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Parenting

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Original poster

IS A GOOD MUM A SELFLESS MUM?

23 replies

cheekymonk · 09/02/2007 15:17

Afternoon everyone. Just interested to hear others' opinions really as I constantly hear from my Mum how a good mum should be completely selfless and put child 1st 100% of the time. I personally don't feel this is healthy and could potentially make child a spoilt brat so try to find the right balance. Mum will criticise other mums who look really good/glamorous(lucky them I say) saying that they have no interest in their child and her best catchphrase is "DS is my priority" I know that I don't need to be told!
Do you know what I mean? Whilst I accept that being a mum is a huge part of who I am but is she right? Is my life on hold for next 18 years?!!

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WigWamBam · 09/02/2007 15:19

I don't think so, no. A completely selfless mum is a doormat, probably resentful, and raises a selfish child.

compo · 09/02/2007 15:20

I think a good mum is a happy mum. So if it makes me feel happy to have an hour to myself once a day/week to have my hair done then I think that's fine.
Did your mum devote 100% of her life to you?

DetentionGrrrl · 09/02/2007 15:20

Balls to that- i'm still a human being!!

Granted, i would always give DS my last scrap of food, i would carry him for miles on my back to a doctor if i had to, and if he needed both my kidneys, he could have them.

But i'm still allowed to have fun and time to myself. And a child who is always given everything, especially to the detriment of someone else, isn't being brought up to see the world / other people in a realistic or thoughtful way.

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PinkTulips · 09/02/2007 15:21

imo you can put your kids first without making yourself completely miserable and letting yourself go.

i make huge sacrifices for my kids and they are my no.1 priority.... but if i havetime before i go out to the shops i put some effort on my appearance. i don't neglect my kids to do it but i am a woman as well as a mother!

fannyannie · 09/02/2007 15:21

No I'm with you on this one - I DON'T believe that being a mum means you have to put your entire life on hold until the youngest child is 18 and out of the house. I think that a happy mum 9/10 equals a happy child and if that means taking time to do some things for yourself then so be it.

QueenofTwee · 09/02/2007 15:25

Agree with you, also, rather than becoming a spoilt brat, especially if she's a girl, she might end up using a 'selfless' mum as a role model and end up with no self-esteem in later life. DCs have to learn that their mums`have human rights.

Having said that, I think this awareness needs to come in to play when the child gets to about 6 months or older, younger than that I think babies' cries should always be attended to and cannot be spoiled.

mummymagic · 09/02/2007 15:28

I think the accepted wisdom nowadays is that it is a balancing act and that a happy mum results in happy child.

For me, I am happiest though when with her, do put her first (although this doesn't mean she always gets what she wants - her NEEDs come first not her every desire), she is absolutely everything to me, my life is sort of on hold although not exactly, rather my life has just changed into a mum. Of course she is only 10 months and this might change but I believe we are all different. I am fed up at the moment hearing how I 'should' do some things for 'me time' and how i should go out to work (I DO plenty of things I want to do IMO). I just like being a mum!!

I think whatever decisions we make, someone will be there to criticise. As long as everybody is doing what they honestly believe is best for everybody I think it's fine...

PinkTulips · 09/02/2007 15:30

exactly QoT...... a tiny baby should be the centre of it's mothers attention. personally i considered it a good day if i managed to get time to dress myself when mine were tiny but once they're a bit older there is no need for them to have 100% of your attention 24/7.

i think it makes you a better mother to have a break here and there and to just take pleasure in something simple like a hobby or dressing yourself in your favourite clothes and doing your make-up

QueenofTwee · 09/02/2007 15:31

Mums with no self-esteem i.e. about weight, appearance, own ability can do great damage to the psychological health of dds, and end up with sons who don't respect them or women in general

hotrodwidow · 09/02/2007 15:33

not at all.you dont have to be mother earth,or put your life on hold,kids sould come a long on the ride or at lest have fun with how you do it.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 09/02/2007 15:44

Wow really interesting answers- thank you. My mum does believe that she did put my sister and I 1st 100% of the time. I have noticed how she needs to be no.1 now as if she feels she is owed that. I agreee with what you are all saying x

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eastend · 09/02/2007 19:39

haven;t read the other answers, but in my opinion all you have to be is "a good enough mum", and selflessness does not come into it.

doormat · 09/02/2007 19:43

whoa wigwam not all doormat are resentful LOL

no think everyone has to have ME time to themselves

colditz · 09/02/2007 19:47

I would rip out my eyeballs with rusty spoons if I thought my boys needed them, but I am still going to a party on saturday night, and Sunday will be spent doing hungover pottering, rather than glue and alphabets.

paulaplumpbottom · 09/02/2007 19:50

I think you have to most of the time. Nobody can do it %100 of the time. You'd go nuts. Putting your children first doesn't mean spoiling them either. We all need time that is our own.

