rage at husband

[Rockelburger]

So we have a 4 week old girl. I'm home with her all day on maternity leave and the husband comes home and tells me I'm doing it all wrong cause she won't stop crying. Telling me not to go to her etc. Let her calm herself down - that doesn't work, she just gets herself more worked up.

Makes me rage, sometimes babies are just unhappy. Raging!!

Sounds like the perfect time to take yourself off for a nice long bath and an early night whilst he demonstrates his superior parenting skills

What skank said x

I would definitely see red if DP said anything like that to me. DS2 cried all the time when he was that age, if he wasn't attached to the boob he was grumpy. I fed him, carried him, cuddled him as much as he wanted.
I think it's pretty heartless to say leave a 4 week old to cry. She barely knows she's a separate person from you. Tell your DH to Google the fourth trimester, your DD is tiny yet.

Rockelburger
I think you are absolutely right to pick up your baby when she cries and there is scientific, neurological evidence that this is true. This is a link to a Guardian review f a very good book by the Psychologist Sue Gerhardt. Then below is a quote from the review.
www.theguardian.com/books/2004/jul/17/highereducation.booksonhealth
The key player in this unfolding drama turns out to be a hormone called cortisol. When a baby is upset, the hypothalamus, situated in the subcortex at the centre of the brain, produces cortisol. In normal amounts cortisol is fine, but if a baby is exposed for too long or too often to stressful situations (such as being left to cry) its brain becomes flooded with cortisol and it will then either over- or under-produce cortisol whenever the child is exposed to stress. Too much is linked to depression and fearfulness; too little to emotional detachment and aggression.

The Book is called Why Love Matters.

The only thing though, is you need rest too, so I hope you have people around who will pick up your baby if she is awake and crying sometimes so you can have a break.

With a much older baby, I think it is sometimes all right to leave them crying for a little to see if they will settle down, so long as you know they are not hungry, have a clean nappy and everything is fine - but never a new born.

This would really pee me off. Your H is being totally ridiculous and unreasonable. Sometimes newborn babies cry, best thing to do is comfort them as best you can, this phase doesn't last forever.

You're doing nothing wrong (but I'm sure you know that already).

Let a four WEEK old soothe herself? Sure, she might exhaust herself, but how would your husband like to be left alone while crying until he was so exhausted he couldn't get up the strength to do it any more?

Newborns aren't capable of any type of self-soothing. They're just not. He's asking something of your child that the child won't be capable of until further along developmentally by quite a bit. Even a very advanced self-soother can only calm themselves down from a cry at a few months old, not weeks.

Thanks everyone. It makes my heart hurt to hear her like that. I go to her and comfort her, poor little cutie doesn't know how to sort herself out yet.

It's first baby and I'm doing everything I can to get it right. Natural instinct is to go to her, maybe men just aren't wired the same as they haven't carried the baby? Either way he wound me right up!!!

To think I'd been shopping and bought him a fillet steak for dinner! I let him cook it himself . He no longer deserved looking after by me!

4 weeks! She's still tiny and not used to being on the outside. Definitely too young to learn independence, plenty of time for that.
DC2 spent her first 3 months attached to me in a sling, as she would otherwise cry. She's now a very independent and chilled out baby - they just need the security and comfort when so tiny.

There used to be old-fashioned ideas of getting a baby into a routine and refusing to see to them except every so many hours.

Maybe some ideas like that filtered down to your husband from his parents.

My mother for example thought babies just cried so let them get on with it.

You are absolutely right. Listen to yourself, but I hope someone will help you
so you do not get too tired.

Trust your instincts, she's crying for a reason. She's only tiny, she's not crying because of learnt behaviour, she's not manipulating you, she's crying because of something. Its the only way she can communicate with you right now.

Ive read a few books since having mine on the cortisol effect and I'm glad i stuck to my instincts.

He can poke it with his silly ideas of letting a 4 week old cry it out!! Honestly!!! Im not surprised you are livid with him, id be honestly angry for days forever about this one and would worry about leaving her with him

At four weeks your baby is crying because they need something, even if it's just comfort.

Frankly if that's his attitude I'd be really reluctant to leave him with her in case you came back three hours later and she'd been screaming the entire time! I wouldn't want her to be distressed for that length of time with someone who's not really meeting her needs.

Aww bless her she just needs cuddles after months of being so close to you. Cuddle, feed and keep her clean and warm. Your doing fine

Thanks everyone, you guys keep me sane!

I will give her all the cuddles and fuss she wants. It's already going so quick and she's growing so fast, she will get everything she needs from me.

Asked husband to do a night feed last night as he's not in work today and he sat there holding her with his eyes closed so I had to take her off him and do it myself anyway. Don't know why I bothered asking!

At 4 weeks she is probably hungry. Stick a boob or bottle in her as first response.

That's dreadful. He needs to up his game and help you out

He apologised this morning and said he doesn't know what was wrong with him. I told him to man the fuck up and get on with it!!!

Good. You need to be as firm with him as you would a teen. Don't take her off him next time, just wake him up. If you keep 'rescuing' him then he'll wind up doing very little and you'll be tearing your hair out.

Maybe he is getting advice from colleagues/friends and thinks that they know best as they've been through it already.
He needs to have a chat with other mothers and get the real side of looking after a newborn!