Should I have a baby if I'm not sure I want to be a mother?

[dw4518]

Hi everyone, I'm stuck on a major life decision and could do with some guidance!

I'm 31 and work full time, really like my life as it is, good relationship with husband to be.

I don't have any desire to have my own children or to be a mother, although I think babies are cute and enjoyed watching my little brother growing up (13 year age gap).

I'm stable financially and could afford a baby BUT I'm already short on time. I'm scared life will become all about baby and I won't get enough time to do the things I enjoy. I feel bad for being selfish with my time but life is so short as it is, I want to live the way I want.

On the other hand I know I would be a good mother and would love the child. I would look forward to them growing up and becoming my friend (hopefully). Looking after me in my old age is not expected but would be an extra bonus.

Husband to be is leaning towards having 1 child but he is not that bothered.

At my age I know I only have a few years to decide. I'm just not sure what to do. If I don't have a child I may regret it later in life. If I have a child I may resent the impact on my time and money.

Any tips or personal experiences would be much appreciated!

I would look forward to them growing up and becoming my friend (hopefully).

This also isn't a reason to become a parent. Your child shouldn't be your friend, you will always have the parent role. There is parenting to be done even when your kids are adults! They'll need your advice, help, support, reassurance etc. It's not like you can always just share your woes and bounce them off your 'friend'.

And on being an older parent, better to be an older parent who's sure they want to do this gig, rather than a younger, miserable mum who is wishing the days away.

Parenting can be bloody hard and boring and tiring, I'm in the middle of 2 under 2 and most days at the moment are not all that fun. But I was desperate to be a mum, and I wouldn't change it. To me the small moments of love are worth the lack of freedom and money and time. But if I wasn't 100% sure I'd wanted it I know I'd be resenting my kids massively. Leave it a year or two and re-evaluate.

Give yourself a couple of years and see how you feel. I was 36 when I had my first and it's great. When I was 30 I was travelling lots and enjoying life and I wouldn't change those years for the world. I cant picture the 30 year old me as a mother but now I think I'm really suited to it (I hope!)

Do all those things you really want to that are easier to do baby-free in the next few years (travelling, focussing on career etc) so if you decide to try to have children in a few years time, you'll be happy that you've done all that.

One thing you can be sure of: if you have a child, life WILL be all about him or her. Unless you really want to do this, I would say don't bother.

You've read threads saying it's great?

Maybe spend a bit more time on here, nearly every thread is about how it's horrible! Plenty of threads called "I regret having children" etc as well, just search for them.

I've been reading Mn for a year and today is literally the first time I've seen a thread about the positives of babies.

If you don't have a deep desire to have children, which will get you through the daily challenges and frustrations, and are worried about losing time for yourself, definitely, definitely do not have kids. And if your husband isn't too bothered, add an extra definitely.

My kids are healthy, neurotypical, brilliant, funny and sweet, but also exhausting, maddening and tedious. I love them both madly and am a decent mother most days but nowhere near the wonderful mother I dreamed of being or that everyone said I would be. I have very little me-time. Life is a constant battle of juggling that I know will only get worse once they're both at school. Relationship with OH is okay but having kids has been challenging on it, despite us both really wanting them.

And it's a story that's common to most of my friends to better or worse degrees (childcare / life juggle / partnership). Parenting can be hugely rewarding but it ain't for the faint of heart.

Ime most people are not so feeble in their 40s and 50s that they can't cope with the demands of a small child or teenager. Any loss of physical stamina is usually compensated for by a little bit more patience (and it's frustration that makes you tired as a parent, more than the actual physical work). So from that pov you can afford to wait.

If you don't want to do it I'd advise you don't. It's hard and you have the buggers around for the rest of your life.

Put it in the back of your mind for now and enjoy the next few years. You may feel differently in a few years (I did; you may not).

I adore my kids but life has changed massively. I now basically get no time to do anything that I want to do! And indirectly it's ruined my career. But I wouldn't change anything.

Frazzled thats me too! ... although if we had loads of family support which some do, I might have some time to myself - but we don't so luxury now is a 20min bath uninterupted

Agree with everyone else. Shelve the idea for now, tick off some more of your bucket list, come back to it in a year or two.
There is nothing, not one single thing, wrong with not having children because you just don't want to. There are a lot of not-very-good parents out there, and a lot of people who regret it. Search for some threads on here - there are many.
If you're on the fence, and you go for it, and you get a hard work baby, you will be pushed very close to (or possibly over) the edge. It is unbelievably fucking hard, and if you weren't 100% on board in the first place you will wind up massively resentful and unhappy.
That being said - after the first year or two, life can go back to a semblance of 'normal' if you have one child. One is much much easier in terms of travel, lifestyle, hobbies, etc than 2+ would be.
There's no right or wrong, and if you accidentally fell pregnant tomorrow and decided to keep the baby, you'd no doubt love them and by fascinated by them and think they were the most incredible thing in the whole world, just like so many other people do. But why take the risk, especially when you really don't need to yet - if you're lucky you've probably got a good 10ish years of reasonable fertility left. Definitely at least 5. Worry about it later.

