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Hate my life! Why on earth did I have children? I don't even like kids!

81 replies

uhoh2016 · 25/08/2017 14:45

Mum to 3 ds and I hate every single living day. Why I had 3 of them I really don't know because I hate kids, they bore and annoy me. Don't get me wrong i love them and care for them they want for nothing but I don't actually like them. Im such a horrible person for even feeling like this they deserve so much better this.Sad
I'm sick of the same mundane crap day after day I literally sit and cry a lot of the time I'm just empty.
If I had the financial means I would walk out the door and never come back. I've even thought about how I could end it all. My dh is a great Dad and husband I love him dearly. Although he's not a talker or one for showing emotion he does see that I struggle and helps out as much as he can he's probably the only reason I continue with this so called life .
Sorry just needed to rant

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
bubblybum · 25/08/2017 14:46

I think our should tell your gp how you feel, they will help you

bubblybum · 25/08/2017 14:47

Sorry that should say you should tell your gp.

CryptoFascist · 25/08/2017 14:48

Sorry you're feeling this way. It's absolutely relentless isn't it? How old are the boys?

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neighbourhoodwitch · 25/08/2017 14:49

So sorry. You sound like you might be severely depressed. Please consider seeing your GP.

BackieJerkhart · 25/08/2017 14:51

Are you a SAHP OP? If so I would try and make it so you got at least part time work or voluntary work so you are getting away from your DC for a few days every week. It really will make a difference. If you already work FT then I agree with seeing your GP.

BellaGoth · 25/08/2017 14:54

Yes, please see your GP. They will help.

Fwiw I have 2 children. I'm not a natural parent, I have battled with depression over the years. I have felt the same things you describe many, many times. It's hard.

Flowers for you.

upperlimit · 25/08/2017 14:54

Rant away if it helps. I think you do sound like you would benefit from some proper advice from your gp. Are things worse than usual?

House2home · 25/08/2017 14:55

I agree with working if you don't already. I started to feel this way and working even just one weekend day is a very welcome break for me.

Are they all boys? I've nothing to compare it too but I do find young boys draining in a group. They are so rough and loud.

I don't think you are horrible at all. You sound as if you are really struggling though, the GP is a good place to start.

uhoh2016 · 25/08/2017 15:01

I do work PT admittedly I would work more if I could afford the extra child care. The boys are 11 8 and 2. I did take anti depressants after the youngest. It didn't make me any happier just made me feel numb. I don't enjoy anything about being a parent I don't think they prescribe tablets to make you like the bad choices you have made

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 25/08/2017 15:02

Yes, I think you sound depressed, too. short-term, see the GP. Longer term: it is OK to not be suited to/fulfilled by motherhood alone. I think you need to think a bit about that, whether that is what is going on with you (it may not be; it may be other stuff).

If that is what is going on, and actually, you just aren't suited to it, accept this and find some work (paid, ideally) outside the home.

I strongly suspect that you have some kind of conflict between how you actually feel about parenting and how you think you should feel. Once you take the should part away, you diminish the agony and get a far clearer angle on everything.

A lot of parenting is, actually, bone-grinding, boring, repetitive housework. Yes, it has to be done. Yes, it is the practical, actual aspect of loving. However, no-one is ever going to sell it to me, for example, as the best thing that ever happened in my life. (And, yes, I know all about the zen aspect of housework. I just don't care.)

Similarly, there is a huge part of parenting which is the invisible labour of caring-for, loving, cherishing, thinking about, being fore-thoughtful, doing the thinking-with and emotional untangling for children who are learning emotional literacy, worrying (which is, in part, planning for those who cannot yet see the future): the emotional labour. That's fucking hard, too.

None of this is easy. Acknowledging that is also part of feeling better I suspect a lot of maternal despair/anger is caused by the fact that this truth is not acknowledged - by ourselves or others.

So, all of this is long-term solutions. In the meantime - has anything in particular triggered all this?

thecatfromjapan · 25/08/2017 15:07

Seen your up-date. I really think it might help to talk stuff through.

Stress and lack of sleep can make you see and feel things more bleakly than you otherwise might.

Genuinely, if being the parent responsible for parenting is making you feel this grim, taking the hit on upping your hours and paying for more childcare might be worth it.

My guess, though, is that the depression has deeper causes and those need to be addressed.

Honestly, life isn't supposed to be something you endure, or that is done to you, or fits you like a pair of too-small shoes. It is yours and you should feel able to take control of it enough to be (relatively) happy.

Justchillaxing · 25/08/2017 15:15

I understand how you feel. I feel the same, got carried away I think with the thought of a baby and didn't know what it would be like in real life. Then some sort of selective memory that meant I wanted another baby, craved a baby ... whilst forgetting how hard and boring it is.

I love my children deeply, more than anything. But I'm not a natural mother. Playing bores me. I hate the relentless cleaning, feeding etc. I don't know if it's depression or just how I am .. or a bit of both..

My youngest is now 16 and it's obviously much easier.

I have no answers, sorry. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I suspect many people feel like this but daren't admit it.

