Absolutely hating motherhood - how can I get through this period without walking out?

[1t6y9o]

I have a 9 month old (who has never slept through) and a 5 yr old who has just started school.

I can't go back to work as my husband runs his own business and can't share any school runs or school holidays. After school clubs, breakfast clubs, nursery fees and holiday clubs are absolutely not affordable to us based on the kind of wage I could bring in. We have zero family help and no friends in a position to assist either. Husband works long hours and does not share any household tasks Mon-Fri. Even if we could afford for me to go to work I simply don't see how I could do all I do every morning, get a baby to nursery, a child to school and myself to work by 9am.

I can't bare the fact that I cook and do housework and childcare all day long. I know, I know, I should have realised this before I had kids. I just never knew it would be quite so relentless, tedious and repetitive.

I currently hate my day to day life. Up through the night with the baby. Start the day with both kids 6am, load of washing on, put away from yesterday, unload dishwasher, reload, make numerous breakfasts (everyone likes different things and on different diets, plus 5 yr old going through a growth spurt and has 2-3 breakfasts!). Manic 3 hours until school drop off. Baby always naps on school run so I bring the pram in and get 30 mins peace each day... that is it. Afternoon nap is hit and miss at the moment. If he does go down in the cot he wakes up screaming 45 mins later. After the chaos of the morning I hardly ever feel like making it to a baby group so lately I've been placing him down while I pick up the mess from each room. And thats pretty much our day until 3pm school collection then homework, reading, make dinners, bath, bedtime routine. I don't have any evening at all (go to sleep just after kids do at 7 ish) so have to spend most of the day tidying the mess of the day before.

We recently moved areas so I have no friends to meet for coffee or invite round the break up the day. Plus my house is too much of a tip and far from 'guest ready' so I don't/wouldn't/can't anyway.

I can't have something as simple and enjoyable as a bath in the evening as we are too scared to disturb the baby (noise) as he wakes so easily/frequently.

I'm quite OCD about my environment and it really gets under my skin to see crap everywhere, washing hanging everywhere, laundry to be put away, dishes out on the side, food stuck all over the kitchen floor after every meal time...and no matter how hard I work at it every day it never gets any better.

Yes, we have had a sleep consultant. We followed everything she said and saw some progress but not enough to make life any better for us all.

Sorry this is long. I just needed to rant. I know I should be grateful to have a family and a home. It was actually all I ever wanted. But the reality is sending me loopy. I just want to escape. I cannot see a way to get through what is realistically going to be another 4 years until my youngest is at school.

Weekends arent much better. it seems they are filled with commitments - visiting family, children's parties, catching up on housework.

4 years is a very long time to hate your life every day!

Any ideas? What can I do?

I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to offer some advice. First of all, others are correct here when they say that you can't see things clearly when you're sleep deprived. Hard to say without knowing you, but I don't think you need anti-depressants, I think you need some sleep and your husband to start pulling his weight. Three key things it strikes me you need to do:

1. Make your husband start doing his share. Men with stay at home wives totally take the piss in this area. I have a full-on WOH job and am quite capable of dealing with a night waking or two when one of my kids is sick. Unless he's performing brain surgery first thing the next morning, he needs to give you the odd night off.
2. Sleep training. Urgently. Others have described the best method - 2 mins then 4 mins etc. Give it a week. It works in 99% of cases if you do it properly and don't cave. Yes it will be tough but you're having a tough time already so things can only get better.
3. As others have said, you are pandering too much to your kids on food, toys etc. Breakfast is cereal, toast or they go hungry. Toys are what you are willing to get out. Again, you may have a few miserable days while they get used to new rules but long term, will be hugely easier.

What strikes me reading your post is how very much not in charge of your own life you feel. SAHP-ing can be really hard but that doesn't mean your husband and kids just get to have you pandering to their every whim. You can set some boundaries. Realise this may all sound bossier than it's meant to and sorry if so!

That's a really helpful post Joanne thank you. Food is a difficult issue at the moment - I don't know what is going on with my eldest (tall, pretty skinny) ... but I can't feed her enough. She only had one breakfast and a small snack before going out for the day yesterday and we had a complete meltdown by 11.30 with her screaming 'I'm hungry' so we drove home miserable.

I've checked for worms. She eats plenty. It's so draining.

I do need to set boundaries. And I do need sleep. I just feel even too tired to do sleep training again. It's so hard. I will cave. He doesn't give in. He can literally scream for hours.

Have you got HomeStart in your area? It saved me. I had 3 under 4 and I dreaded meeting my HS helper for the first time - I imagined her to be a sickly sweet, perfect do-gooder who would show me how easy it was to cope with my brood . Instead I met the most wonderful, down to earth woman who became a friend, in fact almost a 2nd mother figure, and who, when HomeStart withdrew their support because my eldest turned 5 (as they always do), said "they can't stop me from visiting!!". She still comes most weeks now and my youngest is 7!

We used gentle withdrawal with our girls. It took ages but it worked. The last stage was DH sitting in our bedroom until they fell asleep. He would say 'where's Daddy going to be?' 'In your bedroom' then 'And where are my special girls going to be?' 'In our bedrooms'. They still say it every night now, even though they all know full well that DH comes straight down stairs when he shuts their doors - it's a ritual

It can be tough enough doing it all let alone when you're sleep deprived. We're in similar situations with an 8month old and a 4 year old (plus a 6 year old here), a husband who works a lot of hours, no family support etc etc.
My husband doesn't do much housework but will do bedtime during the week and we split the children's activities, night wakenings etc at the weekend. We have a long lie each at weekend too. Talk to your husband about needing to prioritize your health and that means you getting more sleep, time to recharge and perhaps a change of scenery in terms of work if that's what you want. Cut right back on organized activities and commitments at weekend. You need to sleep when you can as you're getting more and more depleted.
I'm a member of a gym with a fantastic childcare and put baby in 3 times a week for an hour while older children at school/nursery. Would that be an option for you? I'm also trading my pram for a jogging stroller so I can go out running in afternoons. I figure if the baby won't nap in his crib then we may as well do something different and get fresh air.

