Worried about bringing up a boy (anyone else?)

[goldenrachita]

Hello! I’m 25 weeks (first pregnancy, I’m over 40) and we found out 2 months ago we’re having a boy. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was shocked. Literally all the women I know who are like me in personality and interests have girls, and I always believed mums naturally get what they’re best suited to. But I’m just stereotypically female in every way. I hated maths/science, terrible with technology, useless and disinterested in sport, very cautious and terrified of risk-taking behaviour (I was that child who wouldn’t go underwater, rollerskate or climb anything), have no sense of competition, I never get angry so struggle to ‘get’ male emotions, I’m not a physical person at all, I like to verbalise everything, find action films and video games mind-numbingly boring, walk out of the room when Formula 1 is on as the car noise grates on me, no spatial awareness, I don’t have male friends and prefer to gravitate to women at work events etc.

On top of this, everyone keeps telling me I’ll ‘obviously’ have a girl as they can’t ever imagine me with a boy, which puts me off telling people. We did tell my siblings but they instantly said ‘it will be nice for [various male members] of the family’ rather than saying why a boy would be nice for me. I’m assuming they couldn’t come up with any reasons and that made me sad, for my baby as well as myself!

Both sides of our families are all nephews- I love them but despite trying hard I find their boisterous behaviour/violent superhero talk frustrating. I’m sad I can’t find things in common with them. By contrast, I get such joy from chatting to/playing with friends’ girls and they love spending time with me, we just ‘click’, but sadly I don’t see them often. I really crave a chance to play with dolls, read girly books, decorate pretty things, style hair and share all the things I adored as a child. The usual advice is to do these thing with a niece but I don’t have one.

In honesty I cried for weeks (judge away!) but I’ve now adjusted, realised I need to be grateful. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I just think I had a lot of particular skills to offer a girl and was far too over-excited to be the mummy my little girl would dream of. I will love this baby because he’s ours, I’m excited about the baby stage and it will be fine, but I feel a bit ‘wrong’ and like I need to change my nature to be any good at bringing up a boy, which is scary. I just don’t know any women as extremely girly as me with boys (the boy mums I know like at least some ‘boy’ things, even if it’s Star Wars or Lego; or they’re the no nonsense alpha female type) so I wonder how I’ll manage when he’s older or if he’ll find me annoying/boring.

Online I find hundreds of lists of ‘reasons to love having boys’ that are just catalogues of things I can’t relate to, like getting dirty/the outdoors, the joys of ‘more interesting’ mechanical toys, ‘hilarious’ fart jokes or ‘cheaper clothes’ (if you don’t care….but I’m seriously into fashion and I’m finding nice boys’ clothes hard to find and cost twice as much).

My DH was happy with either and will be the great male role model our little one needs, but after we found out he did say he’d secretly felt a girl might suit us better as a couple (he is the ‘protective daddy’ type, he’s fanatically hygiene/clean-conscious and we live in a tiny flat with no garden- all the boy mums I know say they need a lot of outdoor time), so that didn’t help.

Are there any ultra- girly mums out there who can relate to my experience? I really need some advice and help.

DD brings a lot more mud into the house than DS. DDs do not have to be raised to be little princesses. Both are brilliant both are different but not in a predetermined way.

OP all of your analysis will be turned on its head when you actually have your little DS. It really will.
He'll be whatever he is and like whatever he likes. And you'll be great even if he's into totally the opposite sort of thing you are. Because that's to a large extent what mothering is about.

I have four of them and some themes have stayed the same but the differences are much more noticeable. Because they are four different, actual people.

In honesty I'm bored senseless with the clothes now but that's just me. 😉

If your friends are saying that, go and do a maths and a science course, ditch the friends and find some real human beings instead.

Oh also whatever gender your child is if you go to a school parents evening and say "my child won't be good at maths because I wasn't" I will send my 70-something ex maths teacher DM round to slap you.
Assuming your child will be good/bad at X because you were is the laziest possible thinking.

"I'm stereotypically female in every way" - and then you list a whole bunch of characteristics that have nothing to do with being female.

So women who enjoy maths, sport, happy to be friends with whoever and don't care about gender, etc etc, are displaying characteristics that aren't female?

You're taking comfort from the people posting about gentle, sensitive, loving boys - as if the existence of such boys is a surprise to you.

You might have a boy like that, you might not.

Whatever, though. He will be your boy - unique in his own way, and you will love him, regardless of his personality or attributes.

I can't believe you described science and maths as boys interests .

Jesus wept.

