It's a weird world out there... and it makes me sad sometimes

[frustratedattimes]

I normally post under another name, but am too much of a coward to write this under my normal name, also I don't want to be recognized in case people from RL read this.
I get so sad and frustrated at the world and how babies are treated sometimes. I know someone who will put her baby daughter in a room as far away from her own bedroom at night as possible, and then shut all the doors, because she doesn't want to be woken up at night. This goes on night after night for months, the baby has been put in this room all by herself near enough every night for the last six months (now a year old). When this mother talks about this a toddler group nobody bats an eyelid, it seems perfectly acceptable, some mums even join in with their own stories how they got 'tough' with their babies. But I know that if I said to people that I co-sleep with both my children, who are 3 and 1, then all I could hope for would be silence, but certainly not understanding comments...
I offered one of the mums I know that she could have my ring sling when her baby is born, because I found it such a godsend when I had my second child, but she said she wanted the child to learn to be put down asap...when people saw me carrying my youngest in the sling they said 'what a good idea', but they all said 'Oh, I wouldn't do that... they get too used to being carried around... would be too heavy..
Another mum I know will not breastfeed at all, not even for 24 hours, because she doesn't want to, full stop. Fair enough. But I keep being asked when I'll finally stop feeding my youngest, and I know that I will get more and more strange looks now if I feed in public, even though the WHO recommends feeding up to 2 years and beyond...
I am willing, I really am, to live and let live. The mums I talked about are my friends, I have never openly criticized them and I wouldn't want to, because I know they are good mothers, better than me in many ways. But I am just baffled why it's so widely accepted and acceptable to be 'tough' with your child/baby, while you're made to feel an outsider if you choose to be 'soft'.

my dd sleeps with me she is 2 anmd a half and she has allways slept with me and people allways look at me as if im mad its just the way people are its wierd i no

I'm another softie... well, mostly. Be proud of who/how you are, frustated. The other mums you know may very well end up reaping as they sowed. But it's amazing how many people co-sleep, you might be surprised. Whenever I talk about our own family experiences of co-sleeping, people come out with it. People I never would have guessed. I have family who are super-conventional in most respects but happen to be huge fans of extended breastfeeding and "the family bed".

And then I know someone with a PhD in a science subject who also refuses to even try breastfeeding. She has diabetes, and br'feeding is would really reduce the risk of her children getting diabetes, but she won't consider it. I can't begin to understand, either.

Two serious questions about co-sleeping...how do you get any room? My dd amazingly manages to take up the whole bed. And how do you have sex? (sorry, hope that's not too personal). I always thought I would co-sleep with dd but she has never really liked sleeping in our bed (except when a really young bub).

I carried her in a sling for ages and ages though. Both loved it.

I don't see the problem frankly - we're all different and if people want to be tough, let them!

That is exactly the point, Elizabeth - I DO let them, but if I choose to be soft then I'm the one who is made to feel weird and abnormal!

Why must sexual acts be confined to the marital bed?
Actually, DH is the big fan of co-sleeping. And we try to start the night with kids in their own beds, but they often wander in later on. DH just shoves the kids out of the way when necessary.
I don't like bed sharing with anybody... but my space is invaded by small people all day, so no wonder I want space at night.

Cos the little munchkins are around the rest of the time!

I think a lot of people co-sleep to some extent. And I've never met anyone who puts their baby out of earshot at night. That's awful, IMO.

I'm the opposite, I was made to feel like a bad mother because I hated breast feeding. I did it for 2 weeks but I got re-admitted to hospital and put on morphine so I couldn't. I was fine about it becuase DS fed between 15 and 20 times a day for at least 15 minutes a time. We also had him sleeping in his own room from about a similar age. People have criticised me saying that I'm selfish, neglectful and I don't care about my son. That's not true. He's my world but I just chose to have a little bit of my world for me. If he needs me, I'm always there. I do let him cry but not for long periods of time, sort of controlled crying. Sometimes, I can see he's tired but he won't give in and a quite room with low light and some relaxing music settles him. He's a happy little boy and very independant. He's sociable and will settle for other people, not just me. If that makes me tough then that's what I am. I went to toddler group once and was made to feel like the wicked witch of the west because I work full time and don't have DS in beside me. Also because I never want any more kids.
We're all different. I only do what works for me.

