Hate my life! Why on earth did I have children? I don't even like kids!

[uhoh2016]

Mum to 3 ds and I hate every single living day. Why I had 3 of them I really don't know because I hate kids, they bore and annoy me. Don't get me wrong i love them and care for them they want for nothing but I don't actually like them. Im such a horrible person for even feeling like this they deserve so much better this.
I'm sick of the same mundane crap day after day I literally sit and cry a lot of the time I'm just empty.
If I had the financial means I would walk out the door and never come back. I've even thought about how I could end it all. My dh is a great Dad and husband I love him dearly. Although he's not a talker or one for showing emotion he does see that I struggle and helps out as much as he can he's probably the only reason I continue with this so called life .
Sorry just needed to rant

Hi OP, my dad told my mum he wished he never had kids and then tried to kill himself and then left my mum after 30 years together and ran away to Thailand and changed his number etc. It can be done if you want to do that but we'll never forgive him if he bothers to come back (he won't).

Threads like this always attract other parents saying how much they hate it too. I find this a huge relief. I wouldn't say I hate it but I thought I'd be a fab mum and I'm not. I find it boring and tiring. The thing is I think that parenting just is very very hard work and stressful because it entails putting your own needs last....a lot. Try not to add to your misery by feeling guilty op, if your boys are well cared for then you're doing a good job.
Would it help to get out of the house in the evening a couple of nights a week? Do a night class, take up a sport, join a choir? Something that will make you feel a bit more like yourself rather than somebody's mum?
Sending op you are definitely not alone!

Japan as always offers good advice.

I only have 1 DD (3), single parent - I recently did CBT therapy and whilst I won't go into the in-depth stuff on here, a really useful tool I find when I'm getting stressed and think this is relentless, is to stop myseld and remember this is what it is like for now - not forever. I hope things get better but remember you're not alone

@Samoyedydog I could have written this! I didn't enjoy the first years either. I had DS1 when I was fairly young. When I got pregnant, his father told me he already had a family! I cried throughout the pregnancy and I LOST (!) weight. When DS1 was born, I felt miserable and so depressed, I had a social worker come in a few times a week to take me and DS1 for a walk. Otherwise, I just sat on the sofa and watched tv. I thought my life was over, single mother, with only A-levels behind her belt, what was I going to do with my life? I didn't enjoy my son's first years at all, I don't even remember much and I feel very guilty about it and he's 10 already.
8 years later I had DS2 and I'm trying to do it differently but now he's 2, the work is relentless. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I want to read a fucking book without falling asleep from exhaustion. I want my life back!

Have you considered CBT? It really sounds as if you need to talk through your thoughts properly. CBT have trained staff that are equipped to do this. Patients often find themselves in a much better place after the process than they did when taking antidepressants.
My GP thought I had moderate depression, so I referred myself and it honestly helped me more than I can say.
You can self refer, you don't need to go via your GP if you don't want to, they would keep the surgery in the loop.

As others have mentioned you will need to make sure of your contraception ,have you considered sterilization? I was sterilized after my fifth son it's much easier than you think.My sister who's a consultant recommended it to me it's just a keyhole operation done as an out patient.Then you need to focus on the 30 hours child care and use some of that to just catch up on yourself not just for work .Accept all help offered. Get the older ones to be responsible for tidying own rooms at least. You can do this !you can get through this difficult stage .

I've found some relief on here in reading how other people feel. DH and I really wanted our DDs, we went to hell and back to be able to adopt them, and it's so hard to admit to finding it really hard sometimes, especially with DD1. If it wasn't anonymous on here I wouldn't admit to this, but at times (in the past when they were the ages yours are, OP), I've wanted to walk away, but it was depression talking. I'm on sertraline now (as I also have PTSD because of my past), and that's really helped).

I could have written this a few years ago. I have three, similar age difference to you but now my youngest is 6 and is in school. I spent days wondering why I hadn't stopped at two - standing in the rain with push chair waiting for the older two at school who would then inevitably come out tired, hungry and bickering. It gets easier OP. I recently started excersising again and that really helps mental health. Yesterday though I felt so unappreciated and invisible when DD1 (11 years old) went on and on at breakfast about how I favoured the youngest one because I made her water bottle for her (youngest) but not for the oldest. It made no difference when I pointed out that dd3 had taken her water bottle out, rinsed it and left it on the drying board like they are all supposed to after school (Scotland so we are back at school) I get verbally abused by my 11 year old because I don't wander around the house looking for her fucking water bottle so I can rinse and fill it! Honestly days like that I feel like jacking it all in and disappering. I feel for you and have no answers, just to let you know you're not alone. Policeman dad's post made me feel better ...

Thanks for the support. Yes I have been sterilized no more babies coming my way. GP suggested counselling but the thought of talking to someone made me feel so anxious that I felt worse so didn't go through with it. I don't want to talk to someone, I want someone to make it all go away

I'm assuming you might have looked at this already but would you and dh be more suited to you working full time and him part time, at least for a while because by the sounds of it you must have had a long old stint being the primary carer? Obviously that might be financially difficult

That's where medication can help in the short-term can help, OP. And 30 hours childcare, not just when you're in work but as a break?

Or maybe full-time work if you have a job you enjoy? You may find yourself enjoying your children more if you see them less.

Anyone who is suggesting you talk to a counsellor is nuts. How could a counsellor help you with your daily struggles with your kids? Is the counsellor going to bathe, feed and entertaining your kids? Because the money you spend on moaning to somebody's ear, you might as well spend on someone useful like a cleaner or au-pair who actually does something practical to help you have a break.
Get a live in au-pair I say.
And don't let people suggest you are depressed. You are just tired and fed up. It's very different.