God I am struggling today I feel like I can't carry on. I am so exhausted and want to step off the treadmill !

Haven't read the whole thread but I really feel for you. I'm at work today but when I'm home tonight, about 10ish, I will message again with more words of wisdom and support, including the way I sleep trained my BF baby when I was On my knees with exhaustion

Thank you writer

I also paid out for a sleep consultant's advice as my son, who was 10m old at the time, was an awful sleeper.
He would only ever breast feed to sleep, would wake constantly throughout the night and didn't nap in the day. I was probably getting four hours sleep (broken sleep) in a 24 hour period and I just couldn't cope anymore.

My SS (Sleep Specialist) said I had to do two things to solve the problem: the first was putting him in his own room (he was still in with me) and the second was breaking the feeding to sleep association.

In order to break that association she said that when I took him up for bed then breast feed but do it with the curtains open, all the lights on etc so it wasn't conducive to sleep and make sure I delatch him when I thought he was drifting off. My DS used to sleep in a gro-bag and she said not to put him in his bag until after the feed and then once I had done I could close the curtains, turn the main light off and read him a bedtime story. She said there needed to be a definite distinction between his breast feed and between it being his bedtime routine. The first few days were a bit of a nightmare as he obviously cried when I put him in his cot but it definitely got easier as the nights passed. By about night 4 he wasn't even attempting to fall asleep at the breast, he remained awake and alert and just came off the breast himself when he was done.

After a few weeks of this I actually did his 'bedtime feed' in the living room so then he knew that his nursery was for sleep and nothing else.

Alongside this process I was also doing CC which consisted of me putting DS in his cot whilst awake and then going back in after 2, 4 and 8 minutes. I was told to not take him out of his cot and instead just gently say to him "It's night time sweetheart", lie him back down and leave the room.

This process, alongside as breaking the fees to sleep association was being done to make him have daytime naps as well as address his night time wakings.

The first few nights were the hardest, it took him a while to settle (50 minutes the first night) and when he woke in the night he'd be angry at not having a breast feed but things improved with every night.

By the end of the week I had a baby who could be put in his cot whilst awake, would sleep through for 10-11 hours and would also have two naps a day, each for 1.5 hours. By the end of the week my DS was having 4-5 hours more sleep in a 24 hour period than he's previously been having which is a huge difference. Doing the training saved me from total breakdown I think and it was hugely beneficial to DS because having enough sleep is so important to a baby's development.

One thing I will say though is that having the support of a partner is a HUGE thing because it is so easy to give in and if it wasn't for my husband sitting with me each night and dealing with the upset too I'm not sure that I would have seen it through because it's mentally draining and physically tiring. What my SS said was that before the start of the training I should sit down and write a list of all the reasons why I was doing it and also write a paragraph about how much the lack of sleep is impacting on my life and emotional well-being so that every time I felt like giving up I could read it and it would give me that boost to just persevere because I knew things couldn't carry on like they were.

It's really tough so you have my sympathies

This is such a difficult time, my DCs are 12, 11 and 8 now but I hated beeing on maternity leave, I was lucky enough to have a job and couldn't wait to get back to work. Sleep is your number one priority I would say, get that sorted first, then force yourself to go out with your little one after the school run, you need friends. And find out about free nursery places ASAP.

Parenting is fucking hard, relentless and at times really shitty. I've got three kids between 7-3 and I love them dearly. The middle and youngest both have autism so throw a lot of extra work my way. Dh also assumes as I'm a sahm (not through choice but because we have two Sen kids) that the kids and house stuff are my jobs.

Set boundaries and don't be hard on yourself. Lower your expectations. I always imagine everyone else is a fab parent doing a billion craft ideas and I'm sure some are but some have days where they just watch tv or read books. Lower the pressure on yourself. Most days I count everyone breathing as a win!

Writer good stuff. I wouldn't totally discount a Bf-safe antidepressant OP

Crikey, that sounds hard!
It sounds like you're little one is at a very difficult stage at the moment. I'm sure you know that'll pass, it will get easier. I think that age is the hardest time as hey are all over the place with sleep, incredibly needy and unable to entertain themselves for long, and on the rare occasions that they do tend to do what you really don't want them to!

If DS can go to sleep independently at night, I'm not sure controlled crying is the solution. He may genuinely be hungry or thirsty at that age, my DD had a fairly significant night feed until way past that age. Or it may just be a phase, my DD was a terrible sleeper at that age because she seemed to be trying to crawl or walk in her sleep! She got past that, they all do. Is there anything you can do to make night waking easier for you? Will your DS go down for your DH, in which case he could do the middle weekend night? He really can't argue that work prevents him doing that one, and it would give you one night a week of decent sleep. Or can DS be in your room or you be in his, so that you don't have to completely wake up to resettle him? That can make a big difference.

Everyone has different breakfasts??? That sounds like unnecessary hard work. Your DH should DEFINITELY be getting his own!!! Surely weekday breakfasts are cereal, so even if everyone is on different ones it should be possible to do that without too much difficulty. A five year old can share in the getting out and laying table.

Seconding all those saying can you get a cleaner in for a coupe of hours? They will get more done in that time that you could because they won't be sleep deprived and juggling a baby, so two hours of a cleaner might save you a whole day's worth.

Definitely definitely get out of the house.

Zombie thread!

Though I'd be interested to hear how the OP is doing now