I got through the days by having a kind of tick list in my head ... fed healthy food, check; read a book to her, check; took her for a walk, check ... I read a lot, I enjoyed that. And I walked a lot with the pushchair ... Knowing I'd done something good helped get me through the rest.

Oblomov17 · 25/08/2017 15:37

Agree with Japan.

I'm not depressed but I find the monotony of children / life : what good to buy, preparing meals, yet again, un-appreciative kids whingeing wining; not being appreciated for all the effort that I do put in, e.g. for making sure they occasionally have their friends round etc, etc.
I find it really quite soul destroying.

So, you are not alone there!!

uhoh2016 · 25/08/2017 15:38

I did go to the Drs early this year he said I was severely stressed and wanted to sign me off work i declined this as I didn't want to be at home more than I had too. My work is quite stressful and under pressure so I don't really get a break from anything it's a world of 2 evils. I'll get 30hrs free childcare next year for the youngest I'm hoping that will ease things but until then I'm drowning, pulled in a million directions

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 25/08/2017 15:41

Is there no way you could afford the extra childcare until he gets his 30 free hours?

thecatfromjapan · 25/08/2017 15:43

OK. I think I can see how that would take you to breaking point: a cycle of stressful work and repetitive parent-work. Not a lot in the way of rest, fulfilment and joy. Ideally, the two things would be giving you some satisfaction: work helping you appreciate the joyful things in child-raising and vice versa; both complementing each other in the way of self-esteem.

Yes, I know that's an ideal! But it is a bit of a reality for most people.

I'm thinking you need to take practical action. Can you change jobs? Start looking for something else?

You clearly can't go on like this, so you are going to have to do something.

uhoh2016 · 25/08/2017 15:51

I can't afford extra child care it's £60 per day to put the youngest in nursery and the older 2 in breakfast and after school club. I do plan on looking for another job but at the moment I'm limited to certain days until the little one is in school

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 25/08/2017 15:54

But you would be earning at least £60 a day for an 8 hour day at work. Your extra wages would cover the extra chidlcare.

Mittens1969 · 25/08/2017 16:59

I'm sorry you're feel so low, it can be so hard when children are small, as toddlers are very hard work. You're bored because it is boring a lot of the time.

I get what you mean. I hated potty training with a passion, hated everything to do with it! I hated having to carry clean clothes everywhere, and having to go into Every. Single. Public. Toilet. And I hated hearing from the back seat, 'I need a wee wee', and then finding they'd already done it in their knickers. And I hated cleaning potties!!

There were other things I hated too. I hated cooking a meal only for one DD to tell me, 'I don't like it.'

I hated it when they wouldn't settle down to sleep. My DH would say, 'They don't want the day to end.' I used to think, 'But I bloody well want it to end!'

To make it worse, I adopted my two after years of infertility and any admission that I was struggling was met with, 'But you wouldn't have it any other way.' And I was always afraid of social services thinking I couldn't cope so it's been so hard being honest about my feelings.

And actually that's true now. Because now they're 8 and 5, they're so much more interesting to be around. I like them as well as love them, and we've just been on a family holiday, which has been fab!

newnamechange84 · 25/08/2017 17:03

I can empathise with you. I have three - two boys 10 and 8 and a daughter age 4. I absolutely love them with all my heart but find the whole rigmarole of being a mum really tedious. You do sound very depressed though. Can you get to see your gp? Sertraline really helped me through some dark days and although I'm off it now and still feeling a bit the same it did help me after it had built up. Have you pictured what life would be like without them and how you'd actually feel though? The reality may be slightly different

isthistoonosy · 25/08/2017 18:38

Do you get any time to yourself and as a couple? It wont fix everything but being able to get out to a hobby or to meet friends can break some of the bordom.

Mol1628 · 25/08/2017 18:44

I understand how you feel. Pretty much could have written exactly the same.
I don't have much advice really, other than to say you're not alone. I'm just hoping it gets better one day.

Msqueen33 · 25/08/2017 19:08

You've written how I feel. I have three between 9 and 4. My youngest two have autism the smallest severely so and I doubt I'll work again. I love my kids but the mindless drudge of daily life is very hard. If I knew what I did now I'm not sure I'd have kids and I feel awful saying that but I feel incredibly trapped and bored. I feel I'm on a wheel going round and round. I've lost a large part of my identity. I'm overweight and I'm lonely.

Ironfingers · 25/08/2017 19:30

Dad here and i hate to say it but i have been feeling the same recently.
I cannot cope and am on the edge of control most days.
My kids bicker and fight every 5 minutes, always biting each other (occasionally blood is drawn) refuse to do the most basic of requests (get dressed, stop throwing your food around, don't jump on the bed, tidy up the room you have just trashed).

I am in the police and I would honestly rather be at work. Parenting is much much harder than dealing with a violent prisoner.

Can't you any advice but it was nice to discover I am not the only parent who feels like this.

Msqueen33 · 25/08/2017 22:49

It feels like you're not really allowed to say it and if you did people would look at you like you were evil. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and how I feel I need change but don't know how I'd ever get it.

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