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Parenting

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Original poster

HV told me to stop cuddling baby to sleep/feel fed up

76 replies

Sun1983 · 25/09/2016 19:10

little boy is 7.5 month. HV asked how I put him to sleep. Explained I cuddle him in he has to have my hair to play with (Iv tried to discourage this and gave him "mr blanky" as a comfort so he had something when I'm not there but now he has to have both!) she said I'm stopping him from learning that he has to fall asleep on his own instead of needing me. It's not like he doesn't sleep through, Apart from the dummy falling out and his "leg banging" . She also said I should be thinking about putting him in his own room and that I'm trying to keep him a baby.
Tbh I've never been right since, Iv felt on a bit of a downer. I am now putting him down awake watching him on the monitor pulls at my heart strings seeing him looking to the side through the cot bars for me! Obv it's taking him ages to settle. And the thought of him being on his own when we put him in his own room and now seeing that he's looking for me well I'm dreading it. I've thought about me getting an air bed and going in with him so it's like one step at a time? But then I think me and my bf are just going to drift further apart seeing as we're sleeping in separate rooms? I'm fed up of thinking about it. Thing is bf snores too so he probs does disturb little boy during the night and him us with his leg banging.

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booox · 26/09/2016 10:20

And as an aside, after teaching children with autism and adhd and reading books such as "3 in a bed", I think the more cuddles the better.

Badgoushk · 26/09/2016 10:21

Follow your instincts. Ignore the HV. I try to keep away from the HV as much as possible so I don't get told off for cosleeping, etc. What do they think humans did before the Victorians put babies in separate rooms?!

bookbuddy · 26/09/2016 10:23

Smile and nod at hv then get on and do what you do! Seriously they don't stay babies for long make the most of it, I still cuddle my 4 yo to sleep and enjoy every second of it.

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sianihedgehog · 26/09/2016 10:25

Scientifically speaking she's full of shit. Sleep and attachment are developmental, and babies learn to fall asleep without cuddling and to sleep alone without any help when it is time for them to.

Mycraneisfixed · 26/09/2016 10:50

Going against the flow here (gulp) but HV is offering you good advice for YOUR benefit. She isn't being judgy but she can see you're tired and once you've had a rational think about it maybe you'll take her advice. Your DS won't suffer if you put him to bed in his cot so he can learn to settle himself, and you'll be more rested.
Your routine will become a habit which will eventually have to be broken.

OutsSelf · 26/09/2016 11:02

Your routine will become a habit which will eventually have to be broken

I don't agree. Kids grow out of their childish needs themselves without people needing to break anything ime

My two were ebf to sleep, coslept, cuddled to sleep. Totally happy independent sleepers now (at 3&5). Sometimes they want a cuddle, sometimes they are happy to go to sleep themselves. It's really no problem.

booox · 26/09/2016 11:05

I understand what you're saying and that is the hv's view point. However, 'Habits' are perceptions and the rest of the world doesn't view cuddling to sleep as 'habit;' it's just normal.

It also ignores the baby's view. Some babies just need more reassurance than others. I know if one baby who's parents would turn their back on the changing mat for a minute to find she'd nodded off. Others are overly alert and attach strongly to whom ever they feel most safe with.

Its developmental and an evolutionary thing, as well as early communication. And communication is two ways; "I signal and you respond positively to my signal." A child can learn they don't get a response but it's not necessarily a good thing to learn.

And this isn't soft woo; it's science and actually all the child protection training I've attended recently has made these points.

booox · 26/09/2016 11:06

(Responding to mycrane)

BummyMummy77 · 26/09/2016 11:09

In my opinion your HV is an asshole and needs sacking.

Ds still nurses and cuddles to sleep even at nap time and he's nearly three. Would that work for everyone? No. Does it work for us? Yes. He's going to be not wanting to soon enough and we're enjoying these moments while we can.

I've been lucky that my midwives and paediatricians have all been supportive and positive about how we choose to raise our child.

BummyMummy77 · 26/09/2016 11:11

Do what instinctively feels right and you usually can't go far wrong. Trust yourself.
And give yourself a break.

booox · 26/09/2016 11:15

Here's a cuddling and BFing to sleep paediatrician.... (She is now and still feeding I believe, and number 2)

https://issuu.com/magazineproduction/docs/mw v322issue 440914_ezine/32

I think she top trumps the HV!

booox · 26/09/2016 11:17

The link is more about BF but the point is the medical community are seeing this sort of thing as NORMAL and OK.

PotatoBread · 26/09/2016 11:57

My HV told me that week that my DD was a high needs baby because at 11 weeks old she needs rocked to sleep at night. Ignoring the fact that this takes only 5 minutes and she then sleeps through until 7.30am. I laughed when she left and am counting my blessings whilst it lasts as I'm sure my 'high needs' baby won't always be such a great sleeper.

Take what they say with a pinch of salt

dotdotdotmustdash · 26/09/2016 16:57

I would love to support the 'tell the HV to piss off' school of thought, but I reckon she has a point, and she's worked with lots and lots of women and babies before so she does know what she's talking about.

