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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I have a baby if I'm not sure I want to be a mother?

68 replies

dw4518 · 09/08/2017 21:27

Hi everyone, I'm stuck on a major life decision and could do with some guidance!

I'm 31 and work full time, really like my life as it is, good relationship with husband to be.

I don't have any desire to have my own children or to be a mother, although I think babies are cute and enjoyed watching my little brother growing up (13 year age gap).

I'm stable financially and could afford a baby BUT I'm already short on time. I'm scared life will become all about baby and I won't get enough time to do the things I enjoy. I feel bad for being selfish with my time but life is so short as it is, I want to live the way I want.

On the other hand I know I would be a good mother and would love the child. I would look forward to them growing up and becoming my friend (hopefully). Looking after me in my old age is not expected but would be an extra bonus.

Husband to be is leaning towards having 1 child but he is not that bothered.

At my age I know I only have a few years to decide. I'm just not sure what to do. If I don't have a child I may regret it later in life. If I have a child I may resent the impact on my time and money.

Any tips or personal experiences would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

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museumum · 10/08/2017 15:01

I wasn't fussed at 31 but by 35 we were sure we wanted to try. Wouldn't have been too distraught if it didn't happen so leaving it "that late" wasn't an issue. Most people I met at antenatal were a similar age. We since have had no urge for a second child but no regrets at all about ds (now 4).

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 10/08/2017 15:10

Don't do it yet if you really don't want to.
I'm of the opinion that it's better to regret not having children than to regret having them.
In the first scenario you may get to old age and think back wistfully about what your life would have been like with a child and in your mind it would have been perfect and you may feel sad about never experiencing that.
In the second scenario you may have created another human being who doesn't feel like they have a strong bond with their parents, who maybe doesn't feel loved and feels like they were an inconvience. This could have a massive effect on their life, the people close to them and sometimes society as a whole.

Some people who didn't particularly want children make great parents and their children never know. Some don't and it's a huge risk.

Read some of the threads by people who feel like there parents didn't really care for them even if they could provide financially.

You have ages to decide, don't make a decision that you, or more importantly your child would regret.

dataandspot · 10/08/2017 15:15

" I know I would be a good mother and would love the child".

Bollocks. You have no idea what you will be like as a mother or if you will love your child.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 10/08/2017 15:47

Can you see yourself/can you go your whole life and not become a mother?

NikiBabe · 10/08/2017 16:34

When I was 31 I thought time wasnt on my side.

Now Im 39 and still single.

InDubiousBattle · 10/08/2017 22:46

There is nothing for me, not the money or the loss of freedom or the missing my 'old life' that is worse than The Fear that comes with being a parent. Yes, the worry is more. I have always imagined that my dad's era of parenting is the best, the one where we make him dinner, buy him a pint and furnish him with grandchildren buy only last month he said to me "I'm really worried about your sister.......". My sister is nearly 50! It never ends!

Blueskyrain · 11/08/2017 14:45

I didn't want children. My husband did. We decided to have one despite me not being broody in the slightest.

Our daughter was born a couple of months ago, and it was the best gamble we've ever made. We share the care equally, which I think helps, but the way I viewed it was that we could do parenting our way.

We are only a couple of months in, and I anticipate it will get more difficult, but I still sleep, I still see friends, I still have time to myself I still have long bubble baths, and thanks to helpful parents who love having her for an afternoon a week already, we still spend time together as a couple. Life has changed hugely. You have to become less selfish and you have less time to do nothing, but with me, it feels totally worth it, because I get to spend time with a funny little person.

I think k the early days experience can vary a lot depending on the temperament of your baby, you, your partner etc, but whilst you may find it difficult, you may also take to it like a duck to water. I found that although I previously hadn't wanted parenthood, I absolutely love it and I've really not found it they hard as yet (early days though...). People always talk about the negatives, but personally, I'm having an absolutely ball!!

ladystarkers · 11/08/2017 14:51

You can't reverse it. So no I wouldn't. Also you may have 9 or so years of fertility left or more!