No definitely not. You've still time if you change your mind in five years time but if in doubt don't! They're a lifetime commitment X

How much time you have depends on so many factors, money, help, your dp and your baby. I have friends with two sets of willing gps who do lots of free child care so they do have time together and time to themselves. They are in the minority though. Every single one of my friends proclaimed 'dp/dh will be a wonderful and hands on father' before they had kids. Some of these wonderful dad's don't know where their kids childminder lives or where their pjs are kept. Dp is a wonderful father and I get a fair bit of time away (I go out at least once a week)but still a drop in the ocean compared to pre dc.

The baby you get is a biggie. We are so lucky to have two healthy dc ( although ds was speech delayed which caused a lot of worry and stress). My friends has a little boy who has been diagnosed with asd which is very serious. He can't go to bed without her, routines are set in stone. She has spent every night for the last 4.5 years holding him for up to 2 hours until he goes to sleep. Some days start at 4am.I have said in the past that I just couldn't cope with that, but that's Bollocks, of course I could because I would be his mother and that's it. You find a way because you are their parents.

I also echo what pp have said that lots of people regret having dc. I personally know a few who would not have them if they had their time over. That is not to say that they don't love their kids, they do. My sister is older than me and several of her friends I their late 40's early 50's have been child free and they love it, maybe a bit bitter sweet at times but no deep regrets.

Having children is amazing but if you're not desperate then don't!

Having a baby is really hard - even I, who really wanted one, have had moments where I think "what have I done??" It's also important to remember that it's not just about how happy you'd be, but about this new separate person - if you end up miserable and regretting it, that'll have a horrible effect on your child as well as you.

I'm a young mum. First at 19, second at 22. I love it. It's amazing. It's horribly hard. I don't regret it. But I ALWAYS wanted to be a mum. From when I was very small, I dreamed of having lots of kids and all the lovely stuff that comes with it.

And I still wake up at 4 in the morning and think 'what have I done'

Honestly. It is the best and most rewarding thing. But it is also the hardest and sometimes be most horrible.

There is a big stigma around people saying they regret having children, so there won't be too many people willing to share that! But it does happen.

I am not one of those people that believe your life isn't complete until you have a partner and a child or 2. If your life feels complete now, why rock the boat?

I've read a lot of threads on the topic and almost all mums love their children and don't seem to regret it

There are probably more parents out there than you think who completely regret having children, but can you imagine if they admitted this?

I'm due to get married, I'm 27 and my partner is 31 so I do have more time to play with but right now the baby thing isn't for us. We enjoy our life too much the way it is.

Our home is beautiful. Our relationship is fantastic. We have a great social life and no real money worries, why rock the boat?

We have decided that we won't have children until it's something we both desperately want and we would never have a baby just because it's the "done" thing.

Right now I would advise not to have a baby. Neither of you are bothered.

I would rather regret not having a child than regretting having them.

I was always sure I wanted kids and did have one at 32 - he is the absolute love of my life and the best thing I've ever done. BUT I still wouldn't recommend having one if you don't really want to! Yes you'd love your child but they're bloody hard work and your life does change! Loss of free time and liberty to do as you please on a whim is a biggie for me! I thought I wanted a few kids but I've still not had a second a few years later because it's all been tougher than I anticipated.

You've still got plenty of time. Shelve it for a couple of years. You might change your mind, you might not. Don't do it just because you think you ought to.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 19 and I was overwhelmed with a strong urge to go with it, I by no means regret my decision. However, I have found it very challenging and sometimes sad that my life has been put on pause in terms of friendships and university studies. My dp is incredibly supportive & an amazing dad. You feel like you're in Groundhog Day alot of the time but there are lots of major highlights about having a baby. It will change your relationship, it will change you physically & mentally and you will be sort of 'reborn' a new person from the second you are handed your new baby (at that point you know there is no going back!) I love my dd with all my heart and I now wouldn't change it for the world! My overall point is that I went into pregnancy knowing I wanted to be a mum and there have been points where it's been incredibly stressful and made me question everything.
If you are going into this already unsure then I'm not sure if it is the best decision for you at this moment in time 🤔

You'll never really know what was the right decision as you can only ever choose one option. Make your decision and be committed to making the most of it - there's no point living a life of regret.

I know very few women who regret having children (or regret not having had them). I know a few who regret their choice of partner though. Think about how it might impact your relationship:

Would you be prepared to give up work (or work far less hours and limit your career) whilst your husband continued in his career? The vast majority of primary carers and part time workers are mothers. (Men seem to mostly bypass all that somehow.)

If you'd both continue working at the same level - how would you both manage childcare? Is your husband prepared to do half? or would he see this as your responsibility?

Would you be prepared to be financially dependant on your partner, with no income of your own?

Could you continue living where you are now or would you need to move for more affordable space/bigger garden/better schools? If you moved could you both still commute to work?

If your relationship broke up could you see yourself as a single parent? The vast majority of primary carers following a divorce are mothers.

