I can't be a mum any longer. I can't take much more.

[Timetogrowup2016]

Dd 6 months,
Refuses to nap for longer than 20 minutes at a time. Wakes up screaming as she's still tired but won't go back to sleep.Ive tried everything
Pushing the pram or going for a walk doesn't work.
The car does but I don't drive and I'm alone 7-5:30 each day.
A dark room doesn't work
White noise doesn't
Feeding to sleep doesn't
A dummy doesn't..
A sling doesn't
Holding her doesn't
Lying next to her doesn't
Rocking her doesn't

I could go on but nothing works.
She self settles at night and sleeping 8pm until 5am.

Instead she spends all day yawning, rubbing her eyes and whinging because she's tired. Unless my partner is here and then he settles her fine and she naps 1-2 hours.
I've had enough. I can not cope with her any longer.
This morning I lost my shit after she woke up after ten minutes. She self settled for it as well so I don't see how that can be the issue. I thought if they self settled they could get their self back to sleep? Not dd .

Sorry this is a massive rant and I don't really know what I'm trying to get from it.

This morning I left poor dd crying whilst I sobbed on my bed because I can't take much more.
I do something with her every day. A walk, baby group, a trip to the park. Nothing ever seems to make her happy. I just feel like one big failure.

What I need is someone to calm me down and to start over again today but I just feel unable to calm down.

Fwiw I can cope with her when my partner is here as I know he can take her for half an hour when it gets too much but when I'm alone I can not cope and it's been like this every day for 6 months now. I'm a shadow of who I used to be and just feel so miserable.
What hurts the most is I feel like her life has been wasted with me being miserable. I've wasted every day with her- all these moments I won't ever get back . She'll only be tiny once and I've spent most of it in tears

Have you looked for support on MN Local threads? When I had my baby I made friends that way. Yes, M&B groups are horrid. All Ms Judgy-Pants types. You have my sympathy.

Today is really bad.
So bad.
In two days I've had less than an hours worth of naps in total...
She has cried and cried and cried.
I was walking in town today and just broke down. I carried on walking to the park and we both just cried and cried underneath a tree.
I've messaged my partner and said I'm at the end of my tether. Told him to find her a new home or I'm walking away from this all. His told me his not loosing his daughter.
Someone help me. What the hell is wrong with her ?

Have you tried Cry-sis?

http://www.cry-sis.org.uk

Hi time - when are you returning to work? Can your DP stay home with DD? Some of us just aren't cut out for being an at home parent. Even if your salary added to the household income would go entirely on childcare, you'd probably be a lot happier at work and your DD would be in the hands of experts at helping her get a daytime routine.

I really feel for you, I often wonder if the human race would die out if we all had a glimpse if our future lives with a baby in it. I remember thinking 'I knew this would be hard but I didn't know it would be hell on earth'
It does get better, honest it does, it's exhausting to live through. Please reach out for help though, whether a doctor, online, distant family, or Mum and baby groups.

OP, a few things to try:

2-3 nights a week, go to bed when she's down and sleep until she wakes in the morning. 8pm-5am is a good stretch of sleep, more than I've had most of my adult life, and will make you feel much better.

My DD couldn't cope without a routine - and it was hell getting her used to one (around 6 months). She didn't want to eat at "feed time" at first, didn't want to nap at all - but after a few days of me watching TV with headphones on to ignore her whinging in between feeds, she quickly learned that if she didn't eat when food was presented at set times, she didn't get anything until the next feed.

Naps - again, when I ignored her, she actually started to nap. I have no idea why - but it was almost as if she loved being with me, and would try and power through tiredness, resulting in misery for both of us. Once she knew that at set times, she was going to be ignored if she grizzled, something just clicked.

You've managed to get her sleeping really well at night - so don't be so hard on yourself.

You say in your OP that your partner settles her fine and she naps for 1-2 hours.

What does he do and where does she nap on these occasions?

YY to everything QueenJuggler said.

Oh OP

I have been where you are and my heart is breaking for you. My DS never napped for more than 20-30 minutes at a time and he didn't sleep at night either. I was absolutely on my knees. I didn't stop loving my DS but I stopped liking him, I dreaded every day with him and dreaded every night. I used to walk the streets for hours during the day to get him to sleep, which never worked, and I would just end up walking around, sobbing my heart out, absolutely desperate because I was so tired.

In a 24 hour period I was only getting about 4-5 hours sleep and it was broken sleep at that.

I used to lose my temper with DS in the night, shout at him and push him into DHs arms and say "Just get him away from me, I don't want him anywhere near me!" before running downstairs in tears. I was just plain exhausted.

On many occasions I phoned my DH at work and cried and cried down the phone, I couldn't even get my words out properly but I just kept repeatedly telling him that I just couldn't do it anymore.

One day my husband came home to find me lying on the floor of our dining room, in darkness, and I was heaving with sobs. I couldn't function and all I had the energy for was crying.

When DS was 8 months I realised I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't enjoying being with my son, my life seemed so bleak, I was arguing with DH all the time and I was so tired that I just couldn't function.

I got in touch with a sleep consultant and for £90 she saved my life. She was wonderful. Within a week of sticking to her rules I had a DS who had two 1.5 hour naps a day and slept from 8pm-6am. I will forever be eternally grateful to her.

I'm assuming I can't really advertise services on here but if you want her details then please PM me x

Hello OP. I was once where you are. I'm very worried at how low you are and how unrelenting this is. I read your mum has your dd once a week. I really think she or your dp need to take some emergency leave to help you. You need a break! I wish your dp hadn't got all defensive when you said your dd needs a new home. You're just crying out for help! Can you make him understand by spelling it all out? How many hours she cries a day? How it feels. Leaving nothing unsaid or implied. I think until you've experienced this kind of baby, it's hard to fully understand just how dreadful it is.

