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Parenting

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Original poster

It's a weird world out there... and it makes me sad sometimes

61 replies

frustratedattimes · 09/07/2004 16:38

I normally post under another name, but am too much of a coward to write this under my normal name, also I don't want to be recognized in case people from RL read this.
I get so sad and frustrated at the world and how babies are treated sometimes. I know someone who will put her baby daughter in a room as far away from her own bedroom at night as possible, and then shut all the doors, because she doesn't want to be woken up at night. This goes on night after night for months, the baby has been put in this room all by herself near enough every night for the last six months (now a year old). When this mother talks about this a toddler group nobody bats an eyelid, it seems perfectly acceptable, some mums even join in with their own stories how they got 'tough' with their babies. But I know that if I said to people that I co-sleep with both my children, who are 3 and 1, then all I could hope for would be silence, but certainly not understanding comments...
I offered one of the mums I know that she could have my ring sling when her baby is born, because I found it such a godsend when I had my second child, but she said she wanted the child to learn to be put down asap...when people saw me carrying my youngest in the sling they said 'what a good idea', but they all said 'Oh, I wouldn't do that... they get too used to being carried around... would be too heavy..
Another mum I know will not breastfeed at all, not even for 24 hours, because she doesn't want to, full stop. Fair enough. But I keep being asked when I'll finally stop feeding my youngest, and I know that I will get more and more strange looks now if I feed in public, even though the WHO recommends feeding up to 2 years and beyond...
I am willing, I really am, to live and let live. The mums I talked about are my friends, I have never openly criticized them and I wouldn't want to, because I know they are good mothers, better than me in many ways. But I am just baffled why it's so widely accepted and acceptable to be 'tough' with your child/baby, while you're made to feel an outsider if you choose to be 'soft'.

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lavender1 · 09/07/2004 22:37

my 8 and 7 1/2 year old sometimes still sleep in bed with dh and I if one of us is away or they are a little upset you can never be too soft imho.

Angeliz · 09/07/2004 22:41

I think that alot of mothers jsut go with the flow and agree with the majority in group situations.
I bet if you got one on their own then she'd agree that the kids toddle in (as mine do), at 5 or 6 or 7 if i'm lucky!
You don't know that all you'd get is silence if you've never discussed it, and the sling comment seemed quite polite too.
I think you just have to be happy with what you do and let others do what they want.
Each to their own.

Original poster

frustratedattimes · 09/07/2004 22:57

Yes, Coddy, but if you need a drink or a cuddle in the night because you had a nightmare then you can go and see your hubby...
whereas your baby will be ignored and can't do anything about it.
Is that fair?

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aloha · 09/07/2004 22:58

My son had a nightmare last night and woke up sobbing. My dh and I both went in to comfort him and after about five minutes of cuddling he was calm and ready for sleep again. I absolutely shudder to imagine how he would have felt if nobody had come when he woke up clearly terrified and panicking. I remember having nightmares myself as a child and how very important it was that someone came to me.

aloha · 09/07/2004 23:00

We still use the monitor at night with him as he is still in a cot and we have the doors shut due to having a cat so I think it is very important I can respond to him quickly. He has also been sick in the night a few times and I've been glad I've been able to go in absolutely immediately when that happened.

mummytosteven · 09/07/2004 23:04

shrub - completely agree with your comments about baby magazine's and nursery - quite why anyone needs to spend £2,000 on a nursery is beyond me. I think baby mags fuel peoples' anxieties about the cost of bringing up a baby.

frustrated at times - does the mum in question with the daughter in room with doors closed have a baby monitor? It is one thing ignoring babbling and the odd squeak, another not wanting to hear or investigate a prolonged crying phase.

shrub · 09/07/2004 23:37

mummytosteven - if only these people knew all they need are 3 babygrows, 2 cardigans, nappies, carseat and a sling. the rest is for the pockets of the baby shops. the greatest gift they can give their children is their time. its all so fleeting - these mums may never realise until its too late
frustratedattimes - have you thought of trying another toddler group? i felt so much better when i found people who were on 'the same page'

codswallop · 09/07/2004 23:39

I didnt want to discuss this really I was trying to say that just as you think whta you do is right so others have different tried and tested methods

obviously I can hear my dsses if there is a real problme at night

Chandra · 09/07/2004 23:49

I didn't like the idea of co-sleeping, not because I judge the people who co-sleep but because I fell asleep once on top of DS and a second one I found him under the covers at the feet of our bed, as a consequence I thought he had far more chances of dying of SIDS in our bed than in his cot, if he had been a bit more static and moved less probably things would have been very different.
He sleeps also in his own room since he was 3 weeks (we have a monitor) and I also get many comments from other mothers who co -sleep that are not exactly nice. I just wish that people could understand that there are different styles of parenting and what could work for one could be awful for another one and visceversa, the fact that the parenting styles are different doesn't mean that one is wrong. Do what works for you, you don't need to please other people, but be fair on them as well, they don't need to be judged by you either.

Original poster

frustratedattimes · 09/07/2004 23:49

The baby is specifically put away as far as possible in the house so that she won't be heard.
And I've been to many many groups, but around here nobody seems to be like me.
What really makes me sad is the case of one woman for example who was exhausted because her daughter woke up so often - I told her about co-sleeping and how lovely it was etc. A couple of months later she let her daughter 'cry it out' all the way...

