Worried about bringing up a boy (anyone else?)

[goldenrachita]

Hello! I’m 25 weeks (first pregnancy, I’m over 40) and we found out 2 months ago we’re having a boy. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was shocked. Literally all the women I know who are like me in personality and interests have girls, and I always believed mums naturally get what they’re best suited to. But I’m just stereotypically female in every way. I hated maths/science, terrible with technology, useless and disinterested in sport, very cautious and terrified of risk-taking behaviour (I was that child who wouldn’t go underwater, rollerskate or climb anything), have no sense of competition, I never get angry so struggle to ‘get’ male emotions, I’m not a physical person at all, I like to verbalise everything, find action films and video games mind-numbingly boring, walk out of the room when Formula 1 is on as the car noise grates on me, no spatial awareness, I don’t have male friends and prefer to gravitate to women at work events etc.

On top of this, everyone keeps telling me I’ll ‘obviously’ have a girl as they can’t ever imagine me with a boy, which puts me off telling people. We did tell my siblings but they instantly said ‘it will be nice for [various male members] of the family’ rather than saying why a boy would be nice for me. I’m assuming they couldn’t come up with any reasons and that made me sad, for my baby as well as myself!

Both sides of our families are all nephews- I love them but despite trying hard I find their boisterous behaviour/violent superhero talk frustrating. I’m sad I can’t find things in common with them. By contrast, I get such joy from chatting to/playing with friends’ girls and they love spending time with me, we just ‘click’, but sadly I don’t see them often. I really crave a chance to play with dolls, read girly books, decorate pretty things, style hair and share all the things I adored as a child. The usual advice is to do these thing with a niece but I don’t have one.

In honesty I cried for weeks (judge away!) but I’ve now adjusted, realised I need to be grateful. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I just think I had a lot of particular skills to offer a girl and was far too over-excited to be the mummy my little girl would dream of. I will love this baby because he’s ours, I’m excited about the baby stage and it will be fine, but I feel a bit ‘wrong’ and like I need to change my nature to be any good at bringing up a boy, which is scary. I just don’t know any women as extremely girly as me with boys (the boy mums I know like at least some ‘boy’ things, even if it’s Star Wars or Lego; or they’re the no nonsense alpha female type) so I wonder how I’ll manage when he’s older or if he’ll find me annoying/boring.

Online I find hundreds of lists of ‘reasons to love having boys’ that are just catalogues of things I can’t relate to, like getting dirty/the outdoors, the joys of ‘more interesting’ mechanical toys, ‘hilarious’ fart jokes or ‘cheaper clothes’ (if you don’t care….but I’m seriously into fashion and I’m finding nice boys’ clothes hard to find and cost twice as much).

My DH was happy with either and will be the great male role model our little one needs, but after we found out he did say he’d secretly felt a girl might suit us better as a couple (he is the ‘protective daddy’ type, he’s fanatically hygiene/clean-conscious and we live in a tiny flat with no garden- all the boy mums I know say they need a lot of outdoor time), so that didn’t help.

Are there any ultra- girly mums out there who can relate to my experience? I really need some advice and help.

I know girls can be really active too but I hear so much from mums of boys that they need to be exercised

That is them buying in to the stereotype, not a reflection on innate qualities.

It's almost "training". Girls try to run around, they're told to sit down and play nicely until they do it. Boys run around, and it's because boys need excercise, so boys tacitly have permission to run loose and aren't asked to quietly, so it's assumed they can't because of their willy or something.

As an example, i have a girl with short hair. Even she notices, of she goes to the park in "girls" clothes, a skirt, or pink top, people will tell her to be careful, ask if her mum knows she's at the top of the big slide, boys will be told to "mind the little girl". People offer to help her down, tell her to watch the mud in case she gets dirty.

If she goes in jeans and a plain t, the comments u-turn and parents start pointing out the boy at the top of the slide, wow it's amazing you can get right up there, move out the way for the little boy millie, he wants to climb right to the top. I get parents telling me how boys need to be exercised, but i'll be grateful when "he's" a teenage because boys are easier. Honestly they look at me like i have two heads when i refer to her as "she".

It's social expectation, far more than natural behavioirs.

My two DS are a lot of things you have described OP, but also, funny, hard-working, very kind, very sensitive, imaginative, loyal and a lot of fun. Just wait for that moment when your DS is taller than you and gives you a hug or a little patronising tap on the head. I promise you it will fill your heart with complete and utter joy. You have a lot to look forward to OP.

