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Parenting

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Original poster

Can you both work full time?

85 replies

harrypoooter · 13/01/2017 21:42

We have a 5 year old, we both want to work full time we have cover on a Friday but my partner works over 1hr away. I'm sick of putting my career on hold so he can commute 1 hr away without him looking for alternate work at home. I've got myself a good james b close to home, full time. He says I'm being selfish wanting to work FT as our daughter has to go to after school club 2 days a week. I don't know who's being silly. I want a good life for our daughter but I also want to be passionate about my job.

OP posts:

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namechangedtoday15 · 13/01/2017 23:32

I was going to say very tough unless you have family to help or can afford to pay for care - but see that you have your mum.

You need to communicate though and discuss as a couple your careers and childcare. The responsibility / decision making should be shared.

Beebeeeight · 13/01/2017 23:36

After school is great fun!

It's not jail

Your dp is being a controlling prick

Original poster

harrypoooter · 14/01/2017 06:07

I think part of it is that I've went from full flexi (CIvil service) to core hours with some flexibility. Previously I have done all the dentists/doctors/illness stuff but now it will need to be shared. The problem with him being an hour away is he isn't flexi so he has to agree with his boss ahead of time when he does pick ups/drop offs. Anyway apparently I fell asleep last night on his pillow and instead of waking me up to swap them out he decided to go sleep downstairs on the sofa! Oh dear. This morning is going to be fun!

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Original poster

harrypoooter · 14/01/2017 06:08

Ps I don't think that afterschool club is a bad thing. But he last night said he definitely think someone should pick her up every day instead of her going thereZ

OP posts:

badhotfanny · 14/01/2017 06:41

I don't even work ft and we use breakfast club and asc on the three days I work. It's perfectly normal, it's part of their routine and they love having time to actually play with their friends.

teacher54321 · 14/01/2017 06:54

We both work full time. I teach at the school Ds attends and he goes to breakfast and ASC every day. Sometimes he does get sad that he's not collected with all his little friends at 3.30, but DH and GPs collect him occasionally and that's life really. Sometimes I wish that I didn't work and could drop him at 8.30 and collect him at 3.30 but I need to work to pay the mortgage!

llangennith · 14/01/2017 08:04

Very petty and mean of your DH to make you feel guilty about DS going to ASC. It'll quickly become part of DS's routine and he'll be fine.
Your DH doesn't like change but he'll get over it.

Trainspotting1984 · 14/01/2017 08:11

fabulous I think it's so common to want the opposite of what you had for your children. My mum was a SAHM and I remember being bored (I would've loved nursery or clubs) and when I was older, feeling really constrained.

OP we both work FT. It's very very busy and it can be tough. But for us the benefits of 2 good regular incomes outweigh the downsides (I am scared of needing to rely on one wage- what happens if they lose their job?!)

That said, DH has changed job so we don't both have 1+ hour commute and he works locally which is much easier

GraceGrape · 14/01/2017 08:20

I only work part-time and my children still have to go to after school childcare 3 days a week! A full-time position where you only need 2 days childcare seems like a golden opportunity to me.

Original poster

harrypoooter · 14/01/2017 18:37

Thanks everyone. I'm happy to know I'm not being unreasonable to put her in 2 days a week.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/01/2017 18:55

I'm happy to know I'm not being unreasonable to put her in 2 days a week.

One tip from me would be to say " let her go for 2 days a week" in the same sort of way that if you arrange for someone to look after your dc whilst you are going out somewhere, you tell them they are 'going for a sleepover' and make the language all about what a nice thing it is for them to be able to do.

My dc made great friends from out of school provision.

Sallycinnamum · 14/01/2017 19:03

DH and I both work full time but he works from.home three days a week and I wfh two days a week.

Both DC are at school now and get dropped off by me or DH and are in after school club, which the love three days a week. We use a nanny in the holidays.

We have never missed a achool play, sports day etc but that's because we share it out and have great employers who understand the needs of working parents.

It's absolutely doable and the financial security working full time gives us helps ne sleep at night.

I will say that the DC are both home by 5pm as DH works locally so time for homework and t chill out.

Caterina99 · 14/01/2017 19:07

You are definitely not being unreasonable using after school club 2 days a week. Your DD will probably enjoy it.

