SAHM how do you and your DP divide personal spending

[WilmaFlintstoneandPebbles]

Hello,

First timer here. I am a SAHM living in central London with my DH and 2 children (18 months and 3). My husband works as a teacher and I look after our children full time. I also work 1-2 evenings a week when my children are in bed and my husband looks after them. I had a freelance career before children and have re-trained in a new profession by studying part-time over the past 4 years. I have started a new business in the new profession and expect to earn £17,000 in my first year and double in the Second. I will still be the main carer for my children but will work in the evenings and weekends so my husband can give up his freelance evening tutoring. Therefore no childcare costs needed.

My question is that currently my husband gives me an 'allowance' of £300-£400 per month for daily spending (he pays all the bills and rent and main grocery shopping). From this I am expected to buy anything for myself (clothes, haircuts etc), all the children's clothes, birthday presents for friends and family, daily coffees, playdate expenses and additional groceries. I appreciate that this could be seen as a lot of money (made up of my earnings and Child Benefit). However my problem is that in calling it an 'allowance,' it is a bit of a parent-child relationship and I fear he doesn't value the contribution I make to the household in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning errands etc plus my financial contribution through working. He also has full access to my (our joint) account, leading to lots of 'another £10 spent on coffee and cake at .... I see!' style comments. I have no access to his (our) main account so never know what kind of financial position we are in.

For anyone with a SAHP and sole -worker set up or where one of the 2 of you earns significantly less within a family, how do you handle 'personal spending?' Is it fair if both parties have the same personal spending power if there is a significantly higher earner? Any suggestions welcome from either partner!

We have a similar set up. I transfer X amount in to our current account each month for food/house stuff/clothes. Anything left over gets put in to savings.

The difference is that I have control over it.

Do what works for you, but it doesn't sound as if you are happy with your current set up. If it was up to you how would you have it?

I have been a SAHM for the last 7 years and have now started working an hour a day at a school so no childcare is needed throughout the holidays. My dp works full time and always has. We have a bank account each but class every penny as 'one pot'. I do the budget & add all the money coming in together & then watever is left, we discuss with each other. For example if i want to go for lunch with a friend, i look at the budget & then check with dp this is ok, he also does the same. Its understandable ur allowance makes you feel like that but it could also be his way of trying to show you he appreciates what you do by making sure u have money to access for anything u need whilst your partner is at Work. Communication is key in our house.

Thanks Newjob12345. I think our set-up is normal enough. I guess I'm just not comfortable with the controlling aspect that my 'personal spending' is up for scrutiny and not my DHs if YSWIM? Perhaps more transparency such as personal spending accounts with a set amount in each, I'm happy for his to be higher than mine as he earns more. That way I can complain about 'his expensive coffee habit' or whatever he's spending his money on. Does that sound a fair set-up?

SAHM here. Dh and I have exactly the same amount for personal spending after all bills and essentials are paid for. Any overtime or bonus payments are discussed and agreed on.

I'm wondering something similar.

DP runs a business which has just started making proper profits, and I work in a bar weekend/evenings but he earns an awful lot more than me, and will continue to do so.

We've just opened a joint account and agreed that everything (rent, car, food, bills) will come out of that, but then when it comes to the "leftover" he would prefer to save every penny or pay extra into rent.

While I think this is really sensible, it doesn't seem to account for things like extra school uniform/little treats/xmas and birthday things. Having had a really limited income for years I thought now I'd finally be able to do little extras like taking DD for lunch or buying that not-entirely-necessary-but-very-nice thing.

I don't shop anywhere expensive, but I now feel a bit like every time I want to buy something that isn't a literal necessity I will have to "ask permission" as it were.

Watching thread for better setups/suggestions.

We didn't have his and her money, but separate accounts iyswim.
If there isn't enough in one account we take it from the other.
he never gave me an allowance, we both just help ourselves.
I work now, but we've always done it like this whether i worked or not.
it's all family money, one pot.

That's really weird. It does sound like he's your dad.

I have full access to our joint bank account. Anything I need I transfer from our main account into my personal account, whenever I need to and without consulting DP. We each take care of some bills, and I get groceries, clothes, anything else we need.

I would go ballistic if he suggested I have an "allowance".

Thanks Pru24. I like the fact that you do the budget in your family whilst your partner works. That seems fairer and that you are more involved in the family's finances. I do always ask for permission to make any larger than average purchase, e.g. New shoes or winter coat for the children or myself, but he is free to spend 'his' money as he sees fit. Maybe a conversation with DH about my feelings towards this could resolve it!

