SAHM how do you and your DP divide personal spending

[WilmaFlintstoneandPebbles]

Hello,

First timer here. I am a SAHM living in central London with my DH and 2 children (18 months and 3). My husband works as a teacher and I look after our children full time. I also work 1-2 evenings a week when my children are in bed and my husband looks after them. I had a freelance career before children and have re-trained in a new profession by studying part-time over the past 4 years. I have started a new business in the new profession and expect to earn £17,000 in my first year and double in the Second. I will still be the main carer for my children but will work in the evenings and weekends so my husband can give up his freelance evening tutoring. Therefore no childcare costs needed.

My question is that currently my husband gives me an 'allowance' of £300-£400 per month for daily spending (he pays all the bills and rent and main grocery shopping). From this I am expected to buy anything for myself (clothes, haircuts etc), all the children's clothes, birthday presents for friends and family, daily coffees, playdate expenses and additional groceries. I appreciate that this could be seen as a lot of money (made up of my earnings and Child Benefit). However my problem is that in calling it an 'allowance,' it is a bit of a parent-child relationship and I fear he doesn't value the contribution I make to the household in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning errands etc plus my financial contribution through working. He also has full access to my (our joint) account, leading to lots of 'another £10 spent on coffee and cake at .... I see!' style comments. I have no access to his (our) main account so never know what kind of financial position we are in.

For anyone with a SAHP and sole -worker set up or where one of the 2 of you earns significantly less within a family, how do you handle 'personal spending?' Is it fair if both parties have the same personal spending power if there is a significantly higher earner? Any suggestions welcome from either partner!

I'm not a sahp, but re the saver / spender thing. My dh could NOT save when we were first married. I said 'put £50 pcm in a separate account' he said 'but I'll spend it'. So I saved from my account, and he over paid the mortgage. House belonged to both of us, 'my' savings belonged to both of us, everything belonged to both of us, but he was keen to keep separate accounts. I would have assumed as we were married we would have only joint accounts, but it's worked fine. We've bought a new house, so I've been in possession of his bank statements, I think he just didn't want to justify every penny he spent. There's different ways to share the burden, but 'i earned it so I spend it' isn't how a family works to me, why would you want to be better off than your spouse?

We have the same sort of set up. DH works full time, I SAH. All our money (his wages) go into our main account, all bills go from there. I have a £500 limit credit card in my name that gets paid off in full every month for all the little expenses you've mentioned.
I call it my allowance because that's what it is. I was much more pissed off before because everything had to be justified, whereas now I don't.
He also has a credit card, paid in full every month, for things he wants. Higher credit limit though. Most expenses for the DC's comes out of the joint account.

Thanks Pagwatch. When was this, recently? It doesn't sound like much but then again there are lots of fun free things you can do for free with young children, particularly in London, museums, Royal parks, library music classes etc. I think being on a strict budget can actually make you more creative sometimes and equallly to value money more when you do have it.

I'm the sole earner and my wife is a SAHM. We have a joint account that we both have full access to, that my wages go into and all of our bills come from. We also have an account each from before we were married where we send 50 a month each as treat money. At the end of the month whatever is left in the joint account goes to savings. We don't comment on what the other spends, we can each see at any time what we have spent. Bigger expenses (holidays, new car seats and kids birthday parties etc) are agreed and paid for out of the joint account, as are our haircuts and clothes. I wouldn't want it any other way cos I'm not the boss, were equals. Also, childcare would take nearly all of my wage, and she's taken that hit for us to have me work - on behalf of both of us - so even if I was someone who counted pounds and pence I'd be transferring her half my wage anyway (which she would then send back to pay the bills!)

It's this way because we are a partnership and before we were married and had kids we shared expenses and paid different percentages based on our relative earnings through me paying all the bills and her sending me a preagreed amount and sharing food shopping. This arrangement left us both with same amount of spending money left each month too.

Do you "charge" your DH for childcare? Does he even know how much it would cost?