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codswallop · 09/07/2004 23:50

yes well you will find thousands of threasds on here about htat

mummytosteven · 09/07/2004 23:52

shrub - not convinced i could have managed on 3 babygros - but then again ds was both sicky and had a talent for weeing everywhere for the first few months when nappy changing(!) (and he was in hospital 8 days then a further three with jaundice) thus making a quick laundry run impossible... however t-shirts are a complete and utter waste for a newborn (hint to anyone buying pressies for a new mum!). But the basics for a baby are something to wear, something to eat and somewhere to sleep. Colour coordinated nappy stackers (why can't you just take them out of the packet) and chests of drawers costing several hundred pounds are a bit of an optional extra!

shrub · 09/07/2004 23:55

frustatedattimes - have you got a montessori/steiner/human scale (small school) near you. 'musikgarten' is another good group(music for toddlers based on montessori). where are you?

shrub · 09/07/2004 23:59

mummytosteven- yep i think i've got carried away with the 3 babygrows plus they grow out of them so quickly but you get my drift?

tamum · 10/07/2004 00:03

Yes, I agree with you in principle shrub but having had a ds who could get through 6 babygros in one day without batting an eyelid I'd have spent my life at the kitchen sink if I'd only bought 3

Frustratedattimes, you just have to keep on believing that you're doing what's right for you and your children. I think expatkat is right, there's almost certainly guilt involved in some of the responses you are getting. Chin up!

mummytosteven · 10/07/2004 00:03

i did believe the books tho that said you just needed to pack 3 babygros in the hospital bag .

daisy1999 · 10/07/2004 00:05

Yes mummytosteven that was a misprint, later editions amended to 30+

Original poster

frustratedattimes · 10/07/2004 00:20

Most of the time I'm okay, but it would just be nice sometimes to know a like-minded person in real life to talk to - but I fear that if I talked about my specific 'soft' problems, people would just think 'Well, you brought this onto yourself, so what do you expect?'
It just baffles me because emotionally I COULD NOT DO the tough approach at all, and it's so strange to think that other people respond so differently to their babies.

OP posts:

Chandra · 10/07/2004 00:34

Frustratedattimes, you should move to my area... can I move to yours?. I really understand what you mean, I have stoped going to my baby group because I was ever embarrased of expressing my points of view, I got a very easy baby who is very happy with GF routines so, when everybody complained about how bad they were sleeping I just felt like disapearing in the air before somebody could ask how long he was sleeping (almost all night) and blame it on my horrible methods. I felt such a nerd... quite uncomfortable, honest!

aloha · 10/07/2004 00:52

I have to say, I had a baby who didn't sleep through AT ALL and I never got any disapproving comments from anyone. I think the people whose babies did sleep through were slightly embarrassed that they were so lucky tbh. I had one friend with a baby the same age who was exactly the same re sleeping (and, amazingly, slept through eventually at exactly the same age) and we clung to each other. she was a very laid back mum, cosleeper (I think) and everything, but she still didn't get any sleep. I have one 'you are making a rod for your own back' friend, who strongly disapproves of my ds still having a high chair (bizarrely disapproving IMO!), but she had to lie down with her daughter every single night while she went to sleep and I never said a word about it. Don't take it personally (and believe me, that's easier to say than do )

Jimjams · 10/07/2004 01:04

What's the problem with having a high chair? I liked the continuum concept, bit of a corss between earth mum and victorian mum myself, but I cannot being to imagine the problem with a highchair???

Chandra · 10/07/2004 01:07

A highchair??? we have had people telling us that it's bad to have a cot as the best to develop baby's mobility is a wooden channel around our bed(???) but a highchair???

frogs · 10/07/2004 01:10

But babies are very different too, and have different personalities and needs.

I used to fall asleep while feeding ds in bed, and wake up in the morning with him tucked up between us -- it was lovely and cosy.

But with dd2 I'd fall asleep feeding and be woken up 20 minutes later by her lying there with her eyes open kicking and wriggling, and looking at me in a "Well, when are you going to put me back in my basket?" kind of way. So I'd put her back in the basket and she'd crash out straight away.

6 months later she's still a sucker for routine, and is only really happy to sleep in her cot on her own.

maisystar · 10/07/2004 01:21

i have a friend who's dd is now 5. when she was 18 mnths old my friend woke in the night and could hear a very faint quiet coughing sound coming from her daughters room. she got up to investigate and found her daughter choking on her own vomit. she still has nightmares about it and i feel cold as i am writing this.

i am not saying children shouldnot sleep in their own rooms but parents should be able to easily hear them.

stripey · 10/07/2004 01:39

I wouldnt be so concerned about what others think of your choices if I were you, let them do what makes them feel comfortable and do what you believe is best for you and your child.

Personally I couldn't sleep a wink if I had one of mine in bed with me and I also wear earplugs but it is just my way of getting a good nights sleep which I need to functon (I can hear through them anyway!). Unless this person lives in a huge house I doubt she wouldn't hear the baby if she cried.

I would never critise or make somebody feel bad if the told me the co-slept, bf for years etc I would just think wow I could NEVER do that. My cousin has a 7 and 3 year old (3 yr old still bottle fed even at night quite often) has a dummy all day and she has now resorted to letting her son and daughter sleep in her double bed just to get some sleep, her husband sleeps in the daughters room and she will often sleep in the double with to 2 kids. If the wake at 4am she gets up with them etc it is something she is comfortable with as she has never felt able to 'get tough' with them. I on the other hand closed my almost 2 yr olds door when ds2 was due and sat outside for an hour saying go to sleep while he bashed it. My parents who were staying at the time said I was cruel etc but I just did what I had to do to cope with a new baby and toddler and have no regrets at all. Now both my children go to bed in their own room in the dark with doors closed at 7.30 each night and never ask to come into our room. It is now what everybody would do but if somebody critised me I really wouldn't care at all.

Sorry for rambling.

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