Thinking about having a Baby, now terrified after talking to a new mum.

[Vonni1]

Hi,

I know this is probably totally normal, but my husband and I have been talking about having a baby, even to the point where I am planning on coming off the pill at the end of this packet. Just spoke to someone at work to get some advise, her baby is 18 months old. I'm now terrified! It sounds scary, more than I thought it would be. I asked her if there were any positives and didn't get a lot. Was just told about the lack of sleep, your never alone again, no time for you, can't go out...

To be honest I know this, but assumed that there would be some positives and now all I can think is, 'Christ, how on earth will I cope in a life like that!' My husband and I have a very strong relationship and he has agreed with me on having a baby, he's not the type of guy to do something just to keep me happy, but I'm terrified that the changes will be too much for us.

Any words of advice or support would be appreciated, starting to doubt the decision i'd made now. Assumed that it would be worth it.. all the negatives.

thanks all.

Becoming a mother is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done, BUT (and I realise this sounds clichéd) it is also the most rewarding!

I can't imagine life without my 2yo DD, every day she makes me laugh and I am already so proud of the person she is becoming.

Every parent has good and bad moments, and parenting is a bit non stop, but for me the gains have MASSIVELY outweighed any down sides.

I say if you both want children and agree that now is a good time, then go for it. I find people are a lot less likely to talk about the good stuff as everyone likes a good moan!

It's difficult to get the positives across without sounding a bit vague. For sure your life changes completely.

Not everybody loves it and opinions on each phase vary. I have in my time been quite negative about parenthood but I have to say i had more belly laughs in my son's first three years than in the five years prior to that. It takes everything you have, but you also want to give it everything!

It is hard. It's soooooo hard. I think some people take to it more naturally than others. I was CONVINCED I'd be a natural but alas it was not to be. I've had a few moments where I've thought god I can't do this. But I can. Sleepless nights are hard but they don't last forever. You can make time for yourself. You can make time to be alone with your partner. I was much much happier when ds got into a reliable bed time routine and we had full evenings alone. I don't think you can pre empt how things will go until you do them. You might have the best sleeper in the world or the worst. You might absolutely love being at home and become a SAHM, or hate it and go back to work.

There if never a perfect time so if you're both in agreement I would go for it to be honest!

I think all children are different, some are harder work than others. My ds was a dream as a baby, so easy. Even the terrible 2's weren't that terrible. He's 3 now and I have to say this is the hardest time. Every day is a battle of tantrums and disobedience. I still love him to bits though, he's also funny, kind and cuddly.

I also think some women are more able to cope than others.

I honestly don't think you can gauge your decision on the experience of one mother. Or even several mothers. Think of all the reasons you want to have a child, that will still all be true, you just have to experience it yourself.

You may surprise yourself with which bits you find easy and which you find hard.

I did not enjoy giving birth, and I quite literally could not sit down straight for a month.

The time with my new son, however, was not negative at all. I breastfed and co-slept, so I did not lack sleep after he figured out that the boobs were just there. He didn't do much in the early days, or require much more than cuddles, feeding, changing etc.

Until he was about 1.5, never being alone again was actually a positive. No need to stare intently at your phone or pretend you are waiting for someone when having a coffee - you are there with the baby. Feel like a long walk to shift some pregnancy pounds? Walk to the supermarket and use the pushchair basket.

It is a bit annoying when you want a poo and a three year old wants to be in the room with you, but they do get over that.

I am not shitting myself with excitement every day, but I definitely don't feel like my son has negatively impacted my life. I'm even in the process of having a second now.

Don't let your colleague put you off. She sounds like a negative person.

It is hard. But what you don't realise until you have the baby is how much you will love them, how much fun they will be, how interesting to you this little person is, and that only increases with time. And for me that more than balances out the negatives.

Hi All,

thank you so much for your advice and quick responses. It was really nice to see the support.

I suppose you are right, I can't gauge how it would be from one mother's experience. And there has to be positives otherwise why would anyone do it.

It's just that for the last 15 years it been just my husband and I, so this would be a massive change. But when we talk about it together I feel excited as-well as terrified.