I usually end up with at least one if not sometimes two kids in with me during the night. Dh just gets out and finds an available bed to sleep in if that happens!

Agree that sex doesnt have to be confined to bed. It can be more fun when it isn't imo.

I feel very sorry for the baby girl, it's one thing to want some sleep when you are being disturbed all the time, but it's quite cruel and dangerous to put a baby completely out of earshot IMO.
I can't co-sleep because I am on medicine but would never criticise someone who did. Have very happy childhood memories of all getting into mummy and daddy's bed on a Sunday morning; two girls, two parents, two cats and the Sunday papers!

Mind you, we used to fight not to be on mummy's side as she really didn't appreciate small children climbing all over her early in the morning so guess she wasn't a fan of co-sleeping.

bump

Round my way it's the opposite - everyone seems to take the earth mother approach and anything else would raise eyebrows!
It must depend on where you live!

Where do you live? Maybe I'll move

I think leaving a baby where you can't hear them at night is a really awful thing to do. What if they cry themselves sick, or become sick in the night and need attention? I am a firm believer in co-sleeping, because I get more sleep that way when the babies are small. I don't think that's soft, just good sense. And it doesn't affect our sex life either...obviously, as we have five children.

my mother co slept with me as a baby to a young child we tried but everytime ds came into ourbed he thought great play time or lets wake up daddy time by tapping him on the face or pulling his hair so he sleeps in his cot in our room but when he goes inh is own room his room will be about three feet oppisite our so i will be here the slightest wisper i think i would be terrified to have him out of ear shot because one incase hes ill in the night and two he can be a little monster and try and trash his bedroom like he tried with the living room

People can be strong about their beliefs on both sides of the fence. I wonder if deep down everyone is a little insecure about their parenting choices. Certainly I'm always wondering if someone else's approach is more effective/less damaging than mine. But I think because I recognize my insecurity, I'm not judgmental about what others do. Maybe someone who is less self-aware, or desperately trying to persuade themselves that what they are doing is definitely right is more likley to be judgmental? For example, that woman you know who locks away her child at the far end of the house. . .she must feel SOME guilt/ambivalence at SOME level. Maybe that's why she'd be likely to react so strongly to your co-sleeping arrangement? Because it would force her to question her own arrangment? So in a backwards way they may not really be judging you, but judging themselves. See what I mean? Just an idea.

I think leaving the baby miles away is awful too ... but then, dd's are nearly 5 and 6, and still sleep with us

Message withdrawn

I put my baby in a room away from me and put ear plugs in.

I dont want to be woken up by him " a-babbaing " at 3 am.

hes fine!

I think as you resent other poeples ideas on slings or dummies( ) you haev to realise that yours will be seen as awful by soem poeple too.

anyway whayt excatly is going to happen att hem at night? ( that you would be able to hear?)

I don't expect everybody around me to find my ways of parenting great, but it would be nice if I wasn't totally alone wherever I turn - in real life, that is.

I'll just never understand why it's okay for adults to prefer company at night, whereas children/babies have to sleep all by themselves.
And with regards to what could happen - I was/am terrified of the SIDS danger up to the age of one, and feel so much better about it having my baby next to me.

oh I like abig double bed all alone!

hello there - I too get very upset when I see/hear similar things. When I had my ds1 I partly made a choice to move to an area which sounds like the one posyhairdresser lives in. Most parents I know breastfeed/co-sleep/home educate or are interested in alternative education. I remember before ds1 was born I was completely ignorant and bought cot/plastic toys etc. It was only as ds1 was born that I began to question all the rubbish we are told to buy from the baby magazines. We live in such a synthetic world where we are taught to believe that spending £2000 on a nursery equates with how much you love your baby. I'm not a hippy - it was when I read the 'Continuum Concept'that changed everything - such a powerful book on the yequana tribe and why their babies don't cry. It is the baby shops that need the parents and the babies not the other way around! When people are asking you when you are going to stop feeding they are jealous, my mum didn't feed me and she was brought up to believe powdered milk was superior! We really have only one chance to get it right. You are not being soft - you are being LOVING. and what lucky children for having such a strong, intelligent, caring mummy