Temper & aggression problems with DS2. I just don't know what to do!

[pinkchampagne]

My DS2 is an adorable little character, but he is such hard work, has a real temper on him & can turn aggressive.
He strops very easily if things don't go just his way, and he often turns on his poor older brother.
Twice over the last couple of weeks, I have been told he has been behaving in an aggressive way at nursery, once hitting another child with a cone & today he scratched another child. They say it is starting to happen more often, and I really really don't know what to do with him.
I try having stern words, telling him how unkind it is etc, I try giving him time out, but nothing is making any difference.
He does get cross very easily. While eating his lunch today, he got very angry & threw down his fork because he couldn't pick up a bit of his fishfinger with it!
He is nearly 4 years old, so well past the terrible twos, and I really want to stop this agression before he starts school in September.
He is becoming one of those children that other parents will complain about & think I have no control over him.
I am at the end of my tether & really really don't know what to do.

He is going to be four on the 21st of this month.
Was hopeful as he approached 3 that it may calm, now I am pinning hopes on him calming at some point once reaching 4, next year I am sure I will be ever hopeful for 5 to be the year!!

i meant your elder son

i did find a star chart useful too and just added a smilie for good days and sad face for bad. he really liked that and it did work

Sorry, didn't read properly!! My eldest son is 7 & very gentle.

The star chart idea sounds good - might have to give that a go!

i used this one it's very simple and did the trick (though he sometimes changed the into when i wasn't looking!)

That looks good, SEA, I will get my mum to print it out for me because my printer isn't working.
LOL at your DS changing his face into a one!

H thinks it's my fault for being too weak with him.

it is not your fault. there are so many mums who have this experience with their ds's. There are some boys who are just like this and they will grow out of it. My Ds still loves nothing more than a punch up in the playground with a willing combatant-but he is now of the age where he knows not to overstep the mark or to hurt anybody. That all comes with maturity.

DS2 is a very strong character & knows his own mind, but I do try & deal with it all. I have had another talk to him today & explained why it's wrong. He seemed to listen, but I know it will happen again.

Just signing up with a ds2 who is going through this phase - easily angered, often aggressive. I know he's at the peak of a testosterone surge, and that he will settle eventually, but it is sooooo wearing, isn't it? Mine is just a bundle of excited energy, from the moment he opens his eyes, until the moment he closes down. He's asleep 3 seconds later.

Mine is now into shouting - very loudly - most of the day. Aaaaggggghhhh!

Chipkid - love the "f'ing awful fours" label - I've been mning for years and hadn't met that one.

NQGU - your DS2 sounds just like mine! My DS2 is also a bundle of excited energy from the moment he opens his eyes! I can put his very favourite programme on in an attempt for a bit of calm, and he is still jumping from the sofa while it's on!!

Never heard of the f**ing fours either, but it made me laugh! It seems it is an extension of the terrible twos & hideous threes, so here's hoping for his 5th birthday to be the turning point!!

How old is your DS2, NQGU?

oh five is lovely. Honest. My ds still has his moments-still high energy but on the whole he is fab. For instance he goes round the house most days making that shooting noise that boys do. I have instigated a no shooting after 6 rule (it is doing my head in by then) ...and he is ok with that-hey progress!

Ohhh, roll on five then!!

I do worry that he is going to become a real agressive bully type child & I really really don't want that to happen.
Other than his moods & aggression, he is such a gorgeous little boy. I just want the anger in him to calm down.

I really feel for you, pinkchampagne. DS1 used to have real problems with biting and hitting out at other children. He used to be very sore on DS2 as well, he bit him once on his side and DS2 still had the bruises a week later!

I think you, and the nursery, have to be very firm, although calm and not shouty, when he does bite or kick. But also work on observing what sorts of things are triggering the aggressive display on his part, and see if there is any way of avoiding/minimising the triggers.

For example, DS1 was always very obsessed with "the rules", whatever they were, and in his warped logic, if another child was a bit slow at tidy-up time or whatever, he seemed to think he was quite within his rights to lash out at them. Which meant that it helped a lot if an adult could be within arms' reach of him at such times, ready to try and defuse the situation.

It does sound as if it would be a good idea for you and nursery to adopt a common approach?

Has your DS1 outgrown this stage now, Dino?

It is awful & Ds2 seems to go off on one very easily. Poor Ds1 often suffers as a result of his younger brothers short fuse!

I do try being very firm, but I guess I need to try & get firmer still because he isn't calming.
I normally sit him on the step for a few mins & tell him why what he did was wrong.
Today he didn't go to my mum's house after nursery, while DS1 did.

I think I had better have a word with his nursery staff & find out exactually what's happening there & what they're doing when these incidents happen.

just another thought. With Ds I would always leave toddlers or a birthday party after the second incident of aggresion. PITA for me but he started to get the message

He has pretty much outgrown lashing out at school but still lashes out at DS1 too much for my liking. But DS2 does know how to wind him up...

School have done a lot of work with him on recognising and acknowledging when he is getting angry and then defusing it. He had a book for a while that he could write in when he was feeling angry and that seemed to help - but that is a technique for a slightly older kid than yuor DS2 though.

I don't do many groups with him because I work everyday, but I know he had a major strop when my mum took him to baby gym on Tues because he wanted the trampoline to himself & they were only there 20 mins tops!

How old is your DS now, chipkid?
Please tell me it all gets so much better with age!!

Your DS's school sound pretty good, Dino.

My two can't play together for more than 2 mins without tears atm, and they're normally from DS1!

Yes, chipkid, that reminds me, I had a similar policy with DS1 at playgrounds etc. I think it did help get the message across to him that hitting etc.was not going to be tolerated.

my ds is 5.5. I can honestly say that the turning point came when he was about to turn 5. He was only just 4 when in reception so young in his year. School started to tame him towards the end of reception!

Mine go through phases of being able to play together fabulously and phases of being not so good. Unfortunately we seem to be in a not so good phase at the moment!

5.7 actually!

Thing is, DS1 starts to feel sorry for DS2, even after being hurt in whatever way, and I have a real job keeping him from going up to him on the step of shame & cuddling him!

funnily enough my ds absoultely adores his baby sister(she is 2) and is a bugger to him at the moment. Depsite all of the problems with him-he has never been unkind to her-I think she has mellowed him.