Partner stressed by our baby.

[user1488925414]

Hello,

Im looking for some advice on how to help my partner.

My partner is constantly 'stressed out' by our nine month old baby. He gets so wound up by the slightest thing, whether our little one plays with her dinner, or is trying to grab something she shouldn't, even if she's being a little chatterbox, or struggling to sleep; all of these things, plus more, (which I deem as our daughter just being an exploring baby) stress him out.

Since her birth I have witnessed my partner shout at our baby for not going to sleep, put her dinner in the bin because she's being a little fussy, I am embarrassed to admit this but I've even heard him call her names (of which I can't bare to repeat let alone write on here!)

My partner has never offered to help out with our daughter, I always have to ask him. It got to the stage where, a few months back, my partner had almost no interaction with our daughter, so I started to encourage him to do things like dinner time and bedtime with her, just for them to bond. But now he gets so stressed by her (and I don't understand why because our daughter is as good as gold!) that I can feel myself getting anxious and upset about him carrying out these routines.

I've tried to talk to my partner about his temper several times but he insists that his behaviour is 'just who he is.' My partner has also blamed his 'feeling stressed' on me, insisting that he's not 'getting enough' (if you know what I mean) and states that our relationship is 's**t!' 😥

My partner's mother has informed me that my partner doesn't want to have to look after our baby when he gets in from work, and that he just wants to put his feet up and relax. She has advised me that my role is to keep him happy and that means making sure I look after our daughter and let him do what he wants of an evening/weekend. His mother told me she has brought him up to believe that a woman should be the sole carer of her children (which I pretty much am anyway) and that I should be pandering to his every needs. Apparently my lack of doing so, is why he is stressed out 😥

Is this my fault?!

I cannot help feeling that, if what his mother says is actually what he wants (which he denys but then moans at me for not being able to go out with his mates or play the games console every night) then why is he still living with our daughter and me? I don't understand why he wanted to have children with me.

I really want to support my partner and to try and help him but I'm struggling to know what to do for the best. I found out recently that I'm pregnant with our second child and I'm absolutely terrified of bringing another baby into a household where my partner looses his temper so easily, and spends every day reminding me of all the things he can't do now he has children.

Does this behaviour sound normal for a new Dad? Am I over reacting when I say that I feel some of his actions are completely unacceptable (I would like to add here that my partner still goes out and gets absolutely bladdered once a week, every week, and is so hungover over the weekend he can barely function let alone look after a child!)

I'm really tempted to leave but I don't want to jeopardise the relationship my partner could have with our daughter. I don't want to break up a home, especially if he is struggling. I just feel like he regrets having our daughter, and this deverstates me - she is absolutely wonderful!!

This has been going on for nearly nine months now and I'm really worried about how this is impacting our daughter, and, moving forwards, our new arrival.

What can I do to help him?! 😥

Is this normal for a new Dad? In a word, no.

My DH adored his first dd, adored her. He was better with her than me in some respects. Very hands on. Never went out. So very supportive in every way.

When our ds came along 2 years later, he was still supportive but he didn't adore him. In fact it took a long time for them to bond properly. Not until he was about 2yrs old in all honestly. Looking back, I think my partner was fairly depressed and stressed out. He's never been the sole bread winner but I think having to do all the baby stuff again tipped him into a bad place. He never stopped doing the day to day support, but the genuine love I believe came much later. Ds is 9 now. They have a great relationship.

I've never declared a LTB on here as I believe it's often shouted too quickly, but honestly OP. This is only going to get much, much worse. He's telling you who he is. His mum is telling you who he is. Having two children is full on and stressful enough (and fab!) that he won't change. Your dd is easy right now. Wait until she starts doing the normal toddler stuff of climbing, running off and getting into real mischief.

Please think hard op x

This is an abusive man who has been taught his actions are normal by an abusive upbringing. It sounds bloody scary and I have no idea how you are going to continue to tiptoe around him with two small children.

I would be checking out the entitledto website and finding out how you can get away from him before the new baby is born. I dread to think how bad he is going to get once the stress in your house doubles.

Your poor poor DD. She's a BABY - she doesn't know food isn't to be played with or that throwing it causes a mess or what bedtime means or anything.
You need to bring her up in a respectful loving home where she is just as valued as a boy and isn't told that all this crap about what a woman's place is. If that can't be with your partner then so be it.

An abusive man who is 'stressed out' by a 9 month year old, and whose mother supports him totally? And you have another baby on the way?

Seriously- unless you want to be seeing your children on weekly visits supervised by a social worker- get out before he hits her, or shakes the new baby. Your children only have you to protect them.

I just wanted to start my response by saying a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my thread. I have to admit, there are a lot of responses on here that I wasn't excepting and I'm feeling a whole load of guilt at having allowed my daughter to be subjected to this kind of behaviour, for so long. Ive felt so unconfident in my belief that his behaviour is unacceptable (hence my post) that I almost needed people to brutally tell me that I'm not overreacting at all.

