Thinking about having a Baby, now terrified after talking to a new mum.

[Vonni1]

Hi,

I know this is probably totally normal, but my husband and I have been talking about having a baby, even to the point where I am planning on coming off the pill at the end of this packet. Just spoke to someone at work to get some advise, her baby is 18 months old. I'm now terrified! It sounds scary, more than I thought it would be. I asked her if there were any positives and didn't get a lot. Was just told about the lack of sleep, your never alone again, no time for you, can't go out...

To be honest I know this, but assumed that there would be some positives and now all I can think is, 'Christ, how on earth will I cope in a life like that!' My husband and I have a very strong relationship and he has agreed with me on having a baby, he's not the type of guy to do something just to keep me happy, but I'm terrified that the changes will be too much for us.

Any words of advice or support would be appreciated, starting to doubt the decision i'd made now. Assumed that it would be worth it.. all the negatives.

thanks all.

I'll take that as a positive, thank you :-) i'll go with the flow.

Hi Mellongoose,

that sounds familiar with other stuff I've heard from Mums. Although i'm guessing the relentlessness eases are they get older and more independent?Or just a different type of relentlessness :-)

I think before I had DS, I assumed that everyone else knew what they were doing. I now realise they do not. Try to get a good group of friends who'll be honest about it, so you can talk about it when you're ready to run for the hills.

Baby groups can be great. You might get a list from your health visitor, but if not, Google should find you. They're often in community centres or church halls. Sometimes you need to try a few to find one where you feel comfortable. Once you get to know people there, they'll be able to fill you in on other things in your area.

I run a toddler group, and we have a fab group of mums who often bring bags of clothes/toys for each other, look after each other's children etc. Some groups can be cliquey, but plenty aren't!

It's human nature to moan and so it is more likely you will hear horror stories especially on mumsnet I am certain there are lots of posters on here who would say they found it a much better experience than some would have you believe but are reluctant to post because they would be accused of boasting or lying. I'm almost afraid to say this but in all honestly - my experience of the first few weeks/months with newborn babies was wonderful, amazing and the best time of our lives. I didn't like the pregnancy bit much but that was all. 2 out of my 3 labours were easy and relatively pain free.

Not everyone has bad experiences. All three of mine slept through the night from just a few weeks old. No problems with feeding (formula). No sleepless nights, no tiredness, all good stuff. 3 happy smiley babies and we loved every single minute.

My only advice is Google is not your friend. If you go looking for horror stories I guarantee you will find them. Keep an open mind, don't overthink and enjoy. Good luck :-)

I love my husband s such, we've been together since I was 16, I'm nearly 34 now. We both knew we were ready to be parents and I was excited and thought I knew what to expect.

Nothing could have prepared me for the all encompassing love I have for my little girl.

She didn't sleep through the night till she was 18 months old, we don't have a lot of family so 'dates' happen when me and DH can get a day off work together and DD is at nursery, were poor because of nursery fees ☺

I wouldn't change it for the world. I am that boring woman at work who could wax lyrical for hrs if given the chance about how wonderfully amazing my DD is.

There are days when a week of waking up every 2 hrs to change wee/vomit/poo covered sheets means I wouldn't give such a lovely take on parenting but 99% of the time its great.

I strongly advise you to only have children if your financial background is rock solid, in other words you have a lot of money, a steady income and it is likely to stay like that forever. If you can't afford a cleaner or a housekeeper, an au-pair or a nanny, you will be absolutely shattered and overwhelmed without any help and you will have no life. It is way more easy to enjoy your children and see their positive side if you are rested, your life is organised and your household sorted because you have a couple of people on your payroll who are there to help you.

Thanks again guys. I've also been in touch with a friend locally whose just had a baby boy and she reassured me also. I'm going to pop over to visit her next week to see the little man 😊. I was feeling ready to accept all the bad sides to have a family with my husband whom I adore. Then freaked out and now feeling more calm. We'd be ok! Strong together 😊

It is hard. Really, really, really hard.

I've always wanted kids, was always very maternal and was convinced that I'd be an absolute natural. Nope! It's a massive struggle.

But the positives are phenomenal. The love is overwhelming and seeing my dd grow and develop is amazing.

I disagree Guiltybystander, I have none of those things and couldn't be happier, when you are looking back at your life are you going to think "oh I'm so glad my house was tidy?" Money does help for sure but it's not everything.

It can be such a variable experience and it changes all the time. The biggest thing I have learnt is that parenting is a relationship and it does not matter what you do if your baby/toddler does not agree with your way.

