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Original poster

After some advice about parent favouritism

15 replies

Number52 · 26/02/2017 14:07

DS is 3 and a very happy, articulate, smashing little fella. But ever since his little brother arrived 9 months ago he has wanted his Dad to do everything for him rather than me. I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time, but is around a fair bit in the mornings/evenings/weekends. When DH is at work, DS never mentions him and is happy to hang out with me and DS2. But as soon as Daddy is home, he just wants him. He responds:'No, Daddy do it' to everything - getting him up in the morning, getting him dressed, giving him his breakfast, reading a story, brushing his teeth etc etc. I thought it would just be temporary but it's been going on for 9 months now and has really started to upset me. I've tried spending more time with him without DS2 but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Have other people experienced this? Did it stop? What did you do? I've tried to just ignore it and do whatever it is he wants DH to do, but DS just cries and gets himself really upset, so I always give in and let DH do it. All advice would be very welcome. Thank you.

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Batteriesallgone · 26/02/2017 14:12

I'm sorry to sound critical but I wouldn't continue and then 'give in'.

Either DH can do it and it's ok to give DS the choice (and why not?) or he can't do it and no matter how much DS cries he gets you.

We have only enforced the 'unwanted' parent when the other is truely unavailable (doing other chores, feeling ill). Otherwise, we let them play favourites when they see you don't care they swap favourites all the time anyway.

Try and enjoy it - oh DS wants you, shame, I'll just be sat in front of the telly....

Original poster

Number52 · 26/02/2017 14:22

Thank you, that's helpful. I will try to shrug it off and see if that helps at all. At the moment I can't imagine DS changing allegiance. I think he sees our family as mummy has the baby and he has daddy.

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Original poster

Number52 · 26/02/2017 19:39

Bumping. Anyone else out there experienced this?

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AllTheLight · 26/02/2017 20:10

I have three DC, one of them is a real Daddy's girl and will always want DH rather than me. She's 9 and not showing much sign of changing! Sorry OP. I do feel a bit sad about it, but also happy that he's such a lovely Dad to her.

Original poster

Number52 · 26/02/2017 20:51

Thanks allthelight. I do love that they have such a close relationship. I'll just have ensure DS2 is a mummy's boy!

OP posts:

KatyN · 26/02/2017 22:21

My 5 year old changes all the time. We both work part time so he gets equal time with both of us. It'll be a few months of one being favourite and the he'll swap back. Sometimes we give in to the 'daddy do it' and sometimes we don't it depends what's happening. We always take it on turns to do bedtime so that's not open to negotiation. I am favourite at the minute. No idea why. Not being the favourite does hurt a bit but it's his decision and he's too young to understand it's a bit hurtful to tell someone they aren't your favourite.
I'm sure it will settle down, but maybe sneak an extra cuddle in while your husband is at work. K

Semaphorically · 26/02/2017 22:24

DD (3) changes favourites all the time. I agree with the PPs who said if you're not bothered about it then they won't be.

OverOn · 26/02/2017 22:31

I wouldn't worry about it - your DS loves you just as much as his dad. My DS flips between me and his dad. Don't let it show that it upsets you that he prefers dad at times - he needs to know you love him regardless of whether he picks you or dad to do things for him.

You could also have set days where you do bedtime so you get a snuggle time before bed. If you're matter of fact about it being mummy's turn to put him to bed (don't be tempted to hand over to dad), he'll get used to it and stop with the tears.

Original poster

Number52 · 26/02/2017 22:48

Thanks guys. Good to know how others deal with it. And thank you Overon - appreciate your post and advice. xx

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LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 26/02/2017 22:52

I'm 24 and my mom still moans that I preferred/still prefer, my dad. My 18 week old will scream sometimes when I pick her up until her dad comes, then she's all smiles and giggles once she has him I think some kids just prefer a specific parent.

Ohyesiam · 26/02/2017 23:25

Op, I mean this really gently ( and could be misreading the tone of your post, so apologies of I am), but out kids aren't there to meet our emotional needs, or make us happy.
I always think having kids is a bit like an arranged marriage, you Just don't know who you are going to get..... They are going to be as they are, and loving them means accepting how and what they are, unconditionally. None of it is about you, or a reflection on you.
And Just as you get used to it, and wrap your head round it, it will probably change.

Playitagainsam · 27/02/2017 12:55

My DS (21 months) has a huge preference for my DH. We also have a 4 year old and she was really attached to me when she was little, since then I'd say she's fairly equal in her affections (except when she knows she's more likely to get sweets from her dad!). My DS has been attached to his dad for as long as I can remember. In the same way as you, he's happy with me when he's not there, but not interested in me as soon as he is. Even my 4 year old comments that he loves daddy more than me!!
I am never keen to put myself through the trauma of trying to do something for him when he really doesn't want me to. It cheeses my DH off sometimes but it's tough! Plus he's too little to know why it can't be his dad doing it, so it's unnecessary trauma all round!
For the most part I can be quite pragmatic about it, and I totally agree with Ohyesiam above that they are who they are, and they're not responsible for our emotions. But in the heat of the moment when i'm trying to comfort him and he's screaming to get away from me, it hurts. And I don't think any amount of rational thinking can change that!
I don't see him changing his views any time soon, he's been like this most of the last year or so. So I know I just need to suck it up and I do my best to show I'm not fussed. I focus more on the limited one on one time I have with him when it's all good!
The reality is that you can't change him or the situation, you can only change the way you feel about it/see it. In time it may change, kids are fickle little buggers, but it's unlikely that you can do much to hurry it along - just keep being a great mum, let your DH do the hard graft and put a smile on to let your DS know it's all good.

Original poster

Number52 · 03/03/2017 08:20

This is bit of a late response, but just wanted to say thanks playitagainsam, for your advice. Useful to know others have this too and it's not something I'm doing that's causing it. You're right about being hard to be rational about it sometimes in the moment (especially after lack of sleep etc) The times it upsets me are when he rejects me - don't want kiss mummy etc. Or when he makes me leave the room so he can enjoy stories with daddy without me. I shall keep putting on a brave face!

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 04/03/2017 17:01

Perhaps Daddy needs to at times be more busy with the baby?

TeenAndTween · 04/03/2017 17:02

... in response to the Mummy has the baby and DS has Daddy remark.

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