Just to say we wanted a girls and got a boy. He's 2 now and is loving, funny, beautiful and naughty all in one! We are not into football or anything like that - were going to Centre Parcs layer this year and I'm booking DS onto a Bollywood dance class! Don't worry because you will love your boy more than you thought possible xx

He's just going to be a person. Some bits of him you'll find easy, other bits you'll struggle with, just like a girl.

I have 2 DSs. Chalk and cheese they are. One loves clothes shopping though, which is very convenient for me.

On behalf of all us supposedly butch mothers of boys....... you have silly pink fluff for brains.

I'm also a bit aghast at this thread particularly the notion that the OP has that her lack of mathematical and scientific ability is a consequence of her being female.

My mother also longed for a girl that could be a stereotypical girl and her best friend who shared all her 'girly' interests. I've been a source of continuing disappointment to her my whole life. At least with a son your child can escape from that weight of expectation.

I have a 3 year old boy and he's amazing! Yes he has lots of energy and likes his superheros, cars and octonauts but he also loves stories, baking, cuddles, going to the library and colouring.

Although I wouldn't necessarily be interested in everything he is if I was in my own, I enjoy seeing him enjoy things/playing with him.

Who knows what he'll like as he gets older - my 19 year old nephew is very sporty and into cars/football, however, he still want out to a wine bar with his mum the other evening!

Don't forget that you and your husband will.influence your son.

Oh and I am a female physicist so some women love science

I've worked in private daycare with hundreds of babies and toddlers and trust me, every child is different. I didn't notice any natural preferences for certain toys or activities when given an actual free choice. Quite a few parents were unhappy though if their child was doing something they deemed for the opposite sex. Lots of parents would bring their DDs in totally impractical clothing and ask us to not let them play outside, or paint, or do anything messy in case their dresses got dirty. One Dad said we would make his son gay if we continued to allow him play dressing up and take part in baking. The same parents would say that boys naturally prefer a,b and c, that girls naturally prefer pink, when it's more that they've been socialised to do those. When the children are offered and encouraged to try a variety of toys and activities and didn't have anyone saying "the dolls house is for girls" etc the vast majority genuinely did not gravitate to the stereotyped play.

I don't know what you think I'm going to do to damage my little baby with gender stereotypes?
A few examples

Voicing your belief that science and maths is a male thing and that you didn't like it because you were girl.

If you had a girl, that message will sink in, if she ends up believing it herself, she may not out the effort in those lessons, because what's the point, she's a girl and not doing well in maths and science limits her career choices, which will impact on her adult life.

The pushing your fashion hobby on a child and dressing them in clothes with the aim of making them gorgeous will teach her them how they look is what's important, that following everyone else is what they should do, I know you say they are free to choose when they get older, but how likely are they to do that after years of positive interactions from you and the outside world about how good they look in whatever outfit, about how handsome he is etc. They can end up feeling pressured to look good and can cause a host of mh issues later in life if they feel they dont/can't conform. They may end up judging others based on looks too, esp if they hear adults making comments about other adults and children's appearances.

Until/unless he shows a preference otherwise, I'm likely to gravitate to more 'girly' or 'unisex' toys like little people, animals or houses rather than transport/robots just because I get more excited about them and I know what to do with them, so I don't feel so lost. As he grows up, he will be free to choose his own interests. I can't see how any of that is damaging.

Again, how likely is he to choose something you don't like if he's picked up that mammy is happier playing with him when doing something she likes, that she's more engaged when doing something "girly" I understand about feeling lost, but honestly, your son won't be born knowing how to play with a truck, he will understand as much about robots as you do, you learn together, you make your own style of playing.

I fucking hate Star Wars, but I found myself looking forward to watching the latest one because I knew dd loved it, and her being happy and excited to do something she likes, makes me happy. I know quite a bit about it now , not because I read up, but though interacting with dd and paying attention to what she says. I've never pushed or tried to get her into any of my hobbies and figured she'd ask to try them when she's older if that's what she wanted. She enjoys one of my hobbies but not so much with me, it's something she'd rather do with her peers, she shares a passion for rugby with her aunt after going to see the all blacks with school and they go to the local matches together.

I know you say you wouldn't treat a boy or girl differently but If that were true, you wouldn't have been upset at having a boy. You can do all the things you mentioned with any child, there shouldn't be one type of parenting for a boy, and one type of parenting for a girl.

Offer your boy a balanced mix of toys from the start and follow his lead, if he shows interest and excitement for something you feel lost about, just remember he is new to it too, other parents will comment judge on your parenting choice, pay no attention to them. Buy that dolls house and tell everyone else to fuck off :)

My post is long so I shall stfu, but I can tell you about my Dads rigid ideas about girls and boys and how it impacted on my db and myself if you are interested.

