growingup after becoming a mum

[Sunshineallthetime]

I am not so sure what i should be expecting from this. I have never posted on mumsnet. I did not even know about mumsnet till i met my partner 3 yrs ago with whom i have a 2 yr old son.

I am 27 yrs old. I have a first class in BSc economics & finance degree. I WAS very career driven. during all my walks i daydream about what I could have become had I decided to go ahead with the 3rd abortion appointment I made while going through an extremely tough 1st trimester. We were together for only 5 months before I got pregnant. The point is I do have some common sense.

The situation is, I suck at being a housewife. My kitchen is filled with dirty dishes, there is a bin bag in my room full of dirty clothes, I am surrounded by nearly 100 toys and and my sofa stinks of pretty much all the food I have in my kitchen. I also at times suck at being a Mother and Wife.

The question is - to woman who are perfect house makers, because I know you are OUT THERE. I see the pictures you post on your instagrams of fresh flowers with white tiles and clean sheets and super tight tummies. HOW DO YOU DO IT? Please enlighten me of the knowledge you have so I can not sit here and feel awful about myself.

Most people don't do it. Think about it, whilst you are hiding in your house, how are you going to notice the other 99% of new parents, whilst they are also hiding in their houses?

You don't need to feel awful about anything.
You need to go out every day - even a walk round the block if you don't have any parks nearby, and that will help your mood, as well as help your ds.

Then you need to sit down with your partner and have a frank and open discussion about how difficult you are finding this. Talk about your options - going to work in a part time, unskilled job? Going to work in more of a 'career' type job? Re-training for something?
What about sorting the house out together?
If you hate house work, can you earn enough to cover childcare plus £20 a week for a cleaner? Even if it leaves you no better off financially, you will be better off in terms of mental health. Let him know how you feel. Seek out some resolutions together.

As above, you have to sort out whether you actually want to be st home every day.

If the answer is yes (and the answer is yes for me - once 'high flying' professional career type, now mother of 2 and wife), then routine might be your answer.

It's incredibly dull in a way, but it keeps my house tidy and every happy. Think 'Monday grocery store, park, strip beds, Hoover after dinner etc. Have a chore for every day, empty the bin every day, get out every day, get coffee&cake into your routine, meet a couple of like minded mums etc.

Well first of all, those people who post photos of lovely houses? They are people who actually want to do cleaning and tidying to that level. Which is fine. The reason their houses look like that is because a) they want them to look like that and b) they want to be the one who makes it look like that.

So ask yourself, do you actually want to spend your days cleaning sofas and doing laundry? It's really quite dull. It sounds like you'd rather have a career in finance doing some sort of wizardry with numbers? I bet that pays more than sofa cleaning too?

Well, actually it has been very difficult to start my career. I thought being young would have made it easy to start a job or find a job in my industry. People are exceptionally open to saying NO to flexible hours etc. So that has been a real confidence breaker.

Scotinoz i like your idea about having chores every day...

I do want my house to be clean and all but i just... i dont know how to make a house a home. I was just a young woman having the time of her life and then boom... here i am.

How is your child's other parent getting on finding work with flexible working?

And does he struggle to do dishes and wash the sofa too?

Routines are key for me.

I don't understand why you can't work though, surely there is good childcare available? I have always worked with both children after maternity leave and we have made it work as a family. We have had a few scary months of childcare costs being greater than the mortgage.... but we rode it out.

Firstly, it us not remotely necessary to become a grown up in any shape or form just because you're a little bit older and have acquired an amusing little dependent.

Secondly, you need key parts of your home to be hygienic, and you need it not to be downright hazardous to an inquisitive crawler. Anything else is optional.

Thirdly, but most importantly, what sort of home do you want? I have an untidy, book-filled, slightly scruffy but very squishy sort of place. My best friend is all Scandi clean lines. DD's BF's house is serious Euro-chic. The latter two might be more the sort you see puffed off in FB 'look how well we're doing' pix, but each suits the occupants and we're all happy to visit each other. You can't make a house a home until you know your own style.

From your post, it does sound as if you need to get on top of washing up (can you fit a dishwasher in?) because you don't want to poison anyone - can you offload your DS for half a day and Just Do It - with promise of good treat for getting it under control?

It sounds like you need to add a laundry routine too - can you fit in a proper basket rather than a bin bag? You didn't need to wash everything straight away, but it does sound as if you'd feel a bit better if you weren't using a bin bag for the stuff that's waiting. It's also easier to fossick through a basket to pick out similar items for a wash than it is to face black plastic of doom

I am a single parent with a similar academic background to you. Have you already looked at career options within the civil service? I'm thinking of the govt economics service in particular, but potentially also the generalist fast stream (and possibly the commercial/finance type grad programmes, which I know much less about).