We don't have anyone to baby sit and I do feel jealous of people who go out or even able to have nights away with my partner. We have a poor sleeper so we rarely get to spend alone time together which can be tricky.

Your friend may have just been having a bad day. We all have those. I had one yesterday when my toddler decided it was a 'no, no, no!' day which was hardwork but nothing compared to being overtired and refusing to go down for her nap. She was so upset and did not want cuddles or sleep which would have helped her. She did go to sleep in the end but would not let go of me so I got a cheeky nap.

If you expect to have your old life and a child who fits round that then you will be in with a shock.

Some days it is unbelievably shite.
Other days it can be boring.
Some days will be hilariously funny.
Every day you will love the little thing so much you want to either eat them or cry. Honestly I could take chunks out of a sleeping toddler, they're so cute. This!!! Totally spot on!

Your life won't ever be the same and sometimes you're so shattered that you wonder how you'll ever cope.

Being a Mother is relentless, it's not stop and it's tiring and at times I've cried...I've cried a lot!

In fact it's so awful that I've now had 4!

The rewards MASSIVELY out weigh the bad times for me.

Christ don't ask someone who is right in the thick of it! I have a 12 and 10 year old and if you asked me I would have only lovely stories as I've forgotten all the bad stuff .

Blimey guiltybystander I totally disagree with that! If everyone waited to have all that we'd be extinct pretty fast! I was 25 when I had my first, living in a rented flat, DH earned pretty badly and I couldn't afford to carry on working and afford childcare. We made it work and now our kids are older we own our own house and earn extremely well. It was a hard slog sometimes but you can't grow without hardship .

I know the done thing when these threads are posted is to come on and say ignore the doom mongers, being a mum is hard but it's the best thing ever...etc....

I don't necessarily agree with that. I dearly, dearly love my DS. I would not be without him now he's here. But if I'd known, really known, what it was going to be like beforehand, I'm not sure I'd have chosen to have a baby.

And he's not a particularly difficult kid either, it's the lack of headspace and independence I find incredibly hard.

Going to put my two pennyworth in here and say that a lot of people (I myself didn't think beyond the first 6 months) dont think beyond the baby stage. That baby becomes a toddler, which becomes a child, which becomes a pre-teen etc etc and you can never predict what happens in life along the way. Think seriously about your career (even if you are not career minded which I am not), think about how to earn money around your baby/child, this actually gets a bit harder as they get older. Luckily for me (although I have worked bloody hard at this and have been through some shit along the way), I am self-employed and luckily get free travel cause of my DH's job. Also think about what family support you have, whilst I'm the first to say that Grandparents shouldn't be unpaid baby sitters and the whole set up depends very much on distance, how close you are etc, bringing up children as a couple with no family nearby and moreover whilst experincing family difficulties can make it all extra hard. Sometimes as a parent you would quite like someone to say well done to you, not that you will ever get that very often, and sometimes you and your DH will need couple time like you wouldn't believe. This again gets harder as they get older, cause you dont get evenings so might have to work extra hard to get couple time. Sorry if all this sounds negative, but life evolves all the time and things to change for good or bad along the way, ie when you kids start to get more independent that helps, when you can travel more easily with kids in toe it gets easier etc. I'm going to contradict all of said now and say you can easily overthink all this lol x

I don't know anyone who can afford the household help guiltybystander mentions and yet I know plenty of parents who aren't overwhelmed and shattered at all. My mother brought up 4 of us and is still going strong at 85. We had a great childhood and she particularly enjoyed saving up money so she and our dad could take us travelling in Europe.

I had 2 (one of them disabled) and a very modest income, but I certainly wouldn't describe the last 20 years as "no life at all". We've had masses of fun as a family! And I've managed to have quite a bit of fun on my own as well. The thing about small children is that you don't need lots of money to have adventures because the world is a great big adventure to them. Some of our best memories are things like playing Robin Hood in a local wood or a trip to the beach in the rain.

And when they get older they develop their own interests and knowledge and can introduce you to new ideas you'd never thought about.

My DD is 6 weeks and my first. Before I had her I was terrified of birth, no experience of babies and never felt particularly maternal. However now I have her it's like it's what I'm supposed to do in life and I feel a sort of completeness if that makes sense. I'm only 6 weeks in so I'm sure it will get difficult but so far I've loved every moment of it x

Having a baby is blooming hard but also the most incredible awesome experience ever. That first real smile makes up for the sleep deprivation, a proper giggle melts your heart and even as stinky teenagers they still have their moments.

