Calling SAHM's - encouragement please!

[MerryMarigold]

Hi

I've always wanted to be a SAHM - and we wangled our finances so this would be possible. My ds is now 16mo and tbh I am finding it difficult. My dh forgot to get me a mother's day card from him, and this was the last straw as I feel I have no identity other than being a Mum, and yet that is not appreciated.

I don't want to spark a whole argument with mum's who have to/ want to work. But please, remind me, those of you who stay home, just why you do it! And how do you stimulate yourself, and how do you feel valuable and retain some sense of yourSELF?

MerryMarigold - I too have a 16 mth old DS who doesn't DO shopping, more than 2 minutes with the pushchair stopped and he is trying to escape!! We also have limited cash so maybe its just as well
The CFS must make things hard too, how on earth do you cope with the boundless energy of a toddler??

Glad you have got some help from here. I certainly use MN to put things into perspective!!

Must admit I love being a SAHM, we've got sod all money, but I'm at home with ds (22 months ) and that's what we'd planned. I'm looking for a P/T evening/weekend job at the mo as money is tight.
Anyhow, we go out every day, usually meet up with friends with children the same age as ds twice a week, my mum comes over 2 days a week and the other day we usually go into town and meet dh for lunch and do a bit of shopping. Ds has a nap on an afternoon, so I have a bit of time to do what I want then, read/gardening/painting/card making and also get some chores done.
I've found as ds gets older it's easier as he wants to help in the garden, washing up etc and loves to feel helpful, so we can do things together - bless, so we make it a game.
Don't get me wrong the teething days/crap weather days/ill days and tantrum days do my nut in, but the good far, far outweighs the bad.

Okay, my daughter isn't even quite four months yet, so ask me again after I've got to the talking stage, because maybe I'll be bored or something. But I was a freelance writer - and a lazy and unsuccessful one, to the point that I'm still doing the same amount of work, very very little, after the birth - and I spent my days wandering round the shops, sitting in parks, watching telly, going on the internet. Alone. I'm just not the kind of person who gets bored. So the boredom isn't the problem for me, the grotesque INCREASE in activity is. I do not have a moment to myself any more. All my time is spent doing laundry, expressing milk, carrying her around just because she demands it, feeding her, etc. Half of me absolutely loves it, because she's endlessly adorable. The other half is just so exhausted, and a little guilty about how rubbish I am at it. I wouldn't stop if I got a good job, or enough money to get a child minder. I just love hanging out with her. I'm in a foreign country because my husband works here, and I don't have any friends, don't see any real people. I have an internet talkboard (not this one) but they all go to bed 8 hours earlier than me because they're in Britain. So I miss my friends a little. But I have never felt as valuable, because someone now needs me, and I have a new sense of myself because everything I do suddenly matters.

sorry, havent had time to read all this long thread, but to answer the original question merrymarigold:

it has driven me absolutely crackers, i am now officially a total fruitloop. the downside is, it's claustrophobic, boring, frustrating, demeaning and depressing. the groundhog day-ness of it means constant trips inside my own imagination are required just to keep me out of a mental health ward.

however...i love those dc's, and if i don't stay at home, someone else will have to (nursery, childminder etc.) and that would be even more unbearable. it's part utter-mother-love, part control-freakery!

my mantra is that IN HINDSIGHT it will be wonderful. i will look back on it when they're older with my rosy specs on, and think, yes i did it. (if i haven't spontaneously combusted that is)

to be more serious

i do it because when dd1 was a baby, found out she has mild cp, so special circumstances.

i cant remember what my original plan was before that, because that's like it was someone else, tbh.

how to retain sense of self and be stimulated?
(apart from thinking about johnny depp)

mumsnet and others similar are invaluable.i only wish i had found them sooner!

the older your ds gets, the more you begin to feel human again, the toddler part is by far the hardest imo, much more than the baby bit. then you will naturally return to your old interests and pastimes. honestly when dd1 (and later dd2) were toddlers, i remember one time being in front of the mirror to put some makeup on and i was sort of 'frozen' couldnt remember what to do! same with a lot of other interests. i always have a newspaper and watch the news for example, whereas reading a whole book was out of the question for a long time, but this came back. the last year or two, had a little p/t ebay biz, that is the most stimulation i've had in years, lol. seriously, choosing stock, creating listings etc., when you ahven't done anything with your head for a while, feels great (how sad am i)
when they get to about 4 or 5 years old, they become much more fun

Hi, I am a SAHM and love it, although going from f/t WOHM to SAHM took alot of adjusting. I let go of what society expected of me (ie go to work) and did what I felt right and made me, kids & DH happy. When you work you are selling your time and have much less of it so when you SAH you have that valuable time and more freedom to do what you like with it, especially when the kids are at pre school or school and you have time to yourself also. I also don't want to go to work all day then come home and do a load of housework, I would rather do that in the day as my busiest time is 3-8pm. To me, it is wrong that alot of people are judged/defined by their paid work/employee status and I am not much into materialism anyway or competing for bigger houses etc. I haven't lost myself, I am the same person, being at work didn't give me anymore freedom, i felt more of a slave there than I ever do to my kids!!!!!!

Hi, great thread, there are lots of us with no brains left and frustrated minds I think. Similar reasons for us all.

HK78, good point about the hindsight thing. I didn't realise I was doing it, but some days, I get out and somehow find the patience to spend 4x the usual time to do something with DS age 3, mundane things,which shouldn't take long. Later in the day, he and I talk about our busy day (which my frustrated head thinks was slow and, dare I say it, boring) but he tells me with great enjoyment about the cow on the side of the milk bottle, or the frube wrappers 'I put in the bin mummy'. Helps see the chores as something nice to look back on.

I have recently written little things down in a notebook by my bed, at the end of the day. Just one a day(somethimes loads) and this helps ease the feelins of getting nothing new done, and is great to look back on. Mainly nice things, get those rose tinted specs on!

Building memories for us, everyone says how fast it goes and to enjoy it....hmmmmm. I really don't want to feel guilty about not finding this time the most fun in the world, these things certainly help. Gives a chance to look from the outside in again, if that makes any sense to anyone.

I'm not going to trawl through the whole thread so just an answer to the op. I don't understand the whole 'lost my identity' bit. If you feel invisible do something about it. Get a new hairdo, learn something new, start a small business. Also there is no more important job in the world than bringing up a child so there is no such thing as 'only' being a mum.

lightningsal, that is a great idea about the journal. i used to love keeping them in my young, free and single days full of the tortures of falling in love etc., but it would be great to just write a very few things down each day about what we did, or what new thing he learned/ noticed. i will try that. people are always giving me notebooks so must have a few stashed away somewhere!