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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I have a baby if I'm not sure I want to be a mother?

68 replies

dw4518 · 09/08/2017 21:27

Hi everyone, I'm stuck on a major life decision and could do with some guidance!

I'm 31 and work full time, really like my life as it is, good relationship with husband to be.

I don't have any desire to have my own children or to be a mother, although I think babies are cute and enjoyed watching my little brother growing up (13 year age gap).

I'm stable financially and could afford a baby BUT I'm already short on time. I'm scared life will become all about baby and I won't get enough time to do the things I enjoy. I feel bad for being selfish with my time but life is so short as it is, I want to live the way I want.

On the other hand I know I would be a good mother and would love the child. I would look forward to them growing up and becoming my friend (hopefully). Looking after me in my old age is not expected but would be an extra bonus.

Husband to be is leaning towards having 1 child but he is not that bothered.

At my age I know I only have a few years to decide. I'm just not sure what to do. If I don't have a child I may regret it later in life. If I have a child I may resent the impact on my time and money.

Any tips or personal experiences would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

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mimiholls · 09/08/2017 21:39

I don't have any desire to have my own children or to be a mother

I think you've just answered your own question?

talonofthehawk · 09/08/2017 21:39

Wouldn't bother...

DancingLedge · 09/08/2017 21:42

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

CatAnnoyance · 09/08/2017 21:43

I wouldn't have a baby if deep down neither of you are that bothered. It takes a lot of commitment to deal with a baby.

But.... my experience is this. I was 36 and always said I never wanted children, my partner and I have been together 13 years and enjoyed holidays and chilled nights at home and spontaneous nights out and our own hobbies.

Then all of a sudden I found myself pregnant after missing a few days taking the pill. It was like oh fuck, what the holy fuck do we do now. By the time the idea had really grown on us I had a miscarriage. That was enough to make us realise that d'you know what? I think we can do this. So we actively tried and were lucky enough to have had our amazing baby girl in February.

I honestly do not miss our previous life. Life is different and I hardly have any free time but it's a good different. And the free time I do get I enjoy all the more. We still do the stuff we used to do. We just fit it around the baby.

Sorry that was a long response!!

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 21:43

I don't have any desire to have my own children or to be a mother

Then why are you even asking?

QuackDuckQuack · 09/08/2017 21:44

At 31 you probably have a fair bit of time to play with. We were undecided about whether to have a second child, so I decided to think about it every 6 months and make a decision for the next 6 months so I wasn't thinking about it all the time. Eventually I realised that I'd never shake the 'what if' feeling so decided to have a second child. I'm not saying this to suggest you have a child, but to suggest a structure for thinking about it and an explanation about what made me make the final decision. Deciding whether to have a first baby is much harder that deciding to have any more. My lovely DH described deciding to have a second as 'well, you might as well, your life is already ruined'.

InDubiousBattle · 09/08/2017 21:46

Don't. You don't want to be a mum. Everything will become all about the baby and you won't have all much time or money (god the money)for the things you want to do. Parenting is, at least in my opinion, for the completely committed and enthusiastic!

Original poster

dw4518 · 09/08/2017 21:49

Thanks for the replies so far. To those of you asking why am I asking if I have no desire to have children, that doesn't mean I won't regret it later not having children, and perhaps I would really enjoy motherhood and don't know it. If that makes any sense?

OP posts:

ApplesTheHare · 09/08/2017 21:53

Nah, don't do it unless you really want to.

BadlyParkedRangeRover · 09/08/2017 21:55

Fuck no.
A child changes your life hugely. Lack of freedom, physically, incredibly demanding.
People who really want children often regret it!

confusedandemployed · 09/08/2017 21:56

No. But you're only 31. You may change your opinion. I was 6 weeks shy of 40 having DD and no way was I ready before then. You have more time than you think (statistically)

mineofuselessinformation · 09/08/2017 21:57

Don't do it unless you feel you want to - it's a big life decision, and it doesn't sound like you are ready yet.
Time is on your side!

mimiholls · 09/08/2017 21:57

It is hard hard work, I don't think you should go into it with no desire to be a mother on the off chance you might find you enjoy it. You don't have a child to have a friend either, that's completely the wrong way to look at it.

InDubiousBattle · 09/08/2017 21:58

I think you probably do know it! Motherhood is wonderful but it takes over your whole being (or at least for me is has). You always have to consider them first, put their needs first, make their well being your absolute priority. It really is amazing but I think you need to be of the 'I really really want to do this' mentality.

