To have a third baby?

[pumpkin321]

I just feel so torn and can't decide! Myself and dp have two lovely girls aged 5 and 20 months. We'd always hoped to have two dc and I wanted my family to be complete before the age of 40. However, I'm 40 now, and a few months ago started to feel intensely broody! We eventually got my coil out a couple of months ago and are seeing what happens. I work part time and dp full time, another child would stretch our finances but would certainly be doable. We're engaged and would like to get married next year, but both happy to put it off for a little longer if necessary. It's just that life is becoming easier and more ordered with two and I'm wondering if we should just be grateful for two healthy dc and stick with that? The overwhelming broodiness has eased off now, and I'm just wondering if we'll regret not having a third if we stop trying or possibly even regret having a third if it does happen!!

If you dont have another child In 20 years time you could look back on your life and say I bitterly regret not having another child but how likely are you to look at your 20 year old and say i bitterly regret having you.

Ooohhh. This is a tough one but I have three and I'm going to be totally honest... i love having my littlest and she brings us a huge huge amount of joy so regret is never going to happen. BUT if I look at it without the emotion, three children is a big jump from 2. People said the leap from 1 to 2 is hard and I have a friend who has 4 and she also says that adding past 2 was easy. I didn't find it so. I find myself stretched and unable to fully give each child the time I want to give them. I end up being a more stressed and not nice mum. Hotels, flights and meals are annoying. Tables are for 4 or 6, planes are laid out in two or four seats - a few times now we've had to split up on long haul flights so I've had two kids sat near me plus a stranger and my husband takes one with him. My sympathy is with the stranger but it is just another thing that is harder. Trains are usually 4 seats together or two. Cars really are set up for two car seats. We had to buy a new car to fit three in. It's just a lot harder. You'll never regret it, but I do find myself envying friends with two. I know I would be a better mum with two. There -that's my total honest answer so I hope it helps. Also, just to add, all three were planned.

I had my 2nd 8 months ago. I am one of three and always thought I would have three myself, but I'm done, I'm sending dh for the snip .

My dd1 was 4 when I had dd2. She has really struggled with sharing my time, attention and love. Watching her struggle and adapt has been heartbreaking at times. We're getting there but it's been hard and I never want to do that to her or her little sister again. I feel with 2 I can get to a place where they will both get the time and attention they need. Life gets so busy and complicated these days, I really value the time I'm able to give them. Having had 2, I would now never want to change that.

I have or should I say we have just decided to go for number 3 my youngest is 3 at the moment its something I will regret not doing but will never regret doing and yes they get more expensive as they get older but when they are at school I hope to get a job to fund the extras Im not working at the moment and we are comfortable so should be fine.

Armpitz I'm not saying you're being rude. I'm not denying your concerns. I'm sorry for accusing you of preaching it wasn't meant to come across that way. What I was trying to get at was that the overpopulation problem is not really because a relatively small number of women in this country might have more than two children, it's bigger than that.
Hope you're having a nice evening 😊

I used to Google this question constantly and always found conflicting opinions, I just couldn't stop wondering if I should or shouldn't.
In the end, already having 2 DDs I decided that I couldn't imagine ever regretting having a third and didn't want to look back when finances etc were easier later in life and wish that I had just went for it.
Fast forward nearly 3 years and we've got 3 DDs, 2, 4 and 6.
Yes, we're definitely stretched further financially, and have changed cars (to fit car seats), holidays are harder (5 in a room seems much harder to find and afford) and the house is crazy at times but never regretted doing it for a minute.
Good luck with your decision!

I've genuinely never heard such bollocks as people deciding whether to have children or not being up to 'global warming impact'.

I've always said I'd like 4 children if it's financially viable and if I hit menopause and didn't achieve this I think I'd feel slightly down. DD1 is 6 months and we're already planning number 2. Do what's right for you and your family, I don't know anyone who's regretted a child but I know plenty who regret not having more

I have three and honestly it is the best. I absolutely love it, my third has brought so much to our lives and I couldn't even imagine life with just two now. It's chaos, but it's the best kind of chaos.

We've just had our third after a big gap. I am 42.

We all adore her and our lives are very much happier to have her here. It is a lot of extra work - some days three kids feels like 12. My other two kids are 11 and 13, so their needs are different but there is definitely less attention to go around.

