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Parenting

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Original poster

Could someone explain this to an expectant mum?

56 replies

EssentialHummus · 06/08/2017 19:02

First off: I'd really rather this didn't turn into "ha ha ha wait til it's your turn, we'll see what a great parent you are then" - I'm asking because I genuinely want to understand this, not to criticise anyone's parenting. I've no idea what I'll do in practice.

I'm very pregnant and attend an antenatal club. A few women there who already have older children were describing the tears/tantrums their DC had over very minor things ("I cut his toast the wrong way" etc).

In each case the mums were then genuinely upset that they'd (in the example above) run out of bread so couldn't re-do it.

I found myself thinking that if I was faced with this situation right now, my attitude would be, There's the toast, eat it or don't, and if you want to tantrum be my guest.

So - if you've found yourself in a similar situation, how do you react and why, assuming the child in question is neurotypical? It's been playing on my mind since Friday and I'd love to hear from others.

OP posts:

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Supermagicsmile · 06/08/2017 19:04

I think everyone has a different attitude. I believe in boundaries and sticking to my guns so I am very much in the 'there's your toast, like it or lump it' camp.

PinkHeart5911 · 06/08/2017 19:05

Becuase when you've got a child screaming becuase the toast is wrong, sometimes as a parent you do things to make your life easier and if that means making more toast you just do it.

As a parent you have to learn to pick your battles......

ineedamoreadultieradult · 06/08/2017 19:06

I would say it depends what else is going on. When mine were that age if I was trying to get out of the house to go to work, I was already late, I didn't need the hassle etc I would just make them more toast as sometimes you have bigger things to worry about. If I was in a calm place, no where to get to in a hurry, not somewhere where a tantrum would inconvenience others I.e. a hotel breakfast buffet I would stick to my guns in a 'eat the toast or don't but I'm not making anymore' kind of a way.

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coldcanary · 06/08/2017 19:06

at first it's easy to take it personally and get upset - because of course you must be doing something dreadful if they're having a snot flinging tantrum about and apple being cut into too many pieces right? thanks DS
Then tbh I started to find it funny when the penny dropped and I realised that sometimes the little buggers just want to find something to get the screaming meemies about - upsetting yourself is pointless, better to start a thread on here and read other people's stories as well!

NotPennysBoat · 06/08/2017 19:09

IME you do it once, you end up doing it for years! "I don't want the yellow cup, I want the red one!"
You might think it's easier just to give them what they want, in fact it's easier in the long run to teach them that tantrums and screaming don't pay off.

IWantACheeseburger · 06/08/2017 19:09

I think the phrase "pick your battles" might be relevant OP.
Sometimes it's just easier to do it again rather than have a full on tantrum over something that's not particularly important (to you I mean, obviously the fact it's a blue plate not a yellow one is a disaster to a 2 year old!)
If they've had what feels like a million tantrums already that day, unless it's actually dangerous or crucial to your day sometimes it's easier to just fix whatever is upsetting them.

Phosphorus · 06/08/2017 19:10

If I'd lived in the middle of nowhere, I'd have left them to it.

Unfortunately, I live in a city, with neighbours.

If they'd called SS, my child would have suffered greatly through the intrusion, so I gave in.

Fuck me, for putting my child's long term welfare first.

putdownyourphone · 06/08/2017 19:11

Yes I thought like you, but the problem is that once you're sleep deprived and just want a bit of peace, sometime you'll do anything to get it. My DD started throwing tantrums at 1 if she didn't get her own way, I am genuinely concerned that because I keep giving in the tantrums are just going to get worse. I always mean to stick to my guns but she's a twin, so while I'm trying to look after them both it's hard to have one screaming and crying.

Any tips would be appreciated!

Mayhemmumma · 06/08/2017 19:12

Yeah sticking your ground is fine. But when you have a howling toddler and a baby and a million and one other things to do, sometimes it's just more peaceful to give the toddler the red cup or whatever.

Also don't be too strong on this stuff. Tantrums and expressing their wants in unreasonable ways is also the beginning to learn negotiating and fairness. Sometimes you can cut the toast in triangles, they learn they can get their way but they can also learn to ask nicely and to help and to understand sometimes things don't go their way - I.e the breads all used up. If they only ever here like it or lump it they'll only get more frustrated imo.

Iwannasnack · 06/08/2017 19:13

Yup it's picking your battles. When you've already had a stand off over what clothes to wear, which seat to sit in, which plate to use sometimes you have to take the path of least resistance. Especially if you actually have to be out the door on time for something or are also trying to sort out other DCs

pinkpantsrock · 06/08/2017 19:16

HAHAHAHAHA you need to pick your battles!

There are days when if it's a choice of remaking a sandwich/cutting cheese or peeling grapes for quite life vs an epic making themselves sick crying for half hour whilst i'm running on zero sleep, i know which one i pick!!!

You also have to remember that at any young age their hormones are all over the place and they just don't understand how to control them, if your little one is having tired day/teeth hurting/growing pains/anything the smallest thing can set them off and there's no bringing them back.

Is it really worth putting them into the phatmon zone for sake of peice of remained something? erh.... no

i'm not saying give in to everything and there are days when i refuse to remake something but all roads lead back to picking the right battle!!

SleepFreeZone · 06/08/2017 19:16

My nchild had never tantrumed about how his toast is cut (he has about a myriad of other things though 🙄).

Everyone parents differently. I'm quite strict and nowadays I will say my eldest can take or leave his dinner. When he was a tiny boy though I would have probably tried a lot harder to get food down him abdvif that meant cutting his toast a certain way then so be it.

