SAHM how do you and your DP divide personal spending

[WilmaFlintstoneandPebbles]

Hello,

First timer here. I am a SAHM living in central London with my DH and 2 children (18 months and 3). My husband works as a teacher and I look after our children full time. I also work 1-2 evenings a week when my children are in bed and my husband looks after them. I had a freelance career before children and have re-trained in a new profession by studying part-time over the past 4 years. I have started a new business in the new profession and expect to earn £17,000 in my first year and double in the Second. I will still be the main carer for my children but will work in the evenings and weekends so my husband can give up his freelance evening tutoring. Therefore no childcare costs needed.

My question is that currently my husband gives me an 'allowance' of £300-£400 per month for daily spending (he pays all the bills and rent and main grocery shopping). From this I am expected to buy anything for myself (clothes, haircuts etc), all the children's clothes, birthday presents for friends and family, daily coffees, playdate expenses and additional groceries. I appreciate that this could be seen as a lot of money (made up of my earnings and Child Benefit). However my problem is that in calling it an 'allowance,' it is a bit of a parent-child relationship and I fear he doesn't value the contribution I make to the household in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning errands etc plus my financial contribution through working. He also has full access to my (our joint) account, leading to lots of 'another £10 spent on coffee and cake at .... I see!' style comments. I have no access to his (our) main account so never know what kind of financial position we are in.

For anyone with a SAHP and sole -worker set up or where one of the 2 of you earns significantly less within a family, how do you handle 'personal spending?' Is it fair if both parties have the same personal spending power if there is a significantly higher earner? Any suggestions welcome from either partner!

I'm a SAHM, I have a small income though. All money goes into our joint account and is completely shared. We discuss and agree on any large purchases but are both free to use money day to day as we see fit. I wouldn't tolerate being given an allowance or having to be accountable for what I spend.

SAHM here. Everything goes into a joint account and we both spend what we want. We discuss obviously and I do the accounts at the end of the month but there is no set limit. If either of us want something big/expensive we tend to discuss first but neither of us have ever wanted something the other has said no to.

It's our money just like it's our house, our cars and it our decision for me to stop work to raise our children.

We don't have 'his and mine' money nor do we have an allowance each. All money that comes in is 'ours'. We have been meaning to set up a joint account but for now we (usually me) move money from one account to the other as and when needed. His account is where the bills come out of and then the rest usually goes into my account for food shopping and general spending by the both of us. We've never felt the need to keep tabs on who spends what and 'owing' each other money. I tend to keep an eye on the bank account more than he does. We are quite relaxed compared to some but it works for us.

No his and hers money here. Bills are paid from DH's account (where his salary is paid). I spend on my credit card which DH transfers money to my account for when the bill is due, and he also transfers extra for cash spending.

SAHM here, we have one joint bank account that wages get paid into, bills come out of, and we both have access to. I basically spend what I like when I like. Dh knows I wouldn't be out spending stupid amounts of money anyway, and any big purchases would normally be discussed first, like holidays or things for the house.

We have a similar system to you OP. We don't want a joint account as my credit rating is much worse than DH's, so we have separate accounts. He transfers a sum to my account on an ad-hoc basis - I prefer it that way as it means I have the freedom to spend a relatively large amount. DH earns many times my income and pays the mortgage and all bills, and any expenses when we go out together. I buy food, things for the dc, pay for tickets for days out and most other things. If the money runs low then he tops up (usually without me having to ask). We don't call it an 'allowance', or anything else, really - he just says he's transferred money over. We see it all as 'our' money but just in separate places. We never question each other's spending and don't have to ask permission from each other to buy anything. I'd hate to have someone scrutinising my spending.

I really disagree with the concept of an allowance - the only reason you are earning less/are in need of financial support is because you are caring for your joint children. Allowance is infantilising and implies that what you do is not an equal contribution snd that your h is somehow the boss of you.

In my house, all money goes into our joint account, bills are paid and we spend what's left. Neither of us asks permission or justifies what we spend. Obviously big, expensive things we would check with the other, just in case money was earmarked for something specific. I am a sahp and I manage all our outgoings really. It is definitely not viewed as dh's money, to dish out as he sees fit.

Thanks everyone! Some really useful points. Interesting to hear a lot in favour of the 'our' money and joint finances arrangement, we are married and have two children after all!

I'm a sahp, DH earns and we budget jointly
We have 3 bank accounts, his, mine and ours. Whatever is left from necessary spending remains in the joint account for presents holidays etc and we both have an regular amount transferred into our personal accounts for personal spending.

Out of interest, do you think it makes a difference if one of the two parents/ partners is better at budgeting or managing money? For example if DH was naturally a 'saver' and the DW was a 'spender' should money still be joint then if no debt/ credit and one partner earns more?

