DD turns every little thing into a full-scale battle.....or is it just me?

[Sugarmagnolia]

Take this morning for example. She drew all over her little brother's face with blue pen. Not the end of the world, but she should know better (she's almost 6). So I calmly took the pens away and said she could have them back later. Immediately she's screaming and saying she's not getting dressed, she's not going to school, she won't behave unless I give her back her pens. Winds me up until I'm screaming too. this is a regular occurence and I'm at my wits end. Anyone with any advice or insight?

Take her to school with in her pj's and let her explain to the teacher why she is not dressed for school.

Take her school clothes in a bag so she can get dressed when she is ready to behave.

I bet she doesn't do it again.

Well my friend picks the kids up on a thursday so I told her that if she wasn't dressed in time (and had time for her breakfast as well) that she wasn't going. I told her I would take her into school myself when she was ready and explain to her teacher (who she adores) exactly why she was late. She did settle down eventually and get dressed, but the point is this sort of thing is happening every day. Sometimes it's about getting dressed, sometimes it's about tv time or who's turn it is to choose a story or whether she can have chocolate.....there's always a battle about something.

We'd been having a bad week adn then yesterday she was lovely so I made a real effort to praise her and spend some time with her. Today we're back to square 1.

Just what I would have put lizziemum!

I also find whispering is more effective than shouting back, seems to throw kids, a teacher of mine used to do it its very effective! Makes you feel you have the power back too and you appear unphased even if you are not!

If she is having a strop shower her brother with praise for being good and state you will speak to her when she has calmed down.

6yr old girls are very needy for attention I have found, do you think a sticker chart would help as a more positive way for her to have your attention? For example in the morning it could have a sticker for eating breakfast, getting dressed, being nice to brother, etc? and so on throughout the day?

HTH

Maybe saturday could be chocolate day if she has been good during the week and you go and buy some, don't have any in for her to ask for!

As they get older you have to be more scheming to outwit them!

I was going to suggest a sticker chart too. Do it with her and explain the rules end of the week if all stickers everyday = surprise! I only spend about £1 on a comic or something small.

Or the pasta jar, not tried it myself but start her off with 5 pieces of pasta in a jar if shes well behaved she gets a piece of pasta if shes not one gets taken away. End of the week count up the pasta and get 10p for each one.

It might sound paradoxical, but have you tried giving her more responsibility? At nearly 6 she should be helping you, rather than competing with her baby brother for attention. It sounds as if she's still stuck in toddler mode rather than 'big girl' mode. Try giving her something genuinely useful to do, like helping to get the breakfast ready, or dressing her baby brother.

If she can see you're giving her a more adult role and that she can make a useful contribution (something grownup and exciting rather than a 'tidy your room'-type chore!) she may be less likely to regress into toddler attention-seeking.

frogs - I think you've hit the nail on the head. She wants to be grown up, to be allowed to make her own decisions, allowed to do stuff for herself. She's always been very independent and extremely stubborn. For example, she doesn't want me anywhere near her when she showers and washes her hair after swimming because she wants to prove she can do it herself. So yes, I need to find more ways to let her feel grown up.

The difficulty is finding ways that don't involve upsetting/annoying her brother. He's 3 1/2 so he doesn't want her help getting dressed. If I praise her writing/drawing/reading whatever it usually leads to either asking me specifically if she's better than he is or teasing him because all he can do is "scribbles". If I ask her to help set the table (which she quite likes doing) he gets upset becuae he wants to do his own placemat/cutlery himself. See the problem....?

I've tried explaining to her that if she starts behaving better then I will treat her in a more grown up way - ie let her choose her own clothes, snacks, what she wants to watch on telly etc. But that when she throws temper tantrums I will make these decisions for her. I think in the long run this is the approach that will work but so far we can't seem to break the tantrum habit.