Digestive28 · 06/08/2017 19:17

Because you are exhausted and you make decisions Over what's worth fihghting about. And also, modelling that it is ok to be kind to others and have some give and take in life rather than always followings rules just to make a point

glitterglitters · 06/08/2017 19:19

It's hard to explain but toddlers and logic are not well acquainted.

I agree it's a case of "well... tough" but there's nothing more upsetting/confusing/frustrating than your own child crying. You'll do anything to prevent that noise

Lules · 06/08/2017 19:22

Yes pick your battles but also in some cases it's naughtiness but in others it's because they are completely overwhelmed, genuinely upset and don't have the language to explain. E.g. earlier I was playing with my almost 2 year old and I couldn't work out what he wanted me to do and he couldn't explain.

In your example I wouldn't be upset that I didn't have any more toast but I would try to cut the existing toast into different shapes because it makes absolutely no difference to me what shape the toast is in. But if it was dangerous or something he knew he shouldn't do I wouldn't give in.

NerrSnerr · 06/08/2017 19:22

Sometimes life is too short to argue with a tired two year old about toast.

PerspicaciaTick · 06/08/2017 19:23

My inclination was always to ignore tantrums. With DC1 this approach worked beautifully as she never tantrummed. With DC2 I discovered that his ability to find multiple tantrums triggers all day, every day meant I needed to pick my battles. Tantrums leave everyone involved feeling fragile...making further tantrums more likely later in the day as everyone gets tired..so sometimes it was expedient to do whatever was necessary to end the tantrum quickly and move on with our day.

On the plus side, the pleasure I got from seeing DC2 happy and relaxed (instead of anxious and upset) meant that it was sometimes worth doing something vaguely ridiculous and unnecessary just to put that smile on his face.

Monstamio · 06/08/2017 19:24

When it comes to food, not eating can affect bedtime. So while I usually stand my ground on stuff like this, if it's supper time I would rather be played a bit by my two year old than deal with a hungry middle of the night wake up. But if it became a regular thing you'd have to nip it in the bud.

NoTractorsAtTheTable · 06/08/2017 19:33

I can totally understand the parents you were with being upset about not being able to "fix" the issue. Sometimes it is genuinely gutting not to have something as simple as an extra couple of slices of bread, when you know that would stop the tears and carry-on straight away...compared to when they are screaming about having a nose , or a shadow following them, or some other crap that you can do fuck all about.

As pp have said, you pick your battles, and sometimes it's better all round to have a quick fix

Original poster

EssentialHummus · 06/08/2017 19:45

modelling that it is ok to be kind to others and have some give and take in life rather than always followings rules just to make a point

This is really interesting - I'm absolutely the sort of person who would follow rules "just because". I'm not proud of it, but I know I do it a lot.

OP posts:

user1499786242 · 06/08/2017 19:45

I used to think I wouldn't give in etc
But my toddler is 2 and still wakes up every two hours.. so you can imagine what that does to ones brain
If I'm in a good mood, having a good day/week then yes I can be tough and deal with the tantrum, giggle to myself and move on
But if it's been a particularly bad day (teething, illness, bad night, have a million chores to do)
Then sometimes it is genuinely easier to just give In!
Example.. little one wanted an orange, my partner peeled and cut an orange for him... nope he wanted the one from the fruit bowl... after 5 minutes of hysterical and I mean hysterical screaming, throwing himself around, we were trying to cook tea, I was balls deep sorting a load of washing so yes... I got the new orange and straight away he smiled and walked away
Now I know that was wrong, and he's learning a tantrum means his own way but I honestly thought me or my partner were ganna end up crying or something!
And also depends on the child! Some kids are more chilled in general!
We also live in a terraced house and I very much take this into consideration..
We are moving to a detached house in the near future mainly because I'm sick of stressing about the amount of noise we make as a family .. tantrums included

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2017 20:07

When my kids were little, I never gave into any tantrums or impolite behaviour because I think it forms bad habits and encourages unacceptable behaviour. For example, if my son went off about how I cut a sandwich, I would never have made a new one. I would have told him that I will do it the other way next time as I will not waste food, and he needs to ask politely.

As for issues like the color of their cup, for example, if they asked me nicely if they could use a blue cup instead of a red one, I would happily oblige.

I think some parents give in to tantrums because it's easier at the moment, but it really doesn't do the child any favors and makes things worse in the long term. If a child knows they can kick off and get their way, they'll tantrum any time they want something.

trilbydoll · 06/08/2017 20:14

There is a middle ground. Reinforcing that DD didn't ask for her toast in triangles before I made it so I couldn't have possibly known. Getting her to take some deep breaths and ask calmly for different toast. Then she's happy she's got the right toast and I haven't given in to the banshee screaming. Obviously depends on how far gone the tantrum is and how good the child's understanding is!

Lenl · 06/08/2017 20:22

It is a case of picking battles. Sometimes it's not worth the fuss and also like someone else said it's ok to give and take a bit sometimes. Letting toddlers feel they have some control helps a surprising amount. By this I mean giving them choice so you are ultimately still in control eg Do you want your toast in triangles or squares? Do you want red socks or blue socks? Etc.

It also depends what else is going on. My son has just turned 2 and I have a 6 week old baby. On days the baby is more demanding of my time, my 2 year old is more likely to tantrum over what to me are silly things. But it's clear sometimes he's really crying because he is struggling with my attention now being divided. Coldly telling him to like it or lump it won't help in that circumstance. He generally wants a cuddle really, or if it's something like toast shapes then I just do it how he wants to let him feel listened to.

Sleep deprivation is also a killer and sometimes you'd cut off you're own hand to make the screaming noise stop. Then putting more bread in the toaster feels like a win

Lenl · 06/08/2017 20:23

Your* because incorrect use of you're and your is beyond annoying. Apologies

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