OP I would make it a point of telling DH that as much as he is agreat physical help when he is home that he also needs to take responsibility for the organising stuff too. Yes he works long hours but lots of parents do those hours and still have to organise their DC (my mum did). I would sit down with him and tell him you are on your last nerve and there is no option but for him to take up the slack. A good tool for you is google family calendar. It means you and he can put all relevant dates/reminders on it and both of you can see exactly the same thing so there is no excuse for him not to know when DCs start school for example. You can also schedule in things like uniform shopping/haircuts etc for his days off so he can take them and sort it.

I agree with guiltybystander

I agree with guilty too.

And I'm relieved to read irons post. When my dc's are fighting and ignoring me I don't know which way to turn or what damage to prevent first. at least the police have tasers, dogs and back up riot squads .

@uhoh2016 How are you?
I too agree with pp - it's not depression.

meagle your post made me laugh. Thank you! When it's 6pm and I'm trying to cook dinner with a whiny 2.5 yo demanding attention and an 8mo climbing my legs whilst I'm brandishing a sharp knife and a kettle of boiling water, I would welcome the possibility of tasering the pair of them so I can get dinner on the table.

OP I hear where you're coming from - the drudgery of childcare is never ending. Lots of helpful advice here though on practical things that could help.

There's some TERRIBLE advice on here. You can't say whether someone is or isn't clinically depressed based on an internet thread. And it's fucking irresponsible to tell the OP not to have counselling, or give her an armchair all-clear, when she has admitted thinking about how to end it all.

OP, you're not alone in how you feel. But it sounds like you're exhausted and miserable and something needs to change. Maybe counselling would help you figure out what and how. Maybe it's about changing the balance of responsibilities with your DH. Perhaps you could agree to be signed off work for a couple of weeks, and get DH to take a fortnight's holiday so you can go away for a rest and a think. Trying to hold your breath for months until the 30 hours childcare kicks in sounds an awfully long time to feel like this. Think about what you can change now, and see if it helps.

Good luck.

It’s fine that you feel this way. I do too. I love the people’s comments about “go back to work”, I hear that too. My retort is “it doesn’t make the kids go away”. Yeah I find a PT job, but then I still have to get up even earlier (yay...) so I can get myself ready, the kids ready, bags packed, and then taxi the kids to daycare and school, so that I can rush to work, feel guilty all day for not being home with them, then rush out of work to have to retrace my steps to pick them up, rush home to make dinner, etc. And still be in charge of all the household crap, now doing this around a work schedule. Yeah, going back to work fixes the mistake of stupidly having children. And, NO, it’s not postpartum depression. It’s all-consuming regret.

I really feel for you OP. I could also have written your post. The only thing that worked for me was working ft regardless of the cost. It saved me. Childcare is not just a women’s expense.

I have 3boys, I love with all my heart and soul and I would give my life to save my sons however... OMG...this post is my life. Same old mundane task day after day, I feel like I really hate children. They annoy me soooooo much. They make soo much mess, make so much noise, ask so much questions. I have a 1 year old boy, and a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old boy. And this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. My boys fight and argue and every minute I hear the word ' mummy' my 1 year old is so clingy that I always try to get away from him. I am soooooo frustrated the 1 year old makes so much mess and dont listen and touches everything then there is the school run, inhave no time to shower... the post here is me..

OP I empathise with you and agree a trip to the drs would be worthwhile if you are having dark thoughts.

I’m a sahp to two under 4’s who were very much planned and wanted. But Jeebus is it a relentless grind. Housework, nappies, illness, tantrums etc. I have given up today and they are spending the day in front of the telly.

I got a weekend job but it didn’t help as I am still on my own with them mon-fri. DH is understanding and does a lot around the house when he’s not working.

I have nightmares sometimes about finding out we’re expecting again and wake up in tears. Luckily DH has had the snip.

I never have a minute to myself in the day. I’m counting down the days until they’re both in Pre-school in September and I can breathe again if only for a few hours a day

I had three girls and we were very close due to the absence of their father climbing on peoples heads to get what he wanted.
I loved being a parent always putting my child needs before my own...big mistake
My eldest daughter was always great, lending herself to the middle daughter because she was some up and coming show jumping star. We used to travel everywhere all over the state attending events that the middle daughter had circled. We didn't know that we where her stepping blocks. The youngest daughter hated the life.
I had had enough and I decided that I was not loved nor cherished..I wanted to be loved back so I had interest from a man that lasted 10 seconds.
The marriage was doomed anyway..my husband went to Europe for work and I had found out later I could have gone to..instead I had to stay at home and look after the kids.
We split after my husband the good Engineer he was assaulted the eldest daughter ..barrister kept him out of jail!!. The middle daughter started sharing nudes cause of the lack of attention. I tried helping her by going to her father and he used it against me to hone in on what they could possibly need..money
So after the middle daughters sharing habit Daddy offered her a good life and she went to live with him where Daddy kept a relationship quiet with my middle daughter that was 13 with the guy next door that was 20...I still tried to help her after finding this out and I was told I made up stories..after 7 years together they got engaged. At 20 she was sposed to be married to him but she decided that she just wasn't happy...I can't stand my two younger kids..the middle one in particular. I lost my soul in grief for a long time..my x best friend that I confided in while getting a divorce now lives a money kind of life with my x and my children have no conscious..I wish I'd never been a parent to them..I've made my own life

Update?
I feel the same xx

You sound depressed, I agree see your GP. You are not horrible at all. Dcs can be boring and very annoying!