Absolutely hating motherhood - how can I get through this period without walking out?

[1t6y9o]

I have a 9 month old (who has never slept through) and a 5 yr old who has just started school.

I can't go back to work as my husband runs his own business and can't share any school runs or school holidays. After school clubs, breakfast clubs, nursery fees and holiday clubs are absolutely not affordable to us based on the kind of wage I could bring in. We have zero family help and no friends in a position to assist either. Husband works long hours and does not share any household tasks Mon-Fri. Even if we could afford for me to go to work I simply don't see how I could do all I do every morning, get a baby to nursery, a child to school and myself to work by 9am.

I can't bare the fact that I cook and do housework and childcare all day long. I know, I know, I should have realised this before I had kids. I just never knew it would be quite so relentless, tedious and repetitive.

I currently hate my day to day life. Up through the night with the baby. Start the day with both kids 6am, load of washing on, put away from yesterday, unload dishwasher, reload, make numerous breakfasts (everyone likes different things and on different diets, plus 5 yr old going through a growth spurt and has 2-3 breakfasts!). Manic 3 hours until school drop off. Baby always naps on school run so I bring the pram in and get 30 mins peace each day... that is it. Afternoon nap is hit and miss at the moment. If he does go down in the cot he wakes up screaming 45 mins later. After the chaos of the morning I hardly ever feel like making it to a baby group so lately I've been placing him down while I pick up the mess from each room. And thats pretty much our day until 3pm school collection then homework, reading, make dinners, bath, bedtime routine. I don't have any evening at all (go to sleep just after kids do at 7 ish) so have to spend most of the day tidying the mess of the day before.

We recently moved areas so I have no friends to meet for coffee or invite round the break up the day. Plus my house is too much of a tip and far from 'guest ready' so I don't/wouldn't/can't anyway.

I can't have something as simple and enjoyable as a bath in the evening as we are too scared to disturb the baby (noise) as he wakes so easily/frequently.

I'm quite OCD about my environment and it really gets under my skin to see crap everywhere, washing hanging everywhere, laundry to be put away, dishes out on the side, food stuck all over the kitchen floor after every meal time...and no matter how hard I work at it every day it never gets any better.

Yes, we have had a sleep consultant. We followed everything she said and saw some progress but not enough to make life any better for us all.

Sorry this is long. I just needed to rant. I know I should be grateful to have a family and a home. It was actually all I ever wanted. But the reality is sending me loopy. I just want to escape. I cannot see a way to get through what is realistically going to be another 4 years until my youngest is at school.

Weekends arent much better. it seems they are filled with commitments - visiting family, children's parties, catching up on housework.

4 years is a very long time to hate your life every day!

Any ideas? What can I do?

Hello, I can't promise to have any truly useful advice but just want to say that I get it.

Re. breakfast, I have a 5 and a 3 year old. They know that the only things on offer to eat on a weekday are cereal, toast (they don't like porridge but I would offer it if they did) and fruit. No time for anything else!

The work thing is difficult. I do work but am reducing my hours. This is for a variety of reasons but the main one is the difficulty of combining my work hours with childcare. I never realised how limited my career would be (minimal family help) for so many years.

It is relentless with a baby in the mix .

Also I am on a flylady thread in housekeeping - have found it so supportive and it doesn't matter if you don't follow the system exactly!

Oh I feel for you. I know exactly how frustrating it is! We have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. My dh does more than yours but i still end up feeling resentful some days because I feel that I have too much on my plate. So I really understand.

One thing I noticed, not sure if it has been mentioned: you don't sound like you hate motherhood; you sound like you hate being a housewife that is overworked and bored and unsupported at the same time!

Could you introduce a weekend routine where every other weekend one of you gets a day (or half day) to themselves? We have started doing this because I felt that I wasn't getting any time to myself and was going crazy. Also, start saying no to invites or send dh with the kids while you stay home and relax or go out with your friends to unwind. Not every weekend has to be filled with family activities!

Your husband relaxes every evening while you work!?

You need to have equal downtime. So if I've had an hour to myself during the day, I'll do a bit more in the evening. (It's not strict, but you have to trust each other). The fact you're on night shift means he should do first shift in the morning (ie get up before you, get the baby milk, get the older child up and dressed).

When your baby wakes in the night, how do you settle him? Just pat and shh, or feed milk?

Also, you're a great mother for seeking out your own happiness and satisfaction. It's hard to be good at mothering when you're sad and unfulfilled. It's not good for the kids to witness as they grow up either.

