Absolutely hating motherhood - how can I get through this period without walking out?

[1t6y9o]

I have a 9 month old (who has never slept through) and a 5 yr old who has just started school.

I can't go back to work as my husband runs his own business and can't share any school runs or school holidays. After school clubs, breakfast clubs, nursery fees and holiday clubs are absolutely not affordable to us based on the kind of wage I could bring in. We have zero family help and no friends in a position to assist either. Husband works long hours and does not share any household tasks Mon-Fri. Even if we could afford for me to go to work I simply don't see how I could do all I do every morning, get a baby to nursery, a child to school and myself to work by 9am.

I can't bare the fact that I cook and do housework and childcare all day long. I know, I know, I should have realised this before I had kids. I just never knew it would be quite so relentless, tedious and repetitive.

I currently hate my day to day life. Up through the night with the baby. Start the day with both kids 6am, load of washing on, put away from yesterday, unload dishwasher, reload, make numerous breakfasts (everyone likes different things and on different diets, plus 5 yr old going through a growth spurt and has 2-3 breakfasts!). Manic 3 hours until school drop off. Baby always naps on school run so I bring the pram in and get 30 mins peace each day... that is it. Afternoon nap is hit and miss at the moment. If he does go down in the cot he wakes up screaming 45 mins later. After the chaos of the morning I hardly ever feel like making it to a baby group so lately I've been placing him down while I pick up the mess from each room. And thats pretty much our day until 3pm school collection then homework, reading, make dinners, bath, bedtime routine. I don't have any evening at all (go to sleep just after kids do at 7 ish) so have to spend most of the day tidying the mess of the day before.

We recently moved areas so I have no friends to meet for coffee or invite round the break up the day. Plus my house is too much of a tip and far from 'guest ready' so I don't/wouldn't/can't anyway.

I can't have something as simple and enjoyable as a bath in the evening as we are too scared to disturb the baby (noise) as he wakes so easily/frequently.

I'm quite OCD about my environment and it really gets under my skin to see crap everywhere, washing hanging everywhere, laundry to be put away, dishes out on the side, food stuck all over the kitchen floor after every meal time...and no matter how hard I work at it every day it never gets any better.

Yes, we have had a sleep consultant. We followed everything she said and saw some progress but not enough to make life any better for us all.

Sorry this is long. I just needed to rant. I know I should be grateful to have a family and a home. It was actually all I ever wanted. But the reality is sending me loopy. I just want to escape. I cannot see a way to get through what is realistically going to be another 4 years until my youngest is at school.

Weekends arent much better. it seems they are filled with commitments - visiting family, children's parties, catching up on housework.

4 years is a very long time to hate your life every day!

Any ideas? What can I do?

Well, he is held though, no rocking, but we have been doing this a month and he still cries and doesn't settle easily. I have him on my lap and he'll be hysterical so I lift him upwards, walk around a bit, then back to my lap. I may have to do that several times.

I don't think he's quite self settling as he still requires a lot of input from me. A lot of sshh! Distracting from the crying cycle by tapping on the side of the cot and so on. He's a determined little one.

I'd like to be able to get him straight in the cot

Your husband can sort his own bloody breakfast for a start, and the five year old can learn to pour milk over cereal.

That's really useful Nickyeds - thanks! That seems like a good method for the night time and so great it went down to 10-15 mins on the second night

DH doesn't always get up with us but it's never that much longer after - he has a shower, eats breakfast then usually leaves right away. If he has time he'll clean our eldest teeth and ensure she's dressed properly.

I do need to have a word with him. I think he should be getting up with us at 6/6.15 when kids wake every single time.

Hi,

Sertraline is fine for bf. Bit of a slow start but really helped.

I know it's situational however I found it changed my perception of things. So even though everything was the same I wasn't so fed up with it. I went back to sleep much more easily at night too. I co slept and bf. Fed baby and just nodded off. I was still aware of him waking though; it was just a cozy feeling to go back to sleep.

All day was cozy. I enjoyed listening to the radio while I did stuff. It was better.

Your dh sounds like a knob if he won't even offer to look after the baby while you have a bath with earplugs in. Sorry he needs to do more.

You and your DH need to aim to have equal down time. If you are doing everything at home then presumably he is having evenings to himself to unwind as well as getting a full night's sleep. He needs to take some of the load from you. I have a 7 month old who still wakes at night and I reckon I need about 9-10 hours in bed to have any chance at getting enough sleep around night feeds, so I reckon I am doing 1-2 hours work overnight! If your husband is struggling to do housework after work then he needs to pull his weight at the weekends and give you a break or look at if you can afford a cleaner/childcare. Easier said than done though.

