Okay so sorry in advance this is going to be a long one. Bit of back up story, I'm a very young mother, 18 to be precise. When I fell pregnant with my now five month old, I wasn't in a relationship.. we were just having sex, I was on the pill but made me mistake of not using a condom so fell pregnant. To make it worse when I fell pregnant, my baby's father went 'away'. I don't want to go into detail but I'm sure you can guess, I found out I was pregnant a day later & let him know through a letter, he said to me he would be away for a while and personally he thinks it would be wrong to have an abortion, although if I did it was my choice and he wouldn't be upset with me. When I found out I was pregnant I was quite far along and initially I was going to get an abortion. I even made an appointment, I went to the consultation and they explained to me the procedure (suction). I was so frightened. I spoke to a councilor also and we weighed out everything, I kinda wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it or not. While I left there I was given a leaflet by some protesters outside, I read my baby already had a heartbeat,at that moment i couldn't go through with it. Understand I'm not saying abortion is wrong at all because I think you have to be very strong and brave to have one. I'm weak. I told my baby's dad he called me, he wasn't mad..he seemed okay about it all. He's 'away' for another couple of years. Yes I said years. While I was pregnant we decided to make a go of things, it sounds ridiculous but in my heart I was trying to do the best for my unborn child, we would speak everyday on the phone at night,text all day..I had a stressful pregnancy, he was there for me emotionally for those three months & I would say I feel in love with him. Deep in love. One day it all went wrong and he basically told me he had started talking to an ex girlfriend of 6 years and he wanted to be with her even though they had been broken up quite long. I was heartbroken, I ended up speaking to her on the phone, she told me she wouldn't get back with him and she didn't want to be with him, as she doesnt want to ruin a family, that didn't change the fact he wanted to be with her and not me. The rest of my pregnancy was very bad from then on i spent a month in hospital, my anxiety got so bad and I honestly blame it on having a broken heart. We stopped talking after he told me he wanted to be with her, within a month we had started talking again and he confirmed they was back together. I was heartbroken all over again. So fast forward now, my baby is five months old and he is still with this girl even though he is away, she's waiting for him. We talk maybe every other day on the phone for a couple of hours, just as friends and it kills me because I feel like I'm falling for him all over again. Breaks my heart one day he could have children with this girl, my daughter will be a sibling of their future children. I hold some resentment to her, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it, she came in and ruined my little family without a care in the world. I know it's all his fault, I don't know what to do, when I speak to him I feel myself loving him all over again even though I've been put through so much, I know. Pathetic, please don't judge me for having my baby in this situation. Its really crazy but she is loved and when her dad is back she will build a relationship with him. I don't know what I really wanna say, I just don't know how to get over him...he's virtually my first love. I'm just so heartbroken