Your husband must to do more: 1) to support you, who he loves, 2) to make the relationship better between you, 3) so his son grows up responsible and can land himself a good partner (who wants to live with someone who takes no domestic responsibility?!) and your daughter grows up seeking high standards in a partner.

I'm actually quite furious at your husband. I'm shocked that he lies in bed in the morning whilst you are up with the kids after being up all night??

What the actual fuck??

Does your husband do any chores before he relaxes in the evening?
Agree with what others say about breakfast. Do you make your husband breakfast too? He can do that himself.

Apologies, OP, I've not fully read the thread as I'm guiltily on MN with 8 bazillion things I need to get done. I didn't want to read and run.

I can absolutely 100% guarantee that you're not alone, probably within about a 5 minute radius of your house. I'd say that all of your feelings are totally rational and valid. I love my children more than anything but oh dear god, it's fucking relentless, isn't it? Groundhog Day eat your heart out.

It DOES get better. It really does. In the meantime, check out some local to you FB parenting sites. Where roughly are you? If by any chance you're in the SE London area then I can recommend some excellent ones. Believe me, there are many others in very similar situations.

It's hard. It really is. But you're so not alone

OP will your youngest sleep in the car? If they will, make yourself a coffee and go for a nice drive, listen to your favourite music. It can double up as babes afternoon nap too. If you are able to stop the car without them waking up go and park somewhere nice. If not just drive on slower roads (less miles- saves fuel!)

I do it sometimes and even just half an hour to myself helps

OP will your youngest sleep in the car? If they will, make yourself a coffee and go for a nice drive, listen to your favourite music. It can double up as babes afternoon nap too. If you are able to stop the car without them waking up go and park somewhere nice. If not just drive on slower roads (less miles- saves fuel!)

I do it sometimes and even just half an hour to myself helps

It's tough! I felt like that when my youngest (non-sleeping) was a baby and still do to some extent several years later. Putting the children in nursery a little was what really helped me through, when you are doing both day and night shifts you need some time out to breathe even if it is just to go supermarket shopping alone (appreciate this is not always possible financially).

I also struggled to socialise with other mums / do baby groups when in a constant state of exhaustion but I've managed it more recently and it absolutely helps break the monotony. My eldest has just started school too and I've met several other mums with younger children at drop off and ended up going for coffee / to play groups with them. Heading there straight after drop off helps avoid that slump in motivation you get once you get home.

Completely understand the monotony of housework. it's so tedious yet also a losing battle as it never ends. Personally I have opted to lower my standards a bit in favour of my sanity. If your baby will sit and play for a bit, take some time yourself to sit too.

You're completely overwhelmed and exhausted.

It is tough, no one can deny that, but you seem to be drained.

Perhaps you could speak to your gp?

I hope that it gets better or feels better soon.

Cancel all weekend arrangements. Shut the house down. Sleep at every opportunity at the weekend while your dh minds the children.
You are totally exhausted.

Your dh is taking the piss.

When I was on mat leave, we all got up together and got the DCs ready together even though I was at home. Gave me the chance to get myself ready.

As for him not doing housework - honestly? Can you get a cleaner?

Also you mentioned you were spending the whole day tidying up - why exactly? You mentioned ocd? I work four days and on my day off, when the DCs are at school, it only takes 20 mins to get the house back in to shape post school morning so worth looking at your routine.

But you do have a dh problem. He needs to pull his weight a bit more and give you some space.

Can you afford a nanny? It is possible to get two adults ready with two DCs for work - just takes organising and it might save your sanity.

just to add a positive point OP - the next three years won't be like this. You have a 9 month old - but this time next year the baby will be a toddler, you will find it easier to get out and about and meet people.

I can't get over that your DH relaxes all evening - can't you sign up to a yoga class or something and just walk out of the door when he gets home.

You feel overwhelmed - but another way I got through mornings when I went back to work was Igot a local teenager to come round at 730am and read /play with the 4yr old while I got up and out.

I can't go back to work as my husband runs his own business and can't share any school runs or school holidays.

This is bollocks. Your DH can re-prioritise, as everyone who becomes a parent has to do. Never say I can't. Say I can, and this is how.

What is his business?

Surely as business owner he has the most flexibility of all

For starters, your DH should be showing some solidarity with you by getting up with you in the morning and making himself useful.
Why does he get to lie in? What a pisstake.