Reallyanotherone- I've read loads on gender etc. but I find it more helpful to look at real life. The mums I know are the type to moan about too much pink and would find a baby with a bow on her head horrendous, so hardly from the 1950s. However, mums of both boys and girls tell me they are different. They say when 10 boys come to their house they run and wrestle and shoot guns, and if you invited 10 girls round they'd make a dance show. My nephews on both sides of the family like music and art, share their feelings etc and are not being brought up in a remotely bigoted way. But ultimately they ALL prefer cars to dolls, they ALL prefer action to long conversations about what they did at school that day or what their friends are like, they like animals but prefer talking about how dangerous they are, if they are poisonous etc than anything else. It is possible they are a totally unrepresentative sample or they need to read books on gender but as far as I can see they are just kids doing what kids do. If I am personally more comfortable with what these particular girls tend to do, rather than what these particular boys tend to do, that doesn't make me bigoted either.

So many gender stereotypes, I'm quite shocked really.
Girls need to go to the park aswell, they don't sit around meekly playing with their dolls all day!
I think you need to forget all the stereotyping and concentrate on getting to know your son.he will let you know what interests him, so go with that.
Why do you care what others think if you bought him a dolls house?

Posts like this make me wonder why the fuck people who think they will experience GD (which is bullshit) even bother having kids. You do realise that a. There was always a 50/50 chance of getting the wrong sex baby and b. They are a person. Not a toy, a best friend in waiting, a commodity. It always just leaves me in shock and awe. Dear friends of mine have had multiple miscarriages, still births, ill babies and when I read this crap it makes me sick. Your gender stereotyping of both sexes is disgusting and makes you sound about 13.

OP I have 2 boys only. I honestly love and adore my boys to bits. I cannot imagine what life would have been like if we had a girl. I only have a sister so didn't need have much experience of boys before mine came along.
I love doing stuff with them and that includes things they are into that I have no interest in on my own, but it's so lovely to have that time with them and see the pleasure they have.
My role as mom is to fill them with as much love as I can every day, and to teach them to grow up to be good decent men. I cherish this time now a short they are growing up so fast and in a few years they won't want me any more and will Ben having their own lives.
Honestly it will be brilliant! Boys are the absolute best (and they love their mummy's very much). Please don't worry and cherish and love your boy.

Cross post OP, glad to help. One other thing I noticed in your posts, you mentioned some family members being glad to have boys and relishing the 'boyness' of them. I would presume they are bringing them up in a certain way that encourages them to develop parts of their family. As others have said, you will bring your son up in your own way and that will influence how he develops.

Your baby will be just a baby like every other baby, boy or girl. There is nothing different about them when they are newborn other than how you clean them when you change a nappy. They are just little individual people, who have yet to develop their own personalities. There's no guarantee that they'll have any particular interests or character traits, and how you, your partner and wider family/friends interact with them will influence how they develop.

If you (your partner, family & friends) have very fixed ideas about expected behaviour based on sex (which you seem to from what you've said here), then your children are very likely grow up with very fixed ideas about what is expected from each sex. Personally I think it's a shame for that to be the case, because if they have interests or character traits that don't conform to your expectations then it can cause a lot of stress and upset unnecessarily. Isn't it better to not have any expectations based on stereotypes?

Thermoscan, cowgirlsareforever- I am really grateful for your replies.

I have a son, and I was so excited when I found out we were having a boy as my family is full of girls!

My DP is looking forward to when he is older and they can do baking together.

Take that, gender stereotypes!

Whatever the gender of your child, they are not made in your image. You do not have a child so that you can go shopping with them, or do whatever it is that interests you. That's not what parenting is all about.

OP following on from your post at 12:25, sadly there is still a huge amount of stereotyping/subliminal messages from advertising, peers etc that does push children towards certain interests. This is more pronounced when you get a group of children together than one on one at home.

OP do you really think that all boys and girls conform to the stereotypes you and your friends/family believe in?

You believed mums naturally get what they're best suited to? You know the sex is determined by the sperm, right?

I'll be honest I always pictured myself as a mum to a girl but out he popped and blimey, the willy took me a bit by surprise! However, from the second he was placed in my arms, the love just overwhelmed me. He was my baby, couldn't care less about his sex. He's 2 now and I honestly couldn't now picture myself being a mum to a girl.
He's incredibly loving, I get lots of cuddles, he loves his cuddly toys and he pushes a pram around all the time. Equally, he loves getting muddy, is pretty bloody good with a football and he loves cars. Favourite TV programme is peppa pig. He has exactly the same likes as one of his best friends - she absolutely refuses to wear dresses though, whereas my DS will put a princess dress on at pre-school as soon as he gets there!

Stereotypes are the most infuriating thing, don't let them ruin your enjoyment of your last trimester or indeed the newborn stage.

