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Parenting

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Original poster

How can i say NO to family visits

86 replies

Hyland · 08/03/2017 14:50

Sister in law reduced hours at work.

To see neice every week.

This wasnt discussed with me but I believe it was with my partner.

I dont like that this arrangment was set up without me fully understanding.

It annoys me that I assume I am expected to see her same day every week.

If i make an excuse I feel it will only result in my partner being offended.

I dont like them having a hold over me where I feel commited to seeing her every week. Despite it being only for an hour or two, it is more the principle.

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ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 16:15

Or he could have said that he was going to meet with his sister, instead he omitted that bit of information.

Err, you said yourself you wouldn't have allowed him to go!

"He met up secretly I am guessing because he knew i would say no."

What needed done in the house that a was so urgent yet could Be completed in the space of time it took to have a walk?

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 16:24

I would say no coz I didn't think it would kill them not to see the baby for a few days.

I wanted support with house stuff and yes we was very limited with time the walk was over 45 mins and seeing as I am expected to cook dinner and clean etc. Some support from my partner is surely not unfair of me to expect. By the time he got back i was still rushing around.

With imminent arrivals, before having to go to the airport. So instead i had to rush around and do everything myself.

I am far from being house proud but Stuff needed sorting, literally dropped off one sister for her flight home and was then expecting the next.

So our priorities should have been focused on that, rather than keeping his sister happy.

OP posts:

BakerBear · 08/03/2017 16:28

I'm with you op.

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ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 16:30

I would say no coz I didn't think it would kill them not to see the baby for a few days.

it wouldn't kill anyone to never see the baby. Your family included. But it's nice for them to see her. That's what happens when babies are born. People come to see them. It's his child as well, you don't get to veto who sees her. He is allowed to take his own child out for a walk to see it's sodding aunt!

Visiting a family With a new baby I would expect to find my own way from the airport. Failing that either your or DH could have gone alone to collect them and the other stayed behind to clean/cook. Sounds like your putting a lot of unnecessary pressure of both yourself and DH.

picklemepopcorn · 08/03/2017 16:39

I think I would expect DP to agree that he is too busy preparing for / hosting your family for their first visit to see the baby, to fit in a visit with his family who is seems are close enough to see the baby every week.

I think I would say yes or no randomly on Wednesdays. So be out one week, be asleep/doing some batch cooking one week, let her visit one week. That way she will realise that she can't assume it is 'her slot', but she can't accuse you of avoiding her either.

Astro55 · 08/03/2017 16:40

It's his child as well, you don't get to veto who sees her

But DH can arrange as many family visits and he likes while he's at work?

Seriously OP was expecting visitors and would have said no to SIL visit because she was busy expecting guests - it was a now isn't convenient rather than a never!! And given that's SIL has rather strangely booked every Wednesday off to see DN without OP consent yet OP is controlling???

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 16:41

My family live miles away, baby is 7 weeks old and it is the first lot of family I have seen on my side since her birth.

As i said before, I have not seen any of my family since August 2015.

When we go up to see them, they pick us up from the airport so naturally we arranged the same for their arrival.

They see the baby 2-3 times a week.

My family was just this one visit. Don't feel they can be compared in my opinion. Especially when baby was 6 weeks old at the time and they had seen our baby on many occasions.

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 16:42

But DH can arrange as many family visits and he likes while he's at work?

Nope. Where did I say he could?

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 16:44

Thanks Bakerbear & Astro 55

lol

:) Thanks

but i will keep in mind the opinions about being controlling lol however if i was so controlling i would perhaps not be in this situation where I have been walked over. With there planning and arranging weekly visits.

OP posts:

Trooperslane · 08/03/2017 16:47

Breezy in tone

Hi SIL

I'm sorry DH agreed with this without checking with me but I can't commit to the same time every week.

It's a nice idea to meet up regularly so let's make it happen.

Love Sil x

picklemepopcorn · 08/03/2017 16:52

Absolutely, this was a time to prioritise your family who will have very rare visits. Very rude of him to waltz off with the baby when he was needed at home.

Astro55 · 08/03/2017 16:53

^ add I'll let you know when it's convenient!!

