I smacked my 4 year old and I need to help her through it.

[BlackberrySad]

Before someone says actually you hit her, I'll get in and say yes I did but I didn't want the title to be too provoking.

I think smack is a watered down word parents use to justify themselves.

I feel sick and ashamed and awful and all I'm looking for is a way to discuss what happened with her and for her to know I did something very wrong. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet not to. E mentioned and I want to check she's really ok without going overboard. She's asleep now and I said sorry a million times before she went back to bed.

Another book recommendation is Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting. It has some good tips to try that can help you notice and respond to the positive behaviour more.

Depends if you set the mother of child as central priority DoTheFandango

My safeguarding training will always have me prioritising the child over the adult as an initial responce. I will not apologise if that is distasteful to you.

OP clearly needs help. This does not negate the minor as the priority.

Thanks for the book recommendations.

or* child...

I smacked DS on the thigh when he was 8 and was repeatedly attacking me a bedtime and had been for most of the day. Complicated back story as he is adopted, traumatised and often violent. I felt absolutely terrible about it and still do. I recognised that I was at the end of my tether and soon after the GP put me on citalopram and I have not felt so angry since. I totally understand how it can happen. Try not to dwell on the smack too much, focus on how you will make sure it doesn't happen again and see someone about your MH.

Do you have support from community mental health services, Blackberry? Have you ever been taught any mindfulness techniques? They can be really helpful for taking control of stressful situations.

Okay I am coming in from the slightly older generation. I utterly get what you mean about feeling dreadful after you did it, because it was to make YOU feel better, not really about punishing dd, although she was being absolutely infuriating at the time by the sound of it.

The question is more about did you say 'If you do that again I will smack you'. I have long forgiven my mum for the three serious big smacks I can remember, because I can also remember what I did to deserve them, and that she had said well before that if I did that I would get a smack. So I did it, and I got a smack. Consequences... Drawing all over the walls in felt tip, jumping out of the bedroom window, and cutting bits of my sister's hair and clothes off were all really rather naughty and I'm not surprised Ma was cross.

Op in the nicest way no what you did not wasn't nice, and I dont condone hitting at all.but when I was four and a beast to dear mum she hit me a few times with a hair brush..it's not affected me. You sound like you have had such a tough day. My four year old is pushing me to the limits too. I find it far worse than terrible two. You seem like a very aware and emotionallly connected parent, and a very loving one. Don't be too hard on yourself.it was one mistake. As other pp said is there another release you can do? I am not really fit or active but I miss not doing something, it's good for brain. I hope you have a better day tonmorw the weather doesn't help either. I hope I have better day too!! Roll on five!

Fatedestiny but shaming the mother of the child when she has
a) acknowledged that things went too far
b) has asked for help
c) is trying her utmost to do the best for her child
is not helpful nor supportive. You are not at work. This a forum where someone has asked for support and advice, not a lecture. It seems to me that the OP is well aware that what happened was not ok.

I only remember one time when my mum smacked me as a child. I'm not sure if it's because it was the only time or because she was so horrified and apologetic.

I was being a right dickhead. I was 6/7 and was holding the front door shut so she couldn't get in. She got her arm in and flailed around and blindly caught me in the face. It was a hefty wallop that left a handprint on my face. I remember even at the time knowing I was in the wrong. I also remember milking it for about ten years.

Forgotten my point as I waffle, but I think it's that I forgave her immediately, but because I knew she felt so awful I didn't let her forget it.

I smacked DD's bum 3 times in 5 years. It was only warranted one of those times to be honest,the other two were me losing it. She doesn't remember any of it and our relationship is great.

I do think you need help though because you sound very overwhelmed,either by the situation or your MH, most likely a mix of both.
It's not healthy to get to a point where you need to harm yourself in order to calm down or avoid blowing out.
Please see your GP and talk about this. Odds are you will be a lot better equipped to deal with your daughter if you are in a good place yourself.

Helping the parent will help the child, in the same way we are told to put our own oxygen masks on before our children's if there's an emergency on a plane. I'd hope social workers would assist parents to be the best parents before a child is considered in real danger.

I was hit a lot as a child, as was DH who's parents still encourage us to hit our kids.

OP - your DD's behaviour sounds challenging and it could help to reach out for support - school or the Heath visitors could sign post. My eldest was similar and is now diagnosed with SN, I barely survived the early years and it's still tough at seven.