I feel for you op. Just some practical suguestions as I hate untidiness too:

• prioritise what has to be done and what can wait, eg, washing dishes is a daily job but vacuuming can be put off
• cheat - handheld vacuum for quick spot cleans, antibacterial wipes or surface cleaner for surfaces that you use every day, leave the rest for another time
• if you have a spare room or cupboard, put all the junk, laundry, things to be sorted in there, out of sight and deal with it another time
• cheat again - we hardly use the bathtub, so it doesn't get cleaned. Cleaning the bathroom for me is a quick clean of the toilet after Ive used it if the baby isn't screaming for me and a quick clean of the sink. The floor gets cleaned with wipes when I have the chance
• I leave the bins by the door if I want oh to take them out on his way to work in the morning
• lot of boxes to chuck toys and books into
• intray for mail, oh is terrible for leaving letters everywhere to 'remind him to deal' with them

And as above, your oh should be doing more. Mine is terrible for washing up but happily washes and sterilises lo's bottles. So I leave those for him but do our dishes, instead of doing everything. Likewise he puts on the laundry load, I take it out and hang them up. It's certainly not 50:50, but it's a start and I will make sure he does more when I go back to work.

Have fully read the thread now...

• as pp said, sertraline is fine for bf, I took it. Yes, it's situational and antidepressants aren't a magical cure, but they take the edge off. They help you think that little bit more clearly and therefore cope a little better. Worth considering. If not, consider mindfulness, cognitive behaviour therapy tips that you can find online (I should take my own advice here...)
• porridge with different additions each day for breakfast - different fruits, textures etc?

Make a batch of savoury or sweet muffins at the weekend and give one a day to the 5 yo?

• free playgroups at schools and churches will let you plonk down the 9 month old for a bit, and I find people aren't as pressing about you being sociable. You could just sit there and read something on your phone while watching him
• I go out for coffee on .my own all the time (with baby). Gets me out of the house, and I treat it as 'me time'. Don't always need friends or relatives to go for coffee. I try to give myself a treat most days, whether it's a coffee, a milkshake, lunch etc. Doesn't have to be expensive, for example asda do cheap lunches or coffee and no one cares if the baby starts crying while we're there

Lots of good advice on here. Getting out is really good for two reasons:

1. It breaks up your day and chatting to other adults can really help drive away the monotonousness
2. It's much easier to keep the house clean & tidy. Going out just after doing a chunk of tidying is a great way of keeping the house nice until you get back and have that homely feeling of walking back through the door to a welcoming house. Even if it does become, err, 'lived in' soon after!

And yes, I'd also challenge the idea of not taking anti-depressants. It could be that you need them to help you find your way out of feeling so low. Sometimes if you're depressed even changes that will help your state of mind can feel hard, and there's so shame / physical reason to not take them of it helps you find solutions to the stuff that's bringing you down.

Good luck.

Your day/night etc sounds really exhausting. It also chimes with me a lot as I'm in a similar boat. I hit rock bottom and that wasn't a bad thing, it took me to the GP and now I've had counselling. It has helped enormously. I was hesitant at first as I felt, like you, it was situational depression. But that doesn't mean professional support doesn't help. It's helped me feel stronger and to work out what practical things I want/need to make happen in order to be my best self again.

Started with delegation. I think what you're suggesting about asking your husband to do stuff in the mornings is good

( will have a word as I think he could get up the same time as us, allow me to have a shower and at least do a couple of short tasks like unload the dishwasher every day)

This is what my OH does every day. Sometimes he gets up with them and I sleep in. We're up all night after all.

I wish you luck. You are not alone. It is so hard, and feeling you should be grateful for it all the time is exhausting too. You don't have to feel grateful all the time. You love them. That doesn't mean you have to love scraping up sticky crap off the floor. Two different things.

Ps I go out almost all day every day (libraries/groups/shops) so Wr don't get bored & the house doesn't get messy...

Cinnamon23 - how long did it take to get counselling through the GP? How many sessions? And what was the approach? Did they just let you talk of did they offer advice?

Thanks all for the wonderful replies. Not been on the internet all week as 2 very poorly kids at home. Hate these winter bugs! Will come back and reply as soon as I can. Things aren't getting any better.

Sorry to hear things aren't improving - and poorly kids is tough. Nhs prioritise you if you have a child under one. I got a letter through in a week, then phone assessment, about a month/six weeks all in all I think? But talking to the GP was good in itself, also