I just had a total freak out and needed some support so thank you all for that, really appreciate it. :-)

It is really hard and all of those things she's said are true. Your life changes completely but it is brilliant and rewarding too and for most people the good parts vastly outweigh the bad. Different stages are tough for different people, your friend might be finding it really hard at the moment. Its really impossible to know what to expect until you have a child of your own, so i think most people go into it slightly blind. I wouldn't be put off but i would say if you're young there is no rush. I was married for 7 years before having dd and really glad I waited even though i was still relatively young(30).

The thing about babies is that they are incredibly hard work. The second thing about babies is that they don't stay babies. Your workmate has listed all the negatives but hasn't countered them with any highlights. Like when your baby grins at you, or the feeling you get watching them sleep, or those first few faltering steps, or when they present you with a painting done at nursery with their face full of pride. Or their utter delight at everything new, including infant siblings.

I'm not a baby person, but I love my kids. my youngest are teens now, my eldest has three kids of her own. They can still be hard work but almost every day one of them will make me smile, or laugh, or beam with pride, give me a good conversation or say something that blows me away. The rewards of parenting aren't always tangible, but they are there.

Thank you again,

My friend did say that her son had been ill the past week so it probably wasn't the best time to ask her about it all, had had a bad time.

I'm feeling a little calmer now thank you, I'm 31 now and we've been married 4 years. And we have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves over past years with holidays and socializing so I won't feel like I've missed out on any of that.

I'm a total planner and I suggested to my husband that we wait until the new year after his sisters wedding but he pointed out that there would never be a good time, or a time i didn't have a event i could drink at so we might as well just crack on. He's a good man so i know i'll have support.

thanks again all, really appreciate the advise.

I'm very introverted, and found the 12-18 months stage hardest because that was when DS was most demanding. He's always been a great boy, just at that age they're starting to walk and so need to be rescued every now and then. It may be that your work friend is just at that stage and has forgotten the earlier, easier, stage, and doesn't know she'll soon be at a better stage too.

Honestly, it's not that bad. Would you have any help? I found that having my mum to come once a week to take DS out for a walk was brilliant, or just to be in the house to share the load (he was breastfed, so I couldn't go far). If you go to baby groups too, you might make some good friends and can exchange minding duties (i.e. She comes to your house to watch your child and hers while you drink tea in peace or read a book or whatever, and then vice versa.

Someone said to me before having a baby, that it was the most difficult, hard, rewarding, amazing thing. That you would get this love that you could never even imagine. I never really understood it until I became a Mother myself. My child is 14months old and was never ever easy.

Yes you have less freedom, but I met a great group of Mums and so I get to go out in the evenings, nights out, gym etc. Time together with my husband is less now but when we get it, we really really enjoy it! It has been amazing having family days out, watching him grow and learn. I just wouldn't change it for the world and as tough as it can be, the positives outweight any negatives a million times over.

The thing is though,is that you are basing your decision on the views of a person at the most crushing exhausting points of parenting.

It would be like asking someone about the joy of working in retail on Black Friday.

I wouldn't say it was "sooooo hard" but it's definitely not easy. It is true that you don't have time to yourself etc but I have to say I wouldn't have it any other way now - it's just a different way of life which you will adjust to. We had the afternoon to ourselves at the weekend and I didn't actually know what to do with myself!

Hey,

I would have help, both of the parents are very close, as is my husbands sister so we wouldn't be left on our own. And agreed that my friend is at that tough time, (I really like the black friday idea, makes complete sense).

I just imagine this little person we'd create (although not too little as both my husband and I are very tall) and it excites me. And I do like to socialise and would definitely be up for meeting other mums at baby groups. Is that easy enough to do? I live in the UK so is this something that you get details about through your maternity care?

Definitely feeling less panicked now, it's good to talk :-). And sending positive vibes to you all and your little bundles of joy.

Thing is OP, although parenting is relentless and terrible, most people go on to have a second. Despite knowing exactly what they are in for.

Many go for a third and some even more.

Some people even have IVF to have a second. Some people are unable to concieve a second, and post here about their grief about secondary infertility.

So there must be something in it. In fact I bet 1-2 years from now your friend will announce with happiness "I'm pregnant again!".