Oh, and as for your DH and the flat, one of my DS would be quite happy living in a skip. The first thing my other DS will do when he walks into the living room is tidy the cushions. Whatever the gender you really never know what you'll end up getting

reallyanotherone- I agree with your last post actually to some extent. I don't think I treat boys and girls differently at all, but because I have a more steotypically female way of behaving to all kids I guess some people would say I am talking to the boy 'like a girl'. I'd be just as likely to tell the little boy at the top of a slide not to fall and hurt himself because I am so cautious. I notice other people do treat boys and girls differently and I find it really bizarre to be honest.

Sandylion- wow, you sound like an angry person! (!!!!) I was asking for help to be a good mum to my boy- it was so nice that I got some helpful replies but yours was just shouty!

I have two boys and I'm sorry your post just sounds ridiculous. Youve managed to write a massively long post all about you and I think you should terribly self absorbed.

Once you become a mother your focus shifts to raising your child and got most women it means your own wants and desires take a back seat. Your job is to love and nurture your child's personality, whatever that maybe be, regardless of sex. You need to put your big girl pants on, feel EXTREMELY lucky you are having a successful pregnancy and stop acting so melodramatic.

It's no wonder that equality is a long time coming if parents in 2017 are still already planning how to reinforce the stereotypes through boy/girl activities before it's even born when they find out what sex it's going to be. Kids will find their own interests and likes and dislikes. Their characters are not automatically determined by sex from birth.

It's true that all you know about your baby is his sex, but how accurately do you think you could guess the tastes, hobbies, likes, dislikes, clothing style and personality of another (adult or child) human being if all you knew about them was what sex they were? Not very accurately, I shouldn't think.

Oogle- That was such a good reply! Both those little kids sound like fun! :)

Before I even got pregnant I wondered what I would do with a boy? I come from a family full of girls and all my friends with children had girls. When I found out I was having a boy at my scan I was upset. Looking back on that now I can't believe I ever thought that way. My little boy has just turned two and he's absolutely amazing. He loves all the typical boy things that I was worried about, only now I love them too because I see how happy they make him. I love that he is rough and tumble and has no sense of fear when it comes to dirt! I love that he is full of energy and wants to explore everything. I also love that he's a sensitive little soul and will often come over and climb on my lap for a cuddle for no reason, will snuggle up and watch Disney princess films with me and bake cakes. He loves little babies and he has a dolly that he likes to push around in his pushchair.

Honestly, once your baby is here you will realise that the reasons you love them have absolutely nothing to do with their gender.

And from a purely superficial point of view I always thought dressing a girl would also be more fun, but I absolutely love dressing my little boy! There's so many lovely clothes out there for boys now it's not all track suits and trainers

I think you did get the sex you're best suited to because the world does not need a girl raised by the likes of you. You don't get science and maths because you're a girl? Jesus fuck. I guess that's my astronomy degree out the window then.

And please don't raise this poor boy to be another idiot "lad". Grow a brain and get some real interests for yourself and your child.

OP, you know what, read your post again in a few years' time and you'll laugh thatvyou ever imagined you wouldn't be "right" to bring up your gorgeous boy. You have so much fun ahead with him - he's your child, a person in his own right, who just happens to be male.

I have two sons - the stereotype you describe of sports, noise etc sort of applies to them at times, but they are complex thinking little people: sensitive, loving, thoughtful, entertaining. They love to make things (especially seeing!), they enjoy cooking, etc etc. Despite their masculinity I recognise aspects of myself in their personalities and approach to life. I have a third child too, a daughter. Funnily enough my eldest son is the most like me in terms of personality and looks! Just having a girl is no guarantee she'd be anything like your imagined little girl.

Good luck and enjoy your gorgeous boy. I promise you you have a wonderful perfect time coming up!

Well when you've comforted someone whose child has died, it kind of gives you the rage at people who post shit like this. If I were you I'd be more concerned about delivering a live and healthy child.

But I’m just stereotypically female in every way. I hated maths/science, terrible with technology, useless and disinterested in sport, very cautious and terrified of risk-taking behaviour (I was that child who wouldn’t go underwater, rollerskate or climb anything), have no sense of competition, I never get angry so struggle to ‘get’ male emotions, I’m not a physical person at all, I like to verbalise everything, find action films and video games mind-numbingly boring, walk out of the room when Formula 1 is on as the car noise grates on me, no spatial awareness,

There is your problem, OP. Not the baby boy you are carrying who isn't going to know he's a boy, or what being a boy or girl means, for quite a while after he leaves your body but the rigid gender stereotypes you appear to believe in, and to be surrounded by. I suggest you do some serious reading - maybe start with Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender? - and unpick the set of assumptions that are making you so unhappy about the prospect of having a son.

Sewing! They especially love sewing! Blooming autocorrect!