It sounds like your mum might be a better bet for help. Please tell her what you've said here. In the very short term, I second the earphones with some music you like, you'll still hear the baby but it will take the edge off it.

Is there a different GP you can see? For both you and dd. I'm worried you are becoming depressed. My dc crying caused me to become depressed too. A completely logical outcome really. It is like torture.

Dd could be checked over too. Ears, throat etc.

Are you home yet? I'd pop your dd in her cot, clean dry nappy, full and winded obvs and then I would leave her and go and get a cup of tea and watch something light on tv and go back after five minutes. If she's going to cry with or without you there, you may as well take a break from it. It won't harm her.

I know it's not mumsnetty but much, much love to you from one mum who was there.

If she's only happy upright, I'd be looking at reflux as well. Except if she self-settles at night, that doesn't fit.

Is it possible she's being over-stimulated during the day?

All the sympathy and empathy in the world from me.

My DD was like this too. I felt absolutely broken. I was broken.

Good for you for getting counseling and being honest about how you're doing. Depression is a thief and takes everything out of you. I know too well.

I won't offer advice, because honestly, I don't know what you're comfortable doing and I'm no expert on any child other than my own. It did get better for us, though. And if I can get through it I'm positive anyone can.

Just do you. Do what you think you can to get you both through the day. If you can't, call for help.

I would put money on overstimulation. That was definitely the problem with Ds1. His grandparents would arrive first thing in the morning hell bent on keeping him awake all day. He did sleep if i walked the streets with him, but I was on my knees with 14 months of about 5 hours broken sleep in every 24.
We were both miserable.

Dh was unsupportive because he thought his parents had every right to do what they were doing...

He had wised up a bit by the time DC 2 and 3 came along.

What DS and I both needed was peace and quiet.

Your DP needs to take some time off work, can he ask for a week's leave?

Could you find a childminder or leisure centre Creche who would take her for an hour a day to give you a break? Could you afford this. My Creche was only about £5 an hour. Even one a week may help you. Ask your local children's centre if they have any young mums group. Mine do. If not as some mums go back to work you may find there will be more younger nannies/au pairs around. Just take each day at a time, this stage of no napping won't last. Try your best to project calmness around sleep time, like you really don't mind either way if she sleeps or not. Hope it improves.

Yes, overstimulation sounds right.

Some babies need really quiet space to nap well. So strict routine (2-3 hours of doing anything, and that includes walking/being around you in the house), and then into darkened quiet room to nap. And they don't come out of the room until nap time is over, no matter how much they cry (obviously follow sensible CC guidelines).

Honestly, it worked for me. I know some people are totally against CC, but you are on your knees, and if nothing else has worked, give it a go. It only took about 3 days for DD to get it. And she's now very fond of a nap (at 8 years old!)

Thank you everyone.
I have read all thr responses and will reply properly layer on.
I have just dropped dd of at my mums for the night.

I have been begging for weeks for my partner to take some time of work but he won't. His genreally very good and takes her at 5am for me every other day so I can sleep until 7 when he goes to work and he always comes home and does the washing up and takes her for an hour but I'm just not coping

I've said some very nasty things to him today which I'm so sorry for but it all just come out.
Thank you

Time what time do you go to bed? Is it very late? Or are you managing 8-ish hours a night?

If it's the latter, do you think you might have a touch of baby-blues? A high-needs baby can be incredibly exhausting, but you sound more down than that.

I go to bed at 9
I sleep 9-5 and 9-7 every other day.

I think I'm depressed.
But it's all caused by how hard work she is.
If she was happy I'd be happy . The truth is we are both miserable

Keep going it WILL get better.

I heard some good advice recently - stop trying to get her into a routine and just get yourself into one. She'll begin to relax as you end up doing similar things. I'd also try having a few days at home in a row, new experiences are great but she won't know one day from another if every day is somewhere new.

Our 7mo's routine is something like:

5am wake so I feed her and put her back and she might have another hour or so.

7am feed
8.30 breakfast
9 washed and dressed
11 nap (used to be earlier)
12-1 a bit of lunch
3 maybe another nap but she's in a bit of a napless phase atm)
5-5.30 dinner
6.15 bath
6.45 bed

I try to work our outings around her routine. Eg we go out just before her nap do she'll sleep in the car or when she's on the bus in the pushchair.

Your partner is entitled to carers leave. He needs to take some, a few days, to help you.

You say you are having counselling, are you on medication? Ask your go for some.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter, she is a baby, and is hard work.

You haven't done anything wrong. Please remember this.

Do you have any other family?

I have other family but none that could help me
In have my aunt but she has a disabled son to look after . I have my nans but their not physically capable of having her. Their 82 and 86.
I will tell him about carers leave. Never heard of it my self . He has an annual leave left and we are pretty skint. Every morning I tell him not to leave me and I hate when I hear the door close behind him.
I am on the bus now and omg it is so liberating to be able to sit up stairs with my headphones in and not dealing with her whinging all journey.

Headphones will be your friend for a while until you are through this stage. Being a mother doesn't mean you can't choose to block out the whinging.

I think you should see your GP about PND. It doesn't matter what caused it, some Ads could make all the difference to your ability to cope.

If he's got leave left, he's better using that than taking carers or parental leave, but he needs to do it. This isn't optional, he is her parent too and he needs to step up. I think you'd be better off returning to work part-time if you can, it's important that you look after your own needs too.