Unfortunately, one of the weaknesses I posses as a human is to always see the good in someone. Knowing that my partner wasn't like this (he's been a lazy sod since I've known him but I just put that down to him needing to learn how to live independently) before we had our daughter, often makes me hopeful that that man will return. But I now understand that, like so many of you have posted, my partner has to decide whether he wants to be that man again.

My parents have a lot of involvement with our daughter and they have watched my partners behaviour change over the last few months. They have noticed that, when he hasn't been spending time with his mother (she often goes through periods of time where she rejects my partner) he is the complete opposite to the way I've mentioned his behaviour above: he is warming and loving and cannot do enough for our daughter and I. But I've come to realise that I can't keep holding on to the times when he isn't stressing out.

I wish I could eliminate his mother from our lives. I've seen this woman in action and she's a nasty piece of work. I don't have any contact with her at all anymore and I wish I could stop her from having any contact with our little one, but I don't know if I have the right to do that.

I am such a loving person, and I was brought up in a very loving household. I shower our daughter with love and cuddles and kisses, we dance to music and go for long walks in the countryside, we bake (yes at nine months 😃) and we swim and we make lots of mess, and I wouldn't have our relationship any other way. I just wish my partner would be this way too. He is missing out on the most amazing memories.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do and I worry that, me leaving means throwing my partner back in to the lions den. However, (and I can here everyone yelling at me on here right now haha) I understand that he is a grown man and he has to make the decision to remove himself from his own abusive situation and to change if he wants a relationship with our daughter, and new baby moving forwards. I've been blunt with him and have told him I feel he was abused as a child. He agreed with me, until he spoke with his parents about it, and they denyed ever laying a finger on him (which I was present for!) He was deverstated! His mother makes me so angry!!!!

I've decided to go and stay with my parents for a few weeks. I don't own a house or work so I'm financially dependant on my partner. I know he isn't going to change in a few weeks but I'm hoping that this time apart will give him a kick up the butt and make him decide whether he wants to be a dad or not. Either that or his lovely mother will release hell on to my path. I guess I can only see what happens. Our daughter comes first and will forever come first (along with her little brother or sister) 😃

Do I need to check with anyone/let anyone m ow that I'm okay to take our daughter away?!

Thank you so much for all the comments again. I do appreciate every comment and am thankful that you were all willing to provide advice.

You're fine to leave with your DD. He would have to apply to court to have her placed in his care.
That's a very good decision. You must learn to harden yourself to the needs of other adults, now that you have children to consider.

You're still blaming his mother more than him, which is ridiculous frankly.

I have only read your initial post but his behaviour cannot continue.
Either he makes an effort for his daughter or he can piss off.
I am so angry for you, I want to fight your corner!
As for his mum, dont listen to that backwards woman, if that's how she wants to live her life, that's fine. But to inflict her outdated, quite frankly ridiculous beliefs on you (when you're in quite a vulnerable position) is damaging and quite isolating for you I can imagine.
It's fine to be overwhelmed with a new baby but to act like he has is worrying and after a frank chat with him I think you'll know where you stand. If he cannot see that things need to change and act on it then You know deep down that things aren't going to change.
I've been a single parent and now that I am in a relationship I remember them times fondly (constant hard work but no treading on eggshells - bliss!)
Good luck, get your friends and family behind you and do what's best for your child - a bit twee but a happy mummy = a happy child.

No this is not normal in any shape or form. His behaviour is abhorrent.

Yes it's stressful having a baby but the parents need to work as a team and take the rough with the smooth! I hate to say this, but if you're pregnant again, his behaviour will deteriorate further when there is a second in the picture.

His mother should also be ignored at all costs. She's raised a useless man child. Worse still, she seems to be encouraging his behaviour.

Unless he is willing to accept his behaviour is wholly unacceptable and make a real effort to address it (which I think is unlikely) then I don't really see how you can stay with this man.

Did you intend to have another child with him his early on, baring in mind how awful his behaviour is towards your daughter?

Your doing the right thing OP, you seem to be aware that his behaviour is because he was abused as a child, and that's lovely of you to be concerned for him but he is not for you to fix (you have two little ones to take care of) and are not responsible for a fully grown man.

I hope he does change for you, im glad your trying to sort it now before your daughter grows up walking on egg shells thinking her dad doesn't like her. As much "guilt" as you may unnecessarily feel having left, your one woman- you cant take care of yourself, him and two kids- your not superwoman and shouldn't be expected to be.

Its a shame for him but its his to sort out - not yours

Good luck OP

Going to your parents is a great idea. When you are safely there you need to explain to him that you have left as he is being abusive to your daughter. If it was me, I would do this in writing. In my experience people like this do not change and you need to start planning for your life without him. I would consider conversations with a solicitor about divorce and Social Services about his behaviour towards her as soon as possible.