I think your post is excellent OverThinking, and frightening too . The damage parents can do to their kids . . .

The whole maths/science thing being more for boys really REALLY annoys me.

If you believe this then it's prob better you're having a boy as you might end up affecting a girl's confidence in these subjects.

You are definitely over analysing the situation. Why would you not be able to play with 'transport' toys - just get a train and make chuff chuff noises.

I'm also wondering why it's weird to make cars and trains talk to each other. Has none of your social circle ever seen Thomas the tank engine (I wouldn't blame them to be fair) or Cars?

Great post, OverthinkingSpartacus! Such a shame that some parents have such rigid and unhelpful ideas about gender - we picked my little boy up from Nursery yesterday and he was dressed as tinkerbell (or in his words, a butterfly). So cute!

On the fashion thing, it really infruriates me when I see children dressed as little fashion models instead of something practical that allows them to play and explore to the best of their abilities. Bear that in mind, OP - your little boy will need to be able to move around easily and not be hampered by what ever natty fairisle number you've put him in!

OP - there's nothing to say your little boy will want to engage with science and maths or be fixated with robots. He will be his own fabulous person whatever your interests and preconceived ideas about how he might turn out. Enjoy every minute! Re the empathy / compassion, really think that can be nurture not nature, all down to the way you and your DH are with him. I am due my second DS any day now and can't wait to see how different they are even if secretly I am hoping he loves cricket as much as his Dad and big brother so I can retire as second slip

And I'm the least likely person to bring up a boy in stereotypical way because as my OP said, I wouldn't know how to!

You do know how to, you're just not aware of it. This is why I suggested reading books on the topic, they are extremely helpful at opening your eyes to the subconscious behaviour and attitudes we all have. We are all brought up within a certain culture that teaches us how to think about more or less everything. I didn't suggest reading books on gender stereotyping so that you'd feel better about having a boy, but because it will help you realise how many ideas you subconsciously have about how girls and boys, men and women should behave, dress, speak, what they should like, be good at, what jobs they should do etc. etc.

"I never get angry so struggle to ‘get’ male emotions"

So now women can't get angry????!!!!

What do we make of that, Nest of Vipers?

I get so much more angry than my DH ever does.

I'm a well of anger and negative emotions.

I probably need to be sent to some kind of ladies finishing school to be properly taught the ways of the female.

I'm a mother to a girl, and I'm 34 weeks pregnant with a boy. This is one of the most bizarre and over thought threads I've seen. Genuinely weird!

Both my children will be raised the same, I thought that would just make fucking sense. I don't get women or men but that's my ASD, not my idea of gender.

Loved some of the responses though! Bravo

"If anything, I think I built it up too much and got too anxious about being the ideal mum, because I waited so long, but there are a lot of people here who maybe don't understand that so well."

What we can't understand is why you or anyone else should imagine that thinking of a little girl as someone whose personality you can determine would make you an ideal mum.

To me, an ideal mum is someone who sees her children as individuals. Not someone who thinks an unwillingness to step out of her comfort zone would make her "the mummy my little girl would dream of".

I see your DH is male - presumably you get on fine with him - and maybe even share a few interests?

As it happens, I'm not that interested in football but I regularly stand on a cold muddy field because my son enjoys playing it and I do it for him - gladly and even getting pleasure out of seeing him do something he likes. He doesn't have to be a carbon copy of me for me to love him, support him and enjoy him.

I never get angry so struggle to ‘get’ male emotions

Agree, cory, that this is really alarming. Were you expecting your imaginary daughter to share your sense that anger is a 'male emotion'? What do women do instead of getting angry, in your universe, OP?

Actually, this has to be someone conducting a gender experiment, because no one is this obtuse, and thinks men are angry, competitive and mathsy, while women are twee, ladylike and can't get their pretty little heads around anger, putting their heads underwater or Lego. [hmmm]

Actually, this has to be someone conducting a gender experiment, because no one is this obtuse, and thinks men are angry, competitive and mathsy, while women are twee, ladylike and can't get their pretty little heads around anger, putting their heads underwater or Lego. [hmmm]

Terrifyingly, more and more people are thinking like this. You only have to read on here and people honestly buy into the pink brain/blue brain hypothesis. In the real world, even more so. Like i said, i have a non conforming child, who is treated entirely differently depending on how she's dressed.

People only pick up on the stereotypical behaviours. I've been lectured on "girl behaviour" because my toddler was carrying a wee handbag. When she emptied out said handbag and started playing with the many cars, planes and trains it contained, that was ignored, and only the handbag was spoken about.