Equal spends at the end of the month for "fun" and full transparency are the way for me OP, doesn't matter how you do it, but it's not that way you're vulnerable and he's potentially taking the piss and not treating you as an equal.

So just to be clear everyone, is it the scrutiny of my 'allowance' - agreed a terrible term to use!, the actual amount of personal spending being offered/set, or that it is not as transparent and the same quantity as my DH that you think is the main Issue?

if it's not that way, typo sorry....

I'm a sahm, DP earns all the money.
His salary is put in a joint account and I have free rein to buy whatever I see fit for the children/house/me/him

He's actually much more cautious about spending money on himself than me and will ask me before he buys anything, a rare occurrence anyway and I definitely don't want him to seek my permission!

We have joint savings and when I go back to work (sometime in the distant future...) my salary will go in the big joint account too

All of it is family money.

Both OP IMO.

Scrutiny because why aren't you allowed to scrutinize his spending? (Oh wait you can't see it...)

(Lack of) transparency because it is a way of maintaining the lopsided nature of your knowledge of and control over family money. I'd be worried if I didn't know the family financial situation.

Ooh sorry, missed the other two. The amount doesn't matter so long as it is something you can both afford, and as long as it is the same as his (and covers the same things, not massively more or less or things for the kids).

Ask to see his bank statements. If he says no, ask why. If he says it's my earnings, remind him the dc and house don't look after themselves. In other words it's the 21st century, you're equal and should have equal access to spends ffs. Please have this conversation with him.

My dh earns c£80k, I am a sahp until ds3 goes to school (sept 2020)

I don't have an allowance, I use £20 per week I get from tutoring for all my cash spending and I use £137 CB which is paid into my bank but dh relays fro his tax code for my direct debits (car, insurance, phone). We get maintenance to the tune of £80 per month from dd's father, which I currently save into an isa. I sell lots on eBay and Facebook which I tend to save or use to buy something new if I want it.

All joint spending comes from our joint account. All my spending (haircuts, clothes, luxuries) come from that £20 a week that I earn, or my savings which I have built up over the years.

Dh pays all bills and all the running costs of our life.

We are both naturally frugal, we both save for our joint future. If i wanted something, anything, he would pay for it, but I don't really like asking for money. He isn't a big spender. We overpay our mortgage, pay into pensions, and save as much as we can.

Disclaimer- it's really freaking boring and I'd love a holiday!!!

Thanks Tallwivglasses I'll do that, although I suspect he will be a bit resistant. DH claims that I, 'am not good with money' hence the controlling aspect of the 'allowance/ personal spending.' He has no reason to be concerned though as I have no debit or credit cards and before we married split everything 50/50 despite me being the far lesser earner. This however did lead to me running up a small debt (under £5000) which I paid off in full during our first year of marriage and before DC's. I guess since this 'financial mistake'. Have been a bit on the back foot in terms of asking for equal financial rights within our marriage. Silly I know! Incidently I have shown him my business plan and projections and I think our newer, more equal financial contributions will be easier on him.

Ps. To OMGtwins- great name by the way! Do you resent in any way your DW being a SAHM in terms of lack of financial contribution? Feel free to be honest without fear of being flamed, genuinely interested to know.

Nah mate, that 5k wasn't your financial mistake, that was him expecting unfair contributions from you and now putting you on the back foot because if that. Question - if you had both paid pro rata based on your relative earnings would you have had that 5k debt? Does he have a corresponding 5k saving shifting somewhere? Do you know how much savings he has? Have you seen his bank statements? He has a lopsided approach to money and your contributions to joint expenses.

Know your bills, have your savings targets, know how much you need to keep the kids clothed and entertained, then split the remainder equally between you with full access for you to all the accounts.

To thenewaveragebear1983, similar earnings in our household. I'm impressed with your frugality but I would push DH for a holiday soon ;-)

No I think my wife is awesome in looking after the kids and her contribution is worth far more than the money I bring in. We are a team and we contribute as best we can friend where we are, together.

Argh typo...