I see the point about being old. For the first time ever, I don't exercise to look good but because I want to be healthy. My health has become a priority in a way it wasn't before. At 42, I am a damn good mother to a baby. Really relaxed and just enjoying it. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I also feel finished having babies. I have never felt finished before. It is a very clear, definite feeling, and a bit of a relief.

You know in your heart when you are done. I knew it after 2. My sister didn't feel her family was Complete til she had the third. I was one of 3 and loved being in a 3, always someone to play with. However, I gave all my patience to 2 (23 months apart) and didn't feel I had it in me for a third. Follow your instincts...

We have 2 dc and to me it's perfect and I've never wanted another one. I have just about enough time for each of them, and dh, myself, friends. And just about enough money and energy. The noise and the chaos of 2 is plenty for me. For me, I know I couldn't cope with more responsibility. I think it's your situation, and also a feeling. I feel slightly horrified at the sight of families with three plus kids, but that is just projection because I know it wouldn't be my choice!

I'll have to mention to Sir David you think he's talking bollocks then :)

It isn't so much about global warming as it is about recognising two key facts: firstly, that were we any other species, we'd be considered invasive. We do enormous amounts of damage: we wipe our whole other species and ruin natural environments. Put simply the world does not need any more humans.

The second fact is that when you have a child he or she will use resources and these resources are not infinite.

I think we all agree that asking people to not have children at all is unfair and unkind and ridiculous.

But if everyone in the world (okay I am dreaming but stay with me!) limited their number of children to two, we would stabilise as a population and be able to control our resources and undo much of the damage done.

When you see beautiful, endangered creatures dying and know it's because of us - you do feel you have to speak out. I'm not anthromorphising but don't you think a female leopard will want to see her cubs grow ? Gorillas care for their babies in almost the same way we do. Elephants are distraught when they lose a calf. Laugh by all means but it's not funny and it's a serious issue.

If we recognise that and say - okay well, I'm still going to have my third baby then okay.

But many people just don't know what the sheer number of humans are doing to the world. And I think it's something we need to talk about.

Go for it. You will regret it if you don't.

We always planned for two children, my second successful pregnancy was twins, we now have 3 kids and I'm glad, I think if we had just had two kids, I'd feel like you do and wish for another. My DH said no more and has recently got the snip, it's the right thing to do, financially and for the room we have in the house but saying never is really hard!

I was super broody for a few years late 30's creeping into 40. OH definitely wasn't and we didn't.

I'm so glad at 46. I love children but I'm looking forward to having more freedom and independence, I had my first two aged 20 and 28, so if I'd had another at 40 I'd be spending 40 years bringing up children. My mother's health has deteriorated massively in the last 3 years and she needs support, economically we've been able to cope with me giving up full-time work. I can't imagine how it would have worked if my youngest was 6.

I'm just starting to see a few friends suffer serious health issues, in their case cancer, which I know can strike at any age but like heart disease, the incidence increases with age, one of these friend's youngest is 5 and I know having 3 primary aged children is exacerbating his fear and his exhaustion.

Who knows if you would regret your decision either way, I'm just giving you one perspective.

I'm a mum to 9,7 & 5 year olds ... can I just say that the older the kids get the less broody you get!!! Babies are lovely and easy and nice but raising children is hard work!
Homework, problems with friends, hormones, after school clubs, weekend activities!!!
Make friends with people who are younger and having kids so you can get a cuddle and a sniff!!!!
I've just turned 40 and there is no way I would go through that baby stage again... enjoy what you have and prepare yourself for the forthcoming challenge !!!

I'm 43 and currently on maternity leave with my third child. The others are 8 and 6, so quite a big gap. I also agonised for years about the third and regularly read all the threads on mumsnet, trying to find the answer. Although it never made financial or practical sense, I just never felt done. And so we went for it, and now he is here, I am so delighted with him.

I thought for a long time about the negative impact a third baby would have on the family (e.g. less time / money for the other two, big impact on holidays / activities) but now he is here, I see just how much he brings to the family, each and every day. The two older ones adore him and it's just lovely watching them interact with him. All that stuff like buying a new car, beds in hotel rooms etc doesn't matter any more... These to me are small, insignificant problems which are easily solved. And yes, it's relentlessly hard work and the pregnancy was very very tough.... And we're back to nappies and sleepless nights again. But this is all temporary stuff and goes by in a flash. And all this aside, my family now feels complete and it's such a lovely feeling - like a previous poster said, feels like a relief.