I agree with the point about being given an allowance.
In the 25 years I didn't earn anything dh never suggested an allowance, it was our money for me to manage how I felt fit.
He did the work, I managed the home and cared for children.
I accounted for every penny and knew where all the money went, how much we had left and what we could and couldn't afford.
He was happy he didn't have to manage finance on top of working.

Wilma

We are both on the same page when it comes to spending, but there was a time we were both not so good, pre children.
I took it on board as I was slightly better and dh worked long hours.
I had to learn what to prioritise, but imo if you have dc it's sort of taken out of your hands anyway

Thanks Gillybeanz, maybe DH is actually looking for me to take the initiative and manage the family budget for us and in doing so improve the way we manage money? He hasn't openly voiced this though!

Personally i dont see how who ever earns the most should get to spend the most, the way we Work is usually to suit the children or situation. How would DH feel if u earnt more & therefor could spend more? I think regardless of who earns what, u should both feel equal in the partnership. This would also give u more in savings for holidays etc. My dp is useless with money but will always check & understands that if even thou i do the budget, its important to both no where we are at. Otherwise i would feel like the bad guy all the time. When i had full control he would ask like i was his mum & i hated it but he understands it doesnt Work like that. Now he will say iv checked balance & looked at budget, think it should be fine to do go...or do...this way he Works it out himself rather than me saying yes or no. I took the lead because its important & i knew with time he would understand how it all works.

SAHM here too, when I stopped working we just moved everything to a joint account. I tend to check on big purchases, just because he has a better vision of the finances than me, but other than that I can spend what I want. I'd hate to be given an allowance for spending, especially if it was equal with my DH. Ok if you both get £400 per month, but if he gets free reign and you get a set amount it doesn't seem fair.

So if you won the Euro millions lottery tomorrow could he be happy if you kept all of it and gave him £2/300 per month allowance?

I've been married 28years . At times I earnt them the most, at time he did, now we both have enough. It's ways been treated as one big pot except that we actually had two accounts at one point so that we didn't need to look at /ponder each other's spending.including for things like presents.

We have always had a chat when either of us wanted to make a non-routine or larger purchase - it's just a mutual respect thing.

I would loath a partner to dole out an allowance as if I was a partner and scrutinising spending is utter twattery.

Imo he's being an arse and it's not acceptable.

My iPad is crap. I'm sorry if that is gibberish .

borderline financially abusive?!

Some really good points. To be honest I was wondering what will happen when I start earning more substantially soon with my business? I do have the potential to 'out earn' DH but would consider any financial contributions I make to the family as equal spending for us all, DH included. I hugely value the contribution he has made to our family both financially and in looking after the children for One day a week for the past three years whilst I study. I don't know. It's a tricky one that we just seem to have very different attitudes towards finances.

I don't get all this allowance stuff.. my dad never told my mum what he earnt and gave her a bit of money every month.. it's so controlling and didn't value her as an equal. We are a family so all money is shared. I am a SAHM.. it's about supporting each others roles. I deal with the finances and any big purchases are discussed.

I agree that he sounds controlling. And I don't see why he should have more discretionary spending that you , you should have the same amount .

Thanks everyone. Out of interest, what do you consider is a reasonable mutually agreed amount for personal spending for each other in our situation? Married, SAHM setting up a new business, DH and 2 pre-school children, oh and central London where 2 takeaway coffees cost £6!

Once everything that has to be paid for, is paid for - including if there are savings etc - the rest should be 50/50.

I have not read all the comments, just OPs. But I would say this kind of system is totally awful and you should stop it. We have one pot of money. DH is MUCH better at tracking money than I am, so he takes that on for us but he is the SAHP and I am the one who earns 90% of our income. We discuss larger purchases and currently, because we are skint, we discuss smaller purchases too!

Most importantly, we can both see the money coming in and out and decide together.

I simply don't understand the "allowance" factor. I know couples who are comfortable but not rich who choose to have one pot for most things, then from that pot an "allowance" is paid to each of them to spend without discussion e.g. if one wants to blow it all on a night out while the other wants to go for coffee every day with friends, that's fine. They agree what is covered by the allowance and what's not. DH and I did this pre children but, tbh, we don't have the money now so neither of us is blowing money on anything. When we did however, certain things were excluded - e.g. all day to day clothes were from joint pot, ditto cosmetics etc. But "treat" clothing or cosmetics weren't - e.g. a new work handbag would come from joint pot (with discussion if it was expensive) but that cute little bag I had to buy for NO REASON was from my allowance! :)

my point is that you can have different ways of doing it, at different times, but it's a huge problem if one person controls the money completely.

When we were first married, after everything was paid including nursery fees, mortgage etc, we had £20 a week left . We had £10 each. I've still got my book keeping track each week to make sure I didn't go over.