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Parenting

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Original poster

HV told me to stop cuddling baby to sleep/feel fed up

76 replies

Sun1983 · 25/09/2016 19:10

little boy is 7.5 month. HV asked how I put him to sleep. Explained I cuddle him in he has to have my hair to play with (Iv tried to discourage this and gave him "mr blanky" as a comfort so he had something when I'm not there but now he has to have both!) she said I'm stopping him from learning that he has to fall asleep on his own instead of needing me. It's not like he doesn't sleep through, Apart from the dummy falling out and his "leg banging" . She also said I should be thinking about putting him in his own room and that I'm trying to keep him a baby.
Tbh I've never been right since, Iv felt on a bit of a downer. I am now putting him down awake watching him on the monitor pulls at my heart strings seeing him looking to the side through the cot bars for me! Obv it's taking him ages to settle. And the thought of him being on his own when we put him in his own room and now seeing that he's looking for me well I'm dreading it. I've thought about me getting an air bed and going in with him so it's like one step at a time? But then I think me and my bf are just going to drift further apart seeing as we're sleeping in separate rooms? I'm fed up of thinking about it. Thing is bf snores too so he probs does disturb little boy during the night and him us with his leg banging.

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braceybracegirl · 25/09/2016 19:50

He is a baby ffs. Please please ignore her and enjoy the cuddles. You might curse it in the future but I doubt it. Those baby cuddles are lovely. Enjoy them.

GettingScaredNow · 25/09/2016 19:51

My ds is 2. I'm currently sleep training. Like right now as I type.
He also took attachment to my hair and this is sheer hell. It's so heart breaking hearing him cry and say 'mama' over and over.

I cuddled him up til 3 days ago and loved every second and so did he. This is the price I pay for that.
I don't regret it and wouldn't do it differently (well, maybe I would have trained a bit earlier... Like 1 maybe!)

So what you want and tell te HV to bugger off.

braceybracegirl · 25/09/2016 19:52

My DD is almost 9. She was in scbu till 8 weeks old and we missed out on so many cuddles and I couldn't breastfeed her. She is the cuddliest girl I know. Still cuddles me and sits on my lap. (Shes tiny for her age!) She's wonderful and I cherish every cuddle we have.

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29redshoes · 25/09/2016 19:55

As far as I can tell, HVs just give out personal opinions. Not only is a lot of the "advice" barmy, it's not even consistent from one HV to the next. It's particularly odd that she started telling you what to do when you hadn't even asked her! If you're happy then just keep doing what you're doing.

On moving your DS to his own room, I think you just have to try and balance his/your/your OH's needs and work out what's best for all three of you...not easy I guess. My DD is 4.5 months and we're planning on moving her to her own room at about 6.5 months.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 25/09/2016 19:57

Ignore the fruitbat, of course he's still a baby!! Cuddle him loads, respond to his needs, he will grow up secure in your love.
Your decision on the room but you can still have "adult time" with the baby sleeping in cot next to you, they won't notice a thing!

GettingScaredNow · 25/09/2016 19:58

Should have added, I couldn't put ds in his own room as I only have a 2 bed and Dd has the other room so he's been with me ever since birth.
But it made no difference with Dd, I put her in her own room at 6 months and nothing changed til she was 18 months

Oly5 · 25/09/2016 20:09

Ignore the silly health visitor and enjoy those cuddles!

Coconut0il · 25/09/2016 20:16

DS1 is 13 and I'd love to go back to a time when he liked a cuddle. DS2 is 1 and I feed him to sleep and cuddle him as much as possible.
If you want to move him into his own room do, but nothing wrong if you don't.

GrassIsJewelled · 25/09/2016 20:53

If you want to cuddle your baby to sleep, you must. They are only little for such a short time. I still cuddle my two year old to sleep. He doesn't sleep through yet, but one day he will.

I will never look back and regret cuddling him or sharing a bed, but I would worry about the affects of leaving him to cry.

Do what makes you both happy.

JayDot500 · 25/09/2016 22:36

My son is close to 8 months and still sleeping in our bed (although I never set out to Co-sleep!). He used to be rocked to sleep but I've started lying down next to him after his bedtime bottle. I pretend to sleep as he chats to the ceiling then eventually nods off, but he needs the reassurance that I'm there or it'd be a different story. I didn't choose to stop rocking him, I just noticed he wasn't falling asleep the same way any longer, and he'd wake up soon after I put him on the bed. So naturally, I thought it's time for the next stage.

Do what you feel is right, don't worry about the hv, they sometimes miss the mark. Babies are different too. My husband's culture embraces the baby stage and it's meant that I've had peace, I swear!

DogsMum · 25/09/2016 23:03

I stopped bothering with HVs as they all seem to be the same patronising type...wtf at 'keeping your 7mo old a baby'....what IS a baby in her eyes I wonder???

Mine told me not to look directly into my child's eyes as it could cause him to become aggressive as a teenager He was about 3 weeks old at the time..

