Temper & aggression problems with DS2. I just don't know what to do!

[pinkchampagne]

My DS2 is an adorable little character, but he is such hard work, has a real temper on him & can turn aggressive.
He strops very easily if things don't go just his way, and he often turns on his poor older brother.
Twice over the last couple of weeks, I have been told he has been behaving in an aggressive way at nursery, once hitting another child with a cone & today he scratched another child. They say it is starting to happen more often, and I really really don't know what to do with him.
I try having stern words, telling him how unkind it is etc, I try giving him time out, but nothing is making any difference.
He does get cross very easily. While eating his lunch today, he got very angry & threw down his fork because he couldn't pick up a bit of his fishfinger with it!
He is nearly 4 years old, so well past the terrible twos, and I really want to stop this agression before he starts school in September.
He is becoming one of those children that other parents will complain about & think I have no control over him.
I am at the end of my tether & really really don't know what to do.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I am desperate here!

Nobody??

One last bump. I am really concerned about this & don't know how to handle it. I am at the end of my tether.

hi pinkchampagne - my ds has started doing similar although he is 2 1/2 so it was expected It sounds like pure frustration what your ds is doing so maybe it just needs someone to be with him and help him take his time and keep trying or reminding him to share - can the pre school staff look out for when he does hit out etc ? it could well be because another child has taken something from your ds and maybe they need to keep a closer eye on him to difuse the situation before it happens.

Time out never worked with mine but a low quiet but firm voice face to face did - also give him opportunities to run off steam - I think boys struggle with agression more (testorone rush!) so need an outlet for it - get him running round or what i did with my dd who has a foul temper is tell her to get a cushion and scream or shout into it if she felt herself getting worked up!! He will get past it just needs careful management and understanding - we all need to throw something sometimes

sorry haven't really got any advice but am bumping for you

Thank you both.

I think a lot of it is frustration, CL, but he seems to lash out very easily & the nursery staff tell me parents will start complaining, which is understandable.
I am at a real loss, as DS1 has always been a very gentle child, so I have little experience of the right & wrong ways to handle it.
He even kicked my mum the other day, because she wouldn't let him do something.
I try getting down to his level & being stern, I try explaining why it is wrong & I try sitting him on the step etc, but it is still happening.
I feel like a real rubbish parent.

Your so not a rubbish parent otherwise you wouldnt be bothered about him doing it !! Totally empathise though - I took my ds to a friends house this morning and he spent the whole time pushing her little girl around Have the nursery staff said what happens prior to him hitting out ? they are as responsible for managing his behaviour at nursery so what do they do to deal with it? some places are far to quick to just hand off the problem to the parent - Also I would imagine that although its not great for the other parents kids that 99.9% of their children have hit out at one point or another!! How long has it been going on for? FWIW I think you are handling it the best way you can and it may just need time..

Oh and just to add (im on a roll here its worth trying to recognise when he is frustrated and throws something because of it and when he is actually angry/agressive as the two scenarios need dealing with seperately - frustration needs patience and calm understanding and help him where you can whereas agression/anger needs a firm "not acceptable" and time out if thats what your using.... essay over

Not sure what they are doing to deal with his aggression. I have to sign a book to say that I have been told of the incedent, and they tell me it is now happening quite often & that other parents may soon start complaining.
I tell them I will have a word with him, which I do, but it doesn't seem to prevent it happening next time.

Thanks, Floating.
I do use time out all the time & he is made to apologise after. Often he will sit on the step & say "I want to say sorry"
He gets off the step, hugs his brother & then 2 mins later there are tears again, which are often DS1's.

Floating - I have ds hassling me so I have to keep it short

Pink - nursery sounds as they have some explaining to do
I would make time to speak to them because you speaking to him afterwards is pointless as he may not even connect the incidents with what your saying so nursery are not helping.

I honestly think if they were keeping an eye on whats going on, epecially as they know there is a problem, then they could intervene before some of the instances occur! Speak to nursery and ask what they are doing about it - good luck

FWIW If your using time out then make sure he does his full 4 mins? and doesnt get to choose when he is ready to say sorry as he is still controlling the situation and not you. My two have their moments(!) and if ds is hitting out at dd he is removed from the room and i totally dedicate myself to dd until im ready to let him back in to play. Its slowly working

I do tend to keep him on the step for 4 mins, CL, but he is getting to a stage where the step doesn't seem to be having effect.

I think I will have a word with the nursery staff to find out how they are handling it, because atm it feels I am just signing this book, which explains the incident, just incase there are complaints.

This is exactly what my ds was like at 4. They call it "the fucking awful fours" tons of threads on here in the archives.

It is testosterone driven (big surge at 4) combined with a perhaps more forceful personality. Ds was a problem at nursery too at times. He struggled with his frustration and would become physical.

With ds I used time out for aggression. No messing. It worked. He is now 5 and absolutely lovely. So don't start imagining that he is going to turn into a young thug-it will even out eventually.

Stay calm ad firm. Good luck I know how trying it can be

Just another thought. I had a meeting at nursery to explain that they needed to supervise him properly when in free play (always great when engaged in an activity)as when there are lots of excitable children running around together that was when incidents would occur.

my ds(5) is the same he used to bite and hit at school it drove me mad. he does see a speech and language person and has an iep, which since he has been in year one has helped alot.

he sometimes is still agressive but not half and bad as he was, the teachers really help him but have to explain exactly what they're doing during the day or he gets really worried and this can make him lose it.

it was very hard to deal with but he is improving now.

Thanks for the reassurance, chipkid - it has given me hope!

How old is your DS, SEA?
My DS2 seems to have been like this since around 2 years of age & I keep hoping he will outgrow it, but it doesn't seem to be happening yet! He is a very strong character!

my son is 6 in july, but he started being agressive at about 2 as well. honestly i have been at my wits end with him and have cried and posted tons here (that's what brought me to mn in the first place).

he does still lose it with his brother who is 13 and he knows now that the older one won't play with him at all if he's agressive to him. it's been a long hard slog tbh

It is awful isn't it? I felt pretty tearful after picking DS2 up from nursery today. I have got to a stage where I really don't know what to do with him.
This is all so new to me, as DS1 is the total opposite.
Did you have any of these kind of problems with your DS1?

no my ds1(13) was completely the opposite, no problems at school, totally gentle and quiet. he won't stand for any violence now (although they play fight )

i did find the raising boys book quite helpful with my son. i think with him it was a mix of testosterone rushes and frustration at being understood. he still needs lots of reassurance and encouragement, but the incidents at school have calmed down (although i do still get the occasional letter!). it's very hard isn't it, especially when they're so different.

So so hard. My DS2 is a lovely charming little character with it & I don't want him to be seen as some bully. I just wish I knew the answer to stopping all this aggression.

he will grow out of it, on one thread martianbishop told me to stop worrying she said he's only five not fifteen! it put things into perspective for me. how old is your ds1?