Calling SAHM's - encouragement please!

[MerryMarigold]

Hi

I've always wanted to be a SAHM - and we wangled our finances so this would be possible. My ds is now 16mo and tbh I am finding it difficult. My dh forgot to get me a mother's day card from him, and this was the last straw as I feel I have no identity other than being a Mum, and yet that is not appreciated.

I don't want to spark a whole argument with mum's who have to/ want to work. But please, remind me, those of you who stay home, just why you do it! And how do you stimulate yourself, and how do you feel valuable and retain some sense of yourSELF?

I would like to know the answer to this too

some days are really crap - i'm not going to disallusion (sp?) you withthat.

I put GMTV on in the mornings so i feel i am keeping up with the world, i try and get out of the house everyday. Some would disagree but i enjoy going to toddler groups, i see the same group of mums at a few of them and feel i have friends of my own now!

Having said that, inbetween DS1 and 2 i felt like you did and found working part time eased it a little, altho i know tahts not for everyone

merry, i'm a sahm and have 8 mo ds. i know what you mean about 'who am i' but actually find coming on here often keeps me going. you probably do too? have you thought about learning something new, just for the fun of it? an old idea i know, but my job was very unstimulating so i did open uni. actually, my job was so unstimulating that being a sahm is intellectually taxing!!!

Make sure there is some time in the week for you, be it the gym/join a book club/ evening classes/hair cut/ massage/some sort of hobby.

Talk to your DH about how you are feeling. They tend to rather take us for granted. Mine was like that so I gave him a gentle reminder, and I get lots of thanks for nice meals and all I do around the house, plus the occasional bunch of flowers just for no reason.

Keep busy, make sure you go out every day, even if it is just for awalk or to the park.

I know it is very hard and a bit like groundhog day everyday but I am grateful that I can spend this precious time with my kids because I'll never get the chance again.

I can bring them up exactly how I want to and give them the best start in life possible.

Thanks guys. Yes ComeOVeneer, I have talked to him and he KNOWS but easily forgets. It all kicked off when I thought about part time work, but realised I'd be earning about 1K a year once I'd paid nursery and travel. I think finally closing the door on work was very difficult.

Nickytwo, I did have a very unstimulating job but I even enjoyed the travel to and fro, and the fact you are at least PAID to do it. Please tell me what you find taxing (except for trying to fit stuff inbetween sleep time and eating times) - maybe I am doing something wrong!

Yes, coming on here makes me feel better! But to do it enough means nothing else ever gets done!

(PS. I realise my name is a little bit ironic right now!)

Thanks nbg. Those are the reasons I wanted to do it. Thanks for the reminder! I do think my ds is very, very secure and therefore quite independent - perhaps it is his character, but I hope it is the result of me being home with him.

It does get easier as they get older. Firstly the acticvities you can do with them get more interesting and a bit more mind stimulating, plus once they start nursery then school you have more time on your hands to do things and time for you.

times do get hard and you can get low. I tried to always see it as a finite amount of time unitl preschool and school come along - you can always plan a few rewards for then. I think the advice about gettting some time for yourself is very important - I neglected this and just felt like a martyr with no one else noticing.

Also build into your days things for you with the children - I used to go to the park then go to the bookshop and try and look at a few things or take them to a coffee shop and get a treat for yourself.

It is hard but it does not go on forever.

This is from the woman who caught sight of her reflection singing 'grand old duke of york' at a singing group and had to resist the urge to collapse on the carpet sobbing 'this isn't me!'

I have always struggled with the whole 'mum' identity thing - some people love it some have to deal with it. I deal with it.

Hang on in there - in just over a year he will be off to Pre-School and you can have the odd morning as time to yourself

"But please, remind me, those of you who stay home, just why you do it!"

• and in answer to this I would like to cite some higher motive, but in all honesty I find being at home quite cushy compared to the trials and tribulations of working for a living!...of and of course I am valuing the time I am spending with my little ones [afterthought emoticon]

Yes, maybe recognising you need to deal with it is the first step, even though i always WANTED to be a Mum and thought i would adore it! but i don't want to be a borderline depressed mum for the rest of my life.

I think it's important to invest in yourself as other than 'just a mum'. When I say 'just a mum' I don't mean 'just' because it's a massive role. It's also a role that is so demanding, can be downright dull and isolating too. Not every day is packed with moments to treasure! And when you're exhausted, it's really hard to feel good about what you do sometimes.

I do it because I feel like it's best for my child(ren) to have someone consistently around full time. But then soon enough, they''ll be off to school and I'll be able to do other stuff, like earn some much needed money!

I'm a part time student again with a 23 month old son and one on the way in three weeks (eeek). I find that this gives me enough stimulation and future prospects and keeps me going.

Is there anything that interests you that you could start preparing for once your child(ren) have gone to school? Any career you fancy or anything like that? You could do some gentle groundwork now like reading the odd book about it, internet research etc.

merrymarigold
I'm in a rush so forgive haste!

I found it very difficult to find my identity as a SAHM - someone's mother, someone's wife - felt invisible and status-free.

From what I've seen and experienced it can take a long time for some of us to find our feet and happiness in this role. Be patient with yourself if you can it's a massive psychol. change.

Success is to do with your immediate support network - build one asap! they don't have to be mates for life but it's far too lonely a job to do in isolation!

Build up extracurricular activities - whatever you can manage that don't involve dh and ds. This will build your sense of self inevitably. Even once a week or fortnight, cinema with a mate, gym, swim whatever something away from them.

better run - it does get easier and it's hard to admit it when everyone thinks you're so lucky not to be working. great but LONELY!!!!!!!!

