Calling SAHM's - encouragement please!

[MerryMarigold]

Hi

I've always wanted to be a SAHM - and we wangled our finances so this would be possible. My ds is now 16mo and tbh I am finding it difficult. My dh forgot to get me a mother's day card from him, and this was the last straw as I feel I have no identity other than being a Mum, and yet that is not appreciated.

I don't want to spark a whole argument with mum's who have to/ want to work. But please, remind me, those of you who stay home, just why you do it! And how do you stimulate yourself, and how do you feel valuable and retain some sense of yourSELF?

Have been reading this thread as I have been a SAHM for 7.5 years now and often struggle the same as the OP. However, I thought it interesting that notsolilkel assumes that everybody is well off enough to get their DH to allocate them a spending budget to spend on LK Bennett clothes etc.

Whilst obviously only a small part of the issue I think if you have money to spend on a few treats for yourself it does help being at home much easier. I have gone from being absolutely broke to now being reasonably well off - it means if I am feeling fed up I can go off to the nearest shopping centre for a look around and treat myself, I can go to the garden centre and have a coffee etc. I got down going into shops with gorgeous baby things and having to walk out without buying a thing, not as a treat for me but as a rare treat for my DS.

Before, I really was stuck at home or going to the park. When your friends are going out for a night out and you are sressed because you know you shouldn't be going that it really it not much fun. And yes, to point out, we were broke mainly due to me giving up work to be a SAHM.

Maybe it is shallow, but I think to be a SAHM when you are financially hard up is much harder than when you have spare cash!

Maybe it is shallow, but I think to be a SAHM when you are financially hard up is much harder than when you have spare cash!
By MerryMarigold on Wed 21-Mar-07 11:34:02

I agree, quite sure that this must be the case....

I never wanted to be a SAHM but ended up this way.

hmc, I think your question about the identity is interesting - I think a lot of my identity was tied up to the work I was doing, largely because that was what made up the majority of my life for almost 9 years before I had kids. Yes, I had friends outside work and did other things but most of my time/thinking space was taken up with work/work people and so I think, a large part of my identity was just that.

Also, I had a project based job where I had to work to deadlines and got very used to living life 'achieving' set targets and earning a salary.

You suddenly take all that away, having lived it for years and it does feel strange. I'm a relatively self sufficient person and don't find it hard to make friends so I'm lucky that I've never suffered from loneliness, but I can very much relate to the 'not feeling valuable' despite the fact that I had a supportive (of me being at home) dh.

I don't know what to suggest really - some people suggest doing a course that you are interested in, I would agree with the 'get out a lot' bits and once your child is older, you can help out at school/pre-school if you like or volunteer your time elsewhere.

But I do think there are some people who are just not suited to being at home and you may find that you are one of them. There's nothing wrong with that and it may be that you find £1k take home a year is not so bad if it means you feel better about yourself iyswim.

When they are 16months, it's still very hard though and if you want to stick it out, you'll probably find it gets easier as you start getting more time to yourself and can actually DO things without having a small child attached to your leg (and I don't mean those snatched days where you arrange childcare - but once they start at school/pre-school, and you have a regular slot each day where you can do what you want).

For me it's been important to find sahms in my area that I get on well with so that I can always escape if it's a wet day and I'm feeling hemmed in.
Dd and ds are in school so my mornings are free. I'm a pt wahm so that's when I work. It's definitely easier when they're older and you're carting them round to friends houses or activities.
I also go out with the girls on the last Thursday of every month which at least gets me out of my comfy clothes.

So the question of why I do it?

I suppose because it's easier. I don't want to have to work my ass off to pay for childcare and I'm pretty good at surviving on very little money. I'm sure dd and ds would be perfectly happy in childcare, in fact dd's always looking longingly at the Afterschool and begging if she can go , but why have her there when she can be helping me clear the dishwasher at home

Would you try and evening class one evening a week local to you? my mum and I and a friend did a pottery class last year and it was a great laugh. We're planning a photography class this year.

just to clarify - didn't mean to offend - from what I gathered the question came from someone who had at least a tiny bit of spare cash on hand. The LK Bennett comment was meant in jest - or at least in a hopefully-sort-of-jesting-maybe-realistic-if-you-are-lucky kind of way. Sorry for coming across as though everyone has buckets of cash.