I've never been anything but upfront about my work/life balance needs, and (apart from a couple of probably-incompatible v demanding departments, which I've personally never wanted to approach - HMT and DExEU, I'm looking at you) my need for flexibility has never held me back and nor have I met anyone who expects it would or should do.

This doesn't really answer your question. I know I would be a rubbish SAHM / housewife. But you sound like you actually want to work and it is absolutely reasonable to want to work full time with a 2yo.

Often it's easier to get concessions like flexible working when you already have proven yourself. Can your partner take some of the flack while you get on the career ladder? Once you're in a job for a year or two it will be much easier to:
A) Ask for flexible hours
B) Find another, more flexible job

It's a good idea to use your degree before it gets to old - at two you're not too far away from school starting either!

I do work. I work on sundays in retail. I work from home for an ex boss. My son has childcare. My partner does help a little bit.

I dont ask much from my partner's work because he earns more than I do. I have figured that if his career goes well, then my career potentially will go well because then we can pay for full time childcare costs, maybe hire a nanny (thats my young naive self!) etc.

Grad programmes don't even want to touch people like me. I was actually told on the phone by a head of the department that we are looking for young, full energy young people who dont have to leave at 5pm. I AM 27 YRS OLD ! I AM YOUNG.

So far, i have applied to over 20 companies who have point blank said NO we only hire full time people. and when i say i can be in the office form 9:30 till 5... thats not good enough. The phrase they use is "presence intensive".

i spend all day applying for jobs, making phone calls for my work. then comes 5:30 my son is home who happens to be a fussy eater. I make 3 different types of foods and its still not enough. my partner comes home and sees the house dirty with a looking of "what have you been doing all day"... and i look at myself in the mirror and wonder what have you been doing all your life... and thats really where it hits the most.

it just keeps slowly biting away at my confidence and hope.

I think you are me when I was your age and that wasn't long ago. I agree with above, a basket instead of a bin bag is a good start. Toy storage like tellkiddo bags or those giant drawstring bags cum floormats are easiest to get started with straight away. For you couch: 2 covers - 1 to use when the other one is in the washing machine. It's a constant juggling act. Also like someone said, if you want a house like the pintastic ones on instagram you need to make that a real priority and get to it asap whenever something goes out of place. A friend of mine is one of there 'perfect' juggling mothers but under that clean and polished veneer she's also very unhappy and emotionally stunted so there needs to be some kind of balance I think. You seem really nice, everything will work out for you when you decide what you want and go for it

Also look up motherpukka, she is a hardcore campaigner for flexible working - a blogger and ex journalist from stylist magazine, it might inspire you with some ideas or give you more confidence that it might be doable. Where you say you look in the mirror thinking about your life path, I'm working so hard on that right now. Good to know I'm not the only one, thank you for showing your vulnerability, it gives me some peace of mind

Your partner is just as responsible as you for the house. He needs to do a fair share, and not just "help" you like it's all your responsibility - you're his partner not his housekeeper. When you're home with your child then they are your focus, not housework. Any housework you get done is a bonus. Your partner needs to do his share in the evenings and weekends.

Do you give your partner a look when you get in on Sundays if he hasn't tidied and cleaned? (Assuming he's with your child on Sundays)

Your husband earns more because you are facilitating his career. If you weren't providing the childcare for your son then he would have to either work a more flexible job and earn less or he would have to pay for childcare. His career success is directly related to your career sacrifice. Remember that. He owes you. At some point you will be entitled to ask for that back. Do you think he would be willing to sacrifice pay or career advancement for you?

Does your partner walk past the pile of dishes and bag of laundry? Does he assume it isn't his problem to sort?

First thing is to remember that insta-sham really is just that... People don't like the concept of posting real life things that show they are struggling, so they post glossy "hey look at my amazing life! I'm so great at this mothering/wife lark". My motto is "everyone fed, no one dead" at the end of each day!

My father in law came round one day just after dd1 was born, I was in a heap, struggling to process how on earth I was going to run our house, look after a newborn etc (we had literally just moved into a three bed semi from a two bed flat, and were mid way through refurbing it when dd1 came)! He put it simply that DH was out at work earning to pay the bills, my priority was to look after dd1, as long as everyone was fed, watered and we had a roof over our heads then the housework could wait, the dust wasn't going anywhere. 8 week old dd1 couldn't give a shit if the tv unit had been polished that day, if it got done, bonus!

These days in a little more organised, I realise the things I struggle with and try to keep ahead of the game, for example every day when I get up I do a load or two of washing/drying then when I take dd2 up to bed she has a little kick about while I put a load away.

I find if I think of the bigger picture of how much I've got to do it fries my brain so I have to do little tasks that take up small chunks of time. I get more done in the first hour of the day than I used to get done all day when I first had dd1.