Thanks for the suggestions. I need help.

I just want to go and sleep next to her now and make things better. She didn't 'deserve' it. It was just me being angry and crying and I full loss of self control. I had allocated 'me time' after a shitty day and couldn't handle it when she was still awake and demanding attention during me time. There is no justifiying it.

Jesus Christ, some people really are just sanctimonious arseholes aren't they?

OP, please ignore some of the, um, less supportive posts on this thread. You have acknowledged that you massively fucked up, and as others have said, in no way have you ruined your relationship with your daughter based on this one incident. Most people of our generation have a 'i remember when my mum smacked me because.....' story and are perfectly fine

However, the headbutting the wall in addition to the smacking does sound a bit concerning and perhaps a trip to your GP would be a good idea?

I had allocated 'me time' after a shitty day and couldn't handle it when she was still awake and demanding attention during me time.

Oh man, sometimes parenting is really shit isn't it.

Sorry my last post doesn't read very well, it's supposed to be supportive!

No-one here is condoning the OP hitting her 4 year old DoTheFandango, including me. Re-read my post.

I wrote one paragraph that being agressive (not just hitting) is not ok. Factual and indisputable. Then one paragraph putting the needs of the child first:

Does your child have another adult in the house (your DP) to talk to about this? She should not be expected to talk to you about it, but should be able to talk to someone she trusts.

There is nothing inflammatory about that. The only thing I can see you could take offense to is my initial word, "Jesus...". It was an expression of shock. I could have missed it out from the post. The shock that got me to write it was genuine and not inflammatory.

The childs need to adequately deal with this odd and agressive behaviour should come first.

@BlackberrySad apologise to her,explain what happened in terms she can understand,promise it won't happen again and move on. The more fuss you make the more significant this event will become to her.

For example I'd tell dd something like " x i am really sorry. Mummy had a bad day and got really cross. That is not ok though and it's not your fault,it's my fault.I love you."

It's not necessarily a bad thing for kids to know that parents aren't perfect,they do have bad days and they do have their limits too.

I just want to go and sleep next to her now

Perhaps your daughters Dad could go and sleep next to her tonight? I'm In the gentlest possible way, you need to stop putting your own needs above your child's.

Oh, you poor thing, OP, it sounds like you were absolutely at the end of your tether.

I too sometimes hit things when I'm angry (usually my hand/arm against the wall, sometimes my fist against my body / head) -- it upsets me that I do it; I've been getting some counselling which has helped a lot.

I've smacked my 4 year old maybe 5 times in the whole of her life -- always when I've snapped and lost my temper. Never hard.

Like you, I feel terrible afterwards.

Go easy on yourself. I wouldn't bring it up with her tomorrow unless she talks about it first -- otherwise you risk making it a bigger deal to her than it actually is (from her perspective).

When my DD has brought up "when Mummy smacked my leg..." or something, I'll say that I'm sorry I did it, it was wrong of me, and that "we don't hit in our house".

(She and DS, age 2, hit me and one another sometimes, so we try to frame this in a context of a family rule to not hit.)

I think there's a vast difference between a one-off smack and using smacking / spanking as a disciplinary tool. You sound like a loving mum going through a very difficult day.

Give her lots of cuddles tomorrow, try to have some nice times together, and do get all the support and love you can have for yourself. I completely understand how the hitting yourself is a pressure release it is for me too but you can get on top of it and find healthier ways.

I also totally get how incredibly tough it can be to be denied some time to yourself when you desperately need it and have been looking forward to it.

Something I've found REALLY helpful in recent weeks is the idea of "self-compassion" -- if you Google it, you'll find some practical tips.

Sending hugs.

You clearly aren't well. Are you under the crisis team? If not see your GP ASAP.

OP I would suggest you seek help from MH professionals. It would be a shame for your child to mimic your head banging on the walls

A smack will do no lasting harm. It's not ideal but not the end of the world. The issue is your mental health and that needs addressing.

I'm not under any mh services at the moment. I've always been at the milder end so it's been managed by myself or the gp prescribing ssri and talking therapy.

Today was a bad day and I've got no idea why. Thanks for all the helpful comments. I will not let this happen again.

This is not the milder end. Milder end doesn't involve self harm to cope with your feeling.
Seek RL help from MH professionals. ASAP.