My babies were both put into their own rooms when they started sleeping through between midnight - 6am, mainly because I didn't want to wake them with us coming to bed and snoring etc. By a year old they were both self-settling and sleeping through from 8-9pm, even my Ds with ASD.

I know that's not true of all children, but I have several friends who have BF, co-slept and cuddled their babies to sleep, all good until they have a toddler who still wakes like a newborn through the night and doesn't know how to sleep alone. These Mums are shattered and depressed and the babies never get a good run of sleep either. There's lots of crying (from Mum and baby) and a whole household is held hostage to a toddler who hasn't learned to settle in their bed. There are plenty of threads on here from women like that.

It's your decision OP, if you have the time and energy to go at baby's pace then it's absolutely fine for you to go on as you are. If you have a pressing need to get into a regular 'normal' routine as soon as you can then you can sleep train your baby now and he will be none the worse for it.

clare2307 · 26/09/2016 19:03

I cuddled my eldest to sleep until she was almost 3, when she decided on her own accord one night she would be fine on her own. She is now 7 and we have had no issues with her. She goes to bed no problem (and always has done!) Currently cuddling my youngest, who is 1, to sleep. Enjoy it for as long as you can and ignore anyone who says otherwise. If you don't have a problem with it, then neither should they!

NataliaOsipova · 26/09/2016 19:11

Honestly - ask 4 health visitors the same question and I will guarantee that you get 4 completely different answers. They (usually) mean well and it can be comforting to talk to someone else who has a lot of experience of babies when you've had your first. But ultimately - with something like this - it's your call.

goffin19 · 02/12/2016 21:27

Hello. My son is 33 and i cuddled him to sleep until he was 2 when he gradually just started to fall into a pattern .My younger son would fall asleep as soon as he was put into his cot. They are both happy individuals and no different due to their different sleep patterns as babies. You should do whatever feels right for you and your baby. your health visitor should realise he 'is ' a baby and they thrive on this contact. They settle down when they are ready and if you are upset trying to do this differently ,this will impact on both of you.Happy cuddling.

Doublemint · 02/12/2016 21:32

I feed my 10month old to sleep and literally this week it's stopped working, now it's feed, rock and cuddle for 5 mins then put her in her cot.

Trust me feeding them to sleep is a LOT easier than trying to put them down awake. It's not natural when they're that little. Trust your instincts and they will fall asleep without feeding when they are ready to. The best way for that must be for them to feel safe and comforted surely? Whether that's feeding or feeding then cuddles or just cuddles or even, when they are much older, tucking them into bed and sitting next to them as they drift off. Nothing lasts forever and you've got to do what's right and easiest for you and your baby.

Doublemint · 02/12/2016 21:32

Omg just realised she's 11 months today! It goes by so quickly!

Yoarchie · 02/12/2016 21:40

Only in Britain do health professionals get stupid about mothers loving and cuddling their little babies
Ignore her.

Do you need to get him weighed any more? If there aren't any concerns, I'd quit that right away. Go to the mandatory checks, smile and nod. Anything you really want advice on, use the Internet. Not some crazy person who thinks cuddling babies is wrong.

Phoenix76 · 02/12/2016 23:05

I have a 3 year old who sleeps very contentedly in her own bed, no sleep issues, and I did exactly what you're doing now so keep doing what makes you both happy, you'll never get these precious times back. And, I'm doing exactly what you're doing with my 9 month old and if anyone objects they can do one! My babies, my way! Enjoy!!!

Nicketynac · 02/12/2016 23:15

www.sidsandkids.org/wp-content/uploads/Room_Sharing.pdf

Advice that sharing a room with baby until 12 months reduces risk of cot death. Saw this in news recently but can't find the link but the gist was that the greatest effect is during the first six months as this is when the risk to baby is highest.

Doubt there is strong evidence either way about cuddling babies to sleep. I did it with my son who goes to sleep and stays asleep and am doing it with my baby daughter. She loves it and I don't mind doing it. She will settle to sleep on her own eventually and in the meantime we are both happy.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 12:39

I still cuddle my 13 month old to sleep sometimes...your HV would despise me lol.

BrianCoxWithBellsOn · 03/12/2016 12:51

My 3.5 year old was always cuddled to sleep and is still cuddled to sleep.

He goes off within 10 minutes.

A 10 minute cuddle a night is hardly life wrecking.

Self-settling is natural to some babies and not to others.

If you're lucky you have a self settler. If not, you may be able to train them. Of course, if you have a baby that doesn't respond to the training then you adapt and make things work for your family and your needs.

SheepyFun · 03/12/2016 13:13

We still stay with our almost 4yo DD to go to sleep. So long as she's tired, this is pretty quick.

She was in our room until 8 months, and we only moved her because it was a hot summer and her room is cooler. We had a bed in there alongside the cot, so one of us could help her get back to sleep with minimum effort. We now have two single mattresses on the floor of her room, making up a superking bed so one of us can lie with her as she goes to sleep, or if she wakes in the night.

Incidentally, we've never mentioned this to a HV. DD's eating remains spectacularly difficult, so they had something else to focus on :)

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