I have been a SAHM for nearly five years and we both have our our bank accounts plus a joint one. The joint one has all the direct debits/bills etc coming out of it and neither of us have a card for it. DH puts 75% of his salary into the joint account and from that I 'pay' myself money into my personal account which is for petrol, food, coffee/cake, birthday presents etc. That way neither of us are privy to our personal spending but it is controlled. Works really well for us

Fairly similar here
I am a sahm
I tend to make all financial decisions tbh!!
dh either agrees (or not) and I tend to do all the day to day admin
All savings are in my name, Mortgage is in both names....I think these are both very important if you are a sahm.

We have a joint account where we both put the majority of our wages. Then we both have personal accounts and we are both allowed to 'hold back' the same amount each month in it so we have the same amount of disposable cash to spend. That amount varies depending on how much we have spent as a family on other purchases. It means DH, who is older and currently earns more than me, doesn't have more ££££ to spend than me all the time despite the fact that I set my career back for our family by taking two MLs and working part time for a while.

We just have our joint account with everything in & out the same one, both have free rein but any large purchases we would ok with the other. We've never had separate pots for our own money.

It's swings & roundabouts though. For our first 4 years living together I was the higher earner, then for a couple of years we had similar wage now I'm a SAHM with no income & DH works full time. But everything is still 'ours'

We just have one pot. He earns it and I manage it as he is terrible with budgeting and remembering to pay bills. It works for us because neither is a big spender. He is fine for me to treat myself, have gym membership but that is because he understands that I am looking after our baby so therefore can't work at present. We discuss most purchases. I also go out more than him but he would have more big spends on his hobby. I know some friends however this wouldn't work for as they have different attitudes to money, such as one would be spending left right and centre etc.

DH pays the mortgage, utilities, main food shopping, holidays, days out, expensive clothing etc

I pay for school fees, my hobby, my mobile, my credit card and small things on a day to day basis (coffee, cake, classes for child) out of the pot of money I get every month. Basically anything I need to buy when he's not around, we still haven't got round to sorting out a joint account which would probably be easier!

All our money is joint. I don't know why you'd do anything else unless you don't trust your spouse

We have equal spending money. All income and outgoings come out of the joint account and an equal amount is transferred to each of our own single accounts for spending - and this is just spending on ourselves, not family stuff.

Wow OP. You are married! There is no such thing as "his" and "your" money. I've been a SAHM for many years and contributed nothing on a financial level. We both have a card for the current account. I buy things for the DC and myself as and when needed and that's it. No questions asked. Obviously if I was about to spend thousands, I would run it past him, but we both know our general limits and spend accordingly.
Being given an allowance is very patronising - especially as you're working as well
Tell him you are his wife and an equal partner and he needs to trust, respect and value you as such.

I think id be uncomfortable with the allowance set up OP.

I would view you both as contributing equally to the household so you should both have the same access to the money.

I'm a SAHM. (2DCs, one 10 months and one 3). I don't contribute financially at all at present (we used to earn the same amount) and I won't for a couple of years. All my partner's earnings go into our joint account. Bills etc come out as direct debits and then we both use that account for everything. We can both see it.

I think it's important that your role as a SAHM is valued. It's important. And the money he earns is just as much yours to spend as his. In my opinion.

We just have one joint account - everything is pooled. I ( SAHM) manage the account and oversee all the finances ( mortgage, insurance policies, savings, shares, credit cards etc). We're fairly comfortably off so we don't need to quibble about small individual purchases, although we do have an agreement that large purchases over a set amount have to be agreed with the other person.

He is behaving like a controlling arse - only you know if he is one

I have to agree, ours is always considered joint money. It's for our family, and as I point out to DH it would be far more expensive to employ staff to do my job :D (and he points out his life would probably be far simpler with staff than a wife :D)

Sahm here. We do the same as Fairylea and I manage all our finances and we discuss any large purchases. Him giving you an 'allowance' and calling you out over spending is patronising at best. I'd actually see it as borderline financially abusive. Married with kids together, all money should be joint IMO.

I'm almost a sahp, work 12 hrs a week. We have one account, one credit card all shared. We don't have "free money" if either want something we talk about it and 9 time out of 10 its brought. we find we spend less that way. We have savings but in seperate accounts (isa) but it is all family money and we try and keep them even amounts. DH spends more day to day, but I tend to have a splurge every now and then!

We have one joint account with all money in (and a couple of joint saving accounts). All money goes into that and then we each have our own budget from it of £100 each and then £50 for our son (he's only 1). That money is to do with as we please, if we need to make other purchases that are bigger then we discuss it and decide together. At the moment I am a SAHM so all the money going into the account is from his earnings, but it's been different at various points - eg I was being paid maternity for a while, we were both working full time, a few years ago he was studying and I was working full time. We just view it all as our money and share any extra equally

You need access to join account.if ..you both know what goes in,and what goes out,therefore you both know not to overspend so the bills get paid..you don't need an allowance you need a card on the joint account to take money as you need it..anything less and he is controlling you and yr spending like an adult with a child...