unexpected grim incident was sensible. I think you're maybe a bit in shock. Which is normal and ok.
Worrying about the emotional wellbeing of your child is ok. You're a good and sensitive parent x

Original poster
ClipClapClop · 01/10/2017 10:21

Thank you so much Queen, that's really lovely of you to say.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/10/2017 10:35

Obviously, witnessing a sudden violent death can be upsetting, and of course will be more so if it was a loved one, but a stranger in the sea, long after the struggle is over shouldn't in any way need "processing" - what ever that might mean!

You seriously can't see why anyone in this situation might be upset?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/10/2017 10:36

Queen is right OP, it'll probably take a while for things to settle down in your head. It is grim.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 01/10/2017 10:50

Op your welcome x find something to take your mind off it

LeonoraFlorence · 01/10/2017 10:53

How traumatic for you and DH. Hope you're ok. I think the way you've handled it sounds right with DD. It's so hard to know what's best to do so I too would seek advice, as you have done. It isn't making it into a 'thing', it's sensible parenting.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/10/2017 11:01

I think doing something nice with the family is a good suggestion, even if it's just a walk or to the park to kick a ball around.

Jasminedes · 01/10/2017 11:05

I agree with others not to focus on it or mention it unless she does. But I might include some 'beach' story books or 'holiday' imaginitive play - just be led by her, and this will either show you she doesn't have an association or memory, or will help her process any anxious memories (you can help her through play to 'conclude' the story with everyone being ok). I think a wee bit of separation anxiety or other anxious behaviour would be more likely to crop up than a specific memory or trauma reaction, as she is too young to understand or articulate what happened. However, as you have approached it well with her, she may have processed it fine - if you think about it, in the thankfully egocentric world of a toddler, it may be less traumatic than something like a firework display.

Elvisola · 01/10/2017 11:44

When I was two my dad ran into a house fire and rescued a mum and two children. They all survived. He left me on the pavement with a lady who took me to her house a few doors down.

My mum remembers that I was a little upset at the time but got over it very quickly and it all blew over.

I remember in lots of detail what happened that day, even now. I was terrified of alarms as a child, scared of fire and remain very cautious with regards fire sources, turning off plugs etc over 40 years later.

My parents never made a big deal of it but I'm not sure if talking it through with somebody when I was a child would have helped either. They were very supportive of why I felt the way I did which helped.

Don't draw more attention to it now but be aware it may manifest itself as she grows older.

Firenight · 01/10/2017 11:47

When my son was 5 we saw a road traffic incident on the way to school (motorcyclist out flat having urgent attention) - we talked it through as he wanted and needed, same as with an adult in many ways.

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