Sounds like nothing has really changed for your DH. This doesn't excuse his behavior because he should actually talk to you about these issues, but he's presumably leaving work at 2pm twice a week to pick up your DD? And dropping her off twice a week too? How does that impact his work hours and his work progression etc? Maybe he's annoyed that he is making sacrifices and you were previously equal and now you are using the after school club and he still has to leave work early? His decision to do that though, and he shouldn't be a knob about it if you want a change

Xmasbaby11 · 14/01/2017 19:08

Sounds fine and 2 days of wraparound care is not much at all. Dh works ft and I do 3 days. Dd 5 and 3 and have 3 days in childcare 8 to 5.30. I think it's just right.

SpeakNoWords · 14/01/2017 19:10

Caterina they weren't previously equal. Previously the OP was doing 30 hrs a week, and her DP works full time. The move to the OP working full time makes them now equal.

AllTheLight · 14/01/2017 19:14

I work part time (3 days a week), but my DC still have to go to after school club on the days I work as it's not school hours. They love it! After school club two days a week is fine and your DH has a massive cheek to say you're being selfish. Does he realise that men can actually be SAHDs / work part time too??

Princesspink999 · 14/01/2017 20:38

Both full time and dd loves after school every night. Better than sitting in front of TV and has lots of fun. Very normal.

waterrat · 14/01/2017 21:26

I work 3 days and my dh works 4 days. Both our kids still get collected twice a week by the childminder which will be asc when they are older. It's normal !

I don't know any children in my local area who are taken straight home every day after school...I think thst would be unusual ?

snowone · 14/01/2017 21:42

Yes it is possible - our DD is 2.5 and I went back to work full time in September. She goes to nursery 3 days and my DM and MIL each do a day. When she goes to school she will have to go to breakfast club every morning and I'm hoping for some support in the evenings but if she has to go to after school club until I / we can get there then so be it! I love being a mummy but I also love my job, I've worked damn hard to get where I am and I am unwilling to throw it all away at this point.

GimmeeMoore · 14/01/2017 21:59

We both work FT.use after school, summer clubs,etc.its wholly achievable if you plan it

Original poster

harrypoooter · 15/01/2017 10:37

Thanks everyone. I think the person who mentioned his career progression got it right, I think it's more of a case of me making the first move to a better job and now he feels he can't do the same as he doesn't want her in more evenings a week. But I think it was either him or me and the right job came up for me first. That might sound selfish but I was so bored in my old job and I work Ina fast moving industry (tech) so if I don't keep up because I'm disengaged then I really lose out.

OP posts:

LiefieLiefie · 15/01/2017 10:48

I grew up with both parents working full-time in stressful jobs where they couldn't get time off for school plays, sports events etc.

We were in wrap-around care from 7.30am until 5.30pm. Any homework etc that I got was done in afterschool club, which actually meant I could spend more time with my parents when at home.

I've turned out alright! It instilled a good work ethic into me and made me realise the importance of being independent (both financially and socially) from a young age. I'm glad that both my parents managed to find jobs that they loved and enjoyed because I feel it's important for self-esteem and confidence, which they passed on to me.

It took a lot of work - both had to pull their weight and equally do the housework, cooking, taxiing us round. My Dad was fairly "modern" in his outlook for his generation and did all the cleaning and most cooking. I can't imagine it was easy for them, but they made it work because they viewed themselves as a team.

strawberrypenguin · 15/01/2017 10:50

Well yes of course you can. We do because we have to. Both of us work full time. Oldest goes to after school care and youngest in nursery. I see being able to be able to have a stay at home parent as a luxury and it's one we can't afford

GimmeeMoore · 15/01/2017 10:52

What an informative,nice post.clearly you're well brought up balanced individual
From my POV as FT worker,I've had years of digs,insinuation my dc will suffer cause we work FT
My parents worked FT too,and it does instil a good work ethic.importantly I saw mum work,not dependent upon dad.

GimmeeMoore · 15/01/2017 10:58

I don't regard a mum at home not working as a luxury.imo,it's patriarchal and old fashioned
I don't think it us a good role model to see mum,not working.financially dependent.
For me never was an option. Ive worked too hard for my career to give it up to be stuck home

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