Bosabosa · 11/08/2017 15:18

I was v similar to you at 31 and at 36 I had my now toddler. I love it, I love her, it's wonderful.
I have given up career and to be honest was getting very bored of it so the timing worked.
I am lucky I have lots of support. Would be a lot harder without it and very lonely I suspect.
Tough days definitely happen (norovirus when looking after a baby anyone??) but they are few and far between.
I don't like the vulnerability of not earning my own money though-that takes some time to adjust to.
i found as soon as I married my stance of 'not sure I really want kids' changed to 'yes please!'
Only having one child though, it really is hard (wonderful )work and I don't know how people do it with more than one.

crazychemist · 12/08/2017 18:53

I'd say wait. There is still a lot of time to make the decision. Having a baby changes your life hugely. If you're really happy with how you spend your time now, then now isn't the time to have a baby. You may or may not find later that those things aren't as satisfying to you any more and you and DP may find having a child more attractive then. Don't spoil what you currently have if it makes you happy.
Also, what I find hardest with my DD (11mo) is looking after her alone. My DP is often very busy, always has been. This was never a problem before as I was also very busy. But with him out/away a lot of the time, I do a lot of parenting alone, and that is harder than I ever realised - you feel that you need to be interacting a lot and doing lots of educational things, but a baby is not a great conversationalist! It is also wreaking havoc on my house, which I find quite upsetting. I don't regret having my daughter as I know this part (DH being away so much) is fairly short term, but if your DP isn't sure yet, you might well get saddled with an awful lot of childcare even if he has the best intentions.

Original poster

dw4518 · 13/08/2017 10:23

Thanks for everyone's replies, I think I am leaning towards not having a child for the foreseeable future. If I do feel like it later I will reconsider. Having told my parents over the weekend they are not too pleased with it lol

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 13/08/2017 23:54

I think you're doing exactly the right thing op.

Jjpeston · 14/08/2017 00:05

The others are right with the time you have - you have at least 10 years really to decide. But...you should do it!! You say you really enjoyed seeing your baby brother grow up - that's a sign to me that you're a nurturing type. I had a baby at 38, and it was, along with starting a business the best thing I ever did. Oh, and I started the biz the year before - and I still have lots of energy and patience. You can be a biologically young or at least very energetic older mum. Don't get swept into the 'shit I'm getting old to have a baby' media myth - honestly, sit on the decision for a while, and then go for it (!). Good luck! X

Jjpeston · 14/08/2017 00:09

That's a bit harsh! If she says she enjoyed seeing her baby brother grow up - and she feels like she'd be a good mum then I think those are signs that she's a mother type!

AnneofGreenGablesAgain · 14/08/2017 00:20

Definitely the right decision not to for the foreseeable future if you don't really want to.

Having any baby is hard work despite all the positives even when you are desperate to become a mother.

Having a child with SN or severe LDs (we have both in our family) is not something that requires the resources of normal parenthood but very deep reserves of patience, physical stamina and psychological strength. No one can ever be sure they won't be the family who have a child needing extra help and this is another important reason not to get pg if you feel you can't step up to that.

insurmuntable · 14/08/2017 00:36

Not sure if this will help but I thought i'd just add my bit here because I remember being worried about regretting not having kids.

I always assumed I'd be a mum and like you I thought I'd enjoy it, be reasonably good at it etc. Didn't meet dh until I was 38 and he wasn't super into the idea of kids but could possibly have been convinced. Anyway, we have carried on pootling about and never got around to it (and I'm almost 50 now).

Every day I feel good about our decision. We're close and really enjoy our uninterrupted time together. I am an introvert and I think I'd struggle with the constant noise and activity of kids, and dh works long hours, so that would have been me on my own a lot with children and little time for the two of us. If we'd made a different decision I'm sure that would have been fine too, but we are happy as we are.

I think I always wanted kids but not enough to really make the commitment iyswim. So you can want to have children in theory but still be happy without them is what I mean.

I should add that my mum, who adores me and supports me and really really wanted kids etc actually told me that motherhood is not what it is cracked up to be! So that gave me pause for thought. (When I was about 40 she did a 180 and told me I should get my skates on, but I think she was worried I'd regret not having kids. I said 'What if I regret having them? That's worse!')

calzone · 14/08/2017 10:29

Just remember those cute little babies turn into teenagers with attitude.

Just saying.

Ecclesiastes · 14/08/2017 10:36

Regret not having a child - only you suffer.
Regret having a child - you AND your child suffer.

Don't do it, OP. Please.

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