I smacked my 4 year old and I need to help her through it.

[BlackberrySad]

Before someone says actually you hit her, I'll get in and say yes I did but I didn't want the title to be too provoking.

I think smack is a watered down word parents use to justify themselves.

I feel sick and ashamed and awful and all I'm looking for is a way to discuss what happened with her and for her to know I did something very wrong. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet not to. E mentioned and I want to check she's really ok without going overboard. She's asleep now and I said sorry a million times before she went back to bed.

Why did you hit her?

It's good you recognise that it was wrong, however I think you need help not to get there again as much as she needs help to get through it.
I think I would have a calm chat in the morning, promise her sincerely that you won't do it again, reassure her that you love her, and seek some help for alternative ways of managing your own emotions. It's brave to stand up and admit it. Make sure it's a one time only event.

I did it because I lost my temper after she kept coming downstairs at bedtime. I'd started internalising my anger by hitting my self of head butting doors (out of site from her) and then when I broke down and started crying she was laughing at me but I think because she was scared, not because she found it funny. I grabbed her by her shoulders on the stairs and then when she refused to go up I hit her thigh. Not enough to leave a mark but that's not really the point.

Before we get too far into the thread, it might be helpful if you clarify what exactly you did? I think advice might vary hugely on that basis. But it is a really positive thing that you are posting for support and that you've recognised it's not a helpful way to parent.

Ok firstly we have all been there and been really stressed with our kids. It is not, however, normal behaviour to head butt walls. Is this a normal reaction?

X-posted with you there, sorry. You sound worn down. Do you have any support?

Yes the hitting your head on a wall is more worrying in a way than slapping your DD.

Why was her coming downstairs making you so angry you were headbutting walls - that sounds at least equally worrying to me

I hit her on her thigh but I'd been acting in what was probably a weird and scary way before that because I'd lost it since about 5pm ish but kept it inside. I feel like I've just lost control of myself tonight.

My DT's are dreadful at bedtime and I have been angry with them in the past out of sheer frustration and exhaustion - they are 15 now and things are a lot more relaxed bizarrely.

Massive x post!

I have my own mh issues which I thought were under control but clearly not tonight. I used to hit myself and headbut walls regularly but not so much this year. I feel like my mh is turning again. I really don't let her see it but she may hear it.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Please don't hit yourself. You are just as precious. Have you thought about reiki healing or therapy?

isthis I'd had a day of trying to gently train her out of her more angry behaviours and calmly sat through two lots of 1 hour tantrums she had and couldn't wait for her to go to sleep so I could run a bath and breath out for the first time today.

None of what I'm typing excuses what I did. I'm just answering questions.

Well, it's good that you are acknowledging what happened and not minimising it. You have already apologised and are seeking help/advice here.

I think the key thing isn't so much how you talk to your DD about it, but how you stop it from happening again. Firstly, you sound like you need a break. Can you get someone else to look after DD for a bit?

Hitting myself gives me a sort of pressure relief. It's embarrassing but it stops me from hitting the roof.

Are your MH issues being addressed? It may be worth seeing your GP or a counsellor. I know when I was at my worst with pnd I had virtually no patience and really struggled with my DDs, medication and counselling both helped me.

I've got good support and my dh and mum will be with us at different times over the next few days. I just want to not let this scare her or break our mum:daughter relationship. I feel so sad for her. She must have felt so confused and sad

I using a herbal remedy called H3tp. I didn't like the medical SSRIs.

I've been so well and life is so good I don't want this to be the start of a bad mh period. I've tried so hard (till now) to shield her from that.

Jesus, it's horrible that a child should be living in an environment that her mum does such aggressive things like hitting and headbutting.

None of it is ok.

Does your child have another adult in the house (your DP) to talk to about this? She should not be expected to talk to you about it, but should be able to talk to someone she trusts.

Whathelp have you got for your mental health? You really need to address this.

You shouldn't internalise your anger - you need to let it out calmly, which is easier said than done. You also need to adjust how you react to your dd's behaviour. Getting angry is a choice - but again it's very difficult to choose not to get angry when that's your normal response and you feel, somehow, it is the correct way to respond. If you turn it into a power struggle between you and your dd, you get nowhere. You're the adult andalways have more power even if you feel out of control.

You might need to look again at how you parent your dd. Training her out of angry behaviours implies that you don't think she should get angry? Anger is a normal emotion - it's what you do with it and how you express it which is key. An hour long tantrum is very long. I would be looking to anticipate and therefore avoid them and teach your dd how to express herself.

So, in short you need to get the right support for you and the right parenting guidance. I read a great book called calm parents, happy children. Made me realise that a lot of my anger towards my children was about me worrying they'd turn out bad and it would reflect badly on me.

This one incident will NOT have an on going effect on her. She most likely will forget about it really quickly. Try not to worry too much about that, but do use your current feelings to make yourself get help. One incident won't affect her but you don't want her to grow up with her mum losing her temper and lashing out, even if you're self-harming rather than turning your frustration outwards.

FATEdestiny not particularly helpful or supportive there....

Thanks believe* I'll get into amazon for the book.

I think you urgently need support for yourself and if you dd behaviour is similar with other people maybe she also needs to learn some coping techniques for her own anger esp so shr sees healthy ways to cope.