If it was that bad we wouldn't keep going back for more - I have one at 20, two at 15 and my post chemo surprise at 8 months. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

You will have rubbish days, you will have days that feel like a disaster, you will have days when you smile so much your face hurts and your heart aches.

There are no rules and no perfect parents - remember to laugh even when you are covered in some dubious bodily fluid - not much point in crying.

Lots of luck and love on your next path in life x

When DC1 was 18 months old, DC2 came along.

You have to know that when most - not all - people are in the thick of the baby and toddler years, it is, for the most part, relentless, monotonous, thankless slog. And all done without any sleep.

I was utterly blindsided by the whole experience, and couldn't believe that no-one had told me how hard it would be.

But. You're talking about little creations that you love with your very being, that you'd walk over hot coals for and lay down your very life for.

So that makes it manageable. Then it makes it doable. And then it makes it affirming and rewarding.

And gradually they get older, and you get back what you put in, and more. They begin to be able to interact and talk to you. It becomes a reciprocally loving relationship.

Having children is, without a shadow of a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done. But the two people I have are the best two people in the entire world. They make me smile and laugh and swell with pride every single day.

It's more than worth it.

Thank you all for your input. Really appreciate all the points of view. Covers all spectrums for me. Over all I'm feeling calmer and ready for what life brings.

It's bloody hard. But for me it also goes in peaks and troughs. The first few days were absolutely amazing the overwhelming love of felt was mind blowing. But I'd had a horrible birth experience and as hormones/ pain killers etc fluctuated and virtually zero sleep in about a week, an endless stream of unwelcome visitors and a poorly newborn baby at home on our own to try and figure out how to stop him crying, it took a nose dive. But a couple more days and things sorted themselves out a bit more and I could enjoy staring at him sleep and just holding his teeny tiny toes again! And it carried on a bit like that. Bad days good days, bad weeks good weeks. He's no angel. Im definitely not supermum. It is hard work I do moan about it. But I would most definitely do it all over again if I could.

He's now 3 and for a long time been more far more love it than hate it days. I even quit work (when I'd sworn I'd definitely keep on working couldn't really afford to not work etc) but after a few months leaped at the opportunity for redundancy as I missed him so much and just love spending time with him it's brilliant! We are prepared to compromise on house/ car/ holidays/ spending money to be able to spend time with our cool little boy.

I honestly can't say we found it that hard and we both worked. I was very ill and was in hospital for a month after the birth, but she slept through the night from 11 weeks. She never threw a tantrum ever and she's never been punished in her life, she's now just turned 20. Sure we had some tough teenage moments.but you could count them on the fingers of one hand, and when we did we talked about it, or more likely I gave her a shoutIng at.

I wasn't so much a fan of the baby stage, I liked it better when she could tell me what was wrong or what she wanted, but we basically always treat her like an equal member of the family, she always had a say and still does. She did go to a childminders but we never had a baby sitter.

I love every inch of her and am hugely proud of her. Having s child is the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. It's weird, you see yourself, your husband in them, you know they are yours and there is a bond you won't have with any other human.

If you had asked me about being a parent when DS1 was anything upto about 18 months, I would have said it was awful. He didn't sleep, he screamed, he threw food, he started biting, he hated everything......he then became cute for a while before hitting the terrible twos with gusto. He's now 4.6 and a proper horror, full of attitude, disobedience and cheek. However, from abou thetimw he was 18 months, I knew it was totally worth it. The days are hard, but I will never forget the sound of him running through the hospital corridor calling out his new baby brother' name, or watching the sheer delight in his face as he leaps in a puddle. I live to hear him tell me all about the new dinosaur facts he has learned, and to watch him encourage his little brother to learn new skills.

Parenting is, without a doubt, really tough, but the little rewards are so great, it makes it all worth it.

My youngest is about to start school, I have two DC. Both very different, as babies the first slept well at night wouldn't nap, tantrums early on but also seemed to develop earlier in terms of speech/emotionally. 2nd DC napped so well but inconsistent at night which was a shock. Much more immature and even now as about to start school I worry how they will settle in.
BUT.......they have both been a joy as well as hard work. Our lives centre around them and being a parent is the best (most wine consuming) thing I have ever done.
Each child is different, each parent is different. There is never a perfect time, a perfect child or perfect parent. You learn (make it up) as you go along. One thing is for sure, you won't regret it!