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Parenting

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Original poster

Disagree with partners parenting technique

12 replies

Kitty399 · 12/04/2017 13:41

My LO is a little over three months, he's about 13-14 weeks old now and my partner wants me to let him cry it out.

I strongly disagree with this and spend more time with LO than my partner, I already know he's to little to be spoiled and cry it out, I know that if he whines he's tired and flicking his tongue means hunger. I also know if I miss any of this LO will have a 'melt down' and it takes forever to calm him, but yet my partner sits there telling me to clean and leave him until he cries

According to my partner LO has me 'wrapped around his finger'. I honestly don't know what to do or make of all of this, my partner doesn't listen if I disagree.

Mostly need to vent and rant since partner doesn't listen.

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MangoSplit · 12/04/2017 13:50

This made me feel sad to read this . How can a three month old have you wrapped around his finger? Would your partner be open to attending a parenting course with you?

ChunkyHare · 12/04/2017 14:32

Well the way I see it is that your baby is crying for a reason, and the whole wrapped around his finger is because that is the whole point.

He is a baby, he needs you to do things for him because he cannot get his own food or change his own nappy. So he cries to let you know he needs stuff.

As a parent you have to learn what that might be. And you do know because you are the one spending the most time with him so you get to see his different behaviours.

So why is your baby crying? Does he want to be held? Why is it so bad to hold something you grew inside you for 9 months?

As you can see I don't agree with controlled crying. I am of the mindset that you do what works for you. If that is the baby falls asleep in your arms then so be it. You just get through this however you can.

My children are now 14 and 11 and my youngest had severe reflux and slept on me every day. Does he do that now? No, of course not. But he needed that when he was little and so I gave that to him.

Singingforsanity · 12/04/2017 15:41

I'd give him some more information about controlled crying, if he's going to do it he needs to know all the facts first. Even the experts who back cc do not recommend it for babies under 6 months. The raised cortisol levels which result from the stress baby goes through during cc can have long lasting effects on baby's brain (and not just under 6 months). Good luck with this, don't try it unless you're convinced it's right for all of you.

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Heirhelp · 12/04/2017 20:23

Cry it out, not controlled crying is abuse. At 3 months your little one is too little for controlled crying which would not be for us.

Can you get your HV to talk to both of you?

Trb17 · 12/04/2017 22:11

It sounds as if your partner holds some jealousy or resentment in relation to your relationship with your LO to me.

Twentyten2010 · 12/04/2017 22:20

I though CC was only used at night to help babies self settle?

It sounds like your DH wants you to let him cry to get on and do things like the cleaning, that is NOT controlled crying, that is ignoring your child's needs, his need to be held and comforted and close to his mother.

Twentyten2010 · 12/04/2017 22:22

My DS is 11 weeks and no way would I let him cry like that. I won't rush to sooth him when I know he'll stop crying in a second (such as when I'm changing his nappy or dressing him) but I'd never leave him at that age either.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2017 22:22

Why is your partner telling you to clean? I don't understand that part.

"Cry it out" means to ignore your baby's distress until they give up and stop crying. It is totally wrong and neglectful to do that, especially to a tiny baby. When a small baby cries it's because they need something. Food, a clean nappy, to be cuddled and reassured, etc. It's beyond wrong to ignore that.

Do you know why your partner thinks he doesn't need to listen to you? Why does he think his opinion is correct and yours not worth listening to? Does he not listen to you about other things as well?

uhoh2016 · 12/04/2017 22:34

Please don't leave your 3mo to cry it out. If he's crying he wants or needs something.
Even if it's just a cuddle he needs then do it, although it may feel relentless at the time they really are only little a small amount of time embrace every kiss and cuddle you can

TeaTeaTea · 13/04/2017 14:58

Agree with PP's - a baby that young shouldn't be left to cry it out, at that age they still have simple needs and don't know how to manipulate so when your LO cries he needs attending to.
If your partner means Controlled Crying then by all means discuss it but, again it's not for a baby of 3months.

Is it possible that your partner just doesn't know about baby development? Most mothers have read every snippet of info before baby arrives but not many partners do. It could be that he's got mis-informed from somewhere and believes that your LO should be less demanding by now. That's obviously not true but before launching into arguments with your partner, try and gently coach him (you know all the signs - tongue flicking for hunger, whinging when tired - show your partner.) But try and do it in a non-derogatory way, (think about a mans ego...) it can really help. Your partner obviously thinks every cry is the same.

I've even let my DH do what HE thinks is best when he's been so dog-stubborn but then made him deal with the consequences when baby has woken (didn't do the ninja-walk out of the bedroom!) or thrown-up (don't tickle after a massive milk feed!) He's quickly learnt how to handle DS or not to argue with my techniques.
Good luck hun x

ShineyNewName · 13/04/2017 15:06

What do you mean he tells you to clean and leave him? As in clean the house? He could maybe clean while you deal with the baby. He has you wrapped around his finger? At 3 months? That's ridiculous haha.

I agree babies that age don't cry for nothing. That's how they communicate, they can't come and say mummy I'm hungry/tired/bored/uncomfortable all they can do is cry. Leaving them for a moment if they're not really crying and you're going to deal with them in a minute isn't so bad I guess, but cry it out at this age wouldn't be so good. I think controlled crying is probably better if anything though.

With mine there have been things we've disagreed on and i just find a few articles and tell him the benefits of what I'm doing vs the detrimental effects of what he wants to do. He also once suggested leaving the baby to cry at around the same age and I explained about how babies should feel secure and that they know if they're hungry or whatever we WILL be coming to their aid and that they will get to know the parents will be there when they're upset and that leaving them can make them feel insecure or that they might not get what they need so could possibly even cry more or cry louder just to get us to listen.
I told him that sometimes even when there's apparently nothing wrong babies are no different to older humans in that sometimes they just want a bit of company or want to cuddle up with a loved one and that they can get really down if they don't get that just like an adult would.
Explain all that to him, and ask how he'd feel if he just wanted a little time or cuddle with you but you just say no and ignore him all the time.

Youdontwanttodothat · 13/04/2017 15:23

Too little for this. Even when much older not a great idea. LO needs his mum because he is a new baby.

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