Ok, I don't have dc but I have spoken to my DM about this. She would be honest with me. She just does not recognise the negative descriptions of parenthood that you often hear. Even though she had a difficult time with her first in terms of medical complications, crying all night, etc she says she was on cloud nine the whole time we were babies and little children. The idea that it was terrible in any way would be bizarre to her. I will say that she did not have to balance parenting with work as she was a SAHM and that probably made a difference.

My nearly 4 year old DS is stubborn, opinionated, wilful, noisy, a fussy eater and deliberately disobedient. He is also handsome, incredibly funny, good with Lego, more imaginative than most adults I know, confident and hugely, hugely grave and adventurous. I love him FIERCELY.

10 month old DD is a total pest, getting into the bin, chewing my slippers, biting my toes, waking at ridiculous unpredictable hours of the night, refusing to nap and demanding feeds. She is also cheeky, almost as funny as her brother, clever, persistent, observant and she has the most amazing chuckle I have ever heard. Her thighs are as munchable as roast chicken.

By my reckoning parenting small children is about 80% wiping things, 10% muttering yelling FFS why have you done that?! and 10% pure, unadulterated happiness. Even after the worst day I could creep into their rooms and watch their beautiful faces as they sleep.

It is the hardest, most difficult, most thankless, easiest, most rewarding, and most fun thing I have ever done.

Hard, because of the physical challenges of pregnancy, birth, the aftermath, sleeplessness. Difficult because there is no instruction book and you learn on the job. Thankless because your reward for, say, changing a nappy is another shitty nappy later. It has changed the relationship that dh and I have for sure, we have bickered more in the last 18 months than we ever did!

Easy, because all that is to look after ds who is the most important person in my life, and I would walk through walls for him. Rewarding because every day he does something new that I never expected, and makes me smile. Lately he's become really cuddly, he runs over and grabs me then runs off again and it's lovely (he also normally leaves a snot trail on my clothing but hey ho). Fun because I get to do all sorts of fun stuff, like going on the swings and down the slide with him, seeing him laugh, watching Hey Duggee (love Hey Duggee) and all the rest.

Basically you're signing up for no sleep, no money, a lot of poo, and an emotional rollercoaster like no other, but also plenty of laughter, cuddles, snotty kisses, teddies thrust up your nose while you're in the phone, impromptu gifts like leaves, stones, and feathers, demands for reading books and so on and so forth. I highly recommend it. But just be prepared for the downsides as well as the ups.

Hi OP, i have to say so far i have found it easy, I know we have been extremely lucky, my baby is 11m old and a joy, she is always smiling and giggling, she's confident, babbles at everyone, loves learning new things. When we get her up in a morning she has a huge grin and starts flapping her arms and kicking, best start to the day you could ask for. We started her in a routine very early so she has slept really well, my husband loves doing his share with her and because there is one of her and 2 of us we can each take a break when needed. Don't get me wrong there are tough times, we had reflux issues, but they pass and the good things outweigh the tough. As i say that grin on seeing us make everything alright :-)

I have a 13 week old - had a difficult pregnancy, baby was born prematurely and found it all harder than expected - but I wouldn't change it for the world. It's not easy but it's so worth it. The amount of love you'll feel for your baby and your enjoyment in the little things like their smiles are what gets you through the tough parts.
But nothing worth doing is ever easy and nothing in life is constantly good.

Some days it is unbelievably shite.
Other days it can be boring.
Some days will be hilariously funny.
Every day you will love the little thing so much you want to either eat them or cry. Honestly I could take chunks out of a sleeping toddler, they're so cute.

I wouldn't change it for the world, my son is now two and he is so cool, we have actual conversations and he gives great cuddles, we get to go out and do lots of fun things and I really don't think I could love anything as much as I love him or indeed nor has anyone driven me as mad as he has done!

Thanks again, all,

definitely feeling a lot more positive and excited. It just like anything isn't. Just going to go for it and take it as it comes. The next stage of our lives together.

Glad to hear so many lovely stories along with the reality.

You know we're all just making it up as we go along, right?

Go with the flow, be prepared for change and you'll be fine.

I had a straight forward pregnancy and labour. Luckily I have a happy and healthy baby. I love her so very much. It is the sheer relentlessness of it that I have found difficult. I'm constantly knackered and crave time to myself.

I still want another though