Am I failing?

[ironmanslady]

Reached the point today where I rang my mum in tears begging her to take my toddler for a bit because I just can't cope. I see all these amazing parents on Facebook and everywhere completely rocking it and then there's me completely failing.
Sometimes I think he'd be better off without me.
He's so good for other people. They seem to know exactly what to do and I don't.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Facebook is bullshit! Everyone looks like they're either having a wonderful time or some ridiculous drama status! You're not failing. Kids are hard. I have three (one is a toddler who has Sen) one of the others also has Sen. I often look at Facebook and think how wonderful everyone's lives are but I know it's just a show reel. Honestly you're doing fine. Don't beat yourself up.

Why, what is the problem exactly? What does he do?

I hate Facebook for this reason.
You see a single snap of one day, a lot goes on behind that photo and they won't put it on Facebook. You've turned to your parents for help, I do that every week! Your parents will be glad to have time with your toddler and you'll get to have a break. There's nothing wrong with that at all, you're doing a fantastic job!

Facebook is shite. I could have put up a Facebook photo this afternoon of DD laughing in the glorious afternoon sunshine at the park. It wouldn't have referred to her utter refusal to walk or be carried home and the 40 minute screaming battle (park 10ish minutes walk normal speed!) as I tried to get her back to the house before my poor heavily-pregnant-woman bladder gave up completely. So painful. So not pretty. So much real life.

Ha! I have a brilliant photo on fb of my 3 enjoyibg a wonderful day out in the big outdoors.
They'd whinged the whole fucking time, the baby cried, and the big one hit the middle one with a stick
Lovely photo though

He does what any other toddler does I suppose. Doesn't listen, does things he's not allowed to, tantrums, plays up. It's me not being able to cope with it. I try time out he cries and cries, I tell him no he laughs. I take one of his favourite toys away he cries. I know he's just a baby and doesn't understand so I feel more awful and guilty. I try distracting him which works for a short time then he remembers what he was doing.
My sister has 'the look' and he'll stop or my mum will tell him off and he'll stop but with me it's a game.
I love him to peaces and his dad is amazing but when he's at work all day it's so hard.
I can't afford nursery at moment and we don't qualify for the 2 year funding.

Have you heard of the book hurrah for gin? Get it - it'll make you realise how normal you are!

He's 2. In my opinion there is no point in time out, rewards or taking toys away - they just don't associate it with the unwanted behaviour. Bribery (with chocolate) occasionally worked but I kept it for emergencies

All you can do is allow them to cry while reassuring them that you love them and they can have a cuddle if they want, when upset at your boundaries. Remove them from situations and distract if really necessary. I used time out for me if I was starting to lose it - in the kitchen with the nutella jar and a spoon usually, protected by the child gate.
Cbeebies is my friend too :)
It's hard. I know.

I think it's normal to feel fed up at times. It is the hardest work. Only wish I had someone to call
You need a break to recharge. And don't go on Facebook - it's fake! (to be in tune with today's events)

A friend of mine commented recently on how jealous (in a nice way) of another friend of mine they were , that they were always out doing family activities and looked liked they'd just stepped out of a joules catalogue... but her and her husband are actually going through a tough time, she really struggles with her second DC etc but you'd never know that from Facebook so please please ignore Facebook most people have things going on you just don't realise and children always play up for their parents more...
See it as a good thing as 1 your DC trusts they can be themselves with you and 2 that they have already learnt important life skills on how to behave / act when it suits them and is a benefit to them
When I was a child I remember playing my mum up the most out of anyone but I also loved her the most strange but true!

Thank you everyone. I feel a bit better now the little break I had was well needed! DH is home now for weekend and it's also my weekend off work so hopefully I'll be able to relax a little bit.
You're all right about Facebook, it's just a tiny snippet of day to day lives and I don't know what's going on behind it all.
What I've learnt today is it's okay to ask for help and that I'm lucky to have people that don't hesitate to help when I'm having a melt down.