Do you have family within a reasonable distance who are willing and able to help?

It isn't just about having children (or not). Its who you have them with.

Children are amazing but it is very hard work, and from the moment they are conceived it will always be about them. And you love them more than anything. But I think people tend to greatly romanticise becoming a parent. It can be so difficult and challenging. Obviously it takes over everything.

Just because you are a woman, with a womb, you don't automatically have to reproduce. You can have a wonderful life with out kids, I am sure. We aren't all born just to be mothers.

Live the life you want, make the choices that you want and don't feel guilty about it. And there is nothing selfish about that.

It's hard to quantify.

I do think if you've always wondered "What's the fuss?" you'll be surprised by the good parts and find it much better than imagined.

Whereas people like me who always wanted children and perhaps jumped in a little too eagerly tend to feel a lot more like "Fuck, it's not like I thought it would be" and find it hard.

Like most things if you start a thread looking for the positives you'll find a load of positives, if you start one looking for the negatives you'll end up with horror stories. In reality of course it's a mixture of the two, not every awful thing will apply to your experience, the only thing which seems to hold true across all parents is that parenting is an experience which is magnified far greater than any other experience, probably just because it's so intense, it's literally 24/7 (how many other things are truly 24/7?) and for life. It's not a pet who will live 10 years, or a job you can quit. You're always a parent.

What I have learned is: If you're the kind of person who can go with the flow to some extent, who is okay with not always being perfect, who's happy with a bodge job sometimes and won't go back and mull over it, you'll probably do alright as a parent. If you're a bit resilient and don't tend to feel overly anxious over how you've impacted on people, yep. If you have a genuinely supportive partner who sees you as a person first, not a woman first, is helpful when you're vulnerable, encourages you to your full potential, doesn't quibble over perceived unfairness between you/is conscious and relaxed about ebb and flow, is the kind of person you'd be proud to see your child growing into, then you'll probably be alright. If you are the kind of person who needs to be in control, but you have a lot of money, that sort of makes up for that one. Most importantly, if you approach parenthood with your partner as a genuinely challenging but valuable thing that you want to tackle/achieve together, rather than idly thinking "this will improve my life" or "this is the next logical step for us", then you'll do great, you've got the right attitude, and while of course you'll find things challenging, you'll be in a brilliant position to appreciate the good things, and likely find the whole endeavour to be rewarding.

You have lots of time BTW, the age 35 thing is exaggerated, many women have babies into their 40s. And even four years is a long time, unless you want to have lots of children - which I'm really not getting the impression that you do! :)

When you read the replies by people saying they felt the same but then got accidentaly pregnant and completely loved it - do you feel like you secretly wish you might accidentally fall pregnant too at some point (which would take the weight of the decision/possible regret off you in a way)? Or do you just think 'Aaah need to double up contraception so that never happens to me'?

No. You and your partner must both agree and tbh you will be the one carrying the baby and probably its primary carer for the first year. We had ivf privately to have our little boy who is 2.5 and I love him more than anything in the world. However, our old life of lazy beach holidays and going out for dinner and to the cinema, lazing in bed at the weekends is gone. I'm now 41 and DH is 45 so we are happy to stay at home with a bottle of wine and watch tv but some of my younger friends are finding it hard. They still want to go out and party which inevitably means doing less with their other half as one of them has to stay at home with the baby.

Just figured out how I'm supposed to "reply" to individual posters so here we go:

aliya84 I would like to consciously make the decision so would be less than pleased falling pregnant. But I wouldn't feel it was the end of the world either. I suppose I would be ok with it.

hiveofactivity I would hate to be a single parent. I'd also absolutely hate it to have a child who is disabled. I would really regret it then so it would be a gamble that the baby is healthy.

RhubardGin I see both situations being equally horrible. Regretting not having kids and regretting having them. At least the first one is a slow sort of decision whereas having children is instant irreversibility lol

CaptainWarbeck I know you shouldn't have a child for selfish reasons but I'd hope that with a strong relationship they would grow up wanting to be my friend, take care of me in my old age etc, just like I want to do for my own parents.

Last night I spend hours reading an 18 page thread on mumsnet on regret having children, which is what lead me to think I might not have one. But before that I always thought even if you aren't enthusiastic on the idea, being married and a woman it's just natural to have a child at some point.

A big con against children is the never ending responsibility. I actually really like babies and children and pestered my mum to give me a sibling at 13. I had a big part in his upbringing although of course it's totally different to being his mum. Even as a sister I was worried about so many things, was he growing tall enough, were his glasses/braces comfortable, was he being bullied at school, his lack of attention to detail costing him marks in exams etc. And I can imagine being a mother worrying so much more!

Don't do it. There's only one good reason to have a kid and that is really, really wanting one.

I was ambivalent so I thought fuck it, and went for it. Then I had suicidal PND which I am now fully recovered from but which has altered my spirit for life.

I adore my son but I think of my old life every day. I crave solitude and silence. I can't have it because I chose motherhood.

If one of the only things you look forward to about having children is them looking after you in your old age then no please don't do it!