A lady in her senior years once told me that her biggest regret was not having a third. Her words resonated with me so much because I hated the thought of getting to sixty and thinking if only, if only.... You can't ever turn the clock back, so if you have that niggle, like I did, and it won't go away, I would say, just go for it.

Best of luck with with your decision.

I didn't feel done after 2 but making the jump to 3 was a difficult decision. We eventually had number 3 and we've never looked back. I know I'm done now and it's a lovely feeling to know our family is complete and no regrets.
The moment you hold that baby in your arms worries about car size and hotel rooms just pale into insignificance.
You can never regret a child you do have but can easily regret the one you don't. Good luck!

Hey OP, only you can make your decision on what is right for you. I knew I 'needed' a 3rd child. Looking at photos etc before she came along felt like someone was missing, we weren't complete as a family. My husband was happy at 2, but my need to have a 3rd was stronger than his not to. Regarding holidays, it's quite simple.... stay in villas - much more fun and no more expensive.

We have 3. We always wanted 3 but after having the first two very close together we waited a bit (!) longer to have DC3 and I got my BFP on my 41st birthday. We had 3 under 5 for a while which was very hard work since I had to manage a preemie and the school run for a reception child (we have no family help nearby). But now the youngest is 4 and we love our little gang. Obviously we have less money than if we only had 2 (we spend ~15K per year on childcare and however many thousand more on children's activities, clothes and food) but we both have good jobs and so we're not struggling.

I have a relative who fostered for a few years because they desperately wanted a third but didn't want to bring another child into an overcrowded world. They were brilliant fosterers who are still in touch with the long term carers (adoptive or extended family) of most of the children they cared for. But ultimately they found it fostering emotionally difficult (caring for a child for it's first year or so and then giving it to the adoptive family is hard for all the of the foster family). Not to mention balancing their responsibilities for their own children vs some of the very damaged children they cared for. Foster carers get a lot of flak but it's a really hard job that is not an option for everyone.

“Yes neon, I think babies/toddlers don't have to cost much, but teenagers will I'm sure”

Never under estimate how much having older children costs in financial and stress levels. I read so many threads on here from parents of families with 3+ children and they complain about: not being able to fit three car seats in the car, after school activities, childcare costs, not being able to book hotel rooms that sleep five, the costs of activities and trips at school, the cost of uniforms, clothes, driving lessons, etc., etc. Add in the stress of homework, GCSEs and A levels x 3, friendship issues, relationship issues – no thank you.

“Planes are laid out in two or four seats”

That isn’t my experience Byrdie. Most European destinations are serviced by 737s which have a 3 x 3 seat configuration. I agree about train seats and public transport in general though.

Only you can decide whether you want more children. All the posts saying go for it are from women who actively enjoy parenthood and understand what it feels like to feel broody. I don’t. I have never felt broody. I have one child due to fertility issues, but I never felt that my life was less worthwhile because I couldn’t have any more babies. I really don’t understand the “need” for a third/fourth/fifth etc child.

And, sorry, but I agree with armpitz’s very valid points.

I have 3 - they're 8, 6 and 7 months. The third was not planned, but he's perfect in every way. I was freaked out at 'how I would cope' - I work full time and life is just very busy. It turns out you cope with whatever life throws at you. I'm so much more relaxed with #3, and I've probably relaxed the rules/things I get stressed about with the other two. I suppose what I'm saying is that #3 has given me a better perspective, and I'm much happier for it. Financially its a stretch, but I do feel like our wee family is complete. Everyone should have a third :)

Couldn't imagine it myself!

I sometimes feel there is a this fantasy about having 3 kids. That it is the 'right' number to create a bustling happy household full of children.

Maybe people think having two is boring or commonplace?

I have no doubt that a third brings more love into the house. But surely it also brings more stress, more cost, less time, less attention etc.

For me having two is the sensible option and I am ok with that, our house is noisy enough, lively enough, fun enough with two.

We are away from the baby/toddler stage and both are in full-time school - it is brilliant. I have finally have more time for my friends, hobbies and work and really can't imagine going back to the start and spending another 4 years raising a baby before they head off to school (I was a SAHM for 8 years and DH works long hours, no family nearby - it was wonderful but intense).

Everyone has different circumstances so no answer is right, just what is right for you.

I wouldn't undo any of my children obviously but three was one too many. Too much of everything, too much fighting.