Going without the luxuries def makes SAHM'hood harder than it should be! (though IMHO a daily train & tube ride with grumpy fellow commuters is a 'luxury' I gladly do without now )

Completely agree that not having spare cash makes the whole thing harder. I am a SAHM to a 3yo and a 9mo and I find it really hard to find outings that don't involve spending money. This is not helped by the fact that I live in France and there are fewer activities here for mums and kids than there are in the UK (no mums and toddlers groups and very few parks). Also means that when I do get a bit of time to myself I'm also a little stuck trying to find things to treat myself that don't cost money. Mmm maybe I'm just not very resourceful...

I'm another one who finds it hard and quite lonely being at home but am also glad to be doing it. How on earth did mums manage before the internet existed??

agree with nbg - youll never get the chance again to be at home with your lo's

imo having your mum full time at home with you while you are very small (ie til age 5 or thereabouts) makes you a strong independent settled content human being
PLEASE NOTE THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION FROM EXPERIENCE before anyone jumps on me

you can feel happy you did what was best for them in the early years

to get through it, think of lo's as a project - set tasks and have military type organisational skills

also spend as much time as is humanly possible on yourself - i go to the gym in the evening (sometimes at 11pm) and although motivation is hard, once you do it you are so glad you did

at weekends dont feel guilty going out all day with friends or alone. dont feel guilty spending 'his' money.

and it DOES get easier as they get older. even little things like they can put their own shoes on when venturing out is a huge plus

OMG the gym at 11pm. You are my new hero.

your ds is just entering a really, really wonderful stage. He will be learning to talk and will begin to do all sorts of amazing new things. He will start to walk (if he isn't already), run, jump, swim. You will really start to be able to interact with him on a different level. He will want to play games with you, help you cook and bake, play with playdough, paint and draw. You may be doing some of this already but between 18mo-2yr they just blossom and are so much fun to be around (most of the time)- you would really miss that if you were not at home with him.

yes i agree with soph about age 18mths to 2yrs

my favourite age of lo's

Hi Merry. You could be me writing the OP. I chose to be a SAHM because after 16 years of working I felt I needed a change and also (naievely) I had no idea how hard it would be. When I just had DD it was easy as she was an easy baby and getting out and about with one was no problem but DS has been a lot harder work and the logistics of everything aren't doubled, they are 10 times as hard.

I remain a SAHM because DH and I believe in bringing our kids up ourselves. I'm sure they would be fine in nursery but I do feel it's my 'job' to teach them the fundamentals in life.

Stimulate myself???? Hmmmmm. There are days when I could scream. People will no doubt ask why I don't go back to work even part time but hey is that the solution??? Should I have to resort to that just to have time away from the kids. Gettin out and about is key. I am crap at this but I do always feel better if I've done something, even if it's just a walk to the post box. Yes there are occasions when even this is a nightmare with one toddler screaming that they are tired whilst the other is chucking their milk out the buggy and the wind is threatening to blow us all away.

There will be posters who come on this thread and start up the great debate. Some may even say we are lazy slouch abouts who contribute nothing to the economy (parenting doesn't lend itself well to being easily measured does it) and I get really cheesed off at such comments because that only adds to the feeling of being undervalued.

The Govt. does little to change that. If I went to work as well as earning a wage, I'd be contributing to national insurance payments for my pension and I also get working tax credit to help but if I stay at home I get none of the above. Is it any wonder we feel undervalued.

Making friends is great if you can find some. It's difficult to do so though, a) because you have to find people that you'd have something in common with other than your kids and b) there are less SAHMs around than there were years ago. I have managed to make 2 friends in 3.5 years. At our toddler group everyone else was a childminder or a gran.

Stick in there, mumsnet is also a great release

(I've also forgotten how to spell )

I actually disagree that not having money makes it harder. Why do you always have to spend money? Before I went back to work part-time, I would just go to the local parks, go for long walks, walk round shopping centre, visit the library and not spend a penny.

I think the OP needs to find something that interest her and immerse herself into it. DH and I have no family or friends nearby so I was on my own most of the time. I was at home for 7 months with my DTS before I went back to work part-time and some of the things that I did included

perfecting my culinary skills - used a Delia book
listened to R4 - I learnt so much
knitting
crocheting
sewing (made a skirt suit/curtains)
reading
started a homestudy programming course
gardening
exercising to DVDs

Another important thing that I did was to think a lot about where I personally wanted to be in the next 5 years in terms of goals/achievements, identified the gaps that prevented me from achieving some of those things and started taking steps to enable them to happen.