Hi MerryMarigold, I've been a SAHM for over 5 years now and the reason I do it is I think (or thought ) it the best thing for my DCs. It is starting to get me down though so I am currently arranging 2 afternoon's a week when I go and do something completely un-motherly and without them. Something wildly decadent and reminiscent of my former life like Pilates

hiya, very happy to be SAHM!!

Def agree that it's critical to get out of the house every day and at least once a week get someone to look after LO (I do half a day at nursery a week but you could also consider a sitting circle or posting an ad for such light childcare at your local post office). I use my afternoon a week to indulge in whatever -- coffee and a mag, manicure, extended shop, reading intellectual things without interruption, planning special gifts or dinners, etc etc.

Consider finding exercise classes with creche in your area. I hope to get back into running after babymaking is out of the way and it's enormously mood lifting.

Perhaps it's just been a hard day/week - we all get those. And it will take some time & pondering to figure out what to do now - after prioritising the job, or DH, or the baby, it can be difficult to remember how to think of what YOU want!

For waht it's worth, I had v similar feelings to you when pg with DS1 and had to give up work early due to major pg sickness. I needed medication in the end for prenatal dep and a few counselling sessions - is it something you considered? I used to be very job-focused so it was scary to leave it, but in fact that job didn't make me truly happy at all. Best thing that ever happened to me was being 'forced' to leave it!

So what do I do now with my fancy degrees? Well I've made loads of wonderful friends via DS, and I'm pg again, so that's me occupied . After this one comes, I'll be starting pottery or painting or maybe cooking classes, because these are things that personally make me happy. Whatever I do, you can bet it won't involve schlepping into a job to work for someone else!! Those days are OVER!

The very best thing about SAH? Getting all the smiles and giggles. Better than a sodding few quid a month after childcare if you ask me! And wait till they can talk...

Oh and my other tip - ignore those who say things like "only" a mum or "just" a SAHM and actively cultivate friendships and surround yourself with people who are happy supporting their families this way.

E.g. if I listened to my old boss I'd be sat here believing that I was good for nothing and a waste of space because I don't wear pinstripe and read FT anymore. Whatever!

Although I hate to admit it to myself, becoming more organised has made being a SAHM easier for me. I have certain housework things that I do on certain days and then I can think 'Sod it!' and take the rest of the day to do stuff with the children. And by 'stuff' I mean lazing around watching CBeebies together as well as the slightly more active things!
It has taken me 4 years and a lot of heartache/soul-searching to get here though.

Agree with others about getting out and about as much as possible, preferably on foot. Its amazing the people you meet walking dogs, shopping, wandering round the park, etc.

I was a part-time CM, but have gradually been giving that up (I still do some after school stuff) and am now effectively a SAHM - although I do the books for DP's self-employed stuff. As to why I'm a SAHM - I worked full-time when my oldest 2 were little and hated it - I know most working mothers can and do make quality time with their kids but I was rubbish at it - always too knackered and I think we all missed out. There was no financial alternative then, and there is now - I'm lucky I have the choice. Kids are all at school now, but youngest 2 have SN so there are always appointments with therapists etc. There are days I'm bored silly, and I do understand the "having no identity" feelings - it's like we are here to facilitate other people having lives, rather than having a life of our own. But I do other stuff for myself - I'm a school governor, which means evening meetings so I actually spend time thinking about something other than the domestics, I'm a parent helper at school (not an option for OP, obviously!). Pre-school days I was involved in the running of the Toddler Group. It all feels a bit like "charitable good works by a lady who lunches", but I am (now) content with being a SAHM. You do have to make a real effort to find something else that interests you outside the home or you will lose all sense of identity, but if you can do that it can feel very rewarding.

This no 'identity feeling' that some of you mention. Surely that is not remedied by simply being a WOHM rather than being a SAHM - identity isn't all wrapped up in terms of what salaried work one does (or doesn't do)?

it is hard, and the good things you can take for granted, hearing your child sing, all those smiles and cuddles, knowing that YOU are there for them, the comfort your child gets from that is not quantifiable

being a sahm is not always fun but what you are doing is the best thing you can do for your child...

saying that I am always dreaming of that part-time job that is well paid, has great hours and gives me an escape from feeling like a drudge...

having good friends and some time that is for you, going out in the evening, meeting up with friends, during the day with your dc and at night without, whatever you can manage to get to do something that is fun for you too, it helps keep you sane and maybe makes time spent doing the mundane stuff more bearable?

at least you know you are not alone

No, but I think the lack of identity I felt was to do with lack of earning power - and yes, I know how much it would cost DP to replace me in terms of childcare, cooking etc etc, but the fact remains I have no independent source of income - and that, for me at least, has an impact on my sense of identity.

exactly! it's not the job which makes us who we are, it just gives us a convenient label and keeps us busy (albeit paid). Much tougher to think of who we really are and want. But much much more worthwhile!!

Oh dear all getting a bit philosophical now isn't it

Hassled, maybe you could solve the spending power problem by doing something like having a chunk of the joint earnings (from DH obv) set aside to a different bank account for you each month, which you get to spend however you want? (base it on current nanny rates if you like - you should have enough for some gorgeous LK Bennett outfits or exotic garden tools or whatever...)

I don't think the working necessarily gives you identity, but it helps you to build it. It gives you enough freedom to be yourself a bit more - whether this be reading on the tube, noticing what people are wearing, looking at adverts and just being aware of what's going on and then being able to have opinions on it. The lack of identity is probably as much to do with being lonely as anything else. And being appreciated - both by being paid, and by your work being noticed, is a definite boost to self worth.

I left my son with my mum from Monday pm to today and everyone was asking: what will you do with your time? Tbh, I hadn't even thought about it. I did it a) to give my husband some peace & quiet to revise for an exam and b) to give my dad and gran (who can't come here) some quality time with my ds. What I could do with all that time for myself hadn't even entered my head!