BTPlonker · 09/08/2017 21:58

It is a tough decision. Its a shame you can't see into the future to see how each option pans out. From my experience, it doesn't have to be all about the child with only one. I still do the same hobby I did pre DC, although I did give it up due to lack of time while DS was tiny, until he was 3. We also still travel, and DS comes with us. It obviously depends to some extent on your financial situation, and the personality of the child that you end up with though. We were lucky enough to end up with an easy going one, who is happy being carted round the world to weird and wonderful places.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 09/08/2017 21:58

PPs are right. Don't plan to have a baby if you don't really want one.

It's your life (and DPs), there's absolutely nothing wrong or selfish about not wanting to be parents.

In all probability you do still have 10-15 years left to change your mind, which you may do. If you do, then great. I certainly wouldn't recommend anyone to have a baby now just in case they might regret not having one later in life though.

HighlyCompetentExWife · 09/08/2017 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InDubiousBattle · 09/08/2017 21:59

Also I agree with confused, 31 is still young enough to just shelve it for a year or two and see if you feel differently later.

FartnissEverbeans · 09/08/2017 22:02

I was in exactly your position when I got pregnant accidentally.

Best thing ever. DS is the absolute love of my life. I can't believe how much I enjoy being his mum.

My standard of living hasn't improved, I've put on weight, I'm poorer, sex hurt a lot for ten months (!). I don't care about any of those things. DS is worth every bit and more.

Two days ago he cut his second tooth. He waves at everything, he smiles at everyone, when he's scared he reaches out for me. He's lying next to me in bed right now, this perfect, hilarious, warm, crazy little guy and I love him so much I could cry.

That probably wasn't helpful

minipie · 09/08/2017 22:10

I would never ever advise someone to have a baby who doesn't really feel like they want one. That urge is what makes us ignore all the very very good reasons for not having children. If you don't have it then listen to reason!!

I'm scared life will become all about baby and I won't get enough time to do the things I enjoy. I feel bad for being selfish with my time but life is so short as it is, I want to live the way I want.

You are right. Life will become all about the baby and you won't get the time. Not for years and years, if ever. You are no more selfish than someone who has children - they had children because it was what they wanted, not for the good of mankind.

Oh, and I used to think I'd be a good mother. Turns out I'm passable to shit at it. I have low patience especially when chronically sleep deprived. Not saying you'd have the same problem, just that motherhood and the qualities required for it are nothing like what I expected.

HeadDreamer · 09/08/2017 22:15

I didn't want to have children at 31. It was only at 35 that I thought it was now or never. However I always know I wanted to be a mother but just not now. I was enjoying my life. Children are a huge commitment and you still have a few years to think. If you aren't sure, then don't have them.

Original poster

dw4518 · 09/08/2017 22:27

I am surprised that most of the replies say don't do it, I thought more of you would try to convince me motherhood was amazing.

I know biologically I have time still but don't want to be an older parent, as will have less energy etc.

I've read a lot of threads on the topic and almost all mums love their children and don't seem to regret it, so in some ways I feel like if go with the flow and have a baby and regretted it, at least that is what most people do. Whereas if I went against the flow and regretted it, I'd beat myself up more because I deliberately choose the wrong path!

OP posts:

smellyboot · 09/08/2017 22:41

Shelve idea for a year or two. You may feel different when all your friends have kids. I didn't want any until much later and now have two who are bonkers and extremely highly strung and never sit still. They are amazing but it is full on all the time and life is totally different to my pre child existence in every way. One child is much easier than two in retaining a normal life however. Once you have two at school who have endless activities, friends over and parties etc, free time is dictated by the whole family schedule not impromptu single decisions lol!
We often laugh about how we though we weee busy before... the days when you could actually watch a whole movie of an evening or have a massive lie in with the Sundays paper and cups of tea

Original poster

dw4518 · 09/08/2017 22:48

Yes I will shelf the idea for now and reassess later, or if later husband decides he really wants a baby.

I hear this a lot though, mothers saying they are totally busy and have zero time but still find it rewarding. I just don't understand it lol. Being that busy sounds horrible, the reward must be amazing to compensate?

OP posts:

smellyboot · 09/08/2017 23:09

Its is amazing and rewarding as you create a brand new human being whom you are then totally responsible for. You will love that child to death and act like a lioness in their defence. You will delight in their achievements however small. They will make you laugh and light up your day on many occasions.
However most honest parents will tell you that when you've not had a decent nights sleep for three years, are skint (nursery bill £1k a month) and your child has screamed all day, the shine can rub off !!!
By school age, the entire family schedule means that you run round like a headless chicken, you live in a house that looks like a tornado has been through it and you descend into eating beans on toast and pasta a lot.
Great blog by unmummsy mum is spot on - shes just written a book too

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