I think that is the key. Identify what you want personally from your life and then start taking the necessary steps to achieve it.

Good luck!

I left work 5 years ago and at first it was difficult, but I never regretted it and get great satisfaction from knowing that I can raise my kids my way. But, and its a very big but, before I left work I promised myself I would get a piano as I had played as a child and give it another go. I did and now I've worked my way through my exams and am teaching in the evenings. It takes alot of determination and organising but having something solely for yourself is in my opinion absolutely essential. I've also taken up dancing again and when
I think back to how little time/energy/desire I had for anything when I was working I wouldn't swap my life now for quids. And I have 3dc who have lovely manners...

Hi - I would agree with the others on here saying that getting out and about is the key - I started with a postnatal group but soon branched out to helping with a mothers and toddlers group, going to a bible group (became a christian when ds was 10 months old - too much of a miracle to just 'appear' for no reason if you see what I mean!) seeing two different friends on other days of the week and now that the kids are a bit older I have 'nursery' friends, 'school' friends, ballet, swimming etc friends and also am heavily involved in ds school fundraising - it's a bit manic actually....but great! I feel seriously delighted that I know why each child is in a good, bad mood, pooping or not etc. BECAUSE I know what they've done all day - I've been there with them (pretty much) I am looking forward to going back to work once dd2 is at school (a couple more years yet) but am making the most of this bit - even though it's seriously BORING sometimes!!!lol

speedymama - try walking round a shopping centre with a 4 yr old and 2 yr old and not spending any money

Working a few hours a week in the evenings & doing an OU course helps me feel like I've got something other than children going on in my life. Also regular nights/days out with friends minus children. I love being a SAHM, would take me forever to tell you why. Of course there are negatives but thats life! Enjoy it while it lasts is my advice. Mind you I didn't get anything for mothers day either...!?

its very hard job and loss of id etc..does seem to be part of it..
..at 16 months though the dark long days of just feeding and cleaning them up are gone imo..and its much more fun...
get local info parks, farms, museums, places to go that are not so busy during week..toddler groups are good but can take a bit to 'fit in' but they can run off steam there...
i try and be as organised as poss..get them to help around the home cook, hoover, toy iron etc...

and pre-school is not far away either as others said..

and rememeber we all HATE our jobs whatever they are, from time to time...

its too precious to miss out on though..the fun will come...its just that its all up to you...good luck

Yes, and our library has a fab cafe that we can't pass too

Nailpolish, I walked round Bluewater with my 3yo twin boys on a Saturday when DH was working away and did not spend a penny. Took a pack lunch to feed them.

not like my 4yr old dd then

"oh mummy can i have some new hair clasps"
"oh mummy look at that lovely bag"
"oh mummy i really like that new my little pony"

i am so weak...

My boys are only interested in walking and running around, they hate shopping.

dd1's eyes would pop out if she went to a fantastic shopping centre like Bluewater

shall we swap for a day??

Thanks so much for all this, I do really appreciate it. I will have to read it several times over. I do try and get out once a day. However, I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so my level of activity has to be 'paced' and I don't think academic courses/ gym etc. are realistic for me. Maybe a pottery class though! And definitely trying to arrange a few more things with friends. 3sEnough, I am a christian too, and go to church on Fri and Sun, but very few of the Mums are SAHM, so doesn't help much during the week.

Regarding the money thing, well I could afford a coffee out, but my ds will certainly not sit in a pushchair and go round shops for more than 45 mins (max) and it would have to be 'window shopping' anyway. I do think money helps a bit, as it is a quick fix to feel better if you spend some, but in my opnion the 'high' does not last very long! Speedymama, how have you trained your boys to shop? If you want to look at anything you do have to STOP occasionally, and this is what he can't handle.

I do forget how much I am getting to know about my ds, and how much I can enjoy these years which I know will fly by. Needed the reminder.

Hi Merry Marigold - glad you have found some help here. I just wanted to sympathise. Also is CFS the same as ME? If so, a friend of mine had ME and she has found NLP(neuro linguistic programming) training to be enormously beneficial. Just wanted to pass that on.

Yes, CFS is ME. I have had Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Physiotherapy which have both been helpful, but am still not 100%.