TeeCee · 09/02/2007 19:57

Phew thank God for the posts on this thread!

I've always said that a happy mum makes a good mum.

Personally not only does getting out and being who I am other than a mother make me happy, I think it's healthy.

I wouldn't have wanted a mum who stayed in all the time and had no spark to her.

Going out, music, socialising, my friends and my DP are a big part of my life and I don't think my kids would want me to give any of that up. They certainly wouldn't thank me for it once they had flown the nest!

I woke up this morning to a house that had been wrecked, felt totally worn down by it all until I got a text asking me for a drink with the girls tonight. I've been in a lovely mood, spring in my step etc and in return my kids have been angels, i really, really enjoyed being with them today. If I'd carried on feeling worn down by drudge however my mood may have reflected on them, they may have played me up and I might have thrown them into bed early. Happily that wasn't the case.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 09/02/2007 20:34

I know Teecee they are reassuring aren't they? I just wanted to check that i am fairly(?) normal and that it is ok to get fed up sometimes and want time to yourself.
Yes it is also a good point that putting children first doesn't mean spoiling them.
I knew/hoped this would bring up some interesting points so thanks again x

OP posts:

clairemow · 09/02/2007 20:40

I haven't read all the thread, wanted to write my gut reaction first...

Cheeky, I agree with you - if I put my children first all the time, I'd go mad and lose my sanity, and they would expect to be the centre of the universe all the time. There's a balance to be achieved between being a mother and remaining an individual imo. To me, being a mum is a huge part of my persona, probably the most defining thing about me right now(but then I have a 2 1/2 yr old and 5 month old, so they do take up most of my time...), but if your children are your sole concern, a) what happens to your relationship with your partner, and b) what do you do when the children leave home, as they will do one day?

An aside - I wonder whether your mum would expect a good dad to be completely selfless?

NineUnlikelyTales · 10/02/2007 12:23

I agree with everyone - making a child the absolute centre of your universe to the exclusion of all your own needs is unfair to a child. It puts loads of pressure on them. I have a friend whose parents were like this and even now, at 28, she still has to spend every available moment with them and has to follow their wishes. It's so unealthy.

Surely raising children is about showing them how to be theur own person - how can you do this if you don't set any kind of positive example?

Original poster

cheekymonk · 13/02/2007 12:20

Thanks everyone again, really thought provoking. As for the comment re being a selfless dad well dh is in Navy and my Mum alludes to him leaving as it distresses ds so there is pressure on him too. Its all becasue she adores her little grandson!
Yes my priority is for ds to be his own person and survive and flourish in this world!

OP posts:

Jonut · 13/02/2007 23:05

My grandmother thinks it's disguisting that I leave my 2 children (5yrs and 6mths) with my Oh's mum for a few hrs every Friday evening. We don't go out clubbing and getting hammered every weekend (though we will every month or so!) we either go home, get a takeaway and snuggle up on the sofa watching a film or go for a quiet meal somewhere. I honestly think that if we didn't do this then we wouldn't be together today

Skribble · 13/02/2007 23:39

I put my children first all the time but part of that means me working part-time to keep myself sane, and them speaning time with grandparents and uncle. I think it is important for them to have time with different carers who offer different experiences while they are growing up. Granny does baking with them, Mummy does arts and craft stuff, Daddy takes them to his work sometimes, spends time playing playstation with them, Uncle watches films with them and lets them help fix his trike and car, Grandad teaches them about DIY and scouting etc etc etc.

We all have different things to offer them and if I literaly dedicated my every waking hour to them I would be stunningly boring and not able to stimulate them as much as we do as a team and when I feel I have a full life of which they are a part.

Putting your child first does not mean you have to hang on their every word 24/7, there is a whole big wide world out their that we all have to experience. My kids love to hear what I have been up to at work and DS even draws plans for me, they are interested in the idea of me doing Open University and going on courses and fascinated in the work trips I go on sometimes, same goes for things that Daddy does.

HeartMarsLady · 13/02/2007 23:44

I'm a good mum.... (I think) and I'd definitely NOT selfless!

Sometimes kids just have to live with the fact that they are not the be all and end all of life. I love and adore my children passionately. Too much to stop having a life and pandering to their every whim.

They seem to be doing just fine with that knowledge!

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