It's a weird world out there... and it makes me sad sometimes

[frustratedattimes]

I normally post under another name, but am too much of a coward to write this under my normal name, also I don't want to be recognized in case people from RL read this.
I get so sad and frustrated at the world and how babies are treated sometimes. I know someone who will put her baby daughter in a room as far away from her own bedroom at night as possible, and then shut all the doors, because she doesn't want to be woken up at night. This goes on night after night for months, the baby has been put in this room all by herself near enough every night for the last six months (now a year old). When this mother talks about this a toddler group nobody bats an eyelid, it seems perfectly acceptable, some mums even join in with their own stories how they got 'tough' with their babies. But I know that if I said to people that I co-sleep with both my children, who are 3 and 1, then all I could hope for would be silence, but certainly not understanding comments...
I offered one of the mums I know that she could have my ring sling when her baby is born, because I found it such a godsend when I had my second child, but she said she wanted the child to learn to be put down asap...when people saw me carrying my youngest in the sling they said 'what a good idea', but they all said 'Oh, I wouldn't do that... they get too used to being carried around... would be too heavy..
Another mum I know will not breastfeed at all, not even for 24 hours, because she doesn't want to, full stop. Fair enough. But I keep being asked when I'll finally stop feeding my youngest, and I know that I will get more and more strange looks now if I feed in public, even though the WHO recommends feeding up to 2 years and beyond...
I am willing, I really am, to live and let live. The mums I talked about are my friends, I have never openly criticized them and I wouldn't want to, because I know they are good mothers, better than me in many ways. But I am just baffled why it's so widely accepted and acceptable to be 'tough' with your child/baby, while you're made to feel an outsider if you choose to be 'soft'.

My DD1 is nearly 4 and we still have a monitor in her room for when we are downstairs during the evening. I am quite strict about bedtime routines ie what time they go to bed, staying in their own room but was never very good about doing controlled crying - prefer to go in and give dummy/milk. I would hate them to wake up scared/ill and think we weren't there for them.

That really is a chilling story, maisystar.

This thread has made me really annoyed - not blaming you frustrated, but I really really feel that people do what works for them. My SIL said a really wise thing once, which is that the people who know most about bringing up children are women pregnant with their first child - i.e. you can have all your principles, but in actual fact your child may well have other ideas.

Yes co-sleeping works really well for some people. I could NOT have done it at all - that doesn't make me less of a mother in anyway. Just like I don't believe I am less worthy because ds was not exclusively b'fed, or more worthy because dd was. I get so fed up of 'this is more earth-mother than this' which I get so much from some of my friends. And I think there is SO much pressure on people to be the 'perfect' parent. The baby books in Waterstones say it all 'Easy guide to being a better mother' 'Be a good parent in 10 easy steps' - it just isn't like that. We just did what we could to get through the days, and hoped we got something right.

Sorry for the rant!

Very interesting thread. I've learnt that it's best not to give any kind of advice unless people specifically ask for it - children and parents are all different and what works for one will not necessarily work for another. Other parents can be very opinionated but let's face it, the best people to take advice from are probably people with grown up children who have the benefit of hindsight. I agree with expatkat that a lot of strong reactions will most certainly be down to insecurity.

Frustrated, I think those people who have said you should seek out other like-minded mums have a point - they're obviously out there judging by the comments on this thread.

this should cheer you up frustrated at times - link to bbc news item on how people especially in developing countries should bf till two - news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3859573.stm

V. interesting that they seem to recommend some bfing even where mums are HIV positive - is this coz no suitable formula is affordable/available to the mums?

I don't think the co-sleeping issue is quite as simple as soft/tough parenting - I would have liked some cosleeping with ds, but the cot death prevention guidance changed quite recently to suggest no cosleeping - had been a bit more relaxed before - fine unless you were extremely tired/drunk/on drugs - so I steered clear for that reason.

Each to their own IMO.