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 16:55

Yeah i was thinking the same that i may chat to her about perhaps going to town, walking round the shops and getting a coffee. but also not wanting to be just sitting waiting for her weekly visit on that day.

I will add she has come over on other days. It is just this regimented weekly afternoon thing that i am against.

Whether i am honest with her and and say my partner was wrong to agree or just do a mixture of meeting and avoiding ... still not sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 16:57

Assuming my partner doesn't confront me regarding the days/times I avoid.

eeek

OP posts:

Astro55 · 08/03/2017 17:05

Why is DH arranging this stuff? Seriously i don't know anyone who wants to visit me would see fit to ask DH - and not me - it's odd

And why can you marry this man, have his baby and not speak up about his involvement about this arrangement?

Are there other issues here?

maz210 · 08/03/2017 17:08

I'd do the occasional meet on a Wednesday but subtly put her off for some of them so it doesn't become an expectation. When you put her off make sure to suggest rearranging it for a weekend instead so that your partner is around too. I'd try to gradually make weekend visits the default rather than the Wednesdays.

I love my sister in law to bits and see her most weeks but even I'd be loath to make a permanent arrangement as it could start to feel like a duty rather than a pleasure.

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 08/03/2017 17:09

After reading all this I still can't get why, not only that your SIL would reduce her hours to see her niece every week, but also that your husband and sil arranged this without even asking what you thought about it?

I'm assuming you're the main carer for your daughter as your husband works full time? So, this definitely should have been discussed with you and not your husband! Especially as she was reducing her work hours for this so the arrangements were in place for a good while without either of them mentioning it?

Weird... and controlling, of them not you.

FYI I don't think you were controlling because you wanted help with the house instead of your husband lying to you about why he was going out thay day. He should have just said or helped you out.

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 17:15

I know that if i speak up on this subject he will feel I am attacking them. He is very protective of his very small family.

I have said a few times that his family should speak to me and not him. But what tends to happen is they speak to him and he has to prompt them to msg me and ask me directly. However some things he agrees with them, not thinking it will be any big deal, like me cooking dinner for his parents! I think he just doesn't always think it through.

I think it is just because they are all soooo close. And he knows I'm happy for them to have a close relationship to our daughter as it should be.

Just knowing when the line has been crossed.

OP posts:

NanooCov · 08/03/2017 17:22

I think your problem lies with your partner and not his sister. Does she even know you weren't consulted? As far as she knows, he's run it by you and you're fine with it. You'll need to speak to your partner about it, whether he feels it's an attack or not. Please don't do the avoiding thing - it's not nice and not sustainable.

But I do get the impression you have underlying issues with his family and their "closeness" (got the impression this was used in a negative way).

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 17:27

I remember her saying once she was thinking of doing condensed hours. However her work was making people redundant at the time, so she decided perhaps not the best time to be putting in such a request.

Even at that time I didn't know it was for the purpose of seeing our daughter.

I also find it odd that when she eventually approached her employer, why would she not then discuss with me and ask, so is Wednesday best for you? or would you prefer a Friday?

Unless this whole conversation took place without me!

How she can afford to cut hours, surprises me, she often comments on not being able to save and buy a house.

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 17:31

Are you even sure she cut her hours in order to see your daughter? You don't seem to really know much about it. You say her company were making people redundant, perhaps she didn't cut her Hours at all. Maybe the company did.

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 17:35

He works 6 days a week.

He probably just thinks it will be nice for me to have some adult conversation and company.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he has discussed the sister thing with me.

I have pointed out a few times recently where he has assumed i knew or thought he had told me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hyland · 08/03/2017 17:39

Yes the 22nd if last month i asked her if she had booked the whole day off work or just the afternoon. She replied with something along the lines of i have every wednesday afternoon off now. I asked how come and she said to see baby and nan.

I was shocked and just replied oh!
The very next week I had family down and now we are back to a new week and another wednesday.

OP posts:

titsbumfannythelot · 08/03/2017 17:39

I would go to a baby event the afternoon she has taken off. Or at least say I had. Totally imposing on a new baby's routine.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 17:41

Baby and nan? So it's not just to see the baby. She visits her nan as well. Sounds like she just decided she wanted an afternoon a week to catch up with family and do things rather than it to be specifically to visit your daughter.

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