New baby - step children

[Jamie1981]

Hi all,

My wife of two years and I have just discovered that she is pregnant. I am 45 and she is 37 - this was not part of the plan :-).

My issue is that between us we already have 4 children. My step daughter, who lives with us and is 17, will, I am sure, come to terms with this.

My issue is my sons, aged 21,17,16. Two of them live with their mother, who has a very jealous nature. She has, for example, told them that the reason I bought a house half a mile from her mother was to get at her (we've been apart for 7 years!). There is lots of other history but it all basically distills down to jealousy and her desire to portray me as a bad father as often as she can.

Does anybody have any experience of this situation with older kids and a destructive mother, who will doubtless claim that this is a deliberate act to reduce the amount of maintenance I pay (£909 a month - will reduce by about £30).

James

Hi James

Congratulations!

You might want to get this moved to the step-parenting to get some more views/experience.

I think the ages of your children is in your favour here as they will have more mature responses and are also largely out of the control (and influence) of their mother, or will increasingly be so.

Tell your children face to face with your wife and present it as the happy news it is, while letting them know that you will still be there (in every sense) for them. Lots of reassurance. Perhaps find opportunities after that to chat to each of them 1:1 to check how they feel.

You need to think about whether you want to tell your ex yourself or let your children mention it. Only you know which will be worse. But mostly, ignore any nasty comments/reaction from her. You don't have to answer any questions, either (my DH's ex was rude and asked insulting questions when he told her). Just tune it out and focus on your children, wife and bump.