Good Luck OP!

It sounds like the right thing to do! It might give him space to think too. He does need to get help and support - but this is not your responsibility, it is his! He has to WANT to change. Your priority is your children and yourself!

If he wants to be involved more with his new family - he has to prove that he has changed!

Your parents sound very supportive, which is great you have that to help.

Your MIL has absolutely no rights to see her GD, so don't worry about that. Like other posters have said, she sounds poisonous. Her influence has obviously impinged and impacted on your partners behaviour to this day, and in turn your DD and yourself!

Your post really touched me - I hope that things turn out well for you! xx

Well done on this first step OP, I'm glad you have supportive parents to help with whatever you decide next.

Grandparents don't have any direct visitation rights with grandchildren.

It will take more than a few weeks to sort this out. He needs comprehensive therapy which will take time. Dont go back after a few weeks because he seems better- he will be better as he wont have anyone to think about but himself.

Calling a baby names and being visibly angry at them is a warning sign. He could hurt her. I would consider moving out / asking him to move out and getting support before this goes any further. If he hurts her and you have ignored all these waring signs, this will be difficult to get over.

Reading your posts, his mother perhaps took on this role to protect herself and the children (your DP) from abuse. Unfortunately, this whole toxic environment has resulted in your parter being a potentially violent, entitled man. Think about your future: you will teach your daughter how to avoid angering daddy just like his mother by being quiet and meek and your family will be just like hers. If your new baby is a boy, look at your partner to see how he will end up if you do not try to change things.

I'm glad you see that you can't fix him. Lots of us come from abusive homes, that's not an excuse to continue the misery into the next generation.

If he can't handle one well-behaved child, you will probably find things are worse when the new one comes along - especially if the second one has a more challenging personality or needs. If you have supportive parents, stay with them as long as you need to. Put your children's needs first.

Bloody good for you my lovely. Getting out is the best thing you can do for you both (you and DD).

I shared concerns above about the potential for him to be physically abusive to your daughter. Too many cases of that in the press, let alone all those that the media never hear about. Keep yourselves safe

I'm glad you're leaving but it sounds like you're going to go back if he 'changes' he's not going to change!

I don't know if he is capable of changing or not, but what I do know is that you would need to give him at least a year to see if he is making the effort and there are lasting changes for the better

Calling the baby names is a HUGE red flag. She's just a baby. A baby. What's going to happen when she's a really annoying toddler? And toddlers are really annoying. Cute but very hard work. Will she be another abuse case we read about in the paper?

How much does it need to escalate before you realise he won't change without major professional help?

There was a programme on a few weeks ago about a young couple who had been accused of murdering their young baby. It transpired that during the young child's life, he had called her a "greedy cunt" when she was feeding. It was chilling to hear that's how he thought about her - a baby feeding from her bottle.

Well done for moving out for a few weeks but I fear it won't be enough. Your job is to protect your children. There are red flags all over his behaviour and how he views his baby. Please do some research so you can start to see him objectively.

And I'm really not trying to minimise your first step of moving out for a while. Huge well done for that first step because it can be the hardest. But please don't fall into the trap of thinking all will be ok in a few weeks. We know so much about patterns of abuse now and how it escalates. From your posts he's essentially telling you that it will happen. He already is verbally abusive. It's not a question of if, but when. Go to your parents, get some breathing space and then see some professionals yourself about his behaviour. Good luck, OP.

I was so glad to read your update this morning and to see that your parents are on the scene and able to help.
Honestly, you and your little daughter were the first things I thought about when I woke up this morning, I felt a real sense of dread at the stress you must be under and the way this will already be affecting your LO.
The step up from 1 DC to 2 can be overwhelming. I would worry that if your partner is struggling already then he would be past the point at which he could control his behaviour, even if he wanted to, and it doesn't sound like he is trying. You won't have as much time to pander to his selfishness and it sounds like you are already running yourself ragged trying to fix his shit attitude.
Since he is taking no responsibility for helping to raise your family or work on your relationship, you can't be worse off without him.
It takes real courage to address issues like this and you should be proud of yourself for acknowledging that there's something wrong.
Stay with your parents until the baby is born, there is no hurry to decide about your relationship, the only thing that is urgent is to make sure you and your DD are safe.

• Nothing about what you describe is normal for a new Dad.

• A bad Dad is worse than no Dad and to be honest I'm concerned that one day his temper might cross a line and risk your DC's safety.

• His Mother is SO many shades of wrong I can't even comprehend it!!! She has not raised a man, just an entitled spoiled brat.

• name calling you DD is abusive and NEVER ok. She'll be talking soon. Do you want her to see her worth through his eyes?

Please consider moving on from him. You need to put you and DC first