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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Partner stressed by our baby.

101 replies

user1488925414 · 07/03/2017 22:40

Hello,

Im looking for some advice on how to help my partner.

My partner is constantly 'stressed out' by our nine month old baby. He gets so wound up by the slightest thing, whether our little one plays with her dinner, or is trying to grab something she shouldn't, even if she's being a little chatterbox, or struggling to sleep; all of these things, plus more, (which I deem as our daughter just being an exploring baby) stress him out.

Since her birth I have witnessed my partner shout at our baby for not going to sleep, put her dinner in the bin because she's being a little fussy, I am embarrassed to admit this but I've even heard him call her names (of which I can't bare to repeat let alone write on here!)

My partner has never offered to help out with our daughter, I always have to ask him. It got to the stage where, a few months back, my partner had almost no interaction with our daughter, so I started to encourage him to do things like dinner time and bedtime with her, just for them to bond. But now he gets so stressed by her (and I don't understand why because our daughter is as good as gold!) that I can feel myself getting anxious and upset about him carrying out these routines.

I've tried to talk to my partner about his temper several times but he insists that his behaviour is 'just who he is.' My partner has also blamed his 'feeling stressed' on me, insisting that he's not 'getting enough' (if you know what I mean) and states that our relationship is 's**t!' 😥

My partner's mother has informed me that my partner doesn't want to have to look after our baby when he gets in from work, and that he just wants to put his feet up and relax. She has advised me that my role is to keep him happy and that means making sure I look after our daughter and let him do what he wants of an evening/weekend. His mother told me she has brought him up to believe that a woman should be the sole carer of her children (which I pretty much am anyway) and that I should be pandering to his every needs. Apparently my lack of doing so, is why he is stressed out 😥

Is this my fault?!

I cannot help feeling that, if what his mother says is actually what he wants (which he denys but then moans at me for not being able to go out with his mates or play the games console every night) then why is he still living with our daughter and me? I don't understand why he wanted to have children with me.

I really want to support my partner and to try and help him but I'm struggling to know what to do for the best. I found out recently that I'm pregnant with our second child and I'm absolutely terrified of bringing another baby into a household where my partner looses his temper so easily, and spends every day reminding me of all the things he can't do now he has children.

Does this behaviour sound normal for a new Dad? Am I over reacting when I say that I feel some of his actions are completely unacceptable (I would like to add here that my partner still goes out and gets absolutely bladdered once a week, every week, and is so hungover over the weekend he can barely function let alone look after a child!)

I'm really tempted to leave but I don't want to jeopardise the relationship my partner could have with our daughter. I don't want to break up a home, especially if he is struggling. I just feel like he regrets having our daughter, and this deverstates me - she is absolutely wonderful!!

This has been going on for nearly nine months now and I'm really worried about how this is impacting our daughter, and, moving forwards, our new arrival.

What can I do to help him?! 😥

OP posts:

Waterlemon · 07/03/2017 23:03

Sounds like a big immature man child that is resentful of the baby getting more attention than him!

i would be very wary of leaving my child alone with him - that's not anyway to live!

I doubt he will change or life will get easier if you stay with him.

guinnessgirl · 07/03/2017 23:03

Good grief. He's behaving appallingly and he has no excuse. Getting angry at her for playing with her food? That's the whole POINT of food at that age. If his mum really has brought him up to think like that then you've got a vanishingly slim chance of changing him now. You and your daughter will both be happier away from this insecure, lazy bully and his awful mother. LTB.

MissJC · 07/03/2017 23:06

You need to get the fuck out of dodge asap. If my DP treated our baby like that I would burn the cunt alive whilst he slept and that is the simple truth of it. Get out now.

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Original poster

user1488925414 · 07/03/2017 23:07

My partner comes from, what I believe to be, an abusive home. He was taught that anger and violence was normal and he is, still to this day, frightened of his parents (they haven't hit him in years but Mother frequently rejects him and controls him through fear!)

Partner has NEVER been violent towards me or baby but I understand what you are all saying about where this could lead, especially knowing his history, and I have to put my children first.

My heart breaks for him as he's known nothing other than a violent upbringing as the norm (I didn't know any of this until we'd had our daughter unfortunately!)

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 07/03/2017 23:09

Your heart shouldn't break for him but for your child. She deserves better.

SuperPug · 07/03/2017 23:10

This is a horrible situation but I think there is an element of delusion. Why do you want to help him? He sounds too immature and selfish to deal with a child and his mother seems to be living in the 19tj century. He's vile to both you and your child.

LanaorAna1 · 07/03/2017 23:11

Why did you get pregnant again? How does he feel about that?

RedastheRose · 07/03/2017 23:12

Please either leave or ask him to leave. If his relationship with his child(ren) and you mean anything to him then he will go and get anger management counselling and move heaven and earth to make things better with you. If he doesn't then you know where you and your children stand and you will be better off without having another 'child' to deal with! You cannot risk him being alone with your child in case he lashes out and that is a serious risk ATM. Unfortunately it sounds like he is acting like a teenager not an adult and when you are raising a child an adult by your side is what you need. You sound lovely btw, a caring mum, and since you are doing everything anyway you will probably find life easier without him living with you. It is horrible to find that the person you thought he was doesn't exist anymore but better to deal with that now and leave and gave the chance of finding someone who will care for you and your children probably than waste your life on someone who doesn't. Oh and his mum is an idiot, this is not 1950, he is supposed to be a parent and share the responsibilities of being one!