Albertcampions - eldest is eating like a horse so cereal wouldn't even touch the sides. I make eggs/avocado/beans first thing then another quicker breakfast around 8am. I wish I could just put cereal and milk on the table !

User1471 - you are absolutely right about downtime. It is unfair...he has every evening to chill plus a full nights sleep through the week but you'll never convince some working parents ... I've seen it a lot on here from working mums who think they have it tough and all my friends who work think I have the life of Riley and say they'd swap in a heartbeat. You'll never convince these people to do more round the home!

Ok it doesn't sound like self settling then. Self settling is when you put them in their cot awake (ideally relaxed and sleepy, but definitely still awake) and say night night and walk out. And they go to sleep.

Controlled crying - much what NickyEd described. You get them relaxed and sleepy, put in cot, few strokes and say night night, walk out. They will cry. You leave it for 2 mins then go back and stroke and say night night. Then 4 min, then 8, then 16 etc. Exact number of minutes doesn't matter, it's increasing the intervals that's key, and being consistent about what you do when you go in - either stroke them or pick them up but it should be brief and the same each time. The difficult bit is not giving in and cuddling to sleep - if you give in it's all wasted and the next time will be harder as they'll be expecting you to give in some time... The first day is very hard but it is so much easier after that.

Or you could carry on the path you are doing which is gradual retreat. This is slower (much slower!) but less crying. You have gone from BF to rocking to cuddling which is good progress. Next step would probably be having him go to sleep in cot with you stroking him or with hand on him. Then having him go to sleep with you standing/lying next to cot. Then with you at the door. Etc. The end aim is still for you to be able to say night night to an awake baby and walk out... it's that result which helps with the night wakings as it means they can put themselves back to sleep if they wake.

however if your baby is teething, ill or going through separation anxiety, sleep training is not ideal at the moment... Sorry!

Having read your most recent post I think, in the nicest way, you are making things harder for yourself than they need to be. I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old and I would never even contemplate making eggs, avocado, and beans for breakfast on a weekday morning! Let alone doing another 2-3 rounds of breakfast before school (preschool in my case). There are lots of breakfast options that are far simpler, equally filling, and that your 5 year old could just help themselves to if they got hungry again. Porridge, weetabix, peanut butter on toast, banana... Things like beans and eggs are for the weekend when you have the luxury of time.

I'm glad you are going to get your DH to do more, he should. My DH gets up with the 3 year old (usually about half six) so I can sleep in a bit with the baby. If he has time before work he will give him breakfast and empty the dishwasher. If he is home in time he helps with bedtime, and he always clears up after we have had dinner (I cook). Most days he is out of the house at 7 and back at 7.30 at the earliest, so he has a long, tiring day, but he recognises that I do as well. We are a team, I am not his support staff!

YOUR SALARY does not need to cover childcare for your children. Your husband's salary should cover at least half - they're his kids too!

Well it does if they're both living on one salary at the moment, assuming finances are shared. Her salary would have to be more than the nursery fee.

If I went back to work it wouldn't matter if I paid or DH paid as it's all one account.

Three hours between waking and school starting is such a long time.

Obviously the baby will wake up when it suits them, but could your 5 yr old not be encouraged to sleep a bit later?

When I was an au pair, all four children (aged 2–9) would wake up just half an hour before they needed to leave for school/nursery. It meant that half hour was quite full on getting them all ready but at least it wasn't drawn out over hours on end.

Having said that, how the mum had developed that routine in all of the kids I do not know, but they all slept until 7:30 no problem at all (maybe because that was the expectation?)

No, the salary would not have to be more than the nursery fees

Because it us a long term thing. After a few years it already gets cheaper (is it still 15 hrs a week free from 2 yrs 9 months?) and basically you are investing in your career (if you want one) and your sanity.

It is much harder to get back to work after an 8 yr break.

And yes, 3 breakfasts is silly.

Just put bread/peanut butter/jam/fruit/yoghurt/milk on the table.

You can go all continental and add cheese/ham (protein, and sugar free).

But no need to chop avocados and cook eggs. No need!

And yes, whatever you do, get H on board with the morning routine

Going out more helps. A lot. Definitely try and go to somewhere in the morning straight after school run. Less mess is made while out and it'll give you a chance to meet people.

It's awful. Groundhog Day of make food, clear up food. I lay on the floor and cried one day on the 5th clear up from food.

