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Original poster

Partner stressed by our baby.

101 replies

user1488925414 · 07/03/2017 22:40

Hello,

Im looking for some advice on how to help my partner.

My partner is constantly 'stressed out' by our nine month old baby. He gets so wound up by the slightest thing, whether our little one plays with her dinner, or is trying to grab something she shouldn't, even if she's being a little chatterbox, or struggling to sleep; all of these things, plus more, (which I deem as our daughter just being an exploring baby) stress him out.

Since her birth I have witnessed my partner shout at our baby for not going to sleep, put her dinner in the bin because she's being a little fussy, I am embarrassed to admit this but I've even heard him call her names (of which I can't bare to repeat let alone write on here!)

My partner has never offered to help out with our daughter, I always have to ask him. It got to the stage where, a few months back, my partner had almost no interaction with our daughter, so I started to encourage him to do things like dinner time and bedtime with her, just for them to bond. But now he gets so stressed by her (and I don't understand why because our daughter is as good as gold!) that I can feel myself getting anxious and upset about him carrying out these routines.

I've tried to talk to my partner about his temper several times but he insists that his behaviour is 'just who he is.' My partner has also blamed his 'feeling stressed' on me, insisting that he's not 'getting enough' (if you know what I mean) and states that our relationship is 's**t!' 😥

My partner's mother has informed me that my partner doesn't want to have to look after our baby when he gets in from work, and that he just wants to put his feet up and relax. She has advised me that my role is to keep him happy and that means making sure I look after our daughter and let him do what he wants of an evening/weekend. His mother told me she has brought him up to believe that a woman should be the sole carer of her children (which I pretty much am anyway) and that I should be pandering to his every needs. Apparently my lack of doing so, is why he is stressed out 😥

Is this my fault?!

I cannot help feeling that, if what his mother says is actually what he wants (which he denys but then moans at me for not being able to go out with his mates or play the games console every night) then why is he still living with our daughter and me? I don't understand why he wanted to have children with me.

I really want to support my partner and to try and help him but I'm struggling to know what to do for the best. I found out recently that I'm pregnant with our second child and I'm absolutely terrified of bringing another baby into a household where my partner looses his temper so easily, and spends every day reminding me of all the things he can't do now he has children.

Does this behaviour sound normal for a new Dad? Am I over reacting when I say that I feel some of his actions are completely unacceptable (I would like to add here that my partner still goes out and gets absolutely bladdered once a week, every week, and is so hungover over the weekend he can barely function let alone look after a child!)

I'm really tempted to leave but I don't want to jeopardise the relationship my partner could have with our daughter. I don't want to break up a home, especially if he is struggling. I just feel like he regrets having our daughter, and this deverstates me - she is absolutely wonderful!!

This has been going on for nearly nine months now and I'm really worried about how this is impacting our daughter, and, moving forwards, our new arrival.

What can I do to help him?! 😥

OP posts:
Mamagin · 08/03/2017 00:29

daddy guidebook
Fuck.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 08/03/2017 00:51

Daddy guide book? Was it called "Don't be an abusive arse?"
Another voice saying run. If you have a boy, this vile man (who is not the victim here, he may have been in his life but he chooses to act this way in your child's life) this man and his abusive mother will mould your precious boy into another generation of woman hating pricks.
Get advice, get away, get your child safe.

Topseyt · 08/03/2017 02:00

Daddy guide book my arse. This man is abusive to a nine month old baby. He isn't safe to be around her, and no Daddy guide book will change that when he has made it crystal clear that he finds her an inconvenience at best.

Dumping him is the only thing that will work. Don't feel guilty. Just remember how full of absolute shit he and his god awful mother are.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Families
Chottie · 08/03/2017 02:02

Please, please, please do not ever leave your DD alone with this man. He has major problems and anger management issues.

TwoDogs9 · 08/03/2017 04:00

Please leave ASAP, reading your post made me really sad for your daughter. Sad

AppleMagic · 08/03/2017 04:14

There's no such condition as PNS (postnatal sexism).

If you're in any doubt about what to do think how damaging it has been to your partner to grow up with these sorts of attitudes from a parent and think about whether you want the same for your children.

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 08/03/2017 04:34

Your not going to listen so there isn't much point..

But in case you do.

Leave. You are worth more and start thinking about your children.

highinthesky · 08/03/2017 04:46

OMG, this beggars belief.

His behaviour is not reasonable, and he's not going to change (just look to his mum for evidence of this). The thing that's keeping you with him is your emotional vulnerability. How can you tolerate someone who treats your baby this way? And it's taken 9 months for you to contemplate taking action?

You needn't do anything of course, and then wonder in years to come why your children have been taken away from you. By which time they will have suffered untold childhood trauma. They deserve so much better and do do you.

Atenco · 08/03/2017 04:48

Of course OP is going to listen, she adores her dd.

A very dear friend of mine had an abusive childhood. You know she went and found counselling for years precisely because she did not want to reproduce her mother's behaviour with her own child. Your DP is doing f* all about his abusive childhood, he is reproducing it with your child and trying to use his abuse of his own daughter to blackmail you into having sex.

You can't help people who won't help themselves and don't see any problem with their behaviour.

Emeralda · 08/03/2017 07:12

Oh dear OP, you probably weren't expecting such a strong reaction on here and it might be a bit overwhelming. Who do you have around you in real life? What do they say?