Personally can't abide the thought of sharing bed with dd unless she is ill. Too much squiggling and being punched in the face in the middle of the night. Feel I am better mummy if I have had a decent night's sleep.

I'm with you all the way frustratedattimes. I do feel sometimes like I'm seen as weird but I am very secure in my way of parenting so dont feel am doing wrong.
I also have very supportive dh which makes a difference too. He is far more ap than I am.

Damn, I posted a response to your bf in developing countries post, mummytosteven and it's disappeared. Probably due to my crappy connection. I'm pretty sure that it is suggested that bf'ing should continue for as long as possible, even in areas of high HIV+ rates because the water, general hygiene and education levels are so appalling that the risks from formula is greater than that of breastmilk. That's before you factor in the high costs and low availability issues.

I'm going to stick my nect out here and say that I think you are being a bit over-sensitive, frustratedattimes. I can appreciate some of your points but the way they have been put across is a little, dare I say, holier-than-thou. Perhaps it is just because you were ranting and just wanted to get it all off your chest in one big session. Whether you agree with these women or not, they are never going to change their minds. It strikes me as a bit of a waste of energy fretting about it. You keep doing what works for you and yours, and they'll do what works for them and theirs. I have no advice on how to deal with the situation, but perhaps it is just best to come on here and let off steam every now and again.

Sorry if that was rambly and a bit off-piste at times but I'm just guessing.

Totally agree Musica!

I really don't give a jot what other people do with their kids, be it bottle/breast, cosleep/cots, school/home education etc etc - I know my kids better than any expert/book so I do what I feel fits my family. I have NEVER read a parenting book in my life - until this week, when I started reading Paranoid Parenting by Frank Furedi.

As it happens, I ended up sleeping in the early days with DD1 and DS1, purely because I was breastfeeding initially. They always started off in their carry cots but ended up staying the rest of the night because I couldn't be bothered to get out and put them back.

DD2 was a completely different kettle of fish - she hated sleeping in our bed and would scream until we put her back in her carry cot. She also would settle OK in our bedroom but once we went to bed, she would cry. In the end, we moved her into her room next door at about 8 weeks old.

I have never passed comment on other peoples parenting and vice verse.

There is no such thing as "perfect parent" - and I think we all muddle through the best we can with our children - and no one is an "expert" on any child other than our own (which is why I don't "do" parenting books).

I wouldn't worry about what others think - if you're happy and confident in what you're doing than that's all you should be worrying about. My kids are almost 5, 7 and 9 and I've always tried to do my best through their baby/toddlerhood and I think I did a pretty good job. My kids seem to think so when DD1 made me a card yesterday "for the bestest mummy in the world" - so that's all that matters to me

Good post slinky, perhaps that's how I should've worded mine !

I could not have done the co-sleeping thing either, but I don't agree with putting a baby somewhere where it can't be heard during the night. What if something happened?? I absolutely hated being woken up at night too but it didn't last for very long, I did controlled crying with ds and he soon learnt he wasn't going to get much attention during the night unless it was absolutely necessary. BUT this was when he was around three months old and had put on loads of weight (a lot more than expected), so I knew he was thriving health-wise. Even now that he's 4 yrs old, I leave the monitor on at night because he sleeps at the other end of our house and I want to be able to hear him if need be. As stripey said, my ds also sleeps in the dark with the door shut because I've always done this with him and he's used to it - plus he rarely wakes up at night, so I think the early sleep training has been of some benefit. Some people would probably look down on this too, but it's worked for me.

A friend told me about a woman she knows who wears ear plugs to bed so she can't hear her baby through the night - sorry but I think that's going a bit far, unless of course there's someone else in the house who can attend to them if they wake up. I didn't breast feed either, but I have a very healthy, robust son who's had very little illness compared with a lot of other children his age. I agree with 'each to their own', provided that the parent in question is being sufficiently responsible for their child's welfare.