Mynd · 26/09/2016 00:22

Ignore ignore ignore. Though yes, it does get you upset and down. My own mother-in-law berated me for standing up rocking my 5 month old as I was talking to her. "You're making a rod for your own back with that rocking!". No I'm not. I did the same with my 5 year old and I'm certainly not rocking her any more. There does seem to be a lot of surprise when I walk around the shops carrying DD2 instead of having her in a buggy. People seem to find it really odd that you might want to hold your own baby. A woman came into work yesterday and say 'oh, haven't you got a carry carseat for her? You can just have her on the floor and nudge it with your foot to rock her'. Well yes, but I prefer holding her.

Was also told to stop breastfeeding her and switch to formula by a HV who proved incapable of using scales. She thought DD2 wasn't gaining weight. HV asked me if I was breastfeeding. I nodded. She asked if I had milk. "Well yes, I'm not pretending". She then glanced at my partner and said "Well, after your wife has finished feeding, perhaps offer a bottle of formula". As if I was deluding myself and poor DD2 was sucking air. I'd fed DD1 for 2 years so could sort of rise above it, but I can see why so many first time mums give up. My stepmother suggested I get DD2's head circumference checked and 'is she, y'know, developing normally?'. WTF? She's 75th centile for head circumference. Hardly microcephaly, is it?

Feel for you. It's really undermining. But you have to ignore it. You know you're doing well. Sod everyone else. xx

Mynd · 26/09/2016 00:28

"Mine told me not to look directly into my child's eyes as it could cause him to become aggressive as a teenager"

What the actual f**k? Having studied modules in child development and autism, I've read a lot of material that actually recommends the opposite. From birth, babies start a feedback loop with their parents, beginning with eye contact. This triggers the baby's brain to crave more interaction, and so it goes. It's crucial to make eye contact with a baby. To recommend the opposite is just insane.

gallicgirl · 26/09/2016 00:33

Wow. This hv sounds like a right one. Some are great but don't worry about listening especially on non-medical matters. My DS is 18 months, sleeps in our room still and co-sleeps for part of the night. It works for us right now and you'll find what works for you.

Daisyandbabies · 26/09/2016 08:52

Are you joking, haha! I still cuddle my 4 year old to sleep and co sleep with my 2 and 4 year olds. Imagine what she'd have to say about that, haha! Bet her own kids can't stand her

JinkxMonsoon · 26/09/2016 08:55

She's partly right. You'll kick yourself in a year's time when he still needs cuddling and hair twiddling to sleep. But we all make these mistakes, especially with our PFBs

NoahVale · 26/09/2016 09:00

well yes, she is right, if you want your DS to self soothe, if you are having problems with him settling to sleep.
if you are not and you are happy then go for it.

sentia · 26/09/2016 09:00

Get some luggage scales and weigh your baby yourself, then you won't have to speak to health visitors! They do spout the most amazing tripe sometimes. There is more than one way to successfully raise a child, to suggest differently is nonsense.

Purplebluebird · 26/09/2016 09:06

HV is full of crap. Some are, others are not. I still cuddle my 2,5 year old to sleep, and don't see it stopping any time soon. Yes - sometimes I wish he would go to sleep on his own, but he's only little for a short time in the big picture. He also still sleeps in our bed (sofa gets some action :P ).
If you want him in his own room that's fine of course, but don't feel pressured to it because of a judgemental HV that clearly has no idea what love for your child feels like. (Sorry if that's a bit harsh, I'm grumpy).

Do what you feel is right for your child and your family, nobody ever got loved too much!

ISaySteadyOn · 26/09/2016 09:08

Cuddle your baby! I have just cuddled my two year old to sleep as he had a bad night due to teething and he is all warm and cosy. And now I am off to give my ill five year old a cuddle. So HV talking rot.

braceybracegirl · 26/09/2016 09:51

Absolutely right Mynd. Children who don't have eye contact as babies are the ones who struggle as they aren't building those crucial early attachments.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 26/09/2016 09:56

I'm sure I've told this story on here before, but when my eldest DD was born the HV came round and said, very sternly, amongst her advice on sterilising and breastfeeding cafes "we really don't approve of domestic violence so if you do domestically abuse each other, it should never be near the baby". Me and DH were

I decided then and there that HVs mainly speak bollocks.

OutsSelf · 26/09/2016 09:58

I think the thing to remember OP is that you don't need your HV's approval or permission to respond to your baby the way you feel is most appropriate.

As long as your baby is healthy and emotionally secure she really has no place commenting on your bedtime routine. I think people get used to giving out advice and forget the difference between what is an actually evidence-based approach, and the opinion that they have formed because anecdata + personal beliefs.

I had a GP who thought I wouldn't be making enough vitamin D to bf my children because I am blonde

braceybracegirl · 26/09/2016 10:11

That's hilarious felloutofbed!

booox · 26/09/2016 10:18

The BEST piece of advice I ever had when I had my son was that "it divnt matter if they're sleeping on ya heed, AS LONG AS THEY'RE sleepin'!!"

It still applies to my now 3.5 year old son at times.

HVs can vary as much as sleep books can; from one extreme to the other.

But there's no book on your baby, you are the only one authorised to have an opinion about what works best for you all.

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