He can't change where he has come from but he can change how he reacts now, to make his DC's childhood better than his own. That needs to be done fast as he's having an impact on DD now. It doesn't sound like he's willing to change.
Look after yourself and please do get support in real life. Flowers

Luckybe40 · 08/03/2017 07:21

Jesus OP, time to wake up and smell the coffee! You're living with a small baby and one on the way I'm a very abusive environment. Face it, it's time to do something to protect your little family. Trust me, it's a lot easier to leave when they are babies. And stop bloody pandering to your shit DH, why??? Just why? How can you stand to even look at him? Can't control his temper my ass! What is he...3? He's just a shit dad, you need to get him back to his mummy.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/03/2017 08:21

There are so much I could say about how angry I feel for you and how worried I am about your current and upcoming child that I can't rationally write it all down. My anger and concerns about so many things you have said had got my mind all jumbled.

All I will say is that this is not normal, put your children first and leave.

ocelot41 · 08/03/2017 08:38

Hello user, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. My DH got depression after our DS was born - any huge life change can do it. This also manifest as anger, not sadness, so at first I didn't realise what was going on. He struggled to bond with DS (who was a very screamy baby with acute reflux) and our relationship was difficult for a while - really difficult, actually. But nothing, nothing like what you have described. I am so sorry for you. I can't think of anything worse Sad

numberseven · 08/03/2017 08:43

Depression or not, his mother told you how he was raised and what his expections are. Send him back to momma who can serve him when he comes back from work and puts his feet up.

numberseven · 08/03/2017 08:43

Expectations, even. Too upset to type properly.

ineedwine99 · 08/03/2017 08:45

His mother is a bloody idiot bringing him up like that and he's just a waste if your time. It's not normal to behave like that, yes we all get frustrated at times but we don't behave like he is. You and your baby deserve someone who'll support you and care for you. You are not his servent, if he wants that lifestyle he should go back to his mummy.
Hoping you have some support to help you as I really think your better of without him. I'd be worried with the new baby coming that he'll have an even shorter fuse and may stray past shouting

Megatherium · 08/03/2017 08:49

My heart breaks for him as he's known nothing other than a violent upbringing as the norm (I didn't know any of this until we'd had our daughter unfortunately!)

I don't really understand this given his mother's attitude - are you sure he's not exaggerating?

But even if it's correct, if he really loved you and your daughter he would be prepared to do something about it, for instance by going for counselling and anger management, rather than saying that that's "just who he is" and that you and your baby have to put up with it.

mycavitiesareempty · 08/03/2017 08:51

If you do have a boy, chances are he will grow up like his dad. He is likely to treat his future wife and children (if he has them) like your DH treats you and your daughter. Your children will also be seriously damaged by being with an abusive man.

Some people will try and excuse his behaviour by saying he is just old-fashioned, a traditional 'strong' breadwinning man, etc. But frankly that is total and utter BS.

I think leaving is the only option. You're not going to change him.

Patienceisvirtuous · 08/03/2017 08:53

Wake up OP and put your innocent children first.

Thinkingblonde · 08/03/2017 08:58

Leave him, he's an abusive,spoiled, petulant arsehole who will get worse as your baby gets older. His mother? Well, words fail me.
I hope you pulled him up each and every time he's done or said something abusive and derogatory to your daughter.
As for his writing off the weekends due to being hungover, get the noisiest household appliances going that you can find.
Seriously though, you have to leave with your daughter, it'll be tough when the new baby comes but at least you won't have a 12 stone xxxaged toddler throwing his toys out of the pram when mummy won't give him the attention he thinks he's entitled to.
I'd be worried sick if I ever had to leave her in his care.
Go, run like the wind.

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 08/03/2017 09:02

This has started since the baby was born because suddenly he wasn't getting all the attention, not because of PND. He won't get any less selfish with another baby in the house. If he won't even take responsibility for his attitude, can you really see there being any improvement, ever?

ElspethFlashman · 08/03/2017 09:03

There's no cure for being a cunt.

Start protecting your daughte!!! You should have kicked him out the minute he called her name's you can't even bring yourself to type.

You say you adore her, yet apparently not so much you'd remove her from such vile and cruel behaviour. You're making her live with her abuser.

ChocChocPorridge · 08/03/2017 09:06

Christ OP - the relationship that your partner has with your daughter is one where, even at her cutest, he gets angry at her, a baby.

He doesn't want a relationship with her, he doesn't want to spend time with her or care for her. There's nothing good here to jeopardize.

Get out, now, while you only have one babe in arms to manage, so you can be set up and ready for your new arrival.

Thinkingblonde · 08/03/2017 09:11

Echoing a pp up thread, I have a friend who had an abusive childhood, his father was awful to both of his children, the mother did nothing to stop the abuse, awful physical abusive, name calling, belittling, abuse. My friend married but was so worried that he'd continue the cycle of abuse he and his late wife decided not to have children. He is wonderful man and I think he'd have been a wonderful father.

Gallavich · 08/03/2017 09:13

He's not depressed, he's abusive.
There are so many risk factors here. He had an abusive childhood himself, he doesn't have an attachment relationship with her and he isn't motivated to change.
You absolutely need to leave him and protect your children from him. If you stay with him your children will grow up thinking abuse is normal, he will wreck their self esteem and they will be abused or abusive adults when they grow up.

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