I think this is your big chance.
If your work is such that you'd not earn enough to cover childcare then retraining in something lucrative is what you should be aiming for I reckon. If you're on z low income childcare should be subsidised through tax credits and colleges often have onsite creches for the youngest.

If your DH won't help, claim your life back and do something just for you. And to give you your own secure income.

You don't need to be chopping up avocados. Porridge will keep them full.

Your DH can certainly do more than get out of bed and go to work. He's taking the mickey.

Sertraline can work wonders and is fine for bf.

Your H should do much more, and / or consider getting a job instead of running a business in order to earn more per hour .

It's not motherhood you hate, it's being in an unfair set up where you do all of the drudge and get no sleep.

It's untrue that WOH MNetters say a SAHP with a baby and young DC should get all domestic work done: is it actually your H who you think thinks that?

Your H should do a fair share of the nights too - at least 3 a week!

And yes, look into ways to increase your earning power, so in due course you can WoH.

I think if you can afford an occasional babysitter or cleaner, say for 3 hours every two weeks, you should use this not to go out in the evening but just to have some time to yourself - even to do something useful like to go out to the supermarket - BY YOURSELF - can be relaxing compared to childcare and housework. I get quite a thrill walking down the street all by myself, no one to chivvy, hang on to or drag behind me!

Even better do something nice for yourself - browse the shops or an art gallery, go to a cafe and read for a bit. A short break can be very restorative.

You said in your OP you 'should have known' but I too have found it astonishing just how much work it is both to look after children and to run a household that involves children - the amount of cooking, cleaning, washing seems to have increased 20 fold, and physically it's a hard slog - a lot of lifting, trudging, dragging, watching. And I have only one child!! And a fantastic sleeper!!

On the sleep front: will the little one take an afternoon nap in the car or if you walk with the pushchair? My DD was very noise sensitive as a baby but still the fresh air and motion of the pushchair or the car would help her sleep. I used to enjoy the walk or pull over in the car and read a book while she slept in her seat.

Re housework at weekends. Build some nice time for yourself into your diary and make it sacrosanct. Again it might be just an hour to soak in the bath etc. Ignore housework etc. at that point. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done - as soon as it's done it needs doing again anyway. Whereas the time for yourself is yours and does you good in the moment. Use the TV as a babysitter if you need to. I was against initially but needs must. Or a playpen for the baby (ditto).

Last thought: I like the flylady approach to cleaning and tidying which is to define the amount of time you spend on something and do only that. She has a '5 minute room rescue' which is nice. Set the timer and clear a room as fast as you can. Then sit down and have a cuppa!

Your husband is taking the piss. I run my own business and do 90% of the drop offs and pick ups at nursery.
Get a job and get your dh to do his share of parenting!

If you want to go back to work you should.

Yes it's hectic getting up and out in the morning but it feels so good when you leave the kids at the childminder and head off !!

All over the country people do get up and ready for work in similar situations. Don't let it put uou off looking for work.

I would go crackers if I didn't work part time. Surely you would earn enough for the cost of one child at a childminder for the day? Plus after school for your eldest.

There is no way a five year old needs two breakfasts consisting of what you have outlined. He/she may be bored, and you/he are interpreting it as hunger again. I would be trying to make life a bit easier for yourself. Put the five year old in front of the telly for the time when you would be feeding them again, it will give you time to sort out youngest and not overfeed oldest.
All the controlled crying techniques mentioned upthread are absolutely right. IT WORKS! But you have to be committed, you and DP/H have to be committed as a couple, do it together and keep at it. When it is done correctly, it will take less than 10 days to get your DS to sleep through. Breastfeeding to sleep is never a good idea, as they don't learn how to self-soothe and get to sleep naturally without you.
Good luck ! And get your DP to help out more, empty d/w at the end of the day? Go to bed and leave it to him, plus instructions as to what to leave out for breakfast...and don't make his!

I also don't understand why your husband long hours mean you can't work. I have a childminder who has my youngest and picks my older one from school. ..that means I can work 9 til 5.

And in total agreement thst your breakfasts are madness. My son is a big boy and big eater and he has a big bowl of porridge. If he is still hungry he gets an apple.

Can you put him to bed later so he doesn't wake at six...

And really do think of work as worth doing for its own sake. You will be happier and you will enjoy your time with the kids more.

If you've got family to visit at weekends, can you invite them to yours instead and ask them for a bit of help? They may enjoy an hour playing with the kids while you have a break.