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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

I'm pretty sure I am doing the right thing but exH knows exactly how to make me doubt myself

31 replies

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 10:19

Okay, please help, either i am completely on the right page or i need to eat me some humble pie.

H and I separated probably around a year ago but he only moved out a couple of months ago. I earn a lot more than him and bought him out of family home, he is renting a flat.

We have one DD who is 4.

He is a low earner and as such is eligible for benefits. I am not, I earn too much.

He came over last night and asked me to sign over the child benefit to him so that he could prove to the benefits office that he has a dependent which would make him eligible for more benefits. Financially this would not affect me. I said I wanted time to think about it and research the implications. I read loads of websites and saw that he would be the resident parent (he is not) in the eyes of the law and that he could potentially claim maintainance from me, could apply for a passport etc. I rang him and said no, I wouldn't be doing this.

He turned up at my house and called me a selfish cunt. He has said I am stopping him from properly caring for his daughter if i dont do this as he had worked out his finance based on him getting these benefits.

Financially, handing over the child benefit would not affect me, but obviously he would gain other rights. He argued that as her dad he should be trusted with those rights and that he has to accept that I won't get her a passport and take her away or claim maintainance from him so what's the difference. I suppose he has a point.

WWYD? Am I being unfair not putting it in his name?

OP posts:

Lewwat · 17/09/2016 10:27

He isn't resident parent, therefore doesn't get child benefit. Simple.

DoreenLethal · 17/09/2016 10:28

You would be assisting in fraud.

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 10:29

Well thats something I hadn't considered.

OP posts:

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ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 10:30

No, you're not doing the wrong thing, he's at it. Child benefit always goes to the resident parent, always. He is using your child to get more money which is pretty disgusting.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 17/09/2016 10:30

Tell him to get a better job.

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 10:32

Well i did suggest that any normal parent would just work their ass off and not rely on benefits they aren't entitled to.

OP posts:

Dollius01 · 17/09/2016 10:33

He is trying to get benefits meant for resident parents which he is not, so that is fraud

BertieBotts · 17/09/2016 10:38

Sorry, but sivce you're not the resident parent, I'm not willing to lie to the government and tell them you are because that would be fraud.

Send that to him.

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 10:40

Right, yep. I will. So can I ask, he doesnt currently, but what if she ended up staying with him 50% of the time, does he have a claim then?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 17/09/2016 10:42

Perhaps he's misunderstood? In which case:

Sorry,XP, but I've looked it up and it doesn't work like that. I can't just sign it over to you. It's based on who DD lives with most of the time and as that's me, I can't lie to them and say otherwise. Seems silly but there you go. That's the way it works.

(I don't think its silly. I just think you might garner more sympathy that way because it gives over an air of 'I would if I could but I can't'. If he thinks you're just witholding it to be spiteful then he probably will be annoyed. I would NOT mention anything about him getting extra rights. Just state that only the resident parent gets CB and you don't think it's a good idea to lie.)

BertieBotts · 17/09/2016 10:44

I think he needs to have her more than 50% but I'm not sure.

ApocalypseSlough · 17/09/2016 10:53

I would walk over hot coals to always claim CB- even if I then have to pay it back. It's another paper trail for tax NI purposes apart from anything else. I have an almost visceral attachment to it!

ApocalypseSlough · 17/09/2016 10:55

The resident parent angle is very significant too. Not just for access and PR but for school, GP etc.
Don't let it go.

MaybeDoctor · 17/09/2016 10:57

Yy to the issue with school applications. The child's address is deemed to be the one where CB is received.

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 11:00

Okay, well seems like no one thinks I am being unreasonable to not sign it over. He has been very certain that I am being a 'unreasonable selfish cunt' and that it makes me a bad mother because he will be unable to pay his bills.

There is a huge back story of EA and him being very manipulative, when I said no to this he was visibly surprised and im dead proud of myself for standing up to him. But now, in private, i am doubting myself. Not helped by the essays of abusive texts I am receiving.

Its the anniversary of my mums death today, he knows I am vulnarable. He is a fucking prick!

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 11:01

Sorry, totally irrelevant rant there.

OP posts:

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 11:02

ilovehalloumi I'm so sorry he's being such an absolute bastard, today of all days. You are absolutely not in the wrong, he is. Well done sticking to your guns, not easy with an abusive X I know, he's being such a dick because he knows he's wrong.

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 11:02

DD started school a couple of weeks ago, they have my address, obviously.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 11:04

Thanks ayeokthen :)

OP posts:

Footle · 17/09/2016 11:04

What about you being able to pay your bills ?

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 11:05

I earn a good wage, he told me last night how lucky I am, i was furious, its not luck, its fucking hard work!! Which he is incapable of!

OP posts:

DorynownotFloundering · 17/09/2016 11:16

Well done you for standing up to him, & as Pp have said yes you are right about the CB he is just pissed off because you have foiled his plan to get extra money so he can sit on his arse instead of working as you do.

Regarding his texts- ignore ANYTHING that is not to do with your daughters welfare/ arrangements for contact.

If you can get a cheap handset or use an old one, swap the SIM to that so its the same number for contact & get a new one which you can tell all your friends & family about, This means you can ignore the rants but store the texts for future reference should you need to.

It can be hard but don't engage, it is less stressful in the long run & helps you get perspective & strength to move on.

Sounds like you are well rid -enjoy your new life with your little one :)

ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 11:18

ilovehalloumi they tend to get enraged when they realise they can't control us anymore. My XH hates the fact that I just don't give a fuck what he thinks of me or what is happening in his life (unless it affects DS). When he kicks of I just smile and close the door, or ignore his texts.

Original poster

ilovehalloumi · 17/09/2016 11:57

Thank you everyone who replied 💐 I am feeling a lot more confident. Now to go visit mums grave. I think i shall be having a large gin and a take away with xfactor tonight. He was here til 1am last night.

OP posts:

MadameJosephine · 17/09/2016 12:03

Well done to you for standing up for yourself and refusing to help him to commit benefit fraud.

I'm sorry you've lost your mum and he's being an arse

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