SM - My DD is 3.5 and we have been giving her 'jobs' to do since she could get up and move on her own, simply because she likes to. She often grabs a chair and helps me prepare veg etc in the kitchen (as well as eating them.....) DS, who is now 1.5 is the same (probably because he see's his sister doing it - they are totally different characters otherwise).

Why dont you give both of them something to do - however inane. One set the breakfast table, the other get shoes and coats ready?

Something that both can do that doesnt get under your feet.

takes 2 to battle so just remove yourself from it

IK sometimes get down to DS's level and say things in a firm voice like "this behaviour is unacceptable, I will not have it. I will talk to you when you are dressed, go to your room now, do x, y, z then come back"

then ignore him

but boy does it take self-control

She wants to argue,don't give her the opportunity. Agree with twiglet.

I think if you remove the triggers for the tantrums as much as possible ie keeping her occupied by giving her stuff to do and praising for that, it should make a huge difference. Any tantrums thereafter and there still will be some, should be dealt with as Twiggy said.

It does take two to battle. She wont enjoy half as much if you dont play along with her.

Loads of good suggestions here, which I can't add to.

Just one suggestion though. In a moment's blind inspiration last year, I invented a "no-pyjamas-downstairs" rule, and it has changed our lives! The kids put their clothes on in their bedrooms and if they forget, we point them straight back upstairs.

They can find other issues to generate battles about, but at least getting dressed is not a battlefield anymore and our mornings are sooooooo much more peaceful.

Yes, that's harder if brother is not up for help. I have larger age gaps (4 years + between each of them) so help in eg. dressing and bottom-wiping is more obviously needed. But if she's competing with him it's even more important to carve out some big-girl territory for her. I think you need to spell out what she needs to do, making sure it's ambitious and interesting enough to grab her attention, and then back right off. Ignore tantrums, arguing and fussing completely, just make sure there will be natural consequences if she doesn't do it, rather than consequences imposed by you. Eg. if you don't get dressed by x time, there wont be time for me to make you hot chocolate for breakfast; if you cover yourself in pen you will have to explain it to your teachers. I would absolutely be prepared to take her to school in mid-tantrum/ in her pyjamas/minus packed lunch/ minus PE kit/ without having had breakfast or whatever it might be. It is harsh, but you only need to do it once IME, before they realise that the laws of time and motion apply to them too and aren't just something dreamt up by Mummy to annoy them.

thanks frogs - I see your point about "natural consequences" I don't want to let her go to school with no breakfast becuase there are days where she doesn't want breakfast and I tell her she can't go without eating at least a little something. I think however, the threat of not being allowed to go to school would horrify her (she loves school!). So next time I won't make a fuss and if she's not ready in time she'll just have to stay home (or at least be late). She would hate that.

Twiglett - I take your point completely, but the honest truth is I don't think I have enough self control.

I start off exactly as you say - telling her in a firm but controlled voice that this behaviour is not acceptable, I will not speak to her when she's behaving in this way etc. I try to walk away, do something else, go into another room. But then she'll follow me or start screaming or something I just can't ignore and then I lose it.

Ok, so any suggestions of something that she can be allowed to have/do because she's older? The obvious one is letting her stay up a little later but the truth is I think she actually needs more sleep than him.

Ooh, I don't know. Depends on your routine, really. Help make her own packed lunch, subject to the kind of sensible behaviour that will give you the time to faff around with her rather than doing it yourself in 30 seconds flat? That way she has the incentive of helping decide what goes in it. Or come to the shops with you on the way back from school to choose own breakfast cereal? Or, "If you're completely ready for school by X o'clock we'll have time for a story before we go". A favourite in our house is being allowed to make a batch of muesli bars for the week's packed lunches. Oddly enough the ones they make themselves seem to feature chocolate chips rather more than the ones I make by myself.

Any messing around and suddenly it's, "Well actually, you wasted so much time doing X that there won't be time for you to do Y now".

Tbh it doesn't really matter specifically what you choose, as long as it helps her understand the equation that the less time she spends p*ssing you off, the more time and energy you will have to do nice grownup things with her.