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Parenting

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Original poster

Reasons for having children?

18 replies

Frankelly66 · 28/12/2016 10:12

Hi all. I have never had a real strong desire to have any children of my own. My partner definitely doesnt want any more (he has one from past relationship) and has been honest about this from day one. But of course i think it's natural to wonder what if, when it's something that has a time deadline. (The fear of regret).

Therefore I'd love to know what it was that made you want your children originally? Or was it just a given? Is there anything you now know that you'd wished you knew prior to? (I am not suggesting anyone regrets their children of course but aspects you would like to be more prepared for). Looking forward to feedback :)

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Middleoftheroad · 28/12/2016 10:26

How old are you OP?

Even at 31 I didn't want children. I loved my life as it was. The following year I was pregnant with twins! Unplanned and unsure, I went with it, mainly because DP wanted to, but also because I was 32 and worried about my 'clock'.

Roll on 10 years and despite being tough at times and initially not having a clue, I am so glad I am a parent now. I don't need to gush how I love my DTs. However, I think I would have been OK if we hadn't haf kids too.

Sometimes there is no plan. There is no right or wrong. I think the pressure to conform and fears of bloody body clocks can force the issue. My nephew once said "Dad thinks you are weird as you don't have kids."

Not everybody has a burning desire to have kids and that''s perfectly normal. I realise that now, so please don't bow to society. Of course, do wonder how you might feel in a decade if you don't have kids, but I suspect I would still have felt no strong desire if mother nature hadn't intervened (that and being lazy with taking the pil).

Middleoftheroad · 28/12/2016 10:29

Oh and please don't be swayed by your DP. He has kids so it's easy for him to say no. Go with your gut instinct OP. Life is more than DCs but make sure it's what YOU want too.

splendide · 28/12/2016 11:51

Honestly I think it was mostly curiosity and a wish to experience pregnancy and a general fear of missing out. Also I knew my parents would be thrilled.

Then I regretted it bitterly for about 6 months - found having a newborn truly hideous.

Now DS is two and he is the best thing ever to happen to me. Genuinely lights up my life. I'm not having any more though!

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MrsLouisTomlinson · 28/12/2016 11:56

We had DD because it was an unplanned pregnancy and thought 'fuck it let's just do it'. 6 years later we had DS because I remembered I quite liked being pregnant, would get a year off work, my best mate was pregnant and didn't want DD to have the burden of us all on her own when we got old. (As opposed to a yearning for another child).

Wouldn't be without either of them, genuinely two of the most amazing little people I know and I adore them both and would give them all I had to make their life easier but had life not gone that way I wouldn't know what I was missing out on and would probably be just as happy (and definitely have more money).

snoopyokay · 28/12/2016 12:40

I never had that burning desire either, kind of just did it to please DH but looking back now I think I needed a push as I was too scared and over thinking everything about motherhood.

Safe to say my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me and all that jazz.

Original poster

Frankelly66 · 28/12/2016 12:44

Thanks for feedback so far, interesting that yours just happened. If I accidentally fell pregnant I think I would continue with it excitedly. I think I'm finding it more stressful because I know my partner feels strongly about not having anymore children so I feel as though staying with him my fate is already decided, otherwise I need to leave now and then who knows where that could take me.

OP posts:

SVJAA · 28/12/2016 12:45

It has to be your choice, whatever that is.
I've always wanted to be a Mum, it's what I told people I wanted to be when they asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 28/12/2016 12:48

I hadn't seen myself as married or a mother but then at 20 fell pregnant with a new boyfriend unexpectedly. Having been forced to have an abortion in a previous abusive relationship I knew that I couldn't do that again so resolved to have the baby. Luckily my boyfriend was over the moon- and I knew he would be a good dad as he already had two children he had brought up alone. We got engaged straight away and then married a year after DS was born.

Jemimachristmaspuddingduck · 28/12/2016 12:50

I wanted a family we had to IVF to conceive I would love another so will have more IVF in a few years.

If the IVF hadn't worked we would have adopted, we still might in the future if we're unable to have another biological child

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 28/12/2016 12:51

I was always dead set on not having kids for sensible logical reasons. Hit 30 and it was like a flick switched. Still very sensible logical reasons not to have kids, but my body wasn't having any of it. Biological instinct overrode logic. Absolutely no regrets.

SallyGinnamon · 28/12/2016 12:53

I always wanted to be a mum too. I liked other people's DC. They were funny and interesting. I adore mine even if they can be a pain sometimes .

In fact I knew that if Mr Right didn't come along I'd have had a DC anyway (with DM's support). DH knew that DC were on my agenda early on and fortunately were on his too, otherwise would wouldn't have lasted. (I split from someone previously who wasn't sure).

mrscrocopop · 28/12/2016 12:57

I was sure throughout my twenties I didn't want children. This changed dramatically when I hit about 31 - I realised that although I wasn't mad about the idea of babies, I wanted a family of my own in my life. I'm a only child without close cousins so realised I wouldn't get this unless I had my own kids. I became quite preoccupied with the idea I might put it off too long and then find out I couldn't. My OH was less enthusiastic at first as he already had a child from a previous relationship... However we agreed to jump in feet first and have no regrets at all. X

penguin1245 · 28/12/2016 13:36

Always knew I wanted children in my late twenties, I wanted to experience pregnancy the feeling of having a baby moving inside etc. And of course someone to come and visit me when I'm an old woman

Ended up getting pregnant unexpectedly at 20 with a new boyfriend was a big surprise but things have turned out ok. I think 3 is a maximum for me, I just have the 1 atm. The cost of nursery fees are so just the 1 for now

chloechloe · 28/12/2016 15:48

I'd always pictured myself having children at some point but I never felt in a huge hurry to get on with it.

DH and I were together for 16 years (!) before we had our first baby (we met at 19) and we have just had our second with a 21month gap. The time never seemed right before then as we were both concentrating on establishing our careers and we also emigrated so weren't settled as such for quite some time.

What I wish I'd known beforehand is the fact that the risk of having a child with a disability (e.g. Downs) goes up quite a lot in your mid 30s. When I got pregnant I was quite shocked by the odds and wished that I'd informed myself beforehand.

albertcampionscat · 28/12/2016 18:54

There is an old line something like "the heart has reasons that reason does not know ". I didn't decide I wanted children, the decision somehow happened inside me.

kelj2 · 31/12/2016 10:04

For us it was just a given. Husband and I have always loved kids and knew we wanted them. I wish someone told me how difficult it would be (yes it's rewarding but being a mum is also the hardest thing I've ever done). My pregnancy was horrible and I wasn't prepared for that. I wish I went and did more before having kids and just cherished being able to do what I wanted when I wanted and sleep oh my gosh I miss sleeping in so much. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change a thing but I wish I didn't take the time we had as just us 2 for granted

user1471452804 · 01/01/2017 10:27

I have none, never wanted any. I have met plenty of people who have admitted they regret having the ones they have (usually people who are divorced).

Buy yourself a horse!

Heatherbell1978 · 01/01/2017 10:42

For us it was just a bit of a given. DH wanted kids and was upfront from day 1 and I guess I always assumed I'd have them. Wouldn't say I was massively maternal - DH is far better naturally with kids than I am. I didn't have age on my side, DS was born when I was 36 and I'm due DD next month at 39. I've found it hard and we had quite a lot of discussions before going ahead with #2.

But we see it as a long-term thing, the baby and toddler phases pass quickly, relatively, and although all ages have their challenges, we couldn't imagine being old and not having kids/grandkids to chat to and keep us busy I guess.

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