I have never done Facebook but I did take heaps of family photos and looking back over 20 years of them, it's amazing what a lovely and relaxed family we were (oooh yes...)

What you would never deduce from looking over the cory hoard is:

that dd for long stretches of time was unable to walk and had to use a wheelchair (she did not like being photographed in it, so there is only one picture of the wheelchair: posterity will no doubt deduce that she had had an accident)

that dd until the age of 10 had violent temper tantrums involving kicking and biting

that ds went through phases of being extremely anxious

that we had SS involvement

that I spent an awful lot of those years by dd's bedside, trying to soothe her, or on the phone to her school trying to explain what was going on

Those happy family photographs aren't lying. Those times happened too. But 20 years is a long, long time. I am glad now I took those pictures, because sometimes it is the hard times you remember: it is good to have some evidence that there were other times too.

Best advice is to get off social media! It's pointless, people use it to show how 'perfect' their life is...they only show the good stuff, not the rest of the crap they might have gone through that day/week/month. Chances are these people are extremely unhappy in many aspects of life.
If you are enjoying life that much you would be living in the moment and not plastering it all over SMedia.

He's two. Two year olds are arseholes. They're cute, funny, curious, adorable and complete fucking arseholes who drive you round the bend. They're supposed to be - they need to be to grow and learn. Doesn't make it any less annoying - and then of course they're bloody angelic as soon as there's an audience.
I second the others who say there's no point in time outs or whatever at this age. They don't get it and it's just more bother.

I have just specifically searched for an 'am I failing' thread. Today I feel I am doing just that so don't feel on your own.
My DD is 6 and is the most 'spirited' child (in other words, totally in her own little world and struggles to hear anything unless you repeat it four fucking times )
Tonight I lost it. Completely lost my shit in front of DH parents whilst dropping her off there for the night and have done nothing but cry since I got home. I feel so guilty and have another baby on the way also so I'm in hormone city anyway.

I totally agree Facebook is full of shit. I posted a photo myself today of our 'lovely walk in the fresh air' whilst in the woods near where I live whilst all the time I was looking forward to getting home so I could stick DD on the iPad and not have to listen to myself repeating the same sentence 4000 times.

You're not failing, you're parenting. And probably doing a bloody good job at it too.

Facebook is utter shite - if you saw my profile you'd see that DD and I went for a nice lunch, we played with sensory toys, had a walk through a frosty park.

You don't see the bit where I cried and nearly phoned DH at work for back up because (teething) DD had screamed at me for 45 minutes and nothing I did could stop her.

Please know that it is hard, and everyone finds, at least parts of it, really really heart wrenchingly difficult x

Don't bother with time out, taking toys etc. She doesn't understand yet. Just get down to her level and say NO in a strong voice. You are only training her. She is not there yet. Sometimes we panic because we think they will get out of control, grow up to be delinquents but they are only learning. Try to have fun. But if all else fails put her in the bath or stick on the telly and have a break. Believe me mums on Facebook have their moments too, plenty of them..

Ignore the perfect families on fb but I do actually think that this age is when you put in the ground work as far as boundaries and discipline are concerned.
Clear rules, once you have said no to something don't give in. You can try and distract from the crying/tantrum by going to do something 'interesting' and hoping they will follow and forget what they were cross about but don't ever give in.
It's hard, they are exhausting and days can be long but definitely structure the days and toddlers need lots of exercising to take their edge off. Hang in there and do reach out to your family for help. Maybe ask their honest opinion as to why he listens to them and not to you?

Facebook is bullshit.

Everyone, absolutely every parent, has these moments.

They just don't all talk about it.

You called and asked for help. That's a good thing to do.

You are NOT failing

I'm genuinely not being goady- all those people who said that they posted pictures that were seemingly at odds with the day they had; why post then? You could take a photo just for yourselves or keep a diary, or even send a direct message to tell close family and friends what you had been up to- what made you decide to post something that was a glossy version of your day?