SuperPug · 07/03/2017 23:12

Just read your recent post- how can you be heart broken over a man who says things that are so horrible, to a young child, you cannot write them down? It's still abuse, although verbal rather than physical.
Sadly, many people grow up in awful households but it doesn't give you a free pass to act like this.

SuperPug · 07/03/2017 23:13

Him rather than you, typo.

Yamadori · 07/03/2017 23:13

He isn't depressed, he is an arsehole. All this started after your dc was born because he isn't getting your undivided attention any more. He's jealous of a tiny baby. He wants the world to revolve around him.

He's never going to change - his mother has seen to that.

Ditch him (and his godawful mum).

Original poster

user1488925414 · 07/03/2017 23:14

Pregnancy wasn't planned - we had a mishap with contraception.

Partner wasn't thrilled at first but seems to have 'come around' because him and his mother are desperate for a boy.

I adore my little girl and I will adore this baby too .... my children are the most wonderful blessings ever ❤

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 07/03/2017 23:15

He isn't depressed.

He just doesn't love her.

DearMrDilkington · 07/03/2017 23:16

Please leave him before he physically harms your daughter.

Obsidian77 · 07/03/2017 23:17

His behaviour is dreadful. It would just take one incident of him really losing it for serious harm to come to your DD. You must understand that this is a reality.
Your job as a mum is to put your child's well-being first. Not a lazy, selfish, entitled wanker who makes no effort to be a proper father.
Talk to your GP, Women's Aid, your Health Visitor. Do something about this now. You and your DD should not have to put up with this abuse.

PastysPrincess · 07/03/2017 23:22

"Partner wasn't thrilled at first but seems to have 'come around' because him and his mother are desperate for a boy."

and what happens if you have another girl? What has his mother got to do with it. Is he just gonna revert back to arsehole mode when you aren't able to do your job and a pop out a boy for him??

Icequeen01 · 07/03/2017 23:29

And if you do have a boy, imagine how your little girl will feel growing up knowing her father favours his son. Alternatively, he will get stressed with two children whatever the sex of your second baby and you will have two emotionally abused children. Please don't allow this to happen. Your children need you to protect them not facilitate their emotionally abusive father.

SittingAround1 · 07/03/2017 23:30

This is not a normal situation and is potentially very damaging for your daughter.
Do you know if you're having a boy? Either way it isn't good. If you have another girl she'll be a disappointment. If you have a boy your first daughter will feel she's a disappointment & the boy might feel the weight of expectation on him.

Your daughter needs to be your priority over supporting your husband. He does sound as though he needs help to get over his childhood but he needs to do this himself.

PickAChew · 07/03/2017 23:35

He is not your project to fix at the expect of your daughter - and of the future daughter that you have a 50% chance of having, much to the disappointment of him and his bloody mother.

twattymctwatterson · 07/03/2017 23:40

He's a cunt and his mother is batshit. He's verbally and emotionally abusing a 9 month old baby. You can't help him, you can only help your daughter

KurlyWurly88 · 07/03/2017 23:57

Try to think what your life will look like this time next year or in 2/3/4 or 10 years both with AND without your partner.

Will he turn back into the man before having your DD? Does he want to become his old self again?

Ultimately, this is up to him - and you have to make it clear to him that you expect this man to return.

You expect your daughter to have a supportive father and that you want to raise her together.

You have to decide how long you are prepared to wait for this.

Despite him suffering in his youth, it doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you or his daughter, and loving and forgiving him to end of this earth won't resolve his issues - only HE can work his problems.

In the meantime perhaps why not suggest to home that you take some parenting classes together? It might help explain your daughters behavioir to him. He might also realise that parenting doesn't have to be the type that he experienced growing up.

BLW groups or courses (or books) are also a good way to explain to your partner why babies play with food, or why they don't eat straight away like an adult.

I got my partner a 'daddy guide book' and it really helped to engage him! He was much more patient with my baby after he understood her behaviour!

You sound like a lovely caring partner and mum! Please try to look after yourself as well as everybody else!

PS totally ignore your MIL (I do)! And minimise contact as much as you can!

Good Luck and take care xxxx

KurlyWurly88 · 07/03/2017 23:59

Suggest to him that you take a parenting class together!

Sorry about any other typos I might have missed!

BluePheasant · 08/03/2017 00:07

Run like the wind. Seriously what kind of dad calls their baby names and gets angry at them for just being a baby? This is only going to get worse and I would be v concerned that as DD gets to toddler stage his behaviour will progress to physical abuse. Smacking, pushing, rough handling, it escalates. If he finds a baby annoying then how on earth is he going to cope with toddler tantrums, accidents while potty training etc

Whatever his issues are, your main priority is DD . Get out now before he does her harm be that emotional or physical.

SoTheySentMeA · 08/03/2017 00:16

On my god OP your partner is a shit dad and your poor little girl deserves better than to be verbally abused at 9 months old! This will only get worse - if it's like this already you can bet that physical abuse is not far behind. Please, please, take your baby girl and RUN LIKE THE WIND

Mamagin · 08/03/2017 00:25

Are you married? Who owns the house? Do you work? What sort of support system do you have? Where are your parents, and what sort of upbringing did you have to think that this behaviour is in any way acceptable?
Discuss with women's aid the best way of leaving, and if possible, leave his name off the new babies birth certificate.

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