I meant "as best we can from where we are together"

Thanks OMGTwins, I respect your attitude and hope that my DH eventually comes round to your way of thinking towards valuing my role financially and otherwise as a SAHM.

He either comes round or he's a dick who doesn't treat you as an equal. I suggest you put a time limit on his waking up - its not coming round... What will he add when you out earn I'm the second year of your business?

My opinion of my wife and what she does is not me being all pink and fluffy and rose tinted glasses because IRL I'm not. It's basic common decency and respecting other people.

We lump all our money together, work out how much we need for bills, food etc, put some in savings and the leftover disposable income is split in half and we call it our pocket money. I have to say I'd love it to be as much as £300-£400!!

When we were first married we kept our separate accounts and then had a joint account for mortgage payments etc. But for ages now we've just had one account where all our earnings go and from which all our bills come. He earns much more than me now though I earned more when we were first married. I run all the finances (savings, tax accounts, VAT returns when we had a small business) but we never ask each other if we can spend something. Obviously if it's very expensive like a holiday we would discuss it but we'd never ask the other for permission to buy an expensive item of clothing or tickets for an expensive concert.

We are a joint enterprise and our children are joint enterprises. At different times we've contributed differently, in terms of finances and childcare and admin. I find the idea of an allowance and 'personal' spending money really strange. We're adults in an equal relationship, we've made decisions about that relationship together, including who earns what when, and we spend what we want from what we have because we both want to be solvent and happy.

I work 3 days a week. Even if I was full time DH would earn twice as much as me.

DH and I both get the same amount of spending money which we use for personal spending, hair cuts, clothes and going out. Everything family related bills, baby groups and anything for DD comes from the joint account.

When I was on maternity leave I took money from the joint account for my personal spending money. But always the same amount as DH.

@WilmaFlintstoneandPebbles It's not clear from your OP whether you are pretty flush, or if things are currently a bit tight. But given one teaching salary and living in central London, this is based on the latter...

You mention things like "daily coffees" and then your husband commenting on £10 for cake and coffee etc?

If I was in your position, then I too might be a bit if my partner felt quite happy to spend amounts like that on ridiculous things like takeaway coffee on a daily basis. In fact if I was working the hours that my RL teacher friends do, and all I kept seeing were nice leisurely coffee shop payments, that would piss me off in itself, sorry.

I see your current position as being one where you need to rein in a bit whilst your new venture gets off the ground and you are on reduced joint income (and 17k won't go far, so its really future years which will make the difference).

All that said, however, I would be concerned at the wider inequality in terms of your finances - the secrets about his account etc, the actual dishing out of an allowance etc.

Thanks Shotsfired. Good to have another contrasting opinion on the situation. I gave the 'daily coffee habit' as an example in my OP as something my DH would 'pick me up for,' in reality it's more like twice a week, but I see your point. I do appreciate all the hard work my DH does and perhaps my daily spending is not demonstrating that. However whilst our money is pooled, the money he allocates to my daily personal spending is made up of my part time earning and Child benefit. Money is not too tight, we still have plenty for holidays, running a car etc but London is expensive.

So he doesn't actually give you any money at all then? He "lets" you keep your earnings and the child benefit. What do you know about the rest of your finances? This gets murkier.

In his mind it's probably something along the lines of he now pays for "everything" and he didn't before, but he hasn't factored in the physical or childcare cost of having a child at all, which is what you being a SAHM lets him avoid.

I suggest you ask him for a sit down where you both go through all your accounts together so you can understand your combined incomings and outgoings a bit better (you could do it under the guise of preparing to contribute more when your business takes off). His reaction to that will be interesting.

Do you know the balance of his accounts? Have you seen statements? Does he have any credit cards? (Noting you don't). Do you know how much your mortgage and other monthly expenses are?

He could be not giving you equal money and spending loads more, or he could be giving you loads more than he has because he's hung up on providing for you all and doesn't want to share with you that you're in debt (this